Here's my favorite. I saw this in a hole-in-the-wall restaurant one time:

Our Credit Manager is Hellen Waite. If you want credit, go to Hellen Waite.

I about cracked up when I saw that.

Tell me one of yours. A sign, a bumper sticker, a slogan, anything like that you may have read, heard or seen before.

In a gift shop in some little, obscure town in the Sierras:

"If you don't see it, we ain't got it."

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

I saw this bumper sticker on a pick up truck that was printed upside down. It read:

If you can read this, roll me back over.

"For a toe-tapping good time, vote Larry Craig."

"Boss said to change the sign so I did."

"Hot beer, cold women, uh, other way around."

Years ago, I saw two business signs. By themselves, they were nothing, but the fact that they were RIGHT next to each other made it funny. The businesses? Jewish World Publications and Gentiles. (The latter was a flooring company.)

When I was in high school I saw a toy called the "Echo Mic". It was a microphone that used a spring to create an echo effect when you spoke into it. The best part of it was the box, which was badly translated into English. It said, "Mama, Papa, I and Lady Employees to play with it together."

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand

Squirrels. Nature's Little Speed Bumps

I haven't spoken to my wife in years- I didn't want to interrupt her

My wife took my dog and left me. I sure am gonna miss that dog.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Drinking drivers--
Nothing worse
They put
The quart
Before the hearse
Burma-Shave..!!

Are the voices in my head bothering you

On curves ahead
Remember, sonny
That rabbit's foot
Didn't save
The bunny
Burma-Shave..!!

Be nice to your kids- they'll choose your nursing home

She will
Flood your face
With kisses 'Cause you smell
So darn delicious
Burma-Shave Lotion..!!

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered...!!

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

If a man was talking alone in the woods and there was no women around to hear him, would he still be wrong?

People who think they know it all, really annoy those of us who do

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps...!!

Ham radio operators do it with greater frequency

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.!!

Stable relationships are for horses

Things haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister

Your body would look good in my trunk

I'm schizophrenic and so am I

Do not mess with dragons - for you are crunchy and good with ketchup!

I'm still a hot babe but now it comes in flashes

I've been trying to work out, but that [censored]'s heavy!

(I didn't see this one, but heard it on a TV preview)

My feminine side is lesbian

My feminine side is lesbian

My other car is a broomstick

Visualize whirled peas.

Isis Isis Ra Ra Ra

The bigger the hat, the better the cowboy

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be..!!

I'm confused, no wait..... maybe I'm not.

The Wheel is turning but the hamster is dead

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Sorry I missed church. I've been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.

IRS: Be Audit You Can Be

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

(bumper)
If you can read this you're too close.

I think a lot of people must think I'm an idiot -- I find an awful lot of things funny....

And, whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

My favorite sticker has always been for the Cape Cod Tunnel - it looks like some sort of official "pass" to let you through the tunnel. The joke is that there's no tunnel - only bridges - but people who come from far away don't realize that and think they're missing out on the tunnel access

Beam me up Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here.

Scotty, stop being a wise-guy! My clothes too please.

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

Dyslexics have more nuf

Don't go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge

In Memorium
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Dyselxics untied

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and that liar!

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, then why the hell isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

It's bad luck to be superstitious!

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

I'm dyslexic and I belong to the ADN. The National Dyslexia Association.

Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.

Never let your mother brush your hair when she's mad at your father.

Divorce: the screwing you get for the screwing you got!

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success!

If all else fails, then stop using all else.

Bill Posters is Innocent!!!

It IS as bad as you think, and yes, they ARE all out to get you.

IF THIS STICKER IS GETTING SMALLER, THE LIGHT IS PROBABLY GREEN..!!

I didn't believe in reincarnation in the last life, why should I in this one?

How many roads must a man travel down before he'll admit he is lost?

Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.

Geico - So easy a caveman can do it...!!

Driver Carries No Cash. He's Married.

Caution: Blonde thinking.
(yes, I'm blonde).

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

I HAD A HANDLE ON LIFE
BUT IT BROKE...!!

Sorry I missed church today but I was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.

Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

Death to all fanatics!

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Apathy is a very serious problem, BUT WHO THE HELL CARES!

Be sincere, whether you mean it or not.

BEER NOW CHEAPER THAN GAS! -DRINK, DON'T DRIVE..!!

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Line dancing--What happens when cousins breed.

- Customer Service Notice -

Helen Waite is now in charge of all rush orders.
If you are in a hurry, just go to Helen Waite...!!

100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?

Do they ever shut up on your planet.

I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

I have PMS and a handgun. Any Questions??

I left the womb for this?

I wish I were a glow worm. A glow worm is never glum.
How could you be unhappy when the sun shines out your bum?

If something goes without saying - LET IT!

Well, at least the war on the environment is going well

If love is blind why is lingerie so popular?

If you smoke after s e x you're doing it too fast.

