I am having a frustrating week. I think I just need to vent and I will feel better!

About 6 or 7 months ago I wrote about how everyone around me seemed to be getting pregnant. Neighbor, SIL, other SIL, friend of Husband, etc. I was having feelings of frustration because I did not want one and I felt left out (stupid I know).

After a few months I got my head back together.

Well now all of the babies are coming. And my frustration is back again BIG TIME.

This past friday, the neighbor came over with the new baby. As I have mentioned, I am clueless as to what to do with a kid under 12. It is like there is a part of my brain missing. I look at the baby and am like, huh? So, I did what I thought I was supposed to do, which was play with the stuffed toys on his stroller. He starting to get fussy. Neighbor said she thought I was overstimulating him....

Last thursday, SIL had the baby. I am trying to be enthusiastic. I try to respond with joy that the baby has my brother's lip...but what occurs to me is why did they not adopt?

Then I get the 70 pics they took and see the happy grandparents holding the baby and of course I WANT THAT TOO!!

And I am reminded that no matter what I do it will never be as "special" to my family as having a kid.

I had to book a trip this weekend for FIL's retirement party. He lives in the same city as brother and new baby. I will see my brother of course and attend the party...where other SIL will be with her baby and husband's friend will be with his baby. I seriously don't know what to do around babies and the idea of being surrounded by them sets me into a panic.

And I am fighting the whole society BS that I am not as important because I am not a mother. I hate that [censored]. I think I have conquered it and BAM!! a relapse. This makes me angry.

I realize that this will sound ridiculous, but I will just say it. I have this image of being at this retirement party surrounded by all of these new moms who have not dropped all of their pregnancy weight. And they are standing together looking at me, with self-satisfied looks, going, "Yeah, she's thin, but we had babies"...."we are so important"....

Another weird thing...I have had a lot of adventure. I was lucky in my early 20's to be unwilling to bow to pressure of who I "should" be and was what I wanted to be. Maybe I am just in a slump, but I cannot think of any traveling that I want to do. I think of all the people that have kids and have had no adventure and think, yeesh, why can't I just want to do it? I have gotten all the adventure out of me!!"

I know I am being dramatic. I will probably feel better just writing about all of this

Thank you for listening!!

Hi Chaco

I am having a relapse too today, so I can totally relate. I think my relapses are a little hormonal (related to my cycle).

My relapse is caused by friends of ours who have just had a baby (having met each other two years ago and married - second marriage for both of them) and - horror of horrors - have set up a "family blog".

At first I was just simply grossed out by the blog. They started it the week before the baby was born and showed a photo of the baby in the womb (you can get that now). Then we had the "he's been born" entry, and now a third entry with pics of his daughter from his first marriage, aged 8, lying beside the baby, looking poignantly at it, and a whole lot of stuff about how it feels, how complete they are now, how beautiful the baby is etc. Then all this excruciating detail. Sample text (I have changed the names):

*****************

Tuesday: we fed, we burped, we cuddled, (repeat) we stressed enough about his early morning crying that we popped down to the 24hr medical centre to make sure he was not sick. The very kind and understanding doctor as good as told us that J was fine and just winding us up. We got two 3hr blocks of sleep during the night (okay, the morning actually).

Wednesday: we fed, we burped, we cuddled, etc and chalked up 8hrs of sleep (6hrs before the feed, 2hrs afterwards).

Thursday: we fed, we burped, we cuddled, etc. We seem to be learning more about his daily ups and down and are being a bit more systematic with the feeding routine, having been told that establishing a 3hr rota will help him to sleep longer through the night. Self-serving I know. So sue us! We also visited the medical centre again to have them check T's c-section wound, which has been rather painful in the last day. No infection, just inflammation because of a small overlap of skin in the suturing. Another 8hrs of sleep!

Friday: we fed, we burped, we cuddled, etc. K, our lovely midwife visited and was very happy with both T and J. His weight has dropped from 3.54 to 3.30kg, which is quite normal, but K predicts confidently that he will be back up to 3.5kg by the end of next week. We met M (his daughter) at school this afternoon and were swarmed by her classmates who no doubt had been regaled all week about how lovely her little brother is. We can't but agree.

*****************


They haven't asked if we WANT this blog - they have just sent it to us. I presume T's best friend who is single, coming up to 40 and desperate to have kids is having to endure this too. I have to add that there is religious stuff in the blog too, eg:

"We are grateful to God for being with us all through the long day and night leading up to his birth. His strength made every worry smaller and every challenge more manageable."

