BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Don't know how much more I can take...

I posted here ages ago because my boyfriend wants kids and I don't. Well, we are still together years down the line but sometimes it is so hard. On teh weekend I was telling him about my friend and her baby and he said "you know, some people actually like having babies. The way you go on about it it's as if every woman who has a baby ruins her life". He's never going to even try to understand that having a baby isn't necessarily the best thing in the world and he is so blinkered that he thinks all women (apart from me) want to have kids, just because all is friends do. He clearly thinks it's some kind of unpleasant flaw in my character, which I find hurtful and it pisses me off that he won't open his eyes to the reality of having children. Plus he doesn't really earn enough to support a family so I would have to work andd do most of the child care. I don't know what todo. On the weekend I was ready to end the relationship because I sometimes don't think I can stand it, but the trouble is apart from this issue we get along great....

If you'd really like to investigate this, litteraly, I'm thinking a suggestion might be to find a couple that has a child or children who desperately want to get away for a few days or a week and offer to babysit.

I've seen both sides of having children through family and friends and it really is, as you suggest, a layered issue.

No matter what you think it's going to be like, the real experience will blow it away, yet it is an experience that tests your limits and shows you things you wouldn't have known otherwise.

A little reality never hurts. It's the fantasy if you've got one that can really get in the way of fluency when you make a decision to bring another human being (not a baby) into the world we have.

I might also suggest that your boyfriend try babysitting a child for a week and see if, at the end of the week, he changes his mind about having kids. Having kids is a huge responsibility to take on.

Having kids has been wonderful for me, having grandchildren is wonderful, too. But, everyone has their own preferences in life and should not be forced in to doing what they really do not want to do.

I hope all works out for you in a good way, Crocus.

"Well, we are still together years down the line but sometimes it is so hard"

I wonder how many years down the line. Is this the relationship that you both plan on being in for the rest of your lives? In a case like that, a difference on family can (and should) be a deal-breaker.

From your post, it seems that each of you find the other's position on this to be unreasonable and unacceptable.

"He's never going to even try to understand that having a baby isn't necessarily the best thing in the world"

Maybe for him it is. It is you who believe that it isn't.

"He clearly thinks it's some kind of unpleasant flaw in my character"

To repeat, these do not seem to be viewpoints that can reconcile with each other.

"it pisses me off that he won't open his eyes to the reality of having children"

That you describe it thus "the reality of having children" indicates an extremely strong and antagonistic opposition to both his viewpoint and to just what children represent and actually are.

In my opinion this difference between the two of you isn't going to improve. Your basic life goals (or goal) are dissimilar. You should find someone who doesn't want children; he should find someone who does.

Hi crocus, it sounds like you're in a difficult place at the moment.
I don't think your hubby is going to understand what it's like having kids until he does, and, if he's so set on wanting them, I don't think he'll ever change his mind on the subject.

the trouble with being around others kids to try the lifestyle out, is that it's never for more than a few days at a time, ( so your hubby can go back to peace and quiet, and have time to think/ do what he wants ) and if they are unruly - or he does find it tiring, he would probably think ' but mine wouldn't be like that ! '

I don't know what your idea is regarding 'the reality of having children' , but Frank above seems to think you have a 'strong and antagonistic opposition to both his viewpoint, and to just what children represent and actually are.'

As for me, and maybe for you too, perhaps, after getting to adulthood yourself, you are very much aware of what kids are, and actually like kids - after all they are just younger adults, some of whom you like, and some you don't.

Maybe your hubby has taken the mistaken viewpoint too that you are a child hater, unaware or unwilling to understand children, and as such are a nasty unloving person for not wanting the 'joy' that is having your own child...
maybe he hasn't grasped that actually you enjoy kids in general, just have thought deeply about the consequences both financially and emotionally on you and your marriage, and believe raising your own child is not for you.

I too would be very worried if my husband was desperate for a child, but was unable to support a family, and it's obvious, as you say, that you would not only be the main child carer, but also the main wage earner.


I would write your feelings down on paper - I did this once years ago with my hubby on another issue, and it actually worked !
I'd been telling him for months my feelings, but only after I'd set it down on paper - in a logical, heartfelt way, explaining fully how I felt, that he said ' well I didn't think you felt like that...! '
It's worth a go, as he may not be truly listening to your fears and worries, when maybe a discussion becomes an argument, and then your feelings are no longer heard,
Your concern for the future of your marriage is not getting through to him, and he's focusing on to the holding of a baby that everyone will fuss over.

Let us know how it goes - at least you know you have support here, and good luck.

