A mistake is something that is not planned, not done on purpose. My parents planned both of us and on purpose abused us since our births. They also made the choice of keeping with the abuse when one of their child died. It is their own choice so it is not mistakes we are talking about. I gave you two examples of what are mistakes. Want another one? Okay you are in a grocery store and you want original Ritz but you pick one that has less salt in it instead because you were too quick and the boxes looked the same. Not a mistake? You enter that grocery store with a gun and you rob the place and while at it shoot at least someone.

And I have no idea how many times you want me to say that it is my fault that I am still with them but this is the last time; for that I am done.

I suppose you will tell me when I am on my own to just stop thinking about that abuse, to just get over my depression, just do not have panic attacks, just do not jump. You did tell me to tell my brain to not be afraid of spiders anymore so I suppose this is what I should do when I am far from my parents? Oh and also apparently to beat shyness all you have to do is go out and be around people and just talk to whoever. Hey you should open an office and tell people who have PTSD of any kind to just tell their brain that everything is okay and to just stop having triggers and panic attacks and anxiety attacks too. I have a friend who was raped twice and the last time it was by a group where they also injured seriously her back, she also ended up in debt because of her husband and she did not left him and the last time I heard from her she was still with him, if she can afford a new computer or to repair her broken one I could give you her email address so you can tell her to just forget about it and be happy that her husband is alive when he treats her like garbage, she also has serious damages to her teeth and gums which she cannot afford to take care of, while at it you could tell you to ignore the pain, hey that would be like with my phobia just tell her brain that she is not in pain. Wow what a genius you are.

And by the way when the hell did I say that a parent is a parent when he or she had sex with the opposite sex to make a child?

Oh I just thought about it since all I have to do is either ignore or tell my brain something maybe I should just tell my brain that I do not have insomnia or and ignore the insomnia, hey I will try that tonight and see if I can sleep a normal night tonight yep I am sure this is all it takes !

A mistake is something we do that is incorrect. If we choose a wrong answer on a test we make a mistake. It could be that in Canadian there is a different meaning for the word, but in my readings and discussions in the US if someone does something wrong they say "I made a mistake." Everything we do is on purpose. We choose our actions. How can we do something not on purpose? There is no alien creature controlling us. Our own brains control our actions. We choose every action we take.

If someone chooses not to look at what they are doing that is a choice. If they make an incorrect decision based on faulty data that is a choice. Everything we do in life is a choice. We have to own up to our choices.

You are an adult person who is still choosing to live with your parents long past the age of 18. Those people are abusive to you. You should leave. My sister left our house when she was 15. I left when I was 17. There was no way we were going to stay in a house with parents who did not treat us well. We left. That's what children do when they are no longer minors. They leave.

There is no reason to stay. Zero. None. You should leave.

You talk about all the problems and issues and stresses you have, caused by them. Leave. You are choosing to stay in a toxic stew which harms your health every single day. Leave.

Go somewhere quiet where you can be alone. Somewhere peaceful. Somewhere with no stress. Choose a counselor to talk with, to help you. With the stress you've been through, you absolutely need help. You deserve a quiet place without those people there hurting you.

Choosing to stay in that toxic house makes zero sense.

You can leave. You are choosing to stay. That is harming you daily. Leave.

If you need help to leave, because you can't carry your things, then get a helper. And leave.

For the gazillion time I know it is my own fault that I am still with them! That does not erase the fact that they are monsters! It also does not erase what they did to me since my birth and that I will have to live with it the rest of my life (AND YES STARTING WHEN I COULD OF LEFT IT IS ON ME)!

And no not everything we do can be mistakes! Again that way of thinking is the main reason why there are so many criminals and people who just do not care and people who sue when they do idiotic things! There is zero common sense now! No accountability! Hey it is not my fault, I just made a mistake and heck you do not even have to say that because someone like you will come along and say it is not your fault all the while attacking someone who do accept their own fault!

Anyway I am done with this; I restarted again last week and if I want to stick with it this time instead of again not sticking with my decisions and restarting again I better do a few changes and not having an insane discussion (BY THE WAY i have no idea why you decided to start that the other day - i thought i had no life but at least i do not start trouble with others on the internet). Oh and that goes for anywhere else here too. I should of ignored you from the start or at least later that day but I guess it is better late than never.

I'm confused why you are disagreeing with me about your parents. I am *agreeing* with you that their actions are unhealthy for you. I am *agreeing* that what they are doing is wrong. I am *agreeing* that you should be far away from them. I am agreeing with you. They are not good people to be around. Agreed. Done.

I'm also confused why you are disagreeing with me about criminals. I am *agreeing* with you that criminals make bad choices which hurt others. They should be accountable for those bad choices and decisions. That is my entire point. People make choices. There is no space alien controlling their minds. They, themselves, make those choices and should be held accountable. That's exactly what I said. It is a person's fault every choice they make. They can and should be held accountable for those choices.

