I never wanted to have children. Ever. it was the only thing I was sure about in my life. I was, as far back as I can remember disgusted by the thought of pregnancy and birth. And that was never a problem for me, except when friends started to get pregnant and I had to fake to be happy for them. The fact that my interest in children was non existent made me really hard to understand why they were willingly going through such an ordeal.

But then I met my husband. We were both 33. And he wanted to have children. And then came the guilt feelings. I really loved him (still do) and I felt bad that because of me, he could be missing something that seems to be so great for others. Not to mention a certain fear to loose him in the long run. Let�s face i, it is a myth that women always want to have children and men have to be talked into it. Most men want children. Did I really want to risk to spend the rest of my life alone?
And then, you know, you have been hearing your whole life how wonderful is to have kids, right? and not only from people who really had a baby wish. You are always hearing stories about people who never wanted to have children and then they had them somehow and now they think it was the best thing they ever did.
Oh! and who hasn't heard how labor pains are forgotten when you have your child in your arms?
So I started to have doubts about my own wishes. And eventually got pregnant.
Not even 5 minutes was I happy about being pregnant. When I found out, I felt sooo bad that I was taking anti depressive medication. Then, thank the hormones I guess, I was for the most part in a state of indolent denial with occasional breakdowns. I made no secret of it, told everybody. And people kept giving me deadlines: "when you see the first echography you will be moved", "when it starts moving it is so exciting". I was never excited, moved, I never felt curiosity about what he or she would look like, I never made one of those pre birth courses... I just didn't want to be reminded that it was going to happen, and even worse, to be with women who were looking forward to having a child, no understanding there! Buying baby things was enough to put me in a hysterical mood for days. My only consolation was to see my husband so excited (although he also had his ups and downs seeing me) My hope, and everybody was totally sure about it (specially my husband) was, that when I saw the kid I would love him and feel better. I knew it wouldn't be immediately, as everybody led me to believe, but with a little time...
Birth took 35 hours and it was a lot worse than in my worst nightmares. When it was over I couldn't believe or understand why the midwives were congratulating me. They gave me the child and I felt it was not polite to say "I don�t want him" so i had him a couple of seconds and then handed it over to my husband, who couldn't hide his emotion, and turned over in bed. I stayed in the hospital 2 or 3 days and I cried all the time. I refused to breastfeed, and had to fake interest in the baby, it was too embarrassing with everybody so excited all around me. Out of a strong sense of responsability, I took care of the baby almost from the beginning, and after a few months I could feel love for him (at the beginning I just felt sorry for him)
My son is now 20 months and I am not a monster, so I love him. But I am still taking medication, going to therapy, and, although I can be happy most of the time, I still have breakdowns every time somebody announces she is pregnant. I feel so inappropriate!!! Not to mention I have no interest in sex. And I was a veeery sexual person. Now everything reminds me of the horror. I really miss not having children, the sex and the freedom!
I know how difficult is to be understood when you don't want to have children, I had to hear: "you will change your mind" since I was 9. And then two years of hearing it also from the man you love, fantasizing about how wonderful it would be to have a part of us both in our hands. He just couldn't get it. I told him, "you think it is romantic, to me it is horrible that someone who says to love me, would be happy to see me suffer like that.
Neither my psychiatrist nor my psychologist have found a group of people with a similar problem. This forum is the closest thing, but then, childfree people could go: your problem for doing something you didn't want.
I am just an example of how much pressure a woman has to take. I refuse to believe I am the only woman who didn't want to have a child but caved in. But maybe I am the only one with regrets!!!

Solalux, I am sorry to hear about your story. I wish I could be that person to give you all kinds of words of wisdom, but I can only imagine what you are going through.

I don't think there would be that many people here that would tell you "your problem for doing something you didn't want"
Most of the people here are very understanding, non-judgmental, and wise.

I think there are probably other women who feel like you do. Keep searching! I hope you find someone to share with and that can truly understand what you are feeling.

Solalux, I'm sorry to hear about your situation too, and I hope you are able to find all of the things you are looking for (friendship, comfort, peace). I think many of us in this forum can identify with the pressure you felt.

I am sure you are not the only one who is going through what you are feeling, but I would guess that most mothers would not admit to it.

I have a friend who never wanted to have children but found herself unexpectedly pregnant despite being on the pill. She didn't realize it until she was about 3 months along; she told me that she would have had an abortion except that by 3 months she felt it was really too late. Her child is now about 6 months old, and she does some of the "normal mom" things (shows pictures, talk to the other moms about motherhood and diapers and things like that), but during and after the pregnancy I never heard her express anything about how great it was to be pregnant, to give birth, to meet her baby. It always seemed that she was just adapting and nothing more. While she was pregnant she often talked about how overwhelming the idea of parenthood was. Now that the child is here, she always talks about how stressful it is to be a mother and how she never gets any sleep. I do think she loves her child, but I often wonder if she is at all happy about being a mother.