Anyway, dammit if I didn't start feeling a little pang when I saw the lovely pics of the 8-year-old with the baby brother. I had that old "left out" and "is my life shallow and meaningless?" feeling. I am trying to get to the bottom of this and I think it is the same feeling you are having. It's that huge joy and focus that accompanies a birth and that feeling of looking at a baby and knowling it is a product of you and your DH. It is those kodak moments again. Never mind that I have been headhunted for a senior job this last week that is evidence of the years and years I have devoted to my arts career.

Anyway, I am recognising this moment for what it is, and I am hoping you guys will also be grossed out by the blog and boost me up! I keep reminding myself that in 10 - 15 years those two kids will be difficult teenagers.

Hmmm, how about I write a blog about how well my career's going at the moment (in every little detail) and send it to all my friends including those who are feeling lousy about their jobs or are unemployed at the moment. That would have the same degree of sensitivity.

Hmmmm, I too feel better already and back to my sensible self.

FeeBee

I am jealous of one of my coworkers who is pregnant, and she is taking six months off to prepare for baby, and take care of baby. I wish *I* could take six months off, but I don't want to have a baby to do it! LOL!

I was looking at her baby gift registry last night online, and feeling completely lost. I don't know what half that stuff is for! I was thinking of getting her this round changing pad I saw on Oprah, but she didn't register for it, so would I be committing a faux pas if I got it for her? It's kinda pricey too ($30) but it's supposed to be the BEST changing pad. Like I would know? LOL!

She and her husband are building a beautiful huge new house in one of the best school districts in the area, and moving in there with his parents, who are retired. Grandma will take care of the baby when parents are working. They are definitely planners!

Cindy

Oh...my...Lord. That level of detail is needed in a neurosurgeon's textbook, NOT in sharing baby moments. I realize they're proud of their spawnage (and that I'd feel differently if it were my own, and that I'll probably change my mind, and if only I had the right guy, and I'm missing out and...BINGO!). But in the name of all that is holy, I'd rather GET a life than MAKE another one I have to do all that burping stuff with.

This is my favorite part:



OMG. Self-serving. So that they can get some kind of sleep and teach the baby a routine. God forbid.

I also liked the part about the skin overlap.

That is a great idea! Or how about a CF blog?

Monday: Went to the library. Surfed the internet. Ate, read, played with the dogs. Went to work. Signed up for 5K. Considered signing up for salsa again. Went running for an hour. Watched TV for a half hour. Read again. Went to sleep.

Tuesday: Woke up late. Walked around in nightgown for an hour. Went to TurboKick. Worked on freelance project. Went to library. Ate, read, played with the dogs. Leisurely weeded the garden. Read some more. Made pudding. Chatted on phone with friend. Self-serving, I know! So sue me. Made dinner, played with dogs, surfed internet. Will probably read and watch TV. May get daring and play a video game.

Wednesday: Will probably take dogs for a walk. Will go to work. Come home when I feel like it. Work on freelance project. Eat, read, play with dogs. Make dinner. Watch TV. Maybe have sex, possibly on the kitchen floor.

Now, that's just me. I'm sure someone more interesting would have things like going out to dinner, going for a long bike ride, buying shoes, staying up til 3 in the morning, traveling, etc.

I'm going to write a blog describing how much I burp and slept. It will be awesome.

*snicker*

Ok, I guess I'm in a mood today, LOL!

Chaco, first off, you're not stupid for feeling the way you do. I sometimes get a twinge when I see friends kids and wonder what is wrong with me. Why am I so anti-kid? But then I have to turn that negativity into what is positive about me- how good I am with animals, how much I enjoy conversations about art, books, movies, etc., how much I want to travel the world and ride different horses and continue to evolve my passions. To me, it would be like turning a switch off to all my dreams if I had a child.

I like buying baby stuff for other people, but that's where I draw the line. I don't mind other people's joy, just as long as they "keep it off my wave." In other words, don't make me feel like I'm not whole for having a child.

Anyway, I'm really focus on building my career and investing in a Tennessee Walking Horse. I'd rather be out on the trails every weekend than stuck at home burping a baby.

Lord, I forgot to respond to Chaco! I'm sorry.

I just wanted to say that I hope everything gets better. You don't have to feel like you're not good enough. Although, I know the feeling. I know what you mean you say you feel left out. I just hope that you are able to feel better about everything. I know I'm not looking forward to SIL having her kid, and you're dealing with it right now, so I really feel for you.

