Hi Everyone:

What do you think causes divorces?

I think the recession is not helping at all as more and more folks now have "finances" as an ADDED stress.

You thoughts?

Thanks,

Finances are a big one but sometimes just getting involved with the wrong person and not listening to your gut instinct about that person not being a very good match for you. Women have a hard time with this.

Hi Monica:

Even with being with the right person, I have been hearing a lot of folks just going their separate ways due to one getting "laid off"...

And to be honest, I tend to agree as I know it is hard to find that LOVE when one is either homeless or hungry

Great input as usual - thanks!

Money is a big factor in a relationship and having money problems adds to the stress and can be hard to fix. I do that it an be a big factor in divorce. You become unhappy and start drifting. Its very important to know how to communicate.

After a 19 yr relationship, 16 yrs of which were married, my divorce was due to my husband wanting to have children and I did not. For years he told me he accepted the fact that I changed my mind about having children early in the marriage, but in the end he was lying to himself and to me. He could not accept not having his own family, so he chose to end the marriage.

Hi WhumOwens - not too sure what is going on with your post. Hmmm, is this SPAM? I hope not. If it is not, welcome to the forum

Hi Marky - welcome to the forum and thanks for stopping by and sharing with us

Hi Cassie67 - so sorry to hear about what you went through. We are ALWAYS here for you

Bye for now,

I think for the same reason people get married in the first place - people have wants, needs, dreams etc... I know that is really vague and to me it is suppose to be since there are many reasons in the end people chose to leave one another.

My first husband, because he cheated on me.

My second husband because he wanted to live somewhere else and kept wanting me to move. We're back together now, but quickly headed back to the point that separated us in the first place, now it would be him moving with his mom. I think wnat is scary about it is the first time, I was heart broken, this time, I already know I will be ok. I'll smile, kiss him and wish him all the best. Weird isn't it?

If two people have married for the right reasons - they can't see a life more fulfilling/enjoyable with anyone else but the person they wanted to marry...

Break down of communication. That's it.

Arguements, infidelity, loneliness, whatever life throws at you, etc. Before any of these things happen, there's communication.

There's nothing worse than being a MSP - "Married Single Person."

If your partner comes to you (the other half) of a relationship, and takes the time to talk, listening and actually taking it in, can prevent a great deal of the misunderstandings that end up leading to more distructive and difficult things to rebound from.

Great points Elleise!!! I'm not even sure we are that MSP. We talk, we listen but sometimes it just wasnt't meant to be.

Neither time did my 2nd husband and I separate because we didn't get along. I know that sounds funny, but even after separating the 1st time, we remained the best of friends, calling each other and visiting each other. I definitely agree with your points though!

Separating actually can be a wonderful tool. Sometimes something is so close you can't see it, or it gets taken for granted or there's growing that needs to be done that can't be while two people are in the same proximity.

My husband told me, "I hate it when you let me do something I think I want to do or worse tell me to go ahead and do it. The thrill isn't quite the same as feeling you can't do it and secretly want to do it anyway."

LOL, I know there's sense in that message somewhere, but seems like a male-psyche, cryptic sandscroll message.

The only issue I have had in the past is the "back & forth" (lol). If I do leave this time around, I have to STAY AWAY. Personally, it only gets worst as I feel the 1st year should be the time to "figure" out stuff. If year #2 rolls around the SAME stuff is still in my face - then either I LIVE with it or LEAVE it alone. Easier said than done of course, but at age 52 (soon to be 53), my time is running out and I am so over "starting" over. And there are times that I miss not having to live with a MAN Girls, I miss him when I was not with him, but theres 6 months of "combining" households (moved out of my apt into his house) has been a challenge. But we are getting used to sharing Thank you SO MUCH everyone for stopping by and sharing. This is what makes this forum so AWESOME...

What I've come to realize is, life is a forward movement, a creative breathing life force.

If you happen to be with someone who can't either "see you" or care enough to do something about what's missing or worse blames you for what's wrong (boredom or lack of connection, not cheating) then broaden your horizens.

Even if it wasn't something you planned on doing in the first place, what's more real? Fixing or chasing after someone who has no enthusiasm whatsoever with you or opening yourself up to people who are and care naturally?

You can't find either while you stay where you're at.

Yep Elleise, I agree and as I age have learn't to "guard" my emotions even when things seem to be working. Too many times I looked to the man to make me feel whole and when he did not do as I expected him to, ended up unhappy. With me now feeling secure in myself, yes I do experience some emotion when things don't work out - but I don't stay in the bed and eat like I use to (lol). Yikes, went up to 200 pounds one time, now maintaining in my 130's. Nope, not going back there

Oh, the comfort eating. Boy is that a nasty catch 22. You snack to give yourself some type of pleasure/comfort and ends up a double lot line on your backside!

I've been married and divorced. Before divorce hit, I would always come to the table with the problem first. I wouldn't just sneek around getting even.

However, when no amount of conversation works you're pretty much left with finally having to just do right by yourself.

I gave my heart openly, I supported, etc. And he'd tout being a great guy...like he says, "I AM a great guy!!!"