Solslux, I'm so, so sorry.

I'm also married to a child-wanting man, who is now pushing for a family, having lived in denial of my very open feelings on this issue. I found this forum while wondering if I was really the only woman on earth who didn't want children, and your post struck me.

I can absolutely empathise with your reaction to pregnancy and birth, and I want to thank you, because I really needed to think about what it means to do something so visceral when you really don't want to. All of a sudden it's hit home to me how little happiness my husband would or should get watching me go through this. I wish you all the best, and hope you find what you need.

Nothing but sympathy here. Oy, your post bleeds pain all over. It also p*sses me off more at the puking, mealy-mouthed platitudes that are so often spouted: it's different when they're your own; I didn't want kids either - then I held my newborn for the first time. *wretch*

Thin sympathy and maybe you've already been told this, but, eventually there'll be a time when you are more "free" from the kid. Kindergarten .. full-time school .. also, perhaps it will get better when the child reaches a stage when (to me) it appears more human. I can't believe how fascinated people are about babies. To me, the helpless, roly-poly things are about as interesting to watch as a slug crossing the garden. I tell them to bring it back when I can have a conversation and discover something interesting and compatible about the kid.

I don't believe you are the only one with regrets. You are actually one of the bravest people I've ever read. We CFs consider ourselves brave for going so against the grain of what is considered a mandatory stage of life. You've followed that grain against your own principles for the benefit of your husband and have the courage to say that it doesn't always turn out for the best. It's a very strong declaration that I hope serves as a cautionary tale for those thinking that "love" will make it all work out. It sometimes doesn't.

I certainly wish the best for you and your child. Also hope that your husband appreciates your sacrifice and bravery.

Solalux,

I want you to know that I completely understand. I am 33 and I don't want kids. I never have. I have tried to talk myself into it. I had a longtime boyfriend who wanted them and I thought if I wanted to keep him I'd better talk myself into it. I couldn't do it and I'm glad.

I get annoyed because at our age kids are all people talk about. They post pictures of their kids online, and write about the little things their kids did that day, and I am just not interested. I am polite but I don't think I ask all the questions I'm supposed to ask. People have always told me I would fall in love with my own kids if I have them, but I don't think the opportunity's going to come up, anyway.

I don't want to go on and on about myself, but know that I sympathize with you and wish you the best of luck. All you can do is do for your child what you would want done for you. Even if you do not feel close, give hugs and kisses and praise. It is infinitely valuable.

I'm sorry you have gone through what you have. Write me if you want.

I have found more understanding in this forum in a couple of days, that in all my life everywhere else. Thank you very much, it really helps. I don't want to victimize myself more than necessary, once you have a kid, you can really get attached to it. You love him, and you can understand that kids can be cute and funny, because they are so innocent. My man is happy, and with all my suffering, more than contented with just one child. But I hate it when people think that I was "wrong" before, and now I have seen the light. A child is to me a lot more work than fun, and it feels terrible, but I know I would have been happier with a man with no interest in kids, laughing at all our looser friends, with nothing to talk about but kids. And being a mother was never in me. I love my child like you would love someone you really like, or a pet. I do not feel a physical connection at all (thank God, because the bodily part was the worst), I feel funny when people refer to me as his mum, and I feel just overwhelmed when he calls me so.
And it irrationally outrages me that it is easier to find on line pedophiles or anorexic girls exchanging tips about their "lifestyle" than people like me.

Dear Solalux, I am so sorry to hear about what you've been through, and I admire your bravery and honesty in sharing your story. I've lost relationships because of my lack of interest in becoming a mother. If I'd only one night said "yes" instead of "no" I'd be in the same situation as you right now.

I don't know if you've read the book "The Road Less Travelled", but it has a great chapter on how love is not about feeling, it's about DOING. By doing your best for your son, despite your initial feelings, you're showing so much courage and love. I hope you and your family can be happy, and that your husband fully appreciates what you have done for him.

Wow Solalux, that is a very moving story and I am sorry for all your pain. I am pretty sure if I'd had kids I would have been just like you...and there were a few men in my past I probably would have been willing to have a child for if they really wanted them (fortunately I've never really been with a man who did). So this could have been ME.

I feel like copying your post and sending it to my mother, so show her what could have happened had I bought into the "once it's yours you will feel different" myth. Maybe we all should.

