BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Need A Break

Once again he has found an apartment to stay in. This one doesn't require a lease. I don't know where it's at and I still don't know when he is planning on leaving.

Last night before going to bed I told him I was worried about him taking a "break". He told me he has his doubts about the "break". I didn't ask him to explain. I don't know if I was just too tired or didn't actually comprehend at the time what he actual said. Maybe I should have because that could mean a wide range of things. He did say this break was not for him to go out on dates or go looking for females. He told me it was just for him to get a little piece and quiet. He said his nerves are shot and is hoping this time away will help.

In a way I dread him leaving but in other ways I'm ready for it to happen. I think I have come to the conclusion that I could actually use a break from him too. I have already started making plans of things to do when he leaves. Some of the things is for me. Counseling, house cleaning without him being in the way, reading, having the whole bed to myself, exercising, etc. Some of the things are for my kids. Spending time with them, actually talking to them, counseling for them, going places with just us girls, etc. I'm not sure if this is considered a normal approach but at least I don't feel like I am going out of my mind.

I still have hopes that our marriage will work out but I feel I will not really know till he takes his break from us.

Have a great weekend,
Leigh A

Hello Leigh I was reading your posts and I don't have any advice per se. Lord know I'm not qualified for that. I'm just adding my thoughts ok? Communicating on a computer is new to me so I want to make sure I don't offend you or anyone else.

I think most parents or anyone else for that matter feel overwhelmed from time to time and would love to just ignore things or walk away. I would love to do that myself right about now but wouldn't dare because it's an obligation/responsibility I took on the day I decided to become a parent. As far as your husband's 'break' there's 2 thoughts I'd like to share with you. One, my husband took a break once - lasted 1 week and honestly it was one of the few weeks our home ran smooth as silk. That taught me a little something about my own situation. I was quite surprised because I had assumed the worse. And second, I'm kinda old fashioned as the saying goes and I've always been puzzled on how 2 people can work out problems when they are separate and apart. If your husband had a problem at work would he take of leave of absence? I doubt it.

I sure hope you get things worked out and hopefully you can convince him to attend counseling with you. Best wishes.

<img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />hellloooooo sista I couldn't agree with you more!!! I have two children that i gave birth too....one that I married. I have a son and I am trying so hard to teach him to be self sufficient and also helpful to others. It all boils down to respect.

Leigh,
Straightforward and to the point,( please excuse me if it sounds harsh, I give seminars on relationships and one of the topics is self esteem in marriages.) You must love yourself enough, more even than your children at this time, and ask the main question-do I really want to be treated this way? Don't I deserve better? The man who married you is not the same man today.
Leigh, what he is doing is called emotional abuse. Please seek help from a woman's group. Life is precious and you will never get these years back.
Please keep writing in this forum and please value yourself.

Kristen what you posted about me being treated this way is kinda ironic. Saturday morning I had a talk to him about that very subject. I asked him when he was planning on leaving and he told me the apartment should be ready the beginning of the week. That has been his answer ever time I have asked. This time I told him I needed him to leave. I let him know he had finally proven his point because NOW I needed a break from him. I told him I didn't deserve to feel distant in my own home, feel like I am walking on egg shells, and I shouldn't feel hurt all the time when I can't see where I have done anything wrong. He told me I am now feeling the way he has in a long time. I told him that was his fault not mine because if he felt that way he should of said something then. I told him I was tired of waking up in the morning wondering if he is still here or has he moved out. I told him I am not going to be treated this way any more and I am actually ready for my time alone. He was taken aback and didn't have really anything to say. I guess the shoe is on the other foot now.

Yesterday was one of the ladies at work anniversary. They asked each of us if we was still going to go. I had told them he hadn't said one way or another. They convinced me to go even if he didn't go. (They don't know about the problems we are having) I finally told them I was going regardless if he went or not. He ended up going. We rode together, talked about other things then just the kids or us, laughed, danced, etc. We had a really good time. He was very loving to me on the way to the club, at the club, and at home. He was like his old self.

Today at work he made time to come by my station a few times to chat or just smile when he walked by. It was like old times. He wasn't ignoring me and that made my day a whole lot better.

I don't know if our talk Saturday morning has opened his eyes or not. Tomorrow is the beginning of the week so we will see what he is going to do. I just know I am not going back to the way he was treating me. If I have to pack his bags for him I will. I have been through a divorce before and it hurts. I don't want to go through that again but if it happens I know I can handle it. I'm strong and I am not going to let him destroy me.

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it. It really helps to get other peoples views because it helps you get the star dust out of your eyes to see the whole picture.

Thanks,
Leigh A

It has been six days since he has mentioned the apartment. The beginning of the week has come and gone. He is still here but I still don't know what he is attending to do.

