BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Hubbie had another episode...

Hi my friends-

Hubbie had another "sad" episode a few days ago. He saw a Dad outside playing catch with his son and was melancholy for the rest of the day that we aren't going to have kids. In a moment of weakness, I started talking about the possibility of taking out the IUD and trying for a baby. Now I have a knot in my stomach the size of Texas.

I'm 38 and the risks are probably huge, not to mention that... well... I STILL don't want any kids. He would be wonderful and super helpful and a great Dad. And it would make him so happy. And I would probably resent him for turning my life from a series of "want to's" to "have to's." I already feel like he's crowding me today, and I usually love the attention.

When I last wrote, it seemed like we had solved this. But I don't have as much of a backbone as I thought and know we're back in the throes of this.

Tomorrow I'm starting a 4 week opera workshop that I was so looking forward to, and now I'm so stressed out from all of this. So sad today, girls, I just had to write.

I sort of know where you are coming from. I told my husband, before we got married, that I didn't want any children. But after we married, he denies that I ever told him that. After about 10 years of marriage, I gave in and we decided to try to get pregnant. We only tried 1 month, and I really thought I was pregnant. But then when my cycle came about 1 1/2 months later, I was so relieved, because I was already exhausted just thinking about it. So we became foster parents, and that pretty much stopped us from ever wanting kids. If your not interested in fostering, just offer to keep a friends kids for the weekend, and see how you feel afterwards. Now...on another note. We just went back into fostering after having about a year off, and this time we actually have 2 kids that we are truly enjoying. I've always been so anti-child, that I am quite surprised, that my attitude has changed, and we are actually thinking of adoption. But I still get scared when I think about having to do this for the next 15 years. (kids are 7yrs & 3yrs) But we've only had them less than a month, so only time will tell if we start to long for our childless marriage again. But so far, I must say, I'm currently enjoying the new routine, and differen't direction than what we are used to. I wish you the best. Good luck with your decision. Hope

I agree about the risk relative to your age, but more importantly, the fact you dont want the child is the biggest risk in that you're risking your happiness and contentment. It doesn't seem fair that your husband is pouting at other people's kodak moments at your expense. If you have the finances to adopt and get an aupair? This way you will not have to be pregnant, give birth, or directly raise a child, and hubby still gets his thing. This is one of those issues that I believe it's imperative a couple agree on. Try talking to Cassie and Solalux, I hope I spelled their names right. One is a woman who had to accept the dissolving of her marriage to remain true to herself and what she wants out of life, the other is a mom who gave in even though she didn't want to be and speaks out about how she really feels. I admire their courage and honesty.

Get a dog. He can play catch with that.

misstalia: Thank you so much for your kind words.

I don't always feel courageous, believe me. Nothing about a situation like what VirgoGirl is going through is easy. I am still trying to get over the heartbreak of my lost marriage and my ex-husband whom I considered to be my soulmate. It has been a year since the divorce and I am involved with another man who is a kind and gentle soul, but intense pain over what I was forced to give up because of who I am still remains. When you marry someone, it is with the understanding that your spouse loves you for the person you are inside and that is the most important thing to the both of you, celebrating each other as individuals with love and compassion. That "should" be the most important thing, what brought the two of you together in the first place. Nowhere is there a guarantee that there will be children in the marriage when taking marriage vows. Often there will be children as a result of a marriage, but for various reasons not every married couple will have children.

VirgoGirl: I have SO been there. A year before my marriage ended everything hit the fan. My husband's need for a child went out of control, to the point that he told me that having a child of your own and imparting your knowledge and beliefs onto this child was more important than the relationship you have with your domestic partner. What the heck??? If you don't have a good relationship with your spouse there is no reason to bring children into the world. The support of each other is what brings about the successful raising of children. I don't have to tell you how selfish this sounded to me when I heard it.

In any event, I had one heck of a time coming to terms with what was happening, and I didn't want to lose my husband with whom I had spent 19 years with. I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone. No matter what, there was no way I could bring myself to give in, although I did have a brief time of weakness. I went online to research the risks of having a child at my age. Here I was at age 42 and not yet pregnant, which means that if I could even successfully get pregnant I would not be giving birth until I was at least 43, if not 44 yrs old at the earliest.