I feel your suffering and hope you can find friendships at home that are understanding and supportive to you instead of just confused.

You could do what my parents did: have a lot of babysitters, have a lot of no-children-allowed house parties, let me pretty much do what i wanted to do instead of feeling a need to entertain me all the time. I got the feeling my parents were never really wrapped up into being parents and had their own lives as their main interest. And I was totally okay with that.

My sister, on the other hand, wanted our mother to be more like June Cleaver and I don't think she ever forgave mom and dad for not being all about her and the family.

But she was a second child and my understanding is that first/only children are a lot more independent-minded. So with your one child, hopefully you will find this to be the case. And then you won't have to be one of those baby-obsessed mothers: you can focus on your own life and goals and dreams, your own hobbies, of which parenting is just one of them.

Good luck sweetie.

Solalux, your story has moved me more than anything I have ever read in my life. You sound so much like me in your position on kids and how uncomfortable you are hearing about them or being around them.

I am so incredibly sorry for everything that has happened to you. I can only hope you can learn to cope and try to stay happy in your situation; I know if I were in your situation, I would take drastic measures to get out of it. So I admire your strength in pulling through.

Wow...the emotions I feel just hearing your story depress me. Does your husband understand how this has changed you?

Please don't hesitate to PM me if you ever need to talk to anyone, if only to vent or seek encouragement. I really, really feel for you and your situation.

Best of luck with everything.

Solalux, I salute you for your courage and integrity. I hope your husband appreciates what you've done for him. How sad that you feel so alone - if it's any consolation, I'm sure you're not the only woman who's felt like this.

I'm a newbie poster,*waves* but I seriously doubt anyone here will judge you. Your story made me sad. It's the 21st century - when will society wake up to the fact than not everyone wants to be a parent and quit pressuring them to reproduce?

Solalux, I too was very moved by your story and would like you to know that there are definitely other mothers like you out there. Oprah even had a show on the topic a couple of years ago and apparently it was one of her most controversial shows ever! And around the same time a book called No Kid : Quarante raisons de ne pas avoir d'enfant came out, written by a French mother who deeply regretted her decision. The other posters are correct, though: it is definitely not a commonplace opinion. Here in Canada, where we have one year of maternity leave, one co-worker told me that some women she knew felt pressured into taking the whole year off with their baby because going back to work too soon would make them look like bad mothers.

I personally believe that a good number of our own mothers did not enjoy motherhood very much and had other goals for themselves. However, the social and employment restrictions of the era prevented them from either achieving those goals or expressing their true feelings on motherhood. It is deeply disturbing to me how much pressure we put on women to conform to 1950s stereotypes of womanhood. I hope that you can draw enough joy from your son to compensate for your pain, and that you can build enough of an independent life of your own. Best of luck and feel free to chat further.

Hi Solalux.
I completely understand your feelings. I was in a similar sitution and I do have a son but sometimes I do want to return back and be child free.

Actually my story is somewhat similiar to yours Solalux. However there's a big difference that I'm noticing between me and you and many other women in general in the way I was raised. I was told growing up NOT to have children. I was never told that one day I would want or love children. I was instructed to stay far away from boys. Instead I was supposed to go to SCHOOL and WORK. Those were the values upheld in my household. Not one adult around me praised the virtues of parenthood. I can still hear my father saying "you have two or three kids and it ruins your life" and my mother telling me how much of a drain children were. My parents (tho I'm quite sure they wouldn't say this) were feminists.

My girlfriends every one of them did talk about looking forward to motherhood and big weddings. Don't ask me what I thought or said when the subject would come up I don't remember, but I knew that I did not want children. I wasn't raised to have children. I was raised to go to SCHOOL and WORK. (Parents have much more influence over a child than peers. I realize this now.)

While I didn't want children, I definitely wanted commited male companionship. So I met a boy in college we moved in together right after college, then married a year or so later.

And the strange thing is is that I married my husband knowing FULL well that my husband saw himself as a father--yet I did not want this. And what's really weird is that an issue as big as having children, was not something we ever talked about. WE NEVER, EVER DISCUSSED THIS EVER. It wasn't a priority. I can only remember the issue coming up a few times. Once, after we were married we watched this Eddie Murphy movie called Boomerang. In the movie a character said that she wanted 10 kids and my husband said "yeah, that's right." You would think that would have sparked a discussion but it didn't! I wasn't afraid, I wasn't nervous, I wasn't anxious, I didn't feel like I was withholding information. I just laughed at the jokes in the movie and forgot about it.

I was in complete denial. I heard what my husband said but it just didn't register or I didn't connect the dots. I know this sounds ridiculous, but my husband saying he wanted to have children seemed to have nothing to do with me at the time. I was groomed to go to SCHOOL and to PURSUE A CAREER not to have children.

