BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Need A Break

Leigh,
You are in hard place right now. I said awhile ago that I felt your husband needed counseling and I still feel that he should seek some. It is not "unmanly" as some men believe but it is hard to change their perception of that view.

Your son may have been crying out for help and he felt that what he did was the only way to get it. Understand, no one, not you or your husband are at fault. No one is to blame.

You need counseling from someone, a clergyman/woman, or a professional counselor. Ask at the hospital for referrals. Some are on a sliding scale so it won't cost much.

Tell your mother-in-law that you strongly feel that your husband needs to talk to someone. Ask her help. She seems to be as concerned for you and your family as you are.

Time is what it will take, Leigh, to resolve this. I only caution you to think about yourself also and not just everyone else. Your husband may have more problems than you are willing to handle and accept. "For better or for worse"
has it's limitations and eventually you have to do what is the best for yourself. Self sacrifice takes it's toll in many ways; depression, anger, and physical health.

Stay as well as you can. Blessings and positive thoughts for you and your family

Leigh,
I have sat here and read your post from the first one on. I am also a mom and my children are my life. Children are a gift from god. He gives them to us to enjoy, love, cherish and nurture. Then they grow and are gone with families of their own. Right now all this that you and your husband are going through are putting stress on them also. Although they may not show it.
I know that you love your husband very much. I admire the way that you have stuck this out. The very thing that bothers me is that at this point its all about HIM when does what you want or need matter?
THis is the end of September and he has been putting you and the children through this since march. I know it takes two to make a marriage work believe me I know. With all the problems I am having. But there is a time to take up for yourself and what you want. I think you should sit him down and say ok this is what I want and hear him out on what he wants.
Don't take all the blame. I have read where you say that you complain or argue or fuss but that is life. We all do and maybe some more than we should but that is the stress of everyday real life and most of all having teenagers.
I know you don't want your children to think that you didn't try hard but when is it enough?
Its easy to get a divorce these days and so many people do. I hate it. They take the easy rode out instead of trying to stick it out. You have not done that. I admire you. I am concerned about you however because your trying to be that superwoman. Take care of you and your children right now. Your son needs you. Let your husband work out his problems because you have your own with no one to help. I am praying for you and your family. Hug your son. Tell him how much you love and cherish him. I know you'll get him the help he needs. God Bless you, your a wonderful wonderful person.

Leigh-how are you? We know you're terribly busy right now but we'd like to know that you're alright and that your son is too.

My son is doing alot better. He checks in with me a few times a day and sends text messages saying "I love you". He has been in better spirits and has told me he will not do anything like that ever again. A few nights ago he came in my room and gave me a hug then told me 'thank you mom for getting me some help". He used to call his dad alot just to talk but he doesn't do that much now. Instead, he calls me.

As for me nothing has really changed. We still see each other at work and he treats me with respect there. We took the kids to the fair Thursday night and it went pretty good. He took the two youngest girls fishing Saturday. They are enjoying their time with him.

My mother-in-law has been talking to him. I don't know exactly what is being said. She just tells me she doesn't think he knows what he wants. He keeps telling her he doesn't want a divorce but he doesn't want to come home either. I'm trying to decide what I really want out of the future.

Thanks for everyone's concern. I really appreciate all the posts. I think I would go insane if I didn't have this forum. God bless all of you!

Leigh A

Oh, Leigh, we all feel for you and I wish I could help you more!

I'm so glad your son is better. What a scare! Thank God, he talks to you and the hug thing, coming from a teen, is a good sign! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Leigh, right now take it easy before deciding what you want and need to do. You've been through a trauma with your son right at the same time your life was in upheaval. Tak everything slowly until you know your own mind.

Be well and know that we're all here for you anytime!

Hello. I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend.

All of my children are doing great. My husband has been spending alot of time with all of us this past week. He has pretty much been to the house two to three times a day since last Saturday. We've been to the football games, out to eat, and rode together when my car was in the shop.

