BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Everyone is having kids except me ...

... at least that how it feels lately. Girls I work with are pregnant or on maternity leave, bro-in-law and sister-in-law just had a boy, and college friends are having their having second or third child. I feel isolated at times and angry. I just cannot relate with their joy and excitement, which makes me feel terrible. I don't want to end up like some of the women I've met who never had children: overbearing, over-opinionated, judgmental and annoying. But, I have never wanted to be pregnant, go through childbirth (it's so disgusting to me) and raise another human in this already crowded world. Lastly, I feel like I'm somehow letting my husband down, although he would adamantly disagree. He says it "really doesn't matter" to him whether or not he ever has kids. Has anyone out there ever felt this way?

You are experiencing the worst period - when all around you are having kids, and it leads to that horrible left out feeling.
Even when you know it's not what you want, society looks to you to do what everyone else is doing, and questions why you don't join in.

I'm sure like everyone on this site, I've felt that lurch in my stomach when I'm waiting for the repetitive comments, some negative, some curious, as to why I've not got a child of my own, but it does get easier in time.

I have met some child free men and women too, who you talk about - the overbearing, over opinionated,- but I've met alot worse types from parents.

It sounds like you've got a great hubby, and if I was you I wouldn't bring up the topic too much - other than to rejoice in your lifestyle choice, and enjoy the benefits of not having kids in your home.
hang in, it does get easier in time.

Just because you choose not to have children, doesn't diminish the quality of life you live.

People having kids left and right as well as weddings, and so often it's around the time of Spring, I don't know if you've noticed, but it's kind of like buying a Big Mac when there are billboards all over the place encouraging you to get on board (no pun).

When all of my friends were getting pregnant, I waited until later 28/29. But I used to tell them while they were giddy with catalogs and getting their husbands to drive 45 miles just to get them their favorite cookie from the bakery 7 zip codes to the North...

You only get 9 free-bee months, where the worst thing you have to worry about and even then not until later months, is feeling heavy, tired and finding a bathroom.

They don't stay "cute" forever. You're raising a full-grown human being inside there. God just couldn't figure out how to stuff the entirely assembled one way up inside there so it's a pay as you go kind of thing.

Having kids is a real endeavor. And, it is beautiful and exciting and a love bonding that isn't sometihng you might experience otherwise, when it's a child of your own, but I'd say 90% of the people having kids turn having kids into, "It's all about me..."

No it's not. It's really all about them, not decorating and parties, shopping and pampering yourself.

Sooner or later after the thrill of it all wears off it begins to sink in how much of a truth that really is. It's kind of like why puppies and kittens are great when people want them for a birthday or Christmas gift, but when they grow up and the responsibilities kick in, somehow the enthusiasm isn't quite what it used to be. It's hard.

It does get better! Things are hardest in your twenties and thirties, but eventually kids start leaving home or getting involved with their own lives and activities then over-involved parents have to learn to have a life of their own again. Some are devastated when their kids grow up and move on and never recover.

So, life is painful for people with and without kids! Still, it is very, very hard when it seems everyone is having kids and all activities revolve around kids. It helps to find people who are interested in other things, even if they are parents! Taking classes, getting involved with arts or other special-interest organizations are great ways to meet people who have strong interests outside the world of kids, kids, kids.

Thanks very much for taking the time to share your words of encouragement and for helping me put things into perspective. It's just what I needed right now, especially from individuals who don't even know me! Thanks again.

I'm in the same boat. No kids and ever one of our coupled-friends has at least one child. Even most of the people I work with have children and grandchildren. I get questions of when my husband and I are going to have kids because, of course, we don't want to disappoint any potential grandparents. It was hard at first. I've learned to kick the comment to the curb. I'll admit that lots of the questioning bothered me - especially the personal ones: Well are you and your husband trying to conceive? Are you "practicing" enough? Yeah, that was pretty much the last straw. I started being a little rude to people about it and they stopped asking. Every now and then I get the question and I reply with something like, "We may or may not have kids. If we don't, oh well."

