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Joined: May 2007
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Koala
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Koala
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I think it would depend on why you dont want kids. if you are afraid and you are letting that stop you then you will regert having not faced those fears. on the other hand if you dont want kids because you dont like or truly cant handle kids and you have them then you would regret having kids. I think you would grow to resent your husband for "making you have them" and blame your kids for being more them you can cope with.

for me I dont have a choice being a diabetic and overwieght plus a smoker plus I have already gone through menopause when I was 15 so I cant have kids. but I never wanted to have kids. I love kids and I am more then happy to babyset or whatever but I dont want my own kids because I am not a mother. I dont have the pacients it takes or the stamina to keep up with them on a 24-7 365....

I also know that there are millions of kids out there with nowhere to go that need a home and someone to love them. so if I am ever ready to have a child I can adopt one that is potty trained!!! lol

there are a number of reasons not to have a child but fear is not a good one! and there are a great many reasons to have a child but pressure is not one of them!

ok so Im not a mom and I am rambling on at 2 am but I hope this helps!!!

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Gecko
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It's a tough one - I think it's easier when you know you definitely want them or don't want them - for most people it's a question of weighing up your true feelings - and I mean YOUR feelings not society, your parents, friends or anyone else.
I think it's the biggest and most important decision we have to make in life - marry the wrong man, you can get a divorce - take the wrong job or course - resign or change courses - but having a child is a lifelong commitment.
As a young woman I steered clear of men who definitely wanted kids - to marry a man who wants kids puts enormous pressure on you to have a child/ren - it could even break up a marriage.
Remember it is your life that will change the most - in most cases it is the mother who provides the day to day care, takes the break in her career etc.
I agree that fear should not stop you from having a child - that is, fear of pain, doctors, hospitals etc. One of my friends was terrified of all things medical - she eventually found a gentle and kind female ob/gyn who helped her through the experience.
Unfortunately there is no easy answer - in the end you have to make your own decision.
It's often helpful to ask yourself questions: Why do I (and I means YOU) want to have a child? Am I unhappy with my life? What do I like most about my life? What do I dislike about my life? Why don't I want a child? If I had married a man who didn't want children - would I still want to have a child?
Hope everything works out for you...

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Gecko
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One last point - as for having regrets in 20 years time.
I personally do not believe in regrets - you can't change history so having regrets achieves absolutely nothing. I always look forward...
All you can do is make the decision and live with the consequences whether that be CF or motherhood.


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It is very difficult to make this choice, especially when you have to make it after age 30--or as with some women and as in my case, after 35.

I had my son at 36 because I met my husband when I was older.

And now I am 41--well, I will be on the 17th. I wish now I'd had at least one more child, but am not able to at this point. And I regret having waited, and regret having only one child.

Getting married so late and getting pregnant so late were huge adjustments--especially since I was a very set person, very picky about having my private, alone time, keeping to my schedule, having things in the house just so. I had always said "I will never never marry and never have kids".

Never, schmever.

I had a great guy and a great marriage and had arrived at a good place in life and suddenly, I felt different about having a child. I knew the marriage was good and knew it would last, knew the hubby would make a great dad and knew how much he wanted a baby.

So I looked a little deeper at myself and said, are you afraid to have a baby because everything will change? And honestly, that was it. I wanted everything the same all the time because it was comforting to me to have it be that way. I knew what to expect all the time in my world because I made it that way. I controlled my environent so it could not control me.

Scared, yes. Anxious, yes. Panicky, even? Yes.

Did everything change? Yes. Some things for the worse, some--many--for better.

Am I glad I had my son? Absolutely.

I think Deborah 49s answer was a good one.

You have to make the right choice for you, taking your husband and his feelings into account also--as he is a part of your life and future.

No different than if the situation was that you wanted kids and he said no way---you guys need to find the right answer for you both, that pleases and works for both of you.

And I am glad you posted here. Much better to talk it over with someone than not to do so and wish you had.