We were together for about seven years and then I discovered I was pregnant. That's when the panic and horror set it and I had no choice but to express fully how I felt about the situation. But alas it was too late. I said I wasn't having the baby. But I was 28 and married so I did, then I had another 2 years later. I made peace with the situation. And it probably appears to the outside world that I planned this whole thing, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I love my children but have SERIOUS issues with the this society. Parents within a "nuclear family" have very little support. Let me say this again. Parents have VERY little support and any woman or man who says they don't want to be a parent and sticks to their guns--unlike me--I salute you. I SALUTE YOU!!!!

For those of us who were against it, but did not take a strong enough stand, all we can do at this point is accept it and give the children the raising they deserve to the best of our ability.

I love my children but for a long time I had regrets because I didn't fight for what I believed. And the sad part is is that I wasn't really under any pressure at all. My husband wasn't begging me to have a baby. While he'd said a few times he saw himself as a father, he never bought it up. In 1998 (the year our son was born) he was enjoying his life, coming home from work, going to lectures, bulding his jazz collection, collecting 1000s of books for his library, etc He was much happier then than he was when we were both miserable and in the thick of things cira 2001 when we had a toddler and a newborn. My parents sure didn't expect me to have a baby and my friends only talked about what THEY were going to do and never delved into my life to tell me what I should do, none of our siblings (mine and my husband) had children or seemed to want them. There was really no one on this earth, not a soul telling me that I SHOULD have or want a baby. I was in a perfect position to take a stand and I had a baby anyway--two of them.

Leah, your story is amazing. I do have a couple of questions, and these are true, honest, and respectful questions -- not intended to be adversarial or anything like that.

You mentioned that when you found you were pregnant with your first child, you had a sense of panic and horror. I was curious, if you don't mind me asking, why you chose to have a second child when it sounds like having the first one was pretty traumatic?

You also mentioned that parents don't have much support from society, and I wondered if you had a few specific examples of that? From my perspective, I feel like society does all kinds of things to accommodate the people around me who have children, so to me it has always felt that they have more support than I do. As one particular example, my employer's health insurance plan has two rates: single and family. I am on the "family" rate so that my husband can have health insurance, but that means I pay the same insurance premiums as someone who has children; essentially, my colleagues get "free" health insurance for their kids, most likely at my expense.

I thank you for listening to my questions, and I hope you do not find them to be insensitive.

Solalux, It is sooo beautiful and kind of you to share such a personal story. I think we are all in different situations that may or may not be of our making but somehow we learn to live with, hey? Whats that saying, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade". While you are not alone, I think you are in the perfect position to share your story, like an ambasador, who will enable people to understand "the other side", and help them to count the cost. I am 32 hald never wanted kids, but about 3 years ago...I had started to consider it. I have no idea what came over me, to be honest, I can't explain it, I just remember that I wanted to buy a car first. Anyway, after that relapse I came to my senses, and have really thought about it long and hard, its not been easy for me to come to this descision because I honestly though I was alone in this. I have never ever known someone who deliberately decided not to have children, so, where I came from it was a first so you can imagine the pressure. No-one tells stories like yours. Once I googled " I hate being a mother" not that you do, but I wanted to see if there are real people out there who feel really messed up by this, and spew, couldn't believe one blog, that had mothers venting like hell had broken lose. My point is though that its so hard to find people who share their stories with such honesty, and maybe consider it becoming your persoanl responsibility to share your story, for the sake of someone who may feel really out of place in society for thinking the way they do. Solalux, I hope you will be able to find a support group that meets your needs, to the last T like I have found MNK

The pressure to reproduce never ends! For a lot of people having an only child, depriving a child of the possibility of growing up with siblings, amounts to a horrible form of child abuse! That could be a topic for another forum :-)

Thank you Morrii and all others that showed their support. I also googled like crazy looking for people like me before, during and after my pregnancy. And almost all I got was information about post-partum depression. As if a real psychiatrych condition could be the only explanation for women not being able to bond with their babies right away!! And my only thought was always: There must be something between mothers who abuse and beat up their kids to death and mothers for whom having their children is the most beautiful thing that can ever happen to a woman. Nothing in life is black or white, why should this mother issue be different?. WE ALL ARE DIFFERENT! There must be women out there who were also forced into motherhood and do not love the idea and are not mentally impaired:

I must say I love my child deeply, I am a loving person and I would love a cat if I were forced to adopt one (the metaphore is horrible) But I still behave as a CF, I avoid moms all I can, I am always looking forward to meeting my childfree friends to forget about diapers and rashes and can only wonder when somebody I know gets pregnant, especially when I think she had a nice life.