Monday he went camping with a friend. They had planned on going fishing Tuesday morning. The first place they was going to camp out at ended up being a mess. My husband called to tell me where they was moving to. I thought it was nice but I didn't plan to go checking up on him. The other guys wife started calling him at 10 PM and kept calling back every few minutes. She was accussing him of sleeping around and cussing him out. By 11:30 the other guy told my husband he had to go home. My husband came back saying he enjoyed his break and realized he didn't have it that bad. He has been different every since then.

I don't know if that incident has changed his mind or what. I'm planning on waiting a few more days and ask him what his plans are. I may not wait that long though because I really need to know.

Thanks,
Leigh A

Boy this is scary stuff for you isn't it. Well I am here to tell you that there, there, its going to be o.k. and if I could I would give you a tight hug and tell you that I love you and its probably not anything to blame yourself over. Since you can't keep a person against thier will you have to turn him loose. I know you love him and remembering this, let him find a way to discover the answers to his questions. I think he should give you more insight to his problem so that you can maintain your friendship. He may not know what is going on inside his mind right now. Some people live a long time and it seems they wake up in the middle of their life feeling frightened, uncomfortable and wondering where the time went or what they did with it. Men have a way of stuffing feelings in a big box in the back of the closet, which is a comfounded, pack ratted mess to begin with, and then all of a sudden its like someone yells "Its time to clean up some of this mess and see what you got."
Its a lot of sorting by this time and he doesn't know how or where to start. Give him some credit, I'll bet he loves you and your kids alot, and would never want you to permanently disappear. 18 years is a long time to end your friendship.
If this is to be endured you need to live your life too. If you enjoy the kids, get into them, I love taking my 16 year old and a few of his friends to the movies. Its a scream, their twisted sense of humor and their take on life , love etc. is a real treat and they keep me in stitches. If your into crafts, I recently started woodburning, glass engraving, get deeper into them. If your into beauty, try to loose weight if obese, get into yourself. If you need people, I find being around old codgers great, they are full of funny stories, maybe you could write a story full of funny stories old codgers from a nursing home come up. Hey, that is a great idea, interview them and hear about good ole memories and thier humorous adventures, title the book "To Much To Remember", or "Fish Stories" and publish it. Oh well, lots of good stuff to do. Good luck sweetie and know it will get better if you let it.

Leigh, we haven't heard from you in awhile and I was just wondering how things were going? I hope and pray that everything is okay with you and your daughters and you are enjoying some fun things with them.

Let us know how you are. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Trish

It's one thing to have ambivalent feelings about a marriage, but it's very telling that he wants to walk away from the children, as well! Needing a break, as in a holiday, is something we all understand. But your children are not old enough to rear themselves. What if you felt the same way and you both abandoned your girls?

There are some responsiblities one cannot just abandon without severe consequences. It sounds like there are some major difficulties and issues in your family, and with all due respect, I'd highly advise you to get counseling, if not for yourselves, for the sake of your children. Breaking up a family home is a very major event in a child's life.

Sorry for disappearing. In May everything seemed to be going great. He was loving, joked around, we did things with the kids and even went out about four times without them. The house was pleasant again and it wasn't like walking on egg shells.

Then in July it was going back to the way it was. He didn't say "I love you" unless I said it first. There was no hugs, kisses, etc. unless I was the one doing it. About the second week in July I told him I had enough. I stayed away for a month. The whole time I was gone he didn't go out with his friends or anything. The day, August 16, I moved back in he moved out. He said he hasn't had enough time to sort things out. He still comes and see the kids and takes them places. He doesn't want a legal seperation. He said he is still in love with me and he doesn't want to be with anybody else.

I finally got him to admit some of the problem. He feels I did too much argueing over everything. Now that I look back I have to admit that I did. I found out for years his friends would ask him to go fishing, play golf, etc but he wouldn't go because he thought I would complain. When he sees my name on his cellphone he thinks I am calling to complain about something. If I tell him I want to talk he feels like I am going to argue over something. He told me he gets this feeling inside like he is in trouble. At times it gets so bad he takes Rolaids. This is a man that thinks he has to do everything his mom tells him to do. He is getting out of that. He now feels like I am the mom getting on to him like a child. He doesn't get this feeling with anybody but me. He is hopeing that some time apart will get him over this emotional feeling. I have been trying to watch what I say to him and the way I say it to him.

He feels he needs space and time. He doesn't know how long he needs. I have already seen some improvements. The last few days he has waited for me after work to walk me to my car. Yesterday I went to get a tire fixed and he showed up to make sure everything was okay. He is even joking around again. I feel I can give him time as long as I see some improvements but if it stops then I think it might be time to move on.

Thanks for all the posts. I really appreciate it.

LeighA