BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids When it is too late, it gets worse

Lol, Klucky? I've never heard that term but that's hilarious. It's sad that women like us are told how to feel. I don't feel "klucky" when I see kids but I do enjoy children. I just enjoy it more when I'm able to hand them back to their mothers at the end of the day ;)

i had a baby last year and think about killing myself everyday. not meant to be a mother and can't turn it back. yes i suffer from depression and psychosis - sold my home, lost my mom, had a baby, broke up with the father. all i can do now is work and send in checks for daycare. what an awful way to live... i know my poor daughter will grow up without a mother. fortunately i have a sister that is stepping in to help

Omg Madness, I'm so sorry. Are you getting any help at all? Counseling, family programs, that sort of thing? I hope your stress eases. Be strong and try your best to remain positive. Being clinically depressed, I know how hard that can be but it helps to try. I wish you all the best. We're all here to hear you out if you need us.

Madness, I am so sorry to hear of the awful time you are having. It's great that your sister is there to help you - are you getting proper support from a doctor as well?

Many warm hugs to you. Please don't feel you are alone - keep reaching out to us here.

Madness ~ I'm so very sorry for what you are going through. Please vent all you want on here. We will listen and give all the support we can.

Are you on medication for depression ? Please see a doctor and tell him exactly what you have told us. There are good meds available, and they work wonders. Help is available.

I'm wishing you the very best. Keep us posted. We want to help.
Take care.

cp

Solalux,
I haven't read through all of these posts but just wanted to say that you are definitely not the only mom who wishes she wasn't a mom. In my early 20s, I met two adorable, older ladies, both of whom had 4 or 5 grown kids each, and they both wished they hadn't had any (unfortunately, they got married very young, were in abusive relationships, and were "expected" to have children).

I also have a good friend who has met several young mothers who, feeling comfortable with my friend, have revealed that had they known how hard it would be, they wouldn't do it again. I also know of other moms of grown children who say they'd be just fine had they never had them.

I know there are plenty of unhappy moms out there that are "faking" being happy, so don't feel as though you're the only one.

I think you are very courageous and brave for choosing to be a mom, and I admire the love you have for your husband. It must be very deep... the kind of love most people can only dream of. If the cost of that kind of love meant having a child, I would say it was worth it, and I'm glad you commented somewhere that you are able to be happy most of the time and that despite not enjoying being a mother, you love your son. I'm sure the love for your son will only grow stronger, especially the older he gets.

You say you're afraid of sex now, and that really concerns me. If your husband is happy with just one child, perhaps he would consider a vasectomy? You had your little boy "for" your husband, and I would hate that to be in vain were you two to grow apart. I know there's more to a relationship than sex, but it's certainly an important part.

Also, if parenting is putting a strain on your marriage, might I suggest a weekly date night? Time and time again, I have heard how doing this one thing can greatly repair a marriage that has been strained by children. It's so important to still have that time together.

Amen to all that DifferentKindOfGirl wrote. Solalux and Madness, I really feel for you both and hope that things get better for you. Solalux, thank you for your very honest, moving post. It really confirms how I've already felt about wanting to stay CF and not to be so quick to buy into what others may say. You are so right about how often you hear people telling you how wonderful motherhood is, "you'll change your mind," "It's different when they're your own," when many of us would indeed not feel that way. I know for a fact that you are not the only parent out there who feels this way because I've heard them admit IRL that it's not always all it's cracked up to be. I suspect many more are afraid to say anything negative. I really admire your courage.

Thank you everybody for your posts. It has been eight months since I wrote that post and I have come a long way. I am feeling a lot better now. I still have occasional breakdowns when somebody asks (and it happens way too often) when a little brother or sister comes. Or when somebody in my environment gets pregnant, especially if it is not for the first time. (I mean, you can do it once out of ignorance, but then again???), or when I see someone breastfeeding, which makes me hate my body. But those episodes have become few and far between.

My relationship with my son is healthy and beautiful. He is 2 years 4 months old, very sweet, very smart and well behaved (for his age) I can honestly tell that I am totally in love with him.

My relationship with my husband has remained strong and we love each other despite all I/we went through. My husbands honestly thought that, because I am a nice loving person, I would love to have a child, at least eventually. He also thought, that birth couldn't be so terrible because everybody does it and I was going to have my epidural. He really really did not believe that I could go off sex, because I was always horny before. But he was wrong and, although he has always been the one trying to cheer me up and keep me optimist, I know he has suffered with guilt. He also bought all the cliches (basically that EVERYBODY is meant to have children), I cannot blame him, I was the one not wanting children and so much pressure was making me doubt my own feelings.

Periewinkle: you are right, people suffer a lot and won't tell you. I know now that I am not the only one. I know that a lot of those postpartum depressions out there have a lot to do with disappointment in a baby who cannot live up to the expectations, and in oneself for not being ecstatic with love and overjoyed, but cranky and in pain.

Thank you DifferentKindofGirl for your sweet post. My DH and I do a lot of things together, we send our son early to bed and we have quiet evenings with candles and wine almost everyday, we go out whenever we can, we even had a couple of weekend getaways. My issues with sex have nothing to do with fear though. I just lost my interest 100% after birth. I felt ridiculous having sex, it was like my sexual organs had nothing to do with fun, just with reproduction. This is also getting better, thank God, but it is not like before yet, and it may never be. You are right about the love we share. It is something special. If we had broken up over the baby thing, I doubt I would have found somebody quite so good again. I am not a serial monogamist, lol

I must say, I make a totally happy picture when I am with son, I even can honestly say, I am a reasonably good mother. But if somebody asks me, I will be as honest as ever. I will never be caught telling CFs how worthy it has been, even if in my personal case, it has been so in the long term: I saved my relationship, got to know myself better and know who I really am. If I had not had a child, I would have been questioning and torturing my self till the end of my days. But as you guys can see, all the reasons that made it worthy have nothing to do with children. I still find them too much work, I miss sleeping in at weekends, I miss the freedom, and, if I had found somebody like me, I would have turned 50 making fun at the silly people who ruin their lives having children.

Solalux,
I'm so glad you to hear that you are adjusting as well as can be it sounds. I know there are still things you're wanting to get better, but you sound like the type of person that makes the best of whatever situation you're in, so I'm certain things will only continue to get even better. I'm so happy to hear as well how strong your relationship with your husband is and how much you adore your little boy. I admire your courage and strength.

Solalux, Now that time has passed and you love your son so much, if you had the chance to go back in time and do it over again, would you? You said "If I had not had a child, I would have been questioning and torturing my self till the end of my days." Would living like that have been worse than what you have gone through (by having a child) so far? In other words, is having a child and getting used to parenthood possibly better than going your whole life wondering - what if?