Hi LoveChildfree:

Those are good questions!

Actually that second baby was MY idea and a PLANNED baby--despite how I felt about the first pregnancy. Once we had the first baby, I was adament about that child not being an only child. I just couldn't imagine how my life had been growing up if I did not have siblings. Even though I never wanted to have a baby (it took weeks of meditation classes while I was pregnant before I could even IMAGINE myself holding my own baby). Once I became a mother, I decided I'd give the child what I thought was right, and I thought a sibling was right. In retrospect I see that I perhaps should have had better reasons. Also I had the second baby 26 months after the first, which I read (after the fact) was not good developmentally for the first baby and not good physically or emotionally for me. But the second baby was here by the time I found all of this out. I had insomnia for about a year and when I did sleep I had nightmares about the children and childbirth. And all of this happened because I never took a definitive stand on anything until AFTER the fact.

In terms of parents not having support. You've heard the saying that it takes a village to raise a child--which is an African proverb. In the African village, children are raised by everyone, so the pressure is on society, not on one or two people. But here it's much, much different and it's horrible I think. It's usually two parents and some extended family (if you're lucky) and that's it. From reading hundreds of self-help books as the life coaching editor here, I've read about case after case where the problems that we have can be traced to our parents who didn't give us what we needed as we grew up. That is so not fair. It's just not fair. As one of my gurus Queen Afua says, our parents "gave us what they had" and we can only give what we have. Where was the village when our parents needed some support?

In essence parenting has always looked like a tedious, relentless, thankless job to me--and this view of parenting was fostered partly by my own parents who told me parenting ruined your life and forced you to make unpleasant sacrifices. Also I'm obssessed with what bell hooks calls time and tiredness. I love hard work, but the idea of being responsbile for someone else's life terrified me. Still does to be honest. I pray alot and do what needs to be done.

I might also add that once I became pregnant with the first baby and took all of the classes, that's when I started to read a lot of self-help, which lead to my writing personal experience essays which lead to self-help writing. I also have certificates in child care and worked in a day care center. One day I'll write a book for parents who love their kids but don't like parenting.

I'm not saying all of this to say that others should do what I did and have babies when they are either indifferent or downright against the idea, but rather to say I did adjust and made the most of it. And still wholeheartedly support those who do not want to be parents. I think decisions--one way or the other--are great.

I have to add one thing here. Wanting a child doesn't automoatically guarantee that the person will know how to parent once the child gets here. And not wanting a baby doesn't mean that you can't learn how to parent once the baby is born. I took class after class, read book after book. Learning how to be a parent doesn't come naturally just from desire as some people seem to think.

And I also have to say thank you Solalux for bringing up this subject. Actually this whole forum has been VERY eye opening. No one ever asked me to have a baby or said that I should, but I had two any way despite the fact that I really against the idea on every level--pregnancy, delivery and raising...none of it was appealing, but I did it anyway...

I've been writing about general life coaching principles for years, but I think I just found my audience..."the accidental parent..."

Leah, I think you will find a very needing and grateful audience there. And I'm not just talking about teenagers.

My daughter was not planned. She came along during a time of grief over a suicide in my family. I was on birth control, but taking antibiotics, and in my grief miscalculated the "safe" days for sex. (Plus just really needed the touch of my husband at that time).

It took almost losing her to really appreciate her.

Your exeriences and compassion will help many people.

Your story is truly heartbreaking; I can sense so much sadness; I pick up on that energy just reading your post. I really hope that things will become better for you as the years go by and that regardless of what has happened, you will have a beautiful, meaningful, and happy life. All of the best to you; I really hope that all goes well for you.

Jeepers Leah, just read your post there (I know it was ages ago), but I couldn't believe it - I have never heard of/read/talked to anyone that was in same situation as myself - until today. It was uncanny the words you used and the descriptions of your upbringing - you could have been writing about me - and I really didn't think there was anyone else out there like that!! Every other childfree person seems to be holding against a wave of baby pushers - but not me! Parents always wanted me to study work hard and get ahead in life. Since I got married 2 years ago, they have never mentioned the possiblity of me having children (I think it's in case they mention it, I might start thinking about it!). Everytime my mum's friends have a grandchild, she wont mention it to me (I find out usually by accident), none of my siblings had children (this has never been discussed) and hubby and I have never talked about it save for a 30 second very awkward conversation in the car about a year ago (we are both mid thirties and have been dating since i was 16 - you would think we could talk about this!!!). So I feel that I'm in the middle of a hush hush society and have never been able to comfortably talk to anyone about having/not having children. I only have one friend who had a baby, have seen the child a few times, but have had to "put on" cooing and ahhing - as I dont know what to say to it or her! I hope I'm saying things she wants to hear! I've never had an interest in children (I'm not one of these people who "adore" their nieces,e tc, but I'm afraid that that's my mother's (very strong) influence on me and I dont know how to work out if its for me or not - if I talk to someone with children - I dont trust them to tell the truth!!! Any thoughts?

