BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Coping With Double Standards

Hello, I am seriously struggling with something at the moment and know that unless I can get some advice it's probably going to tear my relationship apart. Recently my BF's ex called, in a panic saying that their daughter (2) had badly hurt herself and they were going to the hospital. Naturally we were terrified, rushed to A&E to wait for her to arrive. When she got there, the little girl had cut her lip, in fairness it was a nasty cut, but it had stopped bleeding already. The triage nurse checked for concussion (of which there was none because she had only hit her mouth, not her head luckily) and gave her a plaster and some Calpol. The ex told us she had bitten straight through her lip, we assumed she had checked the wound and so didn't prod and look further so as not to start it bleeding again. So we proceeded to spend four hours waiting in A&E, with the little girl running around, laughing, playing, drinking and trying to not let her get too bored. It was more than obvious we didn't need to be there. When we were finally seen, they looked at her lip and announced that she hadn't bit through it at all, she'd effectively bit the inside of her lip and knocked the outside on the table. Two different cuts. Nobody had even checked. The part that I'm struggling with is that a few months ago, one of my sons (then 3) was in agony with stomach pains. His stomach was distended, hard and he was running a high temperature. Sobbing and screaming constantly. I wanted to take him to A&E then, but my boyfriend insisted that I was being irrational and A&E was only for emergencies. We fought for a while and I finally settled on phoning the doctor's and begging to be seen so that my BF didn't storm off in a mood that I hadn't listened to his gospel medical advice. Yet he didn't say a single word to his ex when it was his daughter. Not one word, in four hours, of sitting there with a child who had effectively got a fat lip. That he can hold such obvious double standards is really making me question everything. It's really eating me up, I haven't brought it up with him because I'm not sure how to address it in an effective way that doesn't just seem like an attack. But ignoring it isn't working because I'm finding myself fighting disgust when I look at him. If anybody has an advice that can help me get past this, or see it differently, I would be eternally grateful.

Sorry it took me so long to reply. Is it just possible that your boyfriend reacts with excessive seeming concern to a mishap regarding his daughter, because, in a strange way, he sees a bit of you in her, and with something verging on absolute disregard to the serious discomfort your son was in, because he sees in him (and it does sound silly, I know) some kind of competitor for your affection? We all tend to get totally irrational when caught unawares by somethingt that's bubbling away deep down under our everyday minds.

I get the "Eating away part..." That, I'm afraid, I'm quite familiar with.

There's 2 things I pick up here and hopefully you do come back and check.

One is that biologically, I've found in mixed families, there is somewhat of a "double-standard." See, one child is actually his, the BF. The other child, just as significant, in mixed families seem to be more of a, that's YOUR responsibility. It's a tough one.

The part I'm wondering though is, "left-overs" of the ex, meaning if it's over and a cut on the lip, does it really need to involve dragging the ex from wherever to the emergency room.

Secondly, and ESPECIALLLY when it's eating at you, that's your instincs calling. Never hang up on those, lol.

I answer every time and they're usually right, too.

To keep peace both for yourself and the BF, you're right, instinctually, about not attacking. That never works. But instead, softly (and body language will be a biggy here) you may have to practice, because it feels like it's anger in here that's bubbling to the surface for more than just this reason alone.

But I'd start with asking, again, in a soft tone if he/the BF could help you with something you're struggling with.

No matter what, keep the tone humble and for what it is, a question in need of explaining. I'm not talking humble, like keep your head down, just there's nothing wrong w/asking someone who holds the answers to explain something that might help you both sleep better at night.

From my perspective, that's where I'd begin. The EX? From my end, that's an entirely dif. subject you might want to practice keeping for a later time