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Shark
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I had my last child at 37. I wish we had our family earlier, sometimes. Mainly because I worry about staying healthy, as I age. But, it took me that long to be ready.

Happy Birthday, Bookratt! I will be celebrating on that day as well (48)

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RNS Offline OP
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Happy birthday to you both!

It's been a while since I have been on the forum, but thank you for all your responses.

First, I want to answer Deberah's questions:

Why do I (and I means YOU) want to have a child?
Honestly, I would like a family, and I truly to want to see my husband with his own child. He loves children and I would love to see him with his own.

Am I unhappy with my life?
No.

What do I like most about my life?
My husband, my privacy and my ability to relax and do what I want when I want.

What do I dislike about my life?
Nothing (maybe my job).

Why don't I want a child?
I never really felt a connection with children. I don't hate them, but I don't love them either. Honestly, I always thought I would have them someday, once I got married anyway, but once I accidentally got pregnant, I had these negative feelings I never even knew existed, and that is what worries me most. I also fear what it would do to us as a couple. We have a great solid relationship that I know will last, but I am so used to it being just us. What would a baby do to us? Basically, when I found out I was pregnant, I felt like MY life had ended and I didn't want it to.

If I had married a man who didn't want children - would I still want to have a child?
If my husband did not want them, I would be content living life the way it is now.

I honestly believe that I am lucky with the man I met. I truly feel he would take on baby duties 50/50. He already cooks and cleans, so I am already in a position where he helps out a lot. I am spoiled, I admit. I was growing up, and I still am now. Maybe that is my biggest problem.

When you hit this age, you are content with life the way it is and see how much a baby will change everything you are accustomed to. Again, something I have a problem with. I hate change.

I think most women love having children, with a few exceptions. Having a guy who helps, definitely would make it easier. I guess I just worry that I would be unhappy and be one of those few that are. The problem is, I would never really know unless I took the plunge. If I hated it, I would have to make the best of it because it would not be the child's fault. I couldn't blame my husband either, as he said if I really don't want one, he would learn to live with that and stick by me no matter what.

I also believe you should never have regrets in your life, but I also believe it is better to regret not having a child than it is having one. But I really think I could regret not having one with such a great guy who loves children. Again, I thought we would have one someday, but those feeling I had when I got pregnant were unexpected and scary. Would I have had an abortion? No. But I miscarried,. Did I get what I wanted? Yes and no. I didn't want to be pregnant, but I also didn't want anything to be wrong with the child I was carrying and I didn't want to lose it for my husband. I was hurt after I lost it. Maybe that tells me something. Is it possible I just wasn't ready? It was unexpected and not planned. Could it be different next time? But those feeling were so strong. Could hormones affected my thoughts? Maybe. I guess I just need to wait and see where things go. I never did go back on the pill, but we are still being "careful". Maybe I just need to take the plunge. I am a good person and would still do what is right by a child, if I had one. Ad if I was not happy, it would be no one's fault but my own.

Again, thanks for reading!!

Last edited by RNS; 10/24/07 07:30 PM.
RNS #349673 10/24/07 08:12 PM
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Gecko
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It's clear you're going through a difficult time and I can understand why...it is a huge life changing decision.
Perhaps you need to give yourself a bit of breathing space - you're only 30 so you still have time...perhaps with time the issue will become clearer and your feelings more certain. Many of my friends didn't want children until they were older - they simply "weren't ready" before they were 35 or so.
It's so difficult when your husband loves and would like children - it does add an extra pressure.
Do you have any kids in your circle? It's sometimes helpful to take someone's child for 24 hours - I know when I was going through a last minute panic we were asked to care for a 2 year old for 48 hours - it was an emergency and his parents needed to leave him somewhere fast. It couldn't have happened at a better time.
I couldn't believe how hard it was to care for him for just a weekend - forget the sleep in's, forget reading the paper, trying to occupy him, watching him constantly, playing with him, settling him at night and getting up to him, oh, and the MESS! - it was a valuable experience for us.
Equally, you may get to the end of the weekend and feel reassured that it's definitely for you.
Hope you find an answer that sits well with both of you.

