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I am having a frustrating week. I think I just need to vent and I will feel better!

About 6 or 7 months ago I wrote about how everyone around me seemed to be getting pregnant. Neighbor, SIL, other SIL, friend of Husband, etc. I was having feelings of frustration because I did not want one and I felt left out (stupid I know).

After a few months I got my head back together.

Well now all of the babies are coming. And my frustration is back again BIG TIME.

This past friday, the neighbor came over with the new baby. As I have mentioned, I am clueless as to what to do with a kid under 12. It is like there is a part of my brain missing. I look at the baby and am like, huh? So, I did what I thought I was supposed to do, which was play with the stuffed toys on his stroller. He starting to get fussy. Neighbor said she thought I was overstimulating him....

Last thursday, SIL had the baby. I am trying to be enthusiastic. I try to respond with joy that the baby has my brother's lip...but what occurs to me is why did they not adopt?

Then I get the 70 pics they took and see the happy grandparents holding the baby and of course I WANT THAT TOO!!

And I am reminded that no matter what I do it will never be as "special" to my family as having a kid.

I had to book a trip this weekend for FIL's retirement party. He lives in the same city as brother and new baby. I will see my brother of course and attend the party...where other SIL will be with her baby and husband's friend will be with his baby. I seriously don't know what to do around babies and the idea of being surrounded by them sets me into a panic.

And I am fighting the whole society BS that I am not as important because I am not a mother. I hate that [censored]. I think I have conquered it and BAM!! a relapse. This makes me angry.

I realize that this will sound ridiculous, but I will just say it. I have this image of being at this retirement party surrounded by all of these new moms who have not dropped all of their pregnancy weight. And they are standing together looking at me, with self-satisfied looks, going, "Yeah, she's thin, but we had babies"...."we are so important"....

Another weird thing...I have had a lot of adventure. I was lucky in my early 20's to be unwilling to bow to pressure of who I "should" be and was what I wanted to be. Maybe I am just in a slump, but I cannot think of any traveling that I want to do. I think of all the people that have kids and have had no adventure and think, yeesh, why can't I just want to do it? I have gotten all the adventure out of me!!"

I know I am being dramatic. I will probably feel better just writing about all of this

Thank you for listening!!

Hi Chaco

I am having a relapse too today, so I can totally relate. I think my relapses are a little hormonal (related to my cycle).

My relapse is caused by friends of ours who have just had a baby (having met each other two years ago and married - second marriage for both of them) and - horror of horrors - have set up a "family blog".

At first I was just simply grossed out by the blog. They started it the week before the baby was born and showed a photo of the baby in the womb (you can get that now). Then we had the "he's been born" entry, and now a third entry with pics of his daughter from his first marriage, aged 8, lying beside the baby, looking poignantly at it, and a whole lot of stuff about how it feels, how complete they are now, how beautiful the baby is etc. Then all this excruciating detail. Sample text (I have changed the names):

*****************

Tuesday: we fed, we burped, we cuddled, (repeat) we stressed enough about his early morning crying that we popped down to the 24hr medical centre to make sure he was not sick. The very kind and understanding doctor as good as told us that J was fine and just winding us up. We got two 3hr blocks of sleep during the night (okay, the morning actually).

Wednesday: we fed, we burped, we cuddled, etc and chalked up 8hrs of sleep (6hrs before the feed, 2hrs afterwards).

Thursday: we fed, we burped, we cuddled, etc. We seem to be learning more about his daily ups and down and are being a bit more systematic with the feeding routine, having been told that establishing a 3hr rota will help him to sleep longer through the night. Self-serving I know. So sue us! We also visited the medical centre again to have them check T's c-section wound, which has been rather painful in the last day. No infection, just inflammation because of a small overlap of skin in the suturing. Another 8hrs of sleep!

Friday: we fed, we burped, we cuddled, etc. K, our lovely midwife visited and was very happy with both T and J. His weight has dropped from 3.54 to 3.30kg, which is quite normal, but K predicts confidently that he will be back up to 3.5kg by the end of next week. We met M (his daughter) at school this afternoon and were swarmed by her classmates who no doubt had been regaled all week about how lovely her little brother is. We can't but agree.

*****************


They haven't asked if we WANT this blog - they have just sent it to us. I presume T's best friend who is single, coming up to 40 and desperate to have kids is having to endure this too. I have to add that there is religious stuff in the blog too, eg:

"We are grateful to God for being with us all through the long day and night leading up to his birth. His strength made every worry smaller and every challenge more manageable."

Anyway, dammit if I didn't start feeling a little pang when I saw the lovely pics of the 8-year-old with the baby brother. I had that old "left out" and "is my life shallow and meaningless?" feeling. I am trying to get to the bottom of this and I think it is the same feeling you are having. It's that huge joy and focus that accompanies a birth and that feeling of looking at a baby and knowling it is a product of you and your DH. It is those kodak moments again. Never mind that I have been headhunted for a senior job this last week that is evidence of the years and years I have devoted to my arts career.

Anyway, I am recognising this moment for what it is, and I am hoping you guys will also be grossed out by the blog and boost me up! I keep reminding myself that in 10 - 15 years those two kids will be difficult teenagers.