Well, NancyDrew, my feeling is that if you liked and wanted kids you'd like them regardless. When I was a kid/teenager I ADORED science fiction and horses. My mother thought SciFi was 'wierd' - couldn't talk to her about it at all without getting teased about it, and horses? Forget it. She had NO interest. However, that didn't stop me from still loving both to this day. So, to answer your question, my personal feeling is that if you wanted to be a mother, that would be something you would want for yourself regardless of your mother's influence, and if holding a friend's child did nothing for you, then maybe that's a huge sign indicating the answer.

I'm sorry for your situation, Solalux and all the women who feel as you do. The more I read these posts (haven't read 'em all yet) the more scared I am of having children. One thing I don't get is how some are able to be in a relationship so long and not discuss children. It baffles me to no end. I'm a very, VERY open person. I discussed everything with my hubby before we married and still do to this day. Even those crazy hypothetical discussions that just bug him to death lol. I would be scared to go into a relationship and not know what my partner was thinking or planning without me. I think it's important for those who are in a relationship to remember to have these sort of discussions before entering marriage. It's sure to affect your life/relationship at some point. I don't know how I would feel if I were pregnant. Sometimes I think I'd be somewhat happy. Look forward to the small things. Like reading him/her stories, those moments when he/she makes you laugh, graduating school, birthday parties, etc. But then I think of the negatives. Illnesses, responsibilities, tantrums, strain on my marriage, so on and so on. I think I would consider abortion which goes against every moral fiber of my being. I don't know if I would have to courage to abort my baby. I think I would love it too much. I also don't know if my in laws or my own mother would ever speak to me again if I made that choice. Then to deal with the guilt in my heart... :S One question for the mothers who wanted to remain child free, was abortion ever an option for you and if so, why did you choose not to go through with it?

[quote=Solalux]I never wanted to have children. Ever. it was the only thing I was sure about in my life. I was, as far back as I can remember disgusted by the thought of pregnancy and birth. And that was never a problem for me, except when friends started to get pregnant and I had to fake to be happy for them. The fact that my interest in children was non existent made me really hard to understand why they were willingly going through such an ordeal. ..... Neither my psychiatrist nor my psychologist have found a group of people with a similar problem. This forum is the closest thing, but then, childfree people could go: your problem for doing something you didn't want. I am just an example of how much pressure a woman has to take. I refuse to believe I am the only woman who didn't want to have a child but caved in. But maybe I am the only one with regrets!!! [/quote] Solalux, you can't imagine how well I understand you. I'm 26 and I have no children. never in my life have I ever EVER wanted, or even thought of having children. I know that I never will, althogh some people enjoy telling me "never say NEVER...and you'll change your mind" - ever since I was 10 - same like you. Now my friends - smart, beautiful, educated women...start getting pregnant and bearing children. And don't know how to hide my attitude to what they become. No need to tell what I mean, I hope...the picture is sad. Having a child or not is a free choice and I'm a free - minded person. But this kind of...makes me feel lonely. I have never been alone in my life - never felt like that. I don't feel like having a "gap", an emptiness in my life, that needs to be filled...with a child! But I miss my friends - that's true. I feel them lost - and they are lost - to me! Because after bearing children, no woman is the same anymore. And you either go with the stream - like all others do...or you stay outside...as an ousider. And that's what I am. I'm a free - minded, happy outsider in a society of unhappy - always complaining, overburdened, dependent and depressed parents. Yes - I'm happy - i don't complain - like all people in my country do. Even when I feel bad, I say to myself "It can always be worse - I could have had children!... :easter:" But i don't feel happy seing other people's misfortune. Knowing the reason for it. And knowing, that these same people would be those, who would blame me and comment behind my back on my private life in a year or two... This is the first place ever I found, where ther are people like me. It doesn't matter to me, from which country, race or religion you are...what your sexual orientation is, marital, social and other status... It feels much better not being the only one, thinking like this in this world!:) Don't you think? :)

Hi KarenMR, thanks for your views - i suppose my comments when seen in isolation look a bit one sided, but there is more to my (and I'm sure everyone's) story than can be written here -but your right, i didn't feel anything when I held her baby and I'd go so far as to say - I havent a clue what other people actually do feel at times like that - not a notion! But it is good to talk, as Aquarius said, there's not many of us around.