Cheer up! We love you!

My relapse happened this weekend.

My dr. retired. So I went to my sister's doctor. Mom wanted a reference as she and I had the same original dr. I was sharing about how the appointment was with my mom and sister. I mentioned that she seemed well connected in the medical community and had lots of references. As an example, I (STUPIDLY) mentioned that as we were talking about method of birth control (I filled in 'infertility' in method space), she asked where I was with that whole thing. Told her I was fine, DH and I have spent years discussing and have arrived comfortably at the place where child-free is good for us. Door isn't closed, but we're at peace with where we are. She said ok, but if you ever want to see a counselor, I have a good one. I told her no thanks. She moved on. I was grateful.

In recounting this story, mom and sister jumped on 'seeing a counselor would be a really good idea for you guys'.

I have a great, solid relationship with my husband. We've been sad, but not sad enough to cross over to the childed side. We are good communicators, and have worked really hard to make sure we are on the same page. We talked about seeing a counselor, but decided not to because we both felt we'd been honest and open in exploring all of the options.

But - having mom and sister say we should see a counselor put me over the edge. Defensively, I told them we have a decision, we're happy with it, end of story and I told my mom about what else I liked about the dr. The subject didn't come up again.

I've been stewing for days. DH said 'they just want a counselor to convince us to find a way to have kids, but it's our decision and we're happy with it'. What a guy! But why do I feel so guilty?

Ah, the social programming kicks in again. Assimilate or die, poor childfree schmucks. Hang in there, Chaco. In two years they'll all be toddlers and their parents will be telling you how exhausted they are and how much they envy you.

This is all so much more interesting than studying :-)

It is so nice to be among others who relate Thank you for responding and for understanding!

Feebeegeebee, congratulations on your awesome career. I would really love it if I got sent a blog about a friend's work. Most of the time I have no idea what is going on my my friends professionally, yet know all about the kids. I want to say "Tell me about YOU!!". I hope I don't get sent a blog like that...that is really terrible. Of course the blog will be completely dropped once the kid starts to create trouble. We will not hear about Little Bobby writing on the walls with crayons....or how he stole an item from a local store...I have been sent baby blogs. The most recent involved the DELIVERY of all things, which I did not want to hear about. It was blow by blow...and apparently mom was in pain. The blog notes how husband reminded mom about how they really wanted a natural child birth and that he talked her out of getting drugs to alleviate the pain. It just found that odd to e-mail to everyone....btw, I do think these things are related to my cycle too. I have definately discovered a pattern. I relate it to my body telling me, "you are in your thirties! you are running out of time! procreate! do it now, before it is too late!!"

Cindy, I have no idea about purchasing baby items. I just messed this up myself! Instead of going to the register for my brother's baby, I got a build a bear with a baseball uniform on it, representing the favorite team of my brother and I from our youth. I have not received a thank you note, e-mail, call...so my guess is that was a bad purchase? I understand about the jealousy regarding time off. I remember a few years back a friend got pregant and I thought, "wow, she will have three months out of this place!" I was incredibly envious. There seems to be no way to take three months off of work unless you have a baby. I would pledge loyalty to a company that would offer me a month off for my dream cross country road trip...or to walk the Pacific Coast trail...

lngilbert, I love your proposed CF blog and your "self serving" incorporation. I always want to do parody's of things like that. For example, my husband and I want to send out holiday newsletters discussing our cats. "Both cats have been venturing outside under our supervision. They love it! Briscoe typically stays close to the door. But not Z! He is quite the explorer! He chases butterflies, birds, you name it. His energy is exhausting...but you know young cats! The good news is that hopefully I will have some good advice when your SIL's kid comes. So far I know to avoid build a bear....:)

LastingOne, I agree with your comment about not making me feel like I am not whole for having a child. That was the thought I had in mind with my vision of all of those new moms looking at me that I mentioned above. I would love to give people the benefit of the doubt, but so few moms have been supportive of my feelings that it is hard to do so. If 95 percent of the people I met said, "hey CF, that's cool", than great. But it is the opposite. So I am cynical.

Ducky, it is so funny, we should not have to feel guilty. Why don't people feel guilty for NOT adopting a child that is here but having one of their own? It is frustrating that the "choice" has essentially been made for you...but you still have to deal with people thinking you should do more. And why do people think they know us better than we know ourselves? Your husband sounds like a great guy and the new doctor seems cool too.