He has been in a good mood and has even been talking about our relationship on his own. He seems like his old self right now. Our friends have even noticed it.

I'm not sure what the future is going to hold but this past week has been alot better than the previous.

Take care,
Leigh A

Take it slow, Leigh and remember to make your needs and wants known also.Marriage is mutual respect and love.

All good thoughts to you and so glad your son is better!!

Hi everyone. It's been a while since I posted so I thought I would post an update.

Last week I asked him how are we suppose to work on our marriage if we don't spend quality time together without the kids. He told me he wasn't ready.

Tuesday I text him this "I can't see where we have really
accomplished anything in three months? What do you think we have accomplished?" His reply: "We are not doing anything." This really upsets me because I have been trying and he doesn't see it. I realized then I have been the only one working on trying to save the marriage.

We put my car in the shop yesterday for some minor repairs so we rode to work together. I asked him how are we going to make the marriage work if we aren't trying to do anything to resolve the issue's. His reply was we have burned too many bridges and it isn't going to work. So it
seems now we aren't going to get back together but he still doesn't want to get a divorce. I always thought when this day comes I would be going crazy. Even though I want to save my marriage I feel some relieve. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I guess it's been all the month's of wondering what is going to happen next.

My car was still in the shop this morning so he picked me up for work. He brought me breakfast this morning which he doesn't usually do. He even told me what he planned on doing for the rest of the day since it was his day off. He has called twice so far just to talk about things that didn't really need to be talked about. Don't understand why he keeps calling and is being so talkative about nothing.

His mom took me home from work. She told me all he keeps telling her is he wanted time to do the things he wanted to do in the past and that he doesn't want a divorce. She said even though he has moved out he still hasn't done anything he had wanted to do: fishing, camping, golf, or pool. I about fell out when she told me if that had been her she would of told him long time ago to "Poop or get off the pot". She also told me she knows there isn't anyone else in the picture.

I think he is still confused about me just agreeing that it's over. I didn't cry, scream, or beg when he told me. I just smiled and said that's fine. I really think he expected me to be an emotional wreak. I'm just going to let it ride it's course. If he decides later on to get back together he is going to have to prove himself to me. I am not going on that emotional rollercoaster ride again.

Right now I am doing for the kids and me. If you don't love yourself then who will?

Thanks for all the support.

Leigh A

Good for you, Leigh!! If he wants you back he has to prove himself as a man worthy of you!!

You are a strong woman who has been through, as you so bluntly put it, the emotional roller coaster and you do not need that ride again.

Work on creating a life apart from his and make it good for you and the kids. And, Leigh? Be "self"-ish as in loving yourself to the point where you want what is best for you, not someone else.

Blessing to you,

Kristen, I am doing pretty good right now. He has started opening up lately. He has now told me he still loves and cares for me. He told me he hates what this is doing to our relationship but he doesn't know any other way right now. He finally told me he feels like he has lost himself. He is wanting this time to work on himself. These are the things he told me today he needed to work on:

1. He used to be so easy going but now he feels like he doesn't have any patients at all. He said any little thing just makes him feel like lashing out at somebody. It can be a customer at work, an employee, his mom, me, etc. He just gets aggravated easily and that isn't how he use to be.

2. He use to be the guy at work that made all the customers and workers laugh. Now he barely talks to them. He feels miserable and doesn't feel like kidding around.

3. He use to like to do things. He still does with the kids but not anything with his friends. He said all he wants to do is sit in his apartment and be alone. He said he doesn't like that. He wants to be out going again.

He told me he misses the person he use to be and doesn't like the person he is now. In the past I have tried to get him to go get help but he wouldn't. After him telling me this today I'm thinking about having a talk with his mom or sister's.

I pray that God helps him find his way. He had always been a good husband before all of this. He was always kind hearted and never selfish. I'm lucky that he is still there for the children. He spends time through the week and weekend with them.

Thanks for the advice.

Leigh