Thanks everyone for your very thoughtful replies. I think I maybe didn't come across right in my post because I was upset. I like children and enjoy being around them, but I'm sure the experience of motherhood can be all-consuming. My viewpoint is antagonistic to that of my partner partly because I see so many relationships were mum does almost all the child care and dad is just around for fun on the weekend. In wanting children *he* wants *me* to change *my* life for something he wants. He will not be changing *his* life, at least not on a day to day basis. He will not have pregnancy, labour and breastfeeding to contend with, but he can't seem to grasp that maybe I don't want to do that. Playgroup / homework / packed lunches / bathtimes / bedtimes .... the list goes on. Do you see what I mean? He doesn't try to see it from the point of view of the person who would be doing all these things

I think a lot of men (but not all) are like that. They think having kids is not such a big deal because they are not the ones who are having to do the majority of the work. I agree with above posters....babysit a child or children for 3 days or so. He needs to see the full reality of what having a child entails and what he and you would have to go through. He may end up still wanting them...or his eyes may be opened and he agrees with you. I had a boyfriend like this years ago...thought he was the one because this was the only issue we had. Luckily we broke up after 3 years because he said he needed someone who wanted children. I am glad because I then found my now husband who is not dead set on the idea!

Allow me to be blunt. Either he loves you as you are, and agrees with or is willing to accept your not wanting a child to be with you, or you may need a new partner. I hope things work out, I really do. As I've said to several posters this is a decision you NEED to agree on if you're going to marry. Im not an advocate of lying, but I wonder if for some women it'd be easier to appear neutral on having a child, and then use birth control and tell husband you just never could get pregnant. I know it's immoral to lie, and as I said I'm the overly honest type. However, it must beso hard on a woman to hear that she's " not enough"

misstalia.....I've been there, done that, as you well know. It was not easy when my marriage ended because my ex-husband valued his need to procreate over the commitment that he made to me on our wedding day. To love, honor, and cherish until death do us part...... Is it wrong to believe in those words anymore?

Like I have said in other threads here, there is no guarantee that children will come out of a marriage for various reasons. I married my ex-husband thinking that I wanted to have kids some day, but soon after I changed my mind. I told him to leave me if he wanted a family. He chose to stay. He agreed with me for several years that we were better off without having children, until he had his mid-life crisis.....

He would not accept fostering or adopting, which are options I offered because I was already in my 40's when he got desperate for babies, and he refused. He wanted to make a baby from his own body. So herein lies a real nasty fact.......if I had wanted babies years ago and could not have them because of physical or medical reasons, my husband would still have left me because his need to make a baby from his own body is more important to him than the bond and commitment of marriage, and his relationship with his wife.

Sure, it hurts. It still hurts me an entire year later after the divorce. It hurts that I loved him so much and he threw me aside after a nearly 20 yr relationship and marriage because I would not have a baby for him. I was "not enough" because of the person I am, and it is heartbreaking to me even today. I am hardly a selfish person. I give and give and I don't expect much in return. That goes for my significant other, my family, my friends, etc. I am kind, compassionate, devoted, faithful, and very loving, and this was "not enough". Yet he married me because of who I am.....

He will wed his new woman next weekend. She is 47 yrs old (he's 40) and already has three kids of her own, the youngest of which is 14 and the other two are in college. I guess she will give him a baby now? What happens when she can't get pregnant? Do either of them realize the risks they put on an unborn child by trying to conceive at age 47?

I question the real reasons why a lot of men want kids in the first place. I guarantee you that my ex-husband would not have changed his life if we had raised a family together. His excuse would have been, "I work all week." It is fine and dandy to make demands on another human being to provide for their needs when they don't have to make many adjustments to their own lives to get these needs met. I am sure not all men are like that, but many are from what I gather from women's stories here and elsewhere.

I think the reason a lot of us women don't want children is because we have looked beyond the lovely "kodak" moments a lot of men want, and we have dug deeper and researched further the entire process of raising a family, most of which we would have to do alone in a lot of cases. That does not leave a lot of time or energy, if any at all, for us to have a life where our own personal needs are met for the individuals that we are. No thanks....

Cassie, reading your statement about had you biologically not been able to reproduce he'd have left anyway makes e wonder if that's actually true or if your ex felt your relationship had gone sour for other reasons and used the baby thing as a cop out ( which would be so wrong). I mean leaving a woman in her forties because he wanted a baby but then ending up with a 47 year old who is absolutely too old to reproduce safely sounds outright absurd! It'd be like a woman leaving her husband because he doesnt spend enough time with her ending up in a new relationship with a traveling salesman ! She's not actually going to have a child! I'd be shocked. Not to be rude, but from the outside his actions seem ridiculous. Unless he just likes that she "has" kids already. Any ob/gyn will tell you after 35 is not a good idea...let alone 47. Im pretty certain that's around the age my grandmother was when I was born lol.