I had to ask a friend once: what does "klucky" feel like, because we are told you get Klucky when you see someone elses baby... but I didn't think what I was feeling was what they referred to. Because it didn't seem to result in the same thought processes.

Andso? ~ Trust me, I have never felt 'klucky', but I think it refers to a hen sitting on her chicks and protecting them with her life. YUK!

Ya, 'they' seem to have a different thought process.....WHATEVER.

cp

Lol, Klucky? I've never heard that term but that's hilarious. It's sad that women like us are told how to feel. I don't feel "klucky" when I see kids but I do enjoy children. I just enjoy it more when I'm able to hand them back to their mothers at the end of the day ;)

i had a baby last year and think about killing myself everyday. not meant to be a mother and can't turn it back. yes i suffer from depression and psychosis - sold my home, lost my mom, had a baby, broke up with the father. all i can do now is work and send in checks for daycare. what an awful way to live... i know my poor daughter will grow up without a mother. fortunately i have a sister that is stepping in to help

Omg Madness, I'm so sorry. Are you getting any help at all? Counseling, family programs, that sort of thing? I hope your stress eases. Be strong and try your best to remain positive. Being clinically depressed, I know how hard that can be but it helps to try. I wish you all the best. We're all here to hear you out if you need us.

Madness, I am so sorry to hear of the awful time you are having. It's great that your sister is there to help you - are you getting proper support from a doctor as well?

Many warm hugs to you. Please don't feel you are alone - keep reaching out to us here.

Madness ~ I'm so very sorry for what you are going through. Please vent all you want on here. We will listen and give all the support we can.

Are you on medication for depression ? Please see a doctor and tell him exactly what you have told us. There are good meds available, and they work wonders. Help is available.

I'm wishing you the very best. Keep us posted. We want to help.
Take care.

cp

Solalux,
I haven't read through all of these posts but just wanted to say that you are definitely not the only mom who wishes she wasn't a mom. In my early 20s, I met two adorable, older ladies, both of whom had 4 or 5 grown kids each, and they both wished they hadn't had any (unfortunately, they got married very young, were in abusive relationships, and were "expected" to have children).

I also have a good friend who has met several young mothers who, feeling comfortable with my friend, have revealed that had they known how hard it would be, they wouldn't do it again. I also know of other moms of grown children who say they'd be just fine had they never had them.

I know there are plenty of unhappy moms out there that are "faking" being happy, so don't feel as though you're the only one.

I think you are very courageous and brave for choosing to be a mom, and I admire the love you have for your husband. It must be very deep... the kind of love most people can only dream of. If the cost of that kind of love meant having a child, I would say it was worth it, and I'm glad you commented somewhere that you are able to be happy most of the time and that despite not enjoying being a mother, you love your son. I'm sure the love for your son will only grow stronger, especially the older he gets.

You say you're afraid of sex now, and that really concerns me. If your husband is happy with just one child, perhaps he would consider a vasectomy? You had your little boy "for" your husband, and I would hate that to be in vain were you two to grow apart. I know there's more to a relationship than sex, but it's certainly an important part.

Also, if parenting is putting a strain on your marriage, might I suggest a weekly date night? Time and time again, I have heard how doing this one thing can greatly repair a marriage that has been strained by children. It's so important to still have that time together.

Amen to all that DifferentKindOfGirl wrote. Solalux and Madness, I really feel for you both and hope that things get better for you. Solalux, thank you for your very honest, moving post. It really confirms how I've already felt about wanting to stay CF and not to be so quick to buy into what others may say. You are so right about how often you hear people telling you how wonderful motherhood is, "you'll change your mind," "It's different when they're your own," when many of us would indeed not feel that way. I know for a fact that you are not the only parent out there who feels this way because I've heard them admit IRL that it's not always all it's cracked up to be. I suspect many more are afraid to say anything negative. I really admire your courage.

Thank you everybody for your posts. It has been eight months since I wrote that post and I have come a long way. I am feeling a lot better now. I still have occasional breakdowns when somebody asks (and it happens way too often) when a little brother or sister comes. Or when somebody in my environment gets pregnant, especially if it is not for the first time. (I mean, you can do it once out of ignorance, but then again???), or when I see someone breastfeeding, which makes me hate my body. But those episodes have become few and far between.

My relationship with my son is healthy and beautiful. He is 2 years 4 months old, very sweet, very smart and well behaved (for his age) I can honestly tell that I am totally in love with him.