Ahh, it is so good to vent

I definately understand where you're coming from. I'm happily engaged and working on my masters degree. At the age of 23 my family and friends are already asking me when I plan on having children.

My best friend is married with two small children, and can't imagine why I'm not anxious to start a family with my fiance. My mother doesn't see how I can imagine my life without children. I love children, I just don't want any of my own. Everyone keeps telling me I'll change my mind, but they're not making parenthood look so appealing. My family and friends complain to me about how tired they are and how expensive children are, then they look at me with disbelief when I tell them I don't plan on becoming a mother.

The reality is, most mothers I know became pregnant for the first time by accident. They assume I'm less nurturing beacuse I know how to properly use birth control.

Motherhood does not validate a woman.

Lady T that is so true! It does seem like most people I know got pregnant for the first time unintentionally!

Welcome to the board

I need a moment to vent please...hmmm does it ever end? Why is it that no matter what you accomplish as a childfree person there will still be that friend that thinks you're "less than whole" because you don't have children? That you will then wake up each day just waiting to read their boring family blogs about burps and feedings... like you can't think of something/ANYTHING more exciting to do with your time

My husband and have done the miscarriages and infertility thing... yes we were sad ~ it felt like the world came crashing down us. We instantly considered adoption but then God said, "Breathe for a moment" and so I/we did. After that bit of oxygen I started to realize I was conforming to the "dream of mommyhood", but that it wasn't for me. I love me, I love us and I'm crazy about our insane dogs ~ no children required thank you very much. We ARE complete. I've got nephews who are terrific and tons of fun ~ I'm not a kid hater. I just like giving the kids back after a while and then being free to do whatever I want ~ or for that matter doing nothing at all.

Eventually, I decided to work part-time (instead of the 60 + hours per week that I'd done in the past) and the mommies around me were like "what no children and you're at home ~ must be nice". Their snobbish behavior was sickening and so yet again I felt pushed aside from society. Either you have kids and get to be at home more often and have scheduling flexibility or you work yourself into an early grave ~ besides what else do you have to do with all of that free time of yours? I agree with the other posts that maybe if our careers were more accomodating like say...the 6 weeks off "maternity leave" to travel rather than for just popping out another kid, then maybe I wouldn't have started burning out in the first place! Why is that only people with children get these perks?

Eventually, I decided to work part-time (instead of the 60 + hours per week that I'd done in the past) and the mommies around me were like "what no children and you're at home ~ must be nice". Their snobbish behavior was sickening and so yet again I felt pushed aside from society. Either you have kids and get to be at home more often and have scheduling flexibility or you work yourself into an early grave ~ besides what else do you have to do with all of that free time of yours?

I've been working part time for the last five years because the pain in my bad knee won't allow more. But for about the last 3, my limp has only been visible on really bad days or when I'm very tired. So most people have to be told why I don't work 50+ hour weeks like I used to. (People can't always see pain, so they assume it isn't there. They think it only hurts on the scattered few limping days.)

Conversations with coworkers have revealed that some people assumed I was on a part time schedule because I had kids at home. Geez, people! I'm only 26! (Not to mention the fact that if they knew anything about me beyond my work abilities, they would know the idea was laughable!)

I just want to prop my leg up, pet my cat, and enjoy the silence! How much restful sitting time would I get with a curtain climber in the house?

Ingilbert, I am snorting here!!!!!!!! This is a classic!

"Thursday: we fed, we burped, we cuddled, etc. We seem to be learning more about his daily ups and down and are being a bit more systematic with the feeding routine, having been told that establishing a 3hr rota will help him to sleep longer through the night. Self-serving I know. So sue us! We also visited the medical centre again to have them check T's c-section wound, which has been rather painful in the last day. No infection, just inflammation because of a small overlap of skin in the suturing. Another 8hrs of sleep!"

Do we really need to know about your skin inflammation on top of the dreadful bodily functions of the baby. Disgusting...I feel for you.

I love the idea of the CF blog, can you see the look on their faces when they read about you and DH having sex on the kitchen floor..sleeping until noon and staying out until 2am dancing at a club. Classic.

I, too, enjoyed Ingilbert's CF blog. I'll give it a stab:

Saturday: Slept in til 8:30. Indulged in making eggs, English muffin and bacon. Dashed to the tennis court to play with Mel, Jen and Tania. We seem to be learning more about mojitos and margaritas making for good combinations with quesadillas on the patio. Alas, no burping. My shower was interrupted by the boyfriend - self serving, I know - and a quick call for pizza made for the perfect movie-watching carpet party in the TV room. A tickle fight ensued followed by a couple of back rubs and drifting off into a peaceful dreamland. On the schedule for Sunday: More tennis, a pedicure, finishing my book with some Pinot Grigio.