I was afraid of the birth defects the baby could suffer, not to mention the medical risks to myself. I have blood pressure issues that I need to be on medication for. My mental state is not always the greatest either. In any event, any number of medical complications could arise. For a weekend I considered giving in and trying for a year to get pregnant but then I realized the harsh reality....my husband did not love me for who I truly was as a person. I know it would have been a mistake for me to go ahead and have a family with him. I knew that then and I know it now. It is not for me to raise a family, and in my heart and soul I have known that for many years.

I had thought I wanted children while my husband and I dated. Two weeks after the wedding I changed my mind and broke his heart. I was 26 then, and my mind never changed back to wanting children. He chose to stay with me out of "love" so he says, but the need for him to have his own family in the end was too great. The love he had for me had lessened through the years because he was not getting out of me what he wanted, even though for a long time he agreed with me that being child free was the best thing for both of us as a couple.

I don't think men change. If a man wants kids he always will, even if he distracts himself with other things for a time. You need to be true to yourself. If it does not feel right in your gut and in your heart, then it is NOT right for you. Your inner voice is your guide to who you truly are and what you can handle. If you do something as serious as this for someone else just to keep them around, it will only make your life very hard and unhappy. As difficult as it was to go through a divorce, there is no way I could have handled raising children, as much as I thought I could handle it when I had my weekend of weakness, trying to come up with the solution to keep my husband in my life by giving him a baby. I know he wanted all the kodak moments, but I know I would have been the one to shoulder most of the burden though.

So we move on....

On a side note.....my insane 40 yr old ex-husband who obviously cheated on me before we divorced is going to marry someone else this year who is 47 yrs old and has three kids of her own....two in college and one who is 14. I can't even imagine her having a baby at her age just to please him. I at least can say that there is no reason for me to be jealous of her. Had he chosen someone pretty and much younger maybe I would be jealous. This new woman is neither.

Cassie that was a great post. That's one reason why I love this site, - to get a sensible, realistic point of view from others going through the same dilemmas.

Virgogirl. if you're undecided re the kids issue, you have to ask yourself those serious questions.
- would it be really that bad if you had a child ?
- could you see yourself enjoying the process of bringing up your child ?
- how do you think your husband would be re helping with the upbringing ?
- would it affect your job / finances to such an extent that you feel it would be impossible to raise your child ?
- Do you get excited AT ALL at the thought of having a child ?

It's ok to be frightened of the new commitment, and the thought of childbirth, it's the rest of it - the life long upbringing that needs to be addressed.

Plus it's ok to change your mind, and decide to become a mother, the big issue is are you on the same page as your hubby.
I agree with Cassie, if he wants one, nothing will change his mind, and it could lead to resentment and problems in the future , because as he gets older his desire and lack of fulfillment regarding this issue will increase.

There's no right or wrong answer, just what is best for you.
Don't worry too much about the age thing, you only have one life, and doing something you feel is right for you at this moment shouldn't put you off ( just another thing to consider in all of these complex life issues ! )

try to find a quiet calm location and relax, then think through all the issues, and I'm sure you'll find the answer after careful thought and consideration.
sending warm hug .

I've been thinking about your situation for some reason. You really need to weigh the pros and cons for yourself...literally write a list. Another thing that I read and found really valuable is to stop yourself once each hour and picture how that hour would or could be different if you were a parent. Everything from breakfast,lunch, dinner, your job or school, your hobbies, your time with your husband, the weekends, vacations, etc.

The tough thing is when two people disagree on such a thing resentment is almost inevitable. If he gives in and goes with what you want then he may be resentful and the same with you if you get pregnant for another person you may harbor that same resentment. Maybe there is a compromise like maybe he can volunteer with underpriveledged kids or something. I hope everything works out!

Cassi, So sorry to hear about those struggles. Sad to say, my fears are your reality. My husband swears that he can go either way, with or without kids. Seeing how upset he can get at them, tells me he has his doubts too. But his own guilt,of not wanting them, will call me 'selfish' if I bring up the idea of giving up fostering. I do have the fear of him finding someone else that has kids already, but I can't end my marriage on the 'thought' of it. I guess only time will tell. I will continue to pray for the right direction, and see where God leads us. Hopefully we'll do the right thing for everyone envolved. VirgoGirl, stay strong in your beliefs, and just find other things that you and your husband can enjoy together. You can still have a fullfilling life together without kids. He can just be a great Uncle to his nephews/nieces, or be a great "Big Brother", in the big brother/sister program. That's a great way to pass on his beliefs, and teachings to children that really need a good adult roll model in their lives, without interrupting your own lives together. good luck, Hope