Hmmm, how about I write a blog about how well my career's going at the moment (in every little detail) and send it to all my friends including those who are feeling lousy about their jobs or are unemployed at the moment. That would have the same degree of sensitivity.

Hmmmm, I too feel better already and back to my sensible self.

FeeBee

I am jealous of one of my coworkers who is pregnant, and she is taking six months off to prepare for baby, and take care of baby. I wish *I* could take six months off, but I don't want to have a baby to do it! LOL!

I was looking at her baby gift registry last night online, and feeling completely lost. I don't know what half that stuff is for! I was thinking of getting her this round changing pad I saw on Oprah, but she didn't register for it, so would I be committing a faux pas if I got it for her? It's kinda pricey too ($30) but it's supposed to be the BEST changing pad. Like I would know? LOL!

She and her husband are building a beautiful huge new house in one of the best school districts in the area, and moving in there with his parents, who are retired. Grandma will take care of the baby when parents are working. They are definitely planners!

Cindy

Oh...my...Lord. That level of detail is needed in a neurosurgeon's textbook, NOT in sharing baby moments. I realize they're proud of their spawnage (and that I'd feel differently if it were my own, and that I'll probably change my mind, and if only I had the right guy, and I'm missing out and...BINGO!). But in the name of all that is holy, I'd rather GET a life than MAKE another one I have to do all that burping stuff with.

This is my favorite part:



OMG. Self-serving. So that they can get some kind of sleep and teach the baby a routine. God forbid.

I also liked the part about the skin overlap.

That is a great idea! Or how about a CF blog?

Monday: Went to the library. Surfed the internet. Ate, read, played with the dogs. Went to work. Signed up for 5K. Considered signing up for salsa again. Went running for an hour. Watched TV for a half hour. Read again. Went to sleep.

Tuesday: Woke up late. Walked around in nightgown for an hour. Went to TurboKick. Worked on freelance project. Went to library. Ate, read, played with the dogs. Leisurely weeded the garden. Read some more. Made pudding. Chatted on phone with friend. Self-serving, I know! So sue me. Made dinner, played with dogs, surfed internet. Will probably read and watch TV. May get daring and play a video game.

Wednesday: Will probably take dogs for a walk. Will go to work. Come home when I feel like it. Work on freelance project. Eat, read, play with dogs. Make dinner. Watch TV. Maybe have sex, possibly on the kitchen floor.

Now, that's just me. I'm sure someone more interesting would have things like going out to dinner, going for a long bike ride, buying shoes, staying up til 3 in the morning, traveling, etc.

I'm going to write a blog describing how much I burp and slept. It will be awesome.

*snicker*

Ok, I guess I'm in a mood today, LOL!

Chaco, first off, you're not stupid for feeling the way you do. I sometimes get a twinge when I see friends kids and wonder what is wrong with me. Why am I so anti-kid? But then I have to turn that negativity into what is positive about me- how good I am with animals, how much I enjoy conversations about art, books, movies, etc., how much I want to travel the world and ride different horses and continue to evolve my passions. To me, it would be like turning a switch off to all my dreams if I had a child.

I like buying baby stuff for other people, but that's where I draw the line. I don't mind other people's joy, just as long as they "keep it off my wave." In other words, don't make me feel like I'm not whole for having a child.

Anyway, I'm really focus on building my career and investing in a Tennessee Walking Horse. I'd rather be out on the trails every weekend than stuck at home burping a baby.

Lord, I forgot to respond to Chaco! I'm sorry.

I just wanted to say that I hope everything gets better. You don't have to feel like you're not good enough. Although, I know the feeling. I know what you mean you say you feel left out. I just hope that you are able to feel better about everything. I know I'm not looking forward to SIL having her kid, and you're dealing with it right now, so I really feel for you.

Cheer up! We love you!

My relapse happened this weekend.

My dr. retired. So I went to my sister's doctor. Mom wanted a reference as she and I had the same original dr. I was sharing about how the appointment was with my mom and sister. I mentioned that she seemed well connected in the medical community and had lots of references. As an example, I (STUPIDLY) mentioned that as we were talking about method of birth control (I filled in 'infertility' in method space), she asked where I was with that whole thing. Told her I was fine, DH and I have spent years discussing and have arrived comfortably at the place where child-free is good for us. Door isn't closed, but we're at peace with where we are. She said ok, but if you ever want to see a counselor, I have a good one. I told her no thanks. She moved on. I was grateful.

In recounting this story, mom and sister jumped on 'seeing a counselor would be a really good idea for you guys'.

I have a great, solid relationship with my husband. We've been sad, but not sad enough to cross over to the childed side. We are good communicators, and have worked really hard to make sure we are on the same page. We talked about seeing a counselor, but decided not to because we both felt we'd been honest and open in exploring all of the options.

But - having mom and sister say we should see a counselor put me over the edge. Defensively, I told them we have a decision, we're happy with it, end of story and I told my mom about what else I liked about the dr. The subject didn't come up again.

I've been stewing for days. DH said 'they just want a counselor to convince us to find a way to have kids, but it's our decision and we're happy with it'. What a guy! But why do I feel so guilty?

Ah, the social programming kicks in again. Assimilate or die, poor childfree schmucks. Hang in there, Chaco. In two years they'll all be toddlers and their parents will be telling you how exhausted they are and how much they envy you.

This is all so much more interesting than studying :-)