I love this!
Monday: Went to the gym for two hours. Came home and cuddled up inside due to the rain. Finished one book and started another. Went for a nice long walk with DH after running errands together. Made dinner together and enjoyed a bottle of blueberry wine. Played a heated game of Scrabble, made out and went to bed. Boring, but peaceful!

This will be my blog for Sunday :

"Awake from long peaceful sleep at 7:30. Cuddle with cats for a few minutes. Get up, have long relaxing shower, jump into car to pick up friend to hike. Stop for breakfast at Nellie's with hippies and artists - no children in sight. Long drive to Canmore through gorgeous scenery, enjoying invigorating conversation without any interruptions from back seat (dogs are very well behaved). Enjoy fabulous hike in the backcountry, taking in sounds of silence and wonderful fall tree colours - self serving, I know! Stop in Canmore for dinner and wine tasting at Quarry, before quiet drive home without regard for childrens bedtimes".

I'm sure I could manage to burp a few times if I drank some Coke...

These are so fun! And I had to laugh out loud at this one --

"My shower was interrupted by the boyfriend - self serving, I know"

I love this AngelaP...these are great!

Hi Chaco:

I am having the same feelings this week. One of the pregnant ladies came in, and my boss admitted after she left that he regrets never having children. Then he tells me that I will regret it when I am his age - late fifties. That set me off into an angry depression.
This past weekend, I read an article on Halle Berry's pregancy, and she stated that the most important thing a women can do is be a mother. There was also an article on Eva Longoria, who said that children are going to be in her near future, and used the same statement.
My cousins just had babies and another is due this week. I have a cousin who can't have a baby since she is recovering from breast cancer. Some of the family is looking at me as if I am wasting healthy eggs & uterus, that I should take advantage of my ability to have a child.
I took my mom to get an X-ray, and the receptionist had her great-grandson's picture posting - she is a great-grandma at 60; my mom said she is 67 and not even a grandmother....

It hurts.

I can't believe an award winning actress thinks the most important thing she can do is be a mother. She's around incredible talent every day, and she can't see how there are lots of fulfilling things for people to do with their lives that don't involve children? I guess even award winning actresses aren't immune to the culture, though. And besides, if Eva or Halle decide they don't like parenting, they can always pawn their kids off on a nanny, or put them in an expensive boarding school. They don't run the same risks as average people, wondering what they will do if their spouse is the breadwinner and he passes away, leaves, etc. And I'm sure if they had a child with special needs, they wouldn't have the same experience as a middle class couple. They could get their kid into a program, school or home.

I'm sorry your Mom made that comment. I've been thinking about comparisons a lot lately, and competition. It seems like we never have the full picture about someone else's life. Yes, they might have a grandson, new car, house at the beach, etc. But it's useless to compare ourselves to other people because people want different things, have different priorities etc. I hope your Mom realizes that she has a lot in you, and that grandkids are a mixed bag. They can be a blast, and also a pain in the @ss.

BillieCat and others:

Everyone knows that I am steadfastly CF around here, and that I know that I don't want my own kids for my own sanity's sake.

I feel the guilt, too.

It is the unspoken topic when I talk to my parents.

It is the unspoken knowledge that I am the only child-free married adult at my work place's department.

I officially hit 40 (Well, I did back at the beginning of August) but my birthday celebration at my parent's house was a few days ago.

I feel it in the air, I feel it in the water -- it is everywhere.

Society's programming has done it's work on me.

I won't give in. I can't give in. I know I will just screw a lot of people's lives if I were to give in, including an innocent person's.

Sometimes being right for yourself hurts, but it is best for everyone involved.

Personally, I think it's very dangerous to play the regrets game. Without the ability to live through the myriad of avenues open to us, who is to say that our choices are not the best we could have made? Your boss may regret his decision, but there is no guarantee that, had he had children, he would not be regretting that particular choice. It's easy to wish you had done something differently if the only picture of that alternative is a hypothetical, idealised one - but reality is more complicated and impossible to predict. In the absence of a crystal ball, trusting one's instincts seems the safest option.

On the subject of Halle Berry et al extolling motherhood above all else: how sad that modern women, with our historically unprecedented emancipation, are apparently still little more than walking uteri. Grrr....the whole thing makes me quite angry.