After being married for almost 8 years, I've learned a great deal about men - and the two most enlightening things I've learned:
1. When you ask him what he's thinking about, and he says "Nothing.", he really means nothing. I have a very active mind and a vivid imagination, so I was unable to grasp how someone could just let their mind go blank like that.
2. Men usually say what they mean. If he says he's not bothered, then most likely, he's not.
I've had to explain to my husband that I don't attempt to read minds. Other people's feelings are often a mystery to me - I can never really remember *wanting* to learn how to read people's faces and their emotions. I just never had an interest in it. So, hubby and I are often quite candid with one another - we'll say precisely what we're thinking, what we want, etc. This goes even for intimacy - I tend to be oblivious to flirting, so he has to tell me that he's flirting. I know that might take some of the romance out of it, but that's what works best for us.
When I told my husband before we got married that I didn't want kids, never ever, he was a bit confused at first - he didn't even know it was an option! He's accepted the CF lifestyle with gusto - he even said that the best gift he ever gave to himself was his vasectomy!
I'm 27, at an age where my female friends are getting pregnant left right and center. I too find pregnancy disgusting, so I don't have much to do with that friend during the pregnancy. I'm really not interested in pregnancy problems, nor can I commiserate with her.
I also want to say that I grew up around opinionated, judgmental, and overbearing women in both sides of my extended family. ALL were mothers. Those traits aren't exclusive to the CF, my dear.
A few months ago, a friend of mine, an 82-yr-old woman told me that I was too old to have kids anyway. Just for a recap, I'm 27. Made me laugh inside.
What I suggest is that you make friends with some older people- people in their late 40's+, whose children have already left the nest. I have quite a few adopted mothers now, because of this strategy.
Good luck. Don't beat yourself up about it - this too shall pass.

You Beautiful Ladies how no idea how much of a God-Send this forum, and this thread in particular are for me today. As of this morning, thanks to Facebook, I can now count 4 friends who are expecting ... and one of my "besties" told me last week that she is no longer perventing. I am standing firm in my CF Decision but I am feeling lately that my hormones and Clock are working against me. I think I'm stuck in the "peer pressure" state right now. I really didn't think I would find anything helpful when I Googled "Don't Want Kids" but I am SOOO thankful I found this forum!! It's so comforting to know I'm not alone. To know that my BF/Husband (we've been together for 6 yrs ... not having a wedding to save $$) and our decision to not have kids is not alien or selfish or mean. I was the oldest of 5 children (the 4 younger are a lot younger than me) in a very Catholic family. I was very, very active in the upbringing of my siblings and so I like to say I've been through the parenting thing already. I'm in no rush to get back to it. But because of the Catholic part and being raised to "be a wife and mother", I thought I was odd or mean to not want my own. I sometimes explain it to friends like this, "I would like to experience pregnancy but I don't want the whole keep the baby at the end thing" :) My Husband was the one who enlightened me to this lifestyle. He was adament when we went that he didn't, never ever, want kids. When I "joke" about having them now, he gets very serious. Yes, I have to admit that there will always be a part of me that would want to experience parenting, but the part of me that likes my quiet home, the ability to just take off on a last minute vacation, and the desire and drive to have a good job and be debt free, overrides that tiny desire. Being with him also overrides that desire. I had one friend ask if I would consider either giving him an ultimatum or leaving him to have a kid. WOW! Really? That's another thing some friends don't get ... how I can kinda want the kid experience, but not enough to leave my husband. I am turning 30 nxt year and my "favourite" statements from friends trying to persuade me to reproduce is "You know, its proven that there is a drastic increase in birth defects and pregnancy issues if you are over 30 having your first" or "You know, it can be harder to conceive if you wait until you are over 30?" ... the last friend who said this got in return, "THanks for telling me I'm old and my ovaries are drying up!". He has since stopped asking! Sorry for the mini rant / vent session above. It's just so great to know there is a place to share how I feel. mlo ... feel free to share more of what you are going through. I'm probably experiencing the same things right now. You are not alone Sista!

geez. Well it's cool that you were taught about this option by your husband. I can't believe that a friend asked you about giving your husband an ultimatum; give me a child or I'm leaving harsh! lol. Anyway, your friends are right about the decrease in fertility and the increase of birth defects after 30. Either way, you have to do what feels right to YOU. It's YOU after all who has to live your life. I'm continually amazed by those who put pressure on friends or family to do things like have children, etc. The people putting the pressure on their loved ones will for the most part not be taking any of the responsibility and therefore have no right to apply such pressure.