If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...your aiming too high.

National Atheist's Day April 1

My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.

Warning: 6 Minutes Until Next Mood Swing

And Your Point Is?

Do Not Start With Me. You Will Not Win.

I'm One Of Those Bad Things That Happen To Good People

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade...!!

Real Women don't have Hot Flashes, they have power surges.

What if the hokey pokey IS what its all about?

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me..!!

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

Gay marriage causes global warming

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come and sit next to me.

There's is nothing a woman can do, that two women can't do

I think you've mistaken me for someone who cares.

Is this the face of a people-person?

I've seen better heads on boils!

Never answer an anonymous letter.

Always go to other people�s funerals, or they won�t go to yours.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

I'm a Bomb Technician. If you see me running, try to keep up!

Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?

I keep telling you, stop repeating yourself!

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Age to women is like kryptonite to superman

A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, You Know, Night..!!

You know you're getting fat, when you can pinch an inch on your forehead

I thought I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure. ..!!


PS..Skyhaven, that was a good one..lol..!!

When i was a boy the dead sea was only sick

Squirrels - nature's speed bumps...Uck..!!

Everything that goes up must come down,
But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up. ;o)

Join The Army!
Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them

For Sale:
Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind?
Well, yes or no?

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I'm so old they've canceled my blood type

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

Every evening the Evening news begins with 'Good evening',
And then proceeds to tell you why it isn't!

Funny Fake News Story

Tragedy in Poland

Poland�s worst air tragedy happened today when a small single engine Cessna crashed into a cemetery in Warsaw. Exhausted search and rescue workers have recovered 900 bodies so far and police expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!..!!

One should never trust a woman who tells her right age.
If she tells that she'll tell anything

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

I got a beer for my wife. It was the best trade I have ever made.

He's taking a dirt nap.

As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar

About as interesting as watching paint dry

He's as baffled as Adam on Mothers Day

As nervous as a turkey at Christmas

A legend in her own mind...

Jesus is my airbag!

Mary Caliendo
Tea Editor

Jesus is coming, quick, everybody look busy.

I am at two with nature.

Laurel and Hardy

I�m also not very analytical. You know I don�t spend a lot of time thinking about myself, or why I do things.
- George W. Bush

Tranma-
When your Grandma starts to look like your Grandpa,

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo,
if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

If you want to marry someone, lunch with his ex-wife first.

Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until it's too late.

Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people.

Unions in every state of the union

The best remedy for anger is delay

So this thread is where my Laurel and Hardy famous duos post went. Hmmmm...

lol glad you found it Vance, now send it over where it belongs

Fear only two, God and the man who has no fear of God

According to my best recollection, I don't remember...!!

When anger rises, think of the consequences

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done...!!

When you feel "dog tired" at night, it may be because you growled all day

The difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted...

You're just jealous because the voice are speaking to ME!

The wind of anger blows out the lamp of intelligence

FOLLOW THAT CAR, GODZILLIA -- AND STEP ON IT !!

Be patient with your enemies, and forgiving of your friends

Chuck Norris doesnt need a watch, he decides what time it is.

The only good is knowledge, and the only evil is ignorance

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who really annoy me.

If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear too tight shoes.

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain in the butt the second time around.

My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it!

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of car payments.

My ultimate vocation in life is to be an irritant. How am I doing?

I wished the buck stopped here 'cause I could use a few right now.

When the rapture comes, can I have your car?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the
unexpected expected?

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.!!

"Witches' parking only -- all others will be TOAD."

I think I've got dain bramage.

Don't Take Life Too Seriously, It's Not Permanent.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? ..!!

Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...!!

I'm not as think as you drunk i am

Instant idiot,
Just add alcohol

Marijuana is nature's way of saying HIGH

Don�t hit me. My lawyer�s in jail.

Written upside down on the drivers side of a Jeep, "If you can read this turn me over."

Bartenders do it on the rocks

You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool...!!

I just saw thgis today!!

If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk!

OMG

Mary Caliendo
Tea Editor

I'm tripping on Lactic acid

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Get stoned- drink liquid cement

Grow your own dope, Plant a man

I'm not paranoid, which of my enemies told you this

I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it

Don't wash this vehicle - Undergoing scientific dirt test ..!!

Support wildlife throw a party

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again

Allow me to introduce my selves

I'm not superstitious, because the voices tell me its bad luck

you say I'm a [censored] as if it's a bad thing!

Loved that one. I saw it on a sticker on someones car

You! Out Of The Gene Pool! ..!!

My feminine side is lesbian

Churches only worship the prophet margin...!!

I used to be a kleptomaniac, But i took some thing for it

Inside me is a thin woman crying to get out,
I can usually shut the [censored] up with chocolate

Rosie - where do you keep finding these things?

They are great!!!