The other thing is, Hollywood isn't really known for it's depth. I know there are some celebrities, like Robert Redford and Paul Newman, that are socially active and seem like decent people. But I'm sure a lot of actors/actresses follow the script just like everyone else. I don't think they are sitting around pondering women's rights, gender roles etc. in any great depth. Just b/c they have kids doesn't mean they are good parents. Look at Britney Spears. And some of the kids that have two celeb parents - you have to wonder if they are little more than status symbols. "This is my child from my marriage to Bruce Willis, darling."

As far as regret goes - this is guy is really presumptuous to tell you what you will or won't regret. I had someone tell me that years ago when I proclaimed that I wasn't having kids. I was in my late 20s, and my coworker was in his 50s maybe. He said it's something that is really meaningful to women, and I will regret it. He didn't know me well at all, and he didn't know what he was talking about. I know myself, and I know I won't regret it. I have my sappy moments, and kids can be great at times, but I just can't do it full time. Period. And I don't have a right to regret something that I consciously chose not to pursue.

To: Happytobechildfree, Duane, & Manatee:

You all said everything that really needed to be said. And about Halle's statement - I have heard that before from women but I never heard a man say that the most important thing a man can do in his life is to father a child. It would be nice to have more childfree women role models.

And, thank you Duane for sharing those feelings. That guilt and isolation can be tough - and it does get to me some days. As you said, all that really matters is that you stick to your own opinions and don't cave in.
It is very brave to be childfree, and I think it is the best for me - I have to be more thick-skinned and not let this guilt get to me, or have comments make me feel less of a woman.

That's the kicker. That's because men have lives before and after they have kids. It's a little insulting that women are simplified in this way. That people think our needs are this simple, and that having kids is all we need for fulfillment. Yes, nurturing someone can be meaningful, but learning a craft, profession or skill can be just as meaningful. I'm annoyed that people constantly assume we are all the same. We need intellectual stimulation, too, and childrearing can be such a mindnumbing drag. Why should we get stuck with all the thankless, [censored] work? What about being a woman says that we don't like to achieve and be recognized, too?

There's this really great song by Harry Chapin that talks about the differences between the way women and men are raised. I'm pasting the lyrics in, because I think they relate to what we are talking about...

Why Do Little Girls? by Harry Chapin

Why did the little girls grow crooked
While the little boys grow tall
The boys were taught to tumble
The girls told not to fall
The girls answered the telephone
The boys answered the call
That's why little girls grew crooked
While the little boys grew tall

Why did the little girls grow crippled
While the little boys grow strong
The boys allowed to come of age
The girls just came along
The girls were told sing harmonies
The boys could all sing songs
That's why little girls grew crippled
While little boys grew strong

Why did the little girls come broken
While the little boys came whole
The little boys were set aflame
The girls told to fan the coals
The boys all told to be themselves
While the girls were told play the roles
That's why little girls came broken
While little boys came whole

Why were the little girls all frightened
To be just what they are
The boys were told to ask themselves
How high how far
The girls were told to reach the shelves
While the boys were reaching stars
That's why little girls were frightened
To be just what they are

And still they bled for us all
As the moon rode the sky
They carried our seed
When our need ran high
They fed all our children
In the night as they cried
Womankind wept
As mankind died

Why were the little girls left hurtin'
When all the boys were done
And the girls left in the moonlight
When the boys went to meet the sun
And when the girls were open
Why had the little all won?
That's why little girls were hurtin'
When the little boys were done

Why did the little girls grow crooked
While the little boys grew tall
It's maybe because the little boys
Didn't ever have to grow up at all

Incredible insight you have, Manatee:

Maybe, Billie, the man who told you that you'd regret not having children doesn't have much of a life. Maybe he's bored. Maybe he hasn't explored his own abilities to expand his horizons into a craft, a sport, continued education or traveling the world.

I'm quite certain there will be moments in my later life (it must be later, because it sure hasn't happened yet, and I'm 36) when I momentarily lapse into some form of regret for not having a child or children. I could more easily see that happening if by some stroke I fall into some kind of funk where I lose all my friendships, become disenchanted with travel, stop doing for others, break both my legs or lose interest in maintaining an active, healthy lifestyle, etc. But all it will take to lose the regret is thinking for one second about a screaming child, a dropout, how expensive and needy they are, and how much of myself I would have had to sacrifice to raise them well. Then *BAM* back to no regrets.

