BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids names and marriage

This is my first post. I decided to post here since this forum has brought me so much comfort as a CF woman without many CF people in my life. So thank you! I got married 4 years ago, and I was under a lot of pressure from my husband to change my name. I really did not want to. I ended up changing it to First Middle Maiden Hislast. I thought that way my name is still there and he was happy. Now I know that this "solution" is not adequate. Since middle names are hardly ever used, it's like my maiden isn't even there. It's not good enough for just me to know it's there. I'm a feminist at heart but was raised to be a people pleaser. It kills me that I changed my name. Now I'm trying to be a grown up and live how I want to. But I don't know what I want exactly! Maybe I'd like to have it changed back or maybe I should hyphenate. All I know for sure is I want my maiden name to be prominent. I understand I'll probably need to go to court to have it changed. I don't know if I could convince the DMV to change my ID to First Middle-Initial Maiden Hislast and then start going by First Maiden Hislast. Social security cards don't designate which name is what type, so maybe I could swing that. That would be easier, but how could I then prove it to all the companies that I do business with online or over the phone (e.g. credit card companies, etc.)? Send them a copy of my ID? Has anyone else here dealt with this kind of issue with your spouse? With agony over name choice? I'd appreciate hearing about your experiences. I'm also considering changing my middle name while I'm at it (if I go to court), to a name starting with the same letter as the current one. Has anyone encountered a lot of trouble from changing a middle name?

Hi Iris -

My birth name is Julie L. Baumler. When I got married I legally changed my last name to "Baumler HisLast" no hyphen. My husband didn't push me in any way, but he was happy I took his name. I use my maiden name only professionally as I already had a strong professional reputation and had been published under that name. However, in non-professional contexts, I use his last name. I pretty much don't use the two together anywhere. Part of the reason I changed my name is that my mother's name is quite similar to mine (enough that people will think we are the same person and they had the name wrong) and we had the same initials. I'm thrilled to have different initials from hers to sign my needlework with, for instance. I know that part of the reason I feel comfortable with my new name though is that it is of the same ethnic background so I don't feel like I'm losing my identity.

Anyway I've had no problem using either name on it's own. In my state, you can pretty much go by any name you want as long as you are not trying to hide anything, and one way to legally change your name is just to start going by that name. Check the rules for your state, it's likely you can just use your maiden name. Most companies don't care what your name is as long as you pay them. :-)

I do wish we did things like they do in Germany though. There you pick a family name when you get married that is the name that the family is referred to by (and I believe any children are given), but the women don't change their names. So you'd go as Mr and Mrs FamilyName, but you'd keep your birth name as your name.

Julie

I'm still shocked by how many women change their names in the US. Here in Canada, very few of my friends have changed their names and in the province of Quebec, you aren't allowed to change your name after marriage...that law has been in effect for many years because I have friends whose grandmothers never changed their names. My husband (who is American) assumed I would change my name until I told him that wasn't going to happen! I've always known I would be keeping my maiden name because I've always liked it, it's easy to spell and pronounce, and my dad is an only child so the name will basically die with me and my brother. Also, I knew I wasn't going to have kids so why change my name?

I suppose the name change rules are different everywhere, but here it is fine to use your husband's name except on legal documents (ie passport) even if you haven't legally changed it. Of my few friends that have changed their, it's your option of Herfirst Hermaiden Hislast, and they use all three names. We don't have to go to court to change our names legally, it's a simple paper application that costs like $180. To change your name on bills or whatever, just send them a copy of your legal name change.

The laws on changing your name vary from state to state. In many cases, you have to go to court and explain to a judge why you are changing and prove that you aren't doing it to escape legal obligations. In some states, I believe you have to run newspaper ads annoucing the change so that debtors and such can find you. It can be a super complicated process. So you really have to want it.

Hey Iris28,

good topic as it is something I have been struggling with myself. I did take my husbands name and now almost a decade later I want to change it back. I feel like I can't though because he would be hurt and everybody would probably think there is a problem in our marriage. theres no problem. just in my heart of hearts I am a STEIN!

I like what they do in germany, by taking a family name. its kinda lame that in the US most guys are looking for you to forfeit your name and take theirs. (I'll save the rest of the feminist rant for another day)

my idea was to eventually go to court and have my maiden name replace my middle name or join the hyphen club and be Stein-Hubbyname. but I haven't mentioned this to my husband yet.

the best advice I can give is to do what feels best for you. this is something that is bothering you and this is your identity. it is what you are known as. be proud of who you are and if who you are is Iris Maiden name, look into it further. from what I can tell court costs here can grange from $800-$2000.

would your husband be mad if your changed it?

I kept my birth name, when I married at 27. I decided when I was a teenager that I would keep my name. I told this to my now husband early in the relationship. Since when does love mean changing your identity? I got a card in the male that said Mrs. and my husbands first and last name..I actually got mad inside...lol. I don't know why...I just did.

I'm so glad I decided to stick to my guns and keep my name after I got married. I think it hurt my husband's pride a bit but I had to do what felt right for me. He wouldn't change his name if I asked him to, so why do I have to change mine?
I hate how a woman not taking her husband's name is taboo here. That tradition probably only happened so men could show ownership over their wives and children anyway :b

I got a lot of flack from family members for not taking his name. His mother looked at me like I grew a second head when I told her. My cousin made fun of me, told me I was a retard and talked [censored] about me to the family because of it. I never seemed to live my life the way other people feel I should have so I don't give a damn anyway. I just wish people would just let others live their lives. Some of them acted as though I committed a murder or something.

If I were you, I'd look up the laws of name changing in your state online. Then you can decide whether you want to continue with it from there. Good luck.

My FSIL and BIL did the same to me. On their wedding invitation they wrote Mr. and Mrs. -hubby's last name-. I was furious. Especially since they knew I kept my name. It's not my name legally so why would I want people writing it that way in personal letters/invites? It wouldn't have killed them to respect me enough to write out my name. Maybe I'm being over sensitive about it, but it peeved me off severely. I later told my BIL to get my name right next time. If he does it again, there's going to be a problem.

I think it would be possible to hyphenate it. But check and see. Your state should have a website that will give good legal information. Most public libraries have weblinks to legal help in your area. Try going to your public library's website and searching their recommended sites or databases for guidance to a legal help website in your state.

If you do decide to legally change it, it's not that hard. When I got divorced, I changed my last name to my great-grandmother's maiden name (to remind myself to always be a strong woman). I had to get fingerprints done and sent in and had to have a background check and go to court. It wasn't too hard, and I love the fact that I got to choose a name that meant something to me. I do love my maiden name, but my new name has a lot of meaning for me.

One thing to remember on formal invites it is customary to write it our Mr and Mrs SO andso.. evne if you have seperate last names because when you are married tradition says that you go by the husbands last name in formal matters.

It is NOT usually an insult to you to have this happen. My nephews have a different last name than their mother, however when formal invites come to the house they say Mrs. Theirlast name verses my sister. She understands it is a formality and doesn't flip out because she knows who she is.

Be strong in your identity and remember that common courtesy dictates writing formal affairs a certain way.