My relationship with my husband has remained strong and we love each other despite all I/we went through. My husbands honestly thought that, because I am a nice loving person, I would love to have a child, at least eventually. He also thought, that birth couldn't be so terrible because everybody does it and I was going to have my epidural. He really really did not believe that I could go off sex, because I was always horny before. But he was wrong and, although he has always been the one trying to cheer me up and keep me optimist, I know he has suffered with guilt. He also bought all the cliches (basically that EVERYBODY is meant to have children), I cannot blame him, I was the one not wanting children and so much pressure was making me doubt my own feelings.

Periewinkle: you are right, people suffer a lot and won't tell you. I know now that I am not the only one. I know that a lot of those postpartum depressions out there have a lot to do with disappointment in a baby who cannot live up to the expectations, and in oneself for not being ecstatic with love and overjoyed, but cranky and in pain.

Thank you DifferentKindofGirl for your sweet post. My DH and I do a lot of things together, we send our son early to bed and we have quiet evenings with candles and wine almost everyday, we go out whenever we can, we even had a couple of weekend getaways. My issues with sex have nothing to do with fear though. I just lost my interest 100% after birth. I felt ridiculous having sex, it was like my sexual organs had nothing to do with fun, just with reproduction. This is also getting better, thank God, but it is not like before yet, and it may never be. You are right about the love we share. It is something special. If we had broken up over the baby thing, I doubt I would have found somebody quite so good again. I am not a serial monogamist, lol

I must say, I make a totally happy picture when I am with son, I even can honestly say, I am a reasonably good mother. But if somebody asks me, I will be as honest as ever. I will never be caught telling CFs how worthy it has been, even if in my personal case, it has been so in the long term: I saved my relationship, got to know myself better and know who I really am. If I had not had a child, I would have been questioning and torturing my self till the end of my days. But as you guys can see, all the reasons that made it worthy have nothing to do with children. I still find them too much work, I miss sleeping in at weekends, I miss the freedom, and, if I had found somebody like me, I would have turned 50 making fun at the silly people who ruin their lives having children.

Solalux,
I'm so glad you to hear that you are adjusting as well as can be it sounds. I know there are still things you're wanting to get better, but you sound like the type of person that makes the best of whatever situation you're in, so I'm certain things will only continue to get even better. I'm so happy to hear as well how strong your relationship with your husband is and how much you adore your little boy. I admire your courage and strength.

Solalux, Now that time has passed and you love your son so much, if you had the chance to go back in time and do it over again, would you? You said "If I had not had a child, I would have been questioning and torturing my self till the end of my days." Would living like that have been worse than what you have gone through (by having a child) so far? In other words, is having a child and getting used to parenthood possibly better than going your whole life wondering - what if?

Good question, posh.

Poshmog, that is a very hard question, and pretty much impossible to answer because the "what ifs" have no real answer. In my case, having a child has been possibly better on the long run. I saved my relationship and I got to know myself better: actually, I have learned that I REALLY did not want a child, and that is/was OK: back then I thought something must have been very wrong with me. I had really toyed with the idea of going to therapy to overcome my rejection!!! I also have a very supportive environment (emotionally and economically). Nobody (family/in laws/ close friends) judged me for having a hard time (I don't mean they understood), nobody pressures me into giving him a little brother and sister, so once the wounds are healed, and the baby becomes a child, I don't know what to say. Maybe having a child is better, as you put it. But on the other hand, with what I know now, I don't know if I could have plucked up the courage.

Reading all of these comments is very helpful. There are so many of us out there and we are all so similar and going through such a similar dilemma. I don't think most people have any idea how many people honestly feel this way bc noone talks about it. I feel like oprah should do a show on this topic before she retires the show since it is so impt to women. Interesting question posed by posh. I wonder that too and wonder if i dont' will i question and torture myself forever and in my old age wish i had children, grandchildren, or flipside if i do have them will i feel like solalux or worse. ugh.

I'm almost 43 and although I would never want to turn my life all around by having a baby now (not to mention all the risks involved at my age), I think I would have had the one or two kids in my early 30's had my husband been more responsible back then. I can't lie and say that I didn't have a few maternal urges, but I don't think I was 100% ready by any means in my 30's anyway. Honestly, a tiny part of me does regret that I didn't have the family, but when I look today at my sometimes unstable mental and emotional health, my quiet lifestyle, and my poor financial situation, I am glad I don't have kids to raise. More importantly, I think I would lose a big part of myself in dedicating so much time to child rearing. I just don't want to give up what keeps me grounded. I have two nephews, 6 and 11 yrs old. I am really close to the 11 yr old. I was there for his birth and that was a special experience I am so glad I had. At this point being an aunt is enough for me.