But all it will take to lose the regret is thinking for one second about a screaming child, a dropout, how expensive and needy they are, and how much of myself I would have had to sacrifice to raise them well. Then *BAM* back to no regrets.

My life may be seen as "boring" from many other people's POV. However, I like it boring -- and that type of "boring" doesn't trigger any child regrets.

What does trigger them, I've noticed, are the times when I travel down to see my parents, who live about 10 minutes away from me. They've told me that they understand about my decision (as this world is a very cruel place now as compared to 40 years ago when I was hatched), and the topic isn't brought up. But I'll tell you that I just get a feeling that if they had a choice, they would have wanted me to have children, to pass the name on. I know this from the many hints that I got from my father as I was growing up.

Since I had been doing some soul-searching, I remembered the "when you have kids", or "you'd make a good father" (said many years before I was as CF, vocally as I am now) comments or seeing the pride that my mother had when the first grandkid came, then the second (all the pictures she had at her work desk) -- and seeing how happy my parents were being grandparents (even though they tired my parents out) -- don't think I didn't put two and two together and now that is on my mind. That is the source of my family-side of guilt.

Work-side, by no means is it oppressive -- by no means. The last bastion of married, no-child people (my co-worker) announced a few weeks ago that after a year of marriage, his wife was pregnant. I'm not worried about it, but deep inside, even though he and I just worked at a professional level relationship, he was still a married man w/o children, along with me. And now, I'm the only one left. Does that make me feel lonely sometimes in the crowd? Yes. Do I deal with it? Yes. Does it bother me that much now? No. As time goes by, I've gotten used to that fact.

As time gets closer for the birth, the parties, the showers, etc, is when I'm going to feel it. This happened a year or so ago, so now I know how they do things like this. I will have to excuse myself from these festivities when they come 'round again.

At least I am prepared this time!

I just Googled "regret having children" and found another blog site with a woman who said something I totally agree with:

"Think about this- would you rather regret having children, and still be stuck with them, or regret not having them, and still be able to do other enjoyable things with your life?"

That's a very good point, Angela. After all, a parent will have experienced life without children, and so will have a good idea of what they've missed out on, whereas a childfree person can only imagine what life with children would have been like.

[quote=FeebeeGeebee)

friends of ours who have just had a baby (having met each other two years ago and married - second marriage for both of them) and - horror of horrors - have set up a "family blog".
Tuesday: we fed, we burped, we cuddled, (repeat) we stressed enough about his early morning crying that we popped down to the 24hr medical centre to make sure he was not sick. The very kind and understanding doctor as good as told us that J was fine and just winding us up. We got two 3hr blocks of sleep during the night (okay, the morning actually).
Wednesday: we fed, we burped, we cuddled, etc and chalked up 8hrs of sleep (6hrs before the feed, 2hrs afterwards).
Thursday: we fed, we burped, we cuddled, etc. We seem to be learning more about his daily ups and down and are being a bit more systematic with the feeding routine, having been told that establishing a 3hr rota will help him to sleep longer through the night. Self-serving I know. So sue us! We also visited the medical centre again to have them check T's c-section wound, which has been rather painful in the last day. No infection, just inflammation because of a small overlap of skin in the suturing. Another 8hrs of sleep!
Friday: we fed, we burped, we cuddled, etc. K, our lovely midwife visited and was very happy with both T and J. His weight has dropped from 3.54 to 3.30kg, which is quite normal, but K predicts confidently that he will be back up to 3.5kg by the end of next week. We met M (his daughter) at school this afternoon and were swarmed by her classmates who no doubt had been regaled all week about how lovely her little brother is. We can't but agree.
(Quote)

I missed this back in September - couldn't believe it...
So, all these years I've been spared baby showers AND baby blogs.
I can't believe people could be so self absorbed that they could possibly think that other people would be interested in this level of detail...
If its easier to use the computer rather than telephone - fine - but surely you'd only send this stuff to VERY interested parties - grandparents perhaps...
FeeBee - Are you still receiving this blog?
I'm afraid I'd be bored by the second life and reach for Delete shortly thereafter.
Sorry...wish them well and all that but I don't need to know how many times their baby burps every day.
I can understand their excitement but just seems a little over the top to me...
Perhaps, I could put one together on my fabulous cats...might be a bit repetitive...
Slept, stretched, yawned, stretched again, ate, slept on the window seat, stretched, yawned, outside for a stroll and the toilet, scratched the fence, chased a foreign cat out of the yard, sleep on the path in the sun, watched a bird..."its asking for trouble", sat on the fence, ate again, washed myself, back to the window seat...
What do you think?

i think it's way over the top! i mean do they think that people even those with kids want to hear every little detail!talk about selfish! it makes me laugh when some parents consider CF people selfish.i think parents like that are very selfish. i think you should do a counterblog detailing every aspect of your day!

indigo

Love it, Deborah!


