BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids When it is too late, it gets worse

And I also have to say thank you Solalux for bringing up this subject. Actually this whole forum has been VERY eye opening. No one ever asked me to have a baby or said that I should, but I had two any way despite the fact that I really against the idea on every level--pregnancy, delivery and raising...none of it was appealing, but I did it anyway...

I've been writing about general life coaching principles for years, but I think I just found my audience..."the accidental parent..."

Leah, I think you will find a very needing and grateful audience there. And I'm not just talking about teenagers.

My daughter was not planned. She came along during a time of grief over a suicide in my family. I was on birth control, but taking antibiotics, and in my grief miscalculated the "safe" days for sex. (Plus just really needed the touch of my husband at that time).

It took almost losing her to really appreciate her.

Your exeriences and compassion will help many people.

Your story is truly heartbreaking; I can sense so much sadness; I pick up on that energy just reading your post. I really hope that things will become better for you as the years go by and that regardless of what has happened, you will have a beautiful, meaningful, and happy life. All of the best to you; I really hope that all goes well for you.

Jeepers Leah, just read your post there (I know it was ages ago), but I couldn't believe it - I have never heard of/read/talked to anyone that was in same situation as myself - until today. It was uncanny the words you used and the descriptions of your upbringing - you could have been writing about me - and I really didn't think there was anyone else out there like that!! Every other childfree person seems to be holding against a wave of baby pushers - but not me! Parents always wanted me to study work hard and get ahead in life. Since I got married 2 years ago, they have never mentioned the possiblity of me having children (I think it's in case they mention it, I might start thinking about it!). Everytime my mum's friends have a grandchild, she wont mention it to me (I find out usually by accident), none of my siblings had children (this has never been discussed) and hubby and I have never talked about it save for a 30 second very awkward conversation in the car about a year ago (we are both mid thirties and have been dating since i was 16 - you would think we could talk about this!!!). So I feel that I'm in the middle of a hush hush society and have never been able to comfortably talk to anyone about having/not having children. I only have one friend who had a baby, have seen the child a few times, but have had to "put on" cooing and ahhing - as I dont know what to say to it or her! I hope I'm saying things she wants to hear! I've never had an interest in children (I'm not one of these people who "adore" their nieces,e tc, but I'm afraid that that's my mother's (very strong) influence on me and I dont know how to work out if its for me or not - if I talk to someone with children - I dont trust them to tell the truth!!! Any thoughts?

Well, NancyDrew, my feeling is that if you liked and wanted kids you'd like them regardless. When I was a kid/teenager I ADORED science fiction and horses. My mother thought SciFi was 'wierd' - couldn't talk to her about it at all without getting teased about it, and horses? Forget it. She had NO interest. However, that didn't stop me from still loving both to this day. So, to answer your question, my personal feeling is that if you wanted to be a mother, that would be something you would want for yourself regardless of your mother's influence, and if holding a friend's child did nothing for you, then maybe that's a huge sign indicating the answer.

I'm sorry for your situation, Solalux and all the women who feel as you do. The more I read these posts (haven't read 'em all yet) the more scared I am of having children. One thing I don't get is how some are able to be in a relationship so long and not discuss children. It baffles me to no end. I'm a very, VERY open person. I discussed everything with my hubby before we married and still do to this day. Even those crazy hypothetical discussions that just bug him to death lol. I would be scared to go into a relationship and not know what my partner was thinking or planning without me. I think it's important for those who are in a relationship to remember to have these sort of discussions before entering marriage. It's sure to affect your life/relationship at some point. I don't know how I would feel if I were pregnant. Sometimes I think I'd be somewhat happy. Look forward to the small things. Like reading him/her stories, those moments when he/she makes you laugh, graduating school, birthday parties, etc. But then I think of the negatives. Illnesses, responsibilities, tantrums, strain on my marriage, so on and so on. I think I would consider abortion which goes against every moral fiber of my being. I don't know if I would have to courage to abort my baby. I think I would love it too much. I also don't know if my in laws or my own mother would ever speak to me again if I made that choice. Then to deal with the guilt in my heart... :S One question for the mothers who wanted to remain child free, was abortion ever an option for you and if so, why did you choose not to go through with it?

[quote=Solalux]I never wanted to have children. Ever. it was the only thing I was sure about in my life. I was, as far back as I can remember disgusted by the thought of pregnancy and birth. And that was never a problem for me, except when friends started to get pregnant and I had to fake to be happy for them. The fact that my interest in children was non existent made me really hard to understand why they were willingly going through such an ordeal. ..... Neither my psychiatrist nor my psychologist have found a group of people with a similar problem. This forum is the closest thing, but then, childfree people could go: your problem for doing something you didn't want. I am just an example of how much pressure a woman has to take. I refuse to believe I am the only woman who didn't want to have a child but caved in. But maybe I am the only one with regrets!!! [/quote] Solalux, you can't imagine how well I understand you. I'm 26 and I have no children. never in my life have I ever EVER wanted, or even thought of having children. I know that I never will, althogh some people enjoy telling me "never say NEVER...and you'll change your mind" - ever since I was 10 - same like you. Now my friends - smart, beautiful, educated women...start getting pregnant and bearing children. And don't know how to hide my attitude to what they become. No need to tell what I mean, I hope...the picture is sad. Having a child or not is a free choice and I'm a free - minded person. But this kind of...makes me feel lonely. I have never been alone in my life - never felt like that. I don't feel like having a "gap", an emptiness in my life, that needs to be filled...with a child! But I miss my friends - that's true. I feel them lost - and they are lost - to me! Because after bearing children, no woman is the same anymore. And you either go with the stream - like all others do...or you stay outside...as an ousider. And that's what I am. I'm a free - minded, happy outsider in a society of unhappy - always complaining, overburdened, dependent and depressed parents. Yes - I'm happy - i don't complain - like all people in my country do. Even when I feel bad, I say to myself "It can always be worse - I could have had children!... :easter:" But i don't feel happy seing other people's misfortune. Knowing the reason for it. And knowing, that these same people would be those, who would blame me and comment behind my back on my private life in a year or two... This is the first place ever I found, where ther are people like me. It doesn't matter to me, from which country, race or religion you are...what your sexual orientation is, marital, social and other status... It feels much better not being the only one, thinking like this in this world!:) Don't you think? :)

Hi KarenMR, thanks for your views - i suppose my comments when seen in isolation look a bit one sided, but there is more to my (and I'm sure everyone's) story than can be written here -but your right, i didn't feel anything when I held her baby and I'd go so far as to say - I havent a clue what other people actually do feel at times like that - not a notion! But it is good to talk, as Aquarius said, there's not many of us around.

I had to ask a friend once: what does "klucky" feel like, because we are told you get Klucky when you see someone elses baby... but I didn't think what I was feeling was what they referred to. Because it didn't seem to result in the same thought processes.

Andso? ~ Trust me, I have never felt 'klucky', but I think it refers to a hen sitting on her chicks and protecting them with her life. YUK!

Ya, 'they' seem to have a different thought process.....WHATEVER.

cp