Michelle, i log onto funny bumper stickers. glad you enjoy them

Come to the dark side,
we have cookies

What doesn't kill you still requires a co-pay

Michelle, i log onto funny bumper stickers

I used to soar with the eagles, before i got sucked into a jet engine

We now return you to your life-
Already in progress

Use what mother nature gave you;
Before father time takes it back

I thought I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure..!!

I'm not anti-social,;I just hate being with people

What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it is all about

A bank is a place that will lend you money,
If you can prove that you don't need it.
Bob Hope

Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against doors, tables, walls)...!!

The older i get,
The better i was

Love thy neighbor;
But don't get caught

Sometime i wake up grouchy;
Other times i let him sleep

Men are like saving bonds;
They take to long to mature

<picture of a Native American> Homeland Security: Fighting Terrorists Since 1492.

Vegetarian: Old Indian Word for Bad Hunter

I live in my own world. That�s okay, though. They know me there.

NO DANCING! It leads to Baptists.

A Tshirt: arrow pointing up � The Man. Arrow pointing down: the Legend.

License plate: Bah Bah. Car: Black Jeep

License plate: Waaahh Car: Saab

Learn from your parents mistakes,
Use birth control

Driver carries no cash,
Hes married

Horn is broken;
Watch for finger

I still miss my "ex" but my aim is improving

God is coming;
An she is [censored]

Work harder, Millions on welfare depend on you

Save a cow eat a vegetarian

Support the police;
Beat up yourself

I haven't talked to my wife in 18 years. I don't want to interrupt her.

Death is hereditary

Make it idiot proof, and someone will make a better idiot

A fool and his money are a girl's best friend...!!

The advantage of exercising everyday, is that you die healthier

Your village called. They want their idiot back.

Life is pleasant, Death is peaceful, It's the transition that's troublesome

Nobody talks so constantly about God, As those who insist there is no God

I love animals, they taste great

He who laughs last thinks the slowest

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac

We are born naked, wet, and hungry,then things get worse

Wanted, meaningful overnight relationship

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs

Out of mind- back in five minutes

Air pollution is a mist- demeaner

The vast majority of our imports, come from outside the country

My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student

Grow Your Own Dope!
Plant A Man!

I haven't spoken to my wife in eighteen years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I still miss my "EX" but my aim is improving

Instant Idiot,
Just Add Alcohol

Save a cow,
Eat a vegetarian

Work harder, Millions on welfare depend on you!

DOG is my copilot.

Wanted-Meaningful overnight relationship

"Don't make me come down there."
- God

The funniest and scariest thing I heard recently was when a friend was telling us about the 31 days she was in a coma after a hysterectomy, 20 years ago.

3 EEG's were done and all were flat lines, meaning she was considered brain dead. just 4 hours before she was to go down to have her organs taken out and donated, she woke up. She pulled out her breathing tube as an orderly was passing in the hall, she hoarsely whispered she needed water...to which the man replied I am sorry you are NPO (nothing by mouth) for organ donation. DUH!

Finally a nurse came to her beside to take her vitals when she again repeated her request for water, and the nurse asked the orderly to get her a pitcher of water. He said to the nurse, "with all due respect the patient is NPO for organ donation", to which the nurse looked at him sharply and said, "yeah I think we are going to CANCEL that procedure!"

"The way to make a million dollars is to start a religion"

Did you hear about the farmer who's tractor left and never came back? He got a John Deere letter!

Headlines in a local newspaper:

Police Happy, Found Cocaine


Bylen

"The intensity of your religious conviction is inversely proportional to your grip on reality"

Grow your own dope,
Plant a Man

A bumper sticker on an SUV the read:
"My German Shephard is smarter than your honor student"

What made it funny is that I was behind this car in line to pick up our children from Kindergarten, AND she had a stroller in the backseat!

Has anyone heard of a good contest to write bumper slogans directed toward moms?

"A church steeple with a lightning rod shows a lack of confidence."

"Praying is politically correct schizophrenia."

Wanted-Meaningful overnight relationship

Men are like saving bonds, They take to long to Mature

I still miss my "EX" but my aim is improving

Allow me to introduce my selves

I'm not paranoid,
Which of my enemies told you this

Get stoned;
Drink liquid cement

I'm not anti-social;
I just hate being with people

Inside me is a thin woman crying to get out,
I can usually shut the b***h up with chocolate

Marijuana is nature's way of saying High

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand

Love thy neighbor, But don't get caught

Science gets you to the moon, religion flies you into buildings.

it'not paranoia if they are really out to get you.

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Life is a b**ch, drink it up.

***********
I could not get the above link. Anyone else have trouble?

" Thank gawd I'm an atheist"

I said it before and I'll say it again;

"Grow Your Own Dope, Plant A Man"

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits" - Albert Einstein

bumper sticker:

"Bad spellers of the world untie"

Native American Medicine Wheel image with the text:

"Give Me That Olde Time Religion"

Sign in National Park:

"Watch for Bears and Children at play."