BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce What do you think causes divorces?

Separating actually can be a wonderful tool. Sometimes something is so close you can't see it, or it gets taken for granted or there's growing that needs to be done that can't be while two people are in the same proximity.

My husband told me, "I hate it when you let me do something I think I want to do or worse tell me to go ahead and do it. The thrill isn't quite the same as feeling you can't do it and secretly want to do it anyway."

LOL, I know there's sense in that message somewhere, but seems like a male-psyche, cryptic sandscroll message.

What I've come to realize is, life is a forward movement, a creative breathing life force.

If you happen to be with someone who can't either "see you" or care enough to do something about what's missing or worse blames you for what's wrong (boredom or lack of connection, not cheating) then broaden your horizens.

Even if it wasn't something you planned on doing in the first place, what's more real? Fixing or chasing after someone who has no enthusiasm whatsoever with you or opening yourself up to people who are and care naturally?

You can't find either while you stay where you're at.

Oh, the comfort eating. Boy is that a nasty catch 22. You snack to give yourself some type of pleasure/comfort and ends up a double lot line on your backside!

I've been married and divorced. Before divorce hit, I would always come to the table with the problem first. I wouldn't just sneek around getting even.

However, when no amount of conversation works you're pretty much left with finally having to just do right by yourself.

I gave my heart openly, I supported, etc. And he'd tout being a great guy...like he says, "I AM a great guy!!!"

I'm like, "Kkkkkkk...so you're a great guy to all of your minions out there, hop out of bed as soon as one of them calls, but with your own wife, I'm going to have to go with a big, nnnneeeeeeeeeoooooowwwwwwww."

Hey Elleise, now I look at the man without the famous "rose colored" glasses. Getting too old for the waste of time (lol). After the romance wears off, I have to deal with him Now I tell my 24 year old daughter about this, don't want her going through unnecessary "drama" - that could have been prevented.

I wonder, is it really even something that can be explained? I hate those rose-colored glasses! When they find you, you almost need wire-cutters to get them off, lol.

Romance should be a 2-way street. It seems it would work better that way. It gets kind of tiring if you're the one who always has to keep a relationship exciting and hopeful or the one that's giving all the time.

I do this thing. No matter how long a relationship might be, as long as it isn't an unhealthy relationship, I take a quick millisecond glance to a possible future with the person gone, like a what if they didn't come home one day. I never take a relationshihp for granted but this makes me appreciate the time we have in a whole new and creative light.

So true Elleise. I now function on the belief that nothing is guaranteed = he may leave me or drop dead or he may go old with me Either way, I am going to be okay as I now keep some stuff in MY NAME only - goes to my daughter's address and ALL goes to her if I drop dead (lol). Gone are the days when I focused entirely on the man. Yes, I have a good one - but I still have "flashbacks"

The bottom line is to take it one day at a time while working on your life as well. I am reading "Practicial Miracles for Mars & Venus" by John Gray, Ph.D - have you read any of his books?

Well, I am so glad I checked it out yesterday from the library as I needed to get back into my ME routine when I had my own place. I also needed some HOPE that these 7 months of ADJUSTING (lol) will pass. The bottom line is that when we as women look to the man for stuff we should be doing for ourselves, we end up hurt and disappointed.

Now I am working on the trust area as he is a very handsome man and I could write several books on my past experience with the cheating

Talk later,

I've read Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. I'm not sure if that's the same guy but it's certainly a fine line to walk when you're strong, self-sufficient or protect yourself with distance.

I know I'm different now, but I know I can be too independant sometimes emotionally. I think that can in itself put distance in a relationship that has to be balanced with a softer side. BUT, too dependant on someone else to make you happy or whatever it is you need, if it's someone or something else providing it other than yourself, it's going to be painful if for some reason someday, it's no longer there.

Do you ever find yourself being a comittment phobe or with one?

I'm happily single. But from what I observe I think you can start with three I's:

Infidelity: Being unfaithful to your partner.

Incompatibility: Not sharing the same "wavelength" of thought or emotions with your partner. (Or not backing up your spouse when punishing the kids, for example).

Inattention: Treating your partner with too little attention, respect, or taking them for granted.

I'd say this covers a lot of the reasons you see folks in Divorce Courts and hear their stories. For what it's worth. (shrug)