BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Need A Break

Welcome back, Leigh!! I am glad to see that you have done some things to help yourself and your children.

Have you mentioned counseling to your husband? It might be of benefit to you both. You must go into it with the agreement that no one will be accusing or complaining, only stating feelings.

Stay with us Leigh, we are all here to help. WE listen and we don't judge.

Post deleted by LeighA

Most men are very hesitant to go for counseling. Like anything else, though, it will only work if he wants to change his life.

In the meantime, work on yourself. Yes, your girls do need you, but "you need you" too.You need to make yourself strong and you need to like who you are.

We all want to help people we love, but you have to help yourself first, BEFORE, you're well enough to help anyone else.

Keep posting, Leigh. "We listen and we don't judge." [color:"blue"]

Thanks for the great advice Kristen. I have been doing a few things for myself. I have slowly been buying a new dressier wardrobe. I'm usually a blue jeans and tshirt girl. I had my haircolored and have lost nine pounds in a little over six weeks. He hasn't said too much about it but alot of his male friends have mentioned it to him. I'm not doing this for him. I am doing this for me. I have more confidence in myself now.

He is staying in an apartment right now. I'm not sure how long he plans on staying there. He moved in yesterday. He has a couch, bed and his computer. My oldest child asked him if he needed a coffee table and night stand. He told her no that he doesn't plan on staying there long. I know that could mean many things so I'm not going to get my hopes up yet. I know he has a rent trailer that will be available in a week or two so he might be planning on staying in it.

He isn't running away from his responsibilities as a father. When he left I thought he might ignore them but he has surprised me so far. He took our youngest to buy shoes for pep squad Thursday night. Saturday we had a meeting at our other daughter's school and he met us there. Tonight he came to the house to get his computer desk. The girls had went to bed but was still awake. He went and gave them a good night kiss.

I trust him and don't feel there is anybody else. One time I told him this would be easier if he told me he didn't love me. He told me that would be lying. Another time I told him I was confused over all this. That if there was somebody else it would at least be something I could understand. He told me that wasn't the case. I have to admit when I was gone I would come by the house different hours of the night and he was always here. I also drove by his apartment to see if he had a guest and he was alone. I know I should trust him more but I don't want to be strung along if there was somebody else. Is checking up on him wrong?

I plan on giving him the time he needs. I just hope I have the patience to give it to him. Something I forgot to mention was his younger brother committed suicide a few weeks ago. During that time I did come home to stay with him. I told him I wasn't here to pressure him but was here as a friend. He still hasn't really coped with that either. He holds everything in which is what caused the problems in our marriage. I just don't think I should try to rush him at this time since I think he probably needs the time to deal with his loss too.

Thanks,
LeighA

Leigh,
You are a brave woman and I admire you. Please celebrate your achievements like the small changes you have made for yourself.

You are so right in doing things for you alone. I counsel women with weight problems and I had one woman who lost over 80 pounds for her husband. She thought that once he saw how much better she looked he would treat her better. Didn't work and she has gained back over 54 pounds.

Your husband needs to work through some really tough issues. You can only be there for him but you can not allow yourself to sacrifice your own needs in doing so.

Things we do for ourselves have lasting effects, whether they are good things (weight loss) or bad thngs (drugs).

Self-love is not self-ish.

[color:"blue"] [/color]

Leigh,
I'm sure your husband still loves you. He just finds it hard to 'be himself' around you for some reason.
I hope you guys can work it out; you both seem like very good people.

My parents had a similar relationship to yours, and my dad still loves my mum even though he was the one who left the relationship.

Last night he picked the girls up so they can see his apartment. The youngest is planning on spending the night with him Saturday.

Tonight he came by the house to grab some computer parts. We had another little talk. I asked him if he didn't feel all this time apart was tearing us apart. He told me he didn't feel that way. He actually thinks this time apart is going to be good for the marriage. I told him I wasn't feeling the same way. I explained to him I have been doing things by myself such as: getting the car inspected, taking the kids to/from school, taking the car for a checkup, getting a tire fixed, etc. I let him know I can do things on my own and it wasn't going to hurt me. I feel this time apart is making it worse on us as a couple. I actually told him there was a good chance it would help him and he will want to come back. I let him know that it may be reverse for me. By October I might not want to try anymore. He seemed surprised by that. I know I love him but I don't feel as deeply in love as I was before. Is this natural?

LeighA

Is the work life bothering him?
Most men do not confess that they have problem at work, but the problems at work are always reflected in their behavior at home.

You say you don't feel as deeply in love as before-yes that is very natural. You are hurt and you have been forced to become independent, doing things he normally would do.

If you do decide to get back together, it will be a different type of relationship for you. He will have to deal with that. You will have matured and grown. He should be aware that he will be coming back to a different woman.

I might of did the wrong thing yesterday but I'm tired of the situation. I thought about this for days before telling him. I explained the situation this way to him. I told him it is like when a child gets their first pet. You bring it home and your excited to have something of your own. You hug on it, pet it, play with it, sleep with it, water and feed it. You give the pet lots of attention at first. The pet becomes very loyal to you. After a while you stop taking it outside to play. A little later you stop petting it when you come home. Then you get too busy for the hugs and thinks the pet is getting too big to sleep with. One day you forget to water and feed the pet. All this time the pet has little by little been mopeing in the corner. One day the pet gets a chance to get outside and it runs away. The pet had lots of love once and knows it has to be out there so it goes searching for it. I told him I was kinda like that pet. I was tired of mopeing in the corner. I told him if he files the papers I will sign them. My heart wants to stay with him but my brain is telling me it is time to move on. He still claims that isn't what he is wanting but then again he doesn't know what he wants.

I hope I did the right think. I actually slept through the night.

Leigh A