I am trying to help you. You have been stuck in a nasty situation for well over three long years where every single day you are upset with the toxic swamp you are in. I am trying to help you escape. If you saw a person stuck in a toxic situation for over three long years and crying out for help every single day for three long years, I would hope you would do the same thing. Hopefully every caring person would.

Our washer is a lemon (dad picked it out and the dryer too despite NEVER have washed anything in his life except his hair and body and hands), I had to wash all of my washcloths and towels this morning and mom decided to start it again a few minutes after it was started, I told her not to because it would become all screwed up but she did anyway and like usual it became all screwed up and for about an half hour now she has started it several times which means lots of wasted water and also I do not know if I will have anything to wash and dry my face plus the towels for my hair and body! Oh and of course she is [censored] off and it is my fault!

It is always something with them, they always have to find a way to start trouble and then whine and complain that nothing ever works!

Your parents are never going to change. They have been this way for years and it is their way of being.

Your health is all important. There is no reason for your health to be continually and daily damaged because your parents are the way they are. It would be like your heath being damaged because the sun rose in the east. It's out of your control. Out of your control. Out of your control. Say that to yourself as a mantra.

You need to detach yourself from paying attention in any way to the things they do. There is no reason to pay attention to them. There is no reason to be emotionally involved with them. For as long as you are in that house, your #1 goal needs to be to protect and improve your health. That means lowering your stress. That means detaching emotionally from the things they do.

Think of your parents as research experiments. They are examples of poorly operating human beings. DO NOT GET EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED. Detach yourself. DO NOT STRESS ABOUT THEM. Detach yourself. Observe what they do and turn away.

Stop watching for or counting the "bad" things they do. That activity reinforces those actions in your mind. You are deliberately adding stress to your world. You need to *separate* yourself from them emotionally. Instead you keep actively connecting yourself to them. And then you suffer every day.

They are out of your control. What they do does not matter.

It's life-critical for you to do this. Everything else depends on it.

I have created a meditation video for you on dealing with stressful people. It explains the concepts I have been discussing. Please watch the video. It is your health which is in danger. You need to learn how to protect yourself.

Last Friday I had several panic attacks because I thought I was going blind, a few seconds after going to bed I started seeing something small that was several colors and it was also flashing then it became bigger and bigger and bigger so I got up and it was worst with the lights on so got back to bed and it got worst but finally slowly stopped, I somehow not only managed to not have a panic attack then but also sleep a little, woke up with the two monsters screaming at each others and did not fell back asleep, after 9:00 they left for errands and I got up and talked with a secretary of the eye clinic we go to in Matane, by then I actually was calm but she immediately said oh that can be very serious and we have to see you right away and that was my first panic attack of the day, she hung up to talk to the doctor, waited minutes then called them but they were separated and mom later called me, called back and we managed to get there before 11:15 and thankfully nothing was wrong, he even did a few more tests to help me relax, that was a migraine which I have had but I never got that symptom before. Of course these two being monsters did not made any attempt to calm me, they even were angry because they could not finish their errands plus of course did not even stop pushing my buttons, the people working at Iris though were all nice to me and all of them did everything possible to calm me.

Since then no panic attacks and they both still are monsters getting worst by the day, had waxing done yesterday which gave me a chance to talk with someone normal face to face.

Tomorrow I am restarting again, that last restart was doing well but I dropped everything Friday. I will do things differently though so hopefully that will help me not to give up.

Also I am so fed up with the internet, everywhere we go here there are either crazy leftists or it is news about them or we have the Kardashians or other worthless people right in our face so I will probably soon start a vacation from the internet, anyway my computer is dying on me and I do not want to repair it. I will just start walking again and besides television where I will get the news from Tucker Carlson and watch of course the Dallas Stars (probably will cut that too but at least this is not driving me nuts) I will color, color by numbers, dot to dots, puzzles, sow, and many other things. When I do that I will then get a new computer and go back online in my new place which I have no idea when I will get and where so I could be offline for a long time if I do that before knowing when I will move, I am even thinking of continuing this in my new place even if I am offline for more than a year, this is how fed up I am with being online now!

Well soon I will watch from start to finish a movie I love that has Michael Fassbender so that will be awesome !

I am so sorry to hear about the panic attacks. Stress and lack of sleep can absolutely cause those and migraines as well.

The stressful environment your parents are creating is causing enormous damage to your health.

For your own health, I absolutely encourage you to get help from the doctors, the nurses, and everyone else to get away from them. You need to take that step. There are people who will help you. Reach out to them and get your help. It will only get worse every day you stay. The fact that you refer to them as monsters says everything. You need to get away.

I am restarting today, it is a very small decision so it should be easy to make and to keep.