I'm like, "Kkkkkkk...so you're a great guy to all of your minions out there, hop out of bed as soon as one of them calls, but with your own wife, I'm going to have to go with a big, nnnneeeeeeeeeoooooowwwwwwww."

Hey Elleise, now I look at the man without the famous "rose colored" glasses. Getting too old for the waste of time (lol). After the romance wears off, I have to deal with him Now I tell my 24 year old daughter about this, don't want her going through unnecessary "drama" - that could have been prevented.

I wonder, is it really even something that can be explained? I hate those rose-colored glasses! When they find you, you almost need wire-cutters to get them off, lol.

Romance should be a 2-way street. It seems it would work better that way. It gets kind of tiring if you're the one who always has to keep a relationship exciting and hopeful or the one that's giving all the time.

I do this thing. No matter how long a relationship might be, as long as it isn't an unhealthy relationship, I take a quick millisecond glance to a possible future with the person gone, like a what if they didn't come home one day. I never take a relationshihp for granted but this makes me appreciate the time we have in a whole new and creative light.

So true Elleise. I now function on the belief that nothing is guaranteed = he may leave me or drop dead or he may go old with me Either way, I am going to be okay as I now keep some stuff in MY NAME only - goes to my daughter's address and ALL goes to her if I drop dead (lol). Gone are the days when I focused entirely on the man. Yes, I have a good one - but I still have "flashbacks"

The bottom line is to take it one day at a time while working on your life as well. I am reading "Practicial Miracles for Mars & Venus" by John Gray, Ph.D - have you read any of his books?

Well, I am so glad I checked it out yesterday from the library as I needed to get back into my ME routine when I had my own place. I also needed some HOPE that these 7 months of ADJUSTING (lol) will pass. The bottom line is that when we as women look to the man for stuff we should be doing for ourselves, we end up hurt and disappointed.

Now I am working on the trust area as he is a very handsome man and I could write several books on my past experience with the cheating

Talk later,

I've read Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. I'm not sure if that's the same guy but it's certainly a fine line to walk when you're strong, self-sufficient or protect yourself with distance.

I know I'm different now, but I know I can be too independant sometimes emotionally. I think that can in itself put distance in a relationship that has to be balanced with a softer side. BUT, too dependant on someone else to make you happy or whatever it is you need, if it's someone or something else providing it other than yourself, it's going to be painful if for some reason someday, it's no longer there.

Do you ever find yourself being a comittment phobe or with one?

I'm happily single. But from what I observe I think you can start with three I's:

Infidelity: Being unfaithful to your partner.

Incompatibility: Not sharing the same "wavelength" of thought or emotions with your partner. (Or not backing up your spouse when punishing the kids, for example).

Inattention: Treating your partner with too little attention, respect, or taking them for granted.

I'd say this covers a lot of the reasons you see folks in Divorce Courts and hear their stories. For what it's worth. (shrug)

I'd say those are about perfect.

I remember being so TERRIFIED of being married, for a number of reasons, but basically I was content, self-sufficient and loved meeting new people. I hate routine.

After awhile I began questioning myself though. I always look under my own stones and don't really want to be my own think-tank.

The bulk of why I didn't want to get married was because every single marriage I ran into 4-7 years later was in shambles, like is this all there is, even if they didn't come right out and say it publically, if we were talking, they weren't content in the relationship.

I couldn't understand why if you cherish something as soon as you get married, is that something that is taken for granted?

I could understand if you left a marriage due to marrying the wrong person. These days there doesn't seem to be a lot of thought preparing but for weddings and honeymoons.

But to stay in a marriage and go back and forth or from person to person, that seems more like instant gratification and if that's all your partner's worth, your partner can do better.

Yep, it is the same guy. And yep, both my boyfriend and myself are one of those But I am happy to say that we are finally getting it all figured out as we have come to realize that being in our 50's, we are with each other because we WANT to be and not because we NEED to be. That helps alot!

You are so right

I was so shocked to hear that Arnold and Marie Shriver are separating!!!! Needless to say I had to really REMIND myself that you have to keep things NEW. By this I mean, we get into a routine = boredom sets in and life gets in the way of the relationship. You have to have a life of your own too. You cannot be joined to the hips all the time

People expect everything to be honey and roses and can't handle the bumps. We have low expectations so that is exactly what happens. If you know you are in a marriage for the long haul, then it has a chance of happening.

Does anyone know what happened with Arnold & Marie Shriver? I don't keep up on the media these days, so I missed out on that if they said.

I think the cause of divorce is very different. Some couple divorce because of the lack of money.Some couple divorce because of improper behavior. The rest divorce because of the going away of feelings.In a word, a couple have to spend much time and energy to manage their marriage. They should be loyal to each other. They should also respect and believe each other.Marriage really needs wisdom.

I agree.

It's one thing to plan a wedding, travel abroad, wine and dine (not that those things aren't fun) but they aren't infinite. And when those things wind down and what you have are just the two of you.

Unless you really care enough to view eachother as something rare and lucky enough to have, once the extra activities of excitement wear off, there's not likely to be a whole lot left over.

I have a very HARD time with the "trusting" issue due to being betrayed so many times in the past.