And I'd love to see other examples from the many "parents" of the wide variety of species we've heard about in here -- rabbits, geese, dogs, Ingilbert's ferret-raccoon things (what are those??)...

My cat's day so far: "Slept in with Mom at the end of the bed, patiently waited for her to get up to feed me, nuzzled Mom and nibbled her arm, finally ate breakfast, got a drink of water out of the toilet, played peek-a-boo behind the door jamb while Mom got dressed, sat down in the living room and stared at the wall, walked over to the glass door for more stimulation, sharpened my non-claws on the edge of a box, went back to the window to look for birdies, contemplating a nice long nap on the back of the couch..."

Ferret-raccoon things...hee hee! Those are sugar-gliders, I think. I don't know much about them but a friend of mine has some.

Here's my dogs' day so far:

Woke up, went outside, pooped. Cody came back inside and went back to bed with Mom. Bentley went with Dad to his room and watch him work out while he gnawed on a rubber bone. Cookie kept guard on Mom in the bedroom while she slept a bit longer. Dad finished working out and made Cody and Bentley go through their obedience routine before breakfast was served (a delicious natural dry dog food). Cookie got her breakfast without having to do anything. Watched Mom and Dad get ready for work, then bid Mom goodbye as she left. (I don't know what happened after that because I went to work!)

Cindy

A guy my husband works with (late 40s I would guess) on the subject of children said as far as he was concerned you are put on this planet to do one thing.. I said to my husband "Well if that's right, he hasn't done very well, he only has 4 kids!". If your purpose is only this one thing, then shouldn't you just go out and try and get every woman you can pregnant? I found this rather a sad thing to say, I don't know much about this guys life, but I do know he is on plenty of anti-depressants, and that he and his wife separated for sometime. Maybe he should focus on more than just producing kids?

Angela - thanks for making me laugh out loud! I even called my husband to share with him ... "ferret-raccoon things". (He didn't find it as humorous as I did.)

Yes, they are sugar gliders. From Australia. Bred here by breeders. Sugar glider breeders, not people breeders. Well, they ARE people breeders, as they have three kids and two grandkids from their teenaged kids ...

Okay, got it. Sugar gliders. I thrive on learning new things, and I love to share, so please feel free to read the highlights on what I have learned about these forked-[censored] marsupials:

- The sugar glider (petaurus breviceps) is a member of the same order that includes kangaroos, opossums, wombats and Tasmanian devils.
- The females have pouches - how cute!
- In their natural habitat, they are tree-dwelling omniivores that are so named for their preference for sweet foods (like eucalyptus tree sap) and their ability to glide through the air like a flying squirrel (does this make your in-home dining experiences more challenging?)
- Their eyes are large and oriented on the sides of the head.
- They have a wide range of vocal capabilities, ranging from bird chirps to dog barks, but they have a distinctive "rattle" sound when disturbed called "crabbing."
- They bond well with humans and like to be handled. And they don't like to be alone...they can die from loneliness!

"ferret-raccoon things" and this little snippet both had me cackling loudly enough to wake the cat. (She looked at me like I was insane.) Thanks for the little pick-me-up on this cold, gray, dreary day, girls. I love this forum!

Angela, you've done your homework! As for the bifurcated [censored], poor little Hamlet is now monofurcated. (Honestly, I don't know what the term is.) He bit one of them off when he was a teenager. There was blood everywhere ... someone was a bit sexually frustrated ... now he is neutered and has a companion whom he desperately tries to have sex with. I got the second glider, Rafiki, because she refused to breed. Luckily, after many years, she is tolerant of being humped by Hamlet because she knows nothing can happen.

That's right, I have a CF glider! Either that, or she's a lesbian ...

Forked [censored]!! You guys are too much. Cackling here too!!

No, it's true ... it's really gross, too. Not that they normally aren't ... but the first time I saw it I thought he'd eaten a red string or something. It kind of looks like one of those red licorice laces is sticking out his butt ... Luckily, that doesn't happen anymore now that he's fixed.