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Unfortuantely, there are no younger children left in my family. The youngest is now 9. My friend just had her second baby, but unfortunately, she lives states away (flying two hours). I am not sure that someone else's kids could give me the right answer though.

I just read a post by peartree2u on page 6 of the thread that Jennyt started. I think she has a point. It rings true in so many ways. Reading her thread made me realize something that I am afraid of. It is all the change in those first few years. The fear of regretting what I did, missing my life before children, resenting the child and just being plain miserable. That is what worries me. How would I get passed these first couple years? What if I don't get passed them? But like peartree said, she is getting past that stage. She loves her child and is now realizing the entire thing was more of a learning process and maybe a bit of a grieving one as well. It's an adjustment and maybe this is what you are going through. Things have to get easier, right?

However, someone else wrote in that thread (Chris) that they feel the same was as jenny with a 3 year old. So there really are people who maybe aren't happy. How do you know in those first couple years if it will really get better or not?

So, are all these worries/fears enough to stop someone from trying? This is what I need to figure out for myself.

RNS #349914 10/25/07 05:15 PM
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a few more things. After reading even more of that post, I notice a common similarity between those that aren't too happy being parents. They mention boredom. I worry I could end up feeling that way too. It actually is scary to see a few people admiting how they feel in that thread because it isn't something you hear often. People don't want to admit they feel that way, but there are those out there that do. It's funny, I feel like I would be more comfortable with a teenager than a child 2-6 years old. I just wish there was some sort of way to guarantee that I would be okay, or will I be if I just trust and believe I will be (like the little engine that could)? I mean, really, can it all just be in your head and you can make it what you want it to be?

And then I hear all these stories of women beaming while they are pregnant, which I don't know if I ever could because the entire idea seems a bit alien to me. And all these women who love being a mother and admit it is hard, but definitely worth every minute. I often wonder if this can really be true, or if deep down, they feel the same way those others do in that thread, but won't admit it to me.

Of course, nothing would make me happier than to see my husband playing with his own child. Is that enough to make it worth it for me? I am glad I still have time, but it helps to talk about it and go in to this with information. At least I know it would be hard and not just a walk in the park. Bookrat said said. She mentioned how she felt before she got pregnant. Well, that sounds just like me. But look, it worked out for her and she wishes she had more. So what am I so afraid of? A part of me feels like a terrible person for even thinking that I could end up unhappy. I have a great relationship and love my husband, so shouldn't I be excited to share something like this with him instead of being so afraid?

Last edited by RNS; 10/25/07 05:43 PM.
RNS #349995 10/25/07 10:50 PM
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I have experienced ALOT of emotions as a parent but boredom was never one of them.

I enjoy my daughters company AND enjoy doing the things that kids enjoy, assuming your not talking about others annoying kids. I LOVE my daughter but other peoples kids annoy me.

I LOVE going shopping with her, love taking her to the beach and playing with her, love going to Disney. She has friends over to play and I have no problem with that.

Its not for everyone but if you don't like doing the things you HAVE to do when you have a kid, then being a parent would be very boring to you.

I think part of what brought me to this place is my parents adopted me whe they were 44 and 45. I spent most of my years growing up in the company of adults. We did fun things but most often they were adult things. When I had my daughter I LOVED doing kid things with her.

Its just my opinion but I think people should really WANT to have children, being a parent is not a passive experience. Its not like ordering a dessert that you don't know if you will like. You have to LOVE the idea more then anything or parenthood might not be for you.

I have to tell you that it takes over your entire life. There is literally nothing that is the same afterward AND that was what I wanted but if your not absolutely sure its what you want, I would give it a pass.

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