Hey, what is your take on dating someone that likes to watch porn? Or claims he is just looking at the hookup sites like match.com?

Thanks,

Not being honest about how you feel will kill a relationship! Communication is everything. My sweety and I are still high school sweethearts and we've been together 21 years this September. One cute tip we have--if you're well and truly angry, fight naked! Either:
1.You or your honey is mesmerized by all that body and can't speak so you both win the argument.
2. You both start trying to yell, but let's face it--attraction happens and you have great make up nookie.
3. How do you take anyone seriously if all their body parts are hanging out?!

Hi great_grandaughter, if you don't mind my asking, how long have you guys been involved? Love your post

[quote=Elleise - Clairvoyance]If two people have married for the right reasons - they can't see a life more fulfilling/enjoyable with anyone else but the person they wanted to marry... [b]Break down of communication[/b]. That's it. Arguements, infidelity, loneliness, whatever life throws at you, etc. Before any of these things happen, there's communication. There's nothing worse than being a MSP - "Married Single Person." If your partner comes to you (the other half) of a relationship, and takes the time to talk, listening and actually taking it in, can prevent a great deal of the misunderstandings that end up leading to more distructive and difficult things to rebound from. [/quote] Wow. Took the words right out of my mouth!

Juniehyatt,

Thanks for that, you know - the common sense thing can a lot of times get a lot of flack!

It really is common sense, though.

It's not a fight, it's just look left - there's (gosh) a left. It's not an opinion, it just is. Look right, a right.

You kind of have to go back...you really do, both sides, when you weren't so ps'd off.

For me, lol, ok, it was when I spent my afternoons under a bridge. I've been made fun of by being called a "Troll", lol.

But, I was about 15 and everything made sense. Ego, outside of that with other people, didn't make sense, so I liked my nature and bridge I guess.

I wasn't defiant or homeless, but instead of going with whatever trend was in, I was skipping rocks, catching frogs and each afternoon watching how minoes took their course. It all made sense.

Now, these days, you throw in anger, whatever the cause, we get a bit less focused every thought we make, even if it's in good intention.

Step back, shake it off and remember back to a time you thought clearly, contently, then go back and reassess.

If something or someone you love comes to you - I can't think of anything a human being should want to listen to more

What causes divorce???

I always thought the answer to that question is MARRIAGE!

I think divorce has many reasons. We can't just segregate it into one or two reasons. A couple may decide to separate due to differences between them, lack of communication, misunderstandings or monetary reasons. But they can sort that out if they want to. But if they are just not interested in maintaining their relationship, then a divorce is inevitable.

Cheating
Money
Alcohol
Drugs

Forgetting to appreciate, reinvent the efforts of celebrating who you are with, giving up basically and focusing pretty much only on yourself...

All of that opens doors, furthering and furthering distractions that can pulverize not only marriage but any relationship in general.

The littlest thing like a look - even easier, just caring, something that's all that's needed to put the spice back into things..you know that smile just because kind of thing

Marriage

What causes divorce is a very loaded question. The answers are like grains of sand on a beach. Perhaps, if you ask yourself what causes marriage you might find the answer to the question. Is it love, fear, the need for sex, friendship, or something more. There is no short answer to your question. I guess there are major and minor reasons. The major reasons like Cheating, Money, Alcohol, Drugs could have been brought about by the minor or secondary reasons: (which are serious and major in there own right)differences between them, lack of communication, misunderstandings,changes in maturity, kids growing up and suddenly finding out that their married to a stranger. God knows, there are times that I wished I never got married and there are times that I would give almost anything to be in love again. I can look in the mirror and come to the conclusion that perhaps I shouldn't get into a serious relationship ever again. Falling in love according to the so called experts causes chemical reactions to take place in side the brain and body. ( no kidding LOL) We all could agree that it is an fantastic high. Divorce is the severe withdraws. But to give you the reasons...lack of communication....lack of commitment....lack of treating your spouse as your lover..ie taking them for granted and thus not keeping your relationship alive.

In my opinion you've hit it spot on!

Small things, the little things kind of like cleaning the house, can get out of control and lead to larger issues and of those issues begets results or actions/reactions, from even there.

I believe the Spirit is ageless. Because of this it has the ability to fall in love regardless of age and circumstance.

Depending, in my view, the perspective of the mental and physical, the heart and the spirit can create in ways the physical and mental, alone, deem limited

That's just what I think anyway...

Yes i agree with all the postings, all these cause divorces and then some the question is what can we do to prevent a divorce? I believe communication is an important key, by talking things out things can be smoothed, some may say "too much communication" is bad but think of a world without talking!

Yes,

Sometimes, if you talk, talk, talk, like beating a dead horse, that can be bad/negative to an outcome - no balance.

But there's a lot to be said about quiet moments where you can just "get it" and maybe do the appropriate thing.

I don't think, as human beings, ya of spirit, but you're in a physical world and there are stresses that go along with that, but when it comes to love, I don't think a lot of times people grasp the little things.

They don't cost a lot of money, but you know even in the food service industry a polite smile can travel just as far if not further than a curt customer - same goes for relationships.