Amber.....of course the guilt was all on me. And don't think that I didn't feel that guilt for a very long time when I knew the marriage was going to end.....all because of ME and what I would not do for my husband. There are exceptions to this I am sure, but more often than not, men feel no guilt over anything. And when they move on, they drop you like a hot potato without a second thought. We women, the more compassionate of the genders, are the ones who feel the intense pain of guilt and loss.
It is not fair, you are right, but it is what it is. It sure would be nice to be loved unconditionally for who we are as people, as women, as the women that these men married because they admired us. Nowhere is there a guarantee set in the marriage vows for having children. What if my husband and I were physically unable to have children, and we did not have the means for adoption, etc. Does that mean I am a bad person and he should divorce me because he really wanted a family and I could not provide it? What happened to the partnership in the first place? All the years we spent through thick and thin, all the history.....
I think my ex-husband believes the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. His friends seem to be having a better life than he is, and they seem to be having a better time in general than he is with their kids, trips, boats, fancy cars, etc. He always wants what he does not have.....he can't just be happy with the good things he does already have.....he had a loving and faithful wife (he was not faithful to me) and he dumped me.....he had two dogs that loved him and he dumped them too.
Amber, I am not sure that I handled everything about the breakup the way I should have, but at least I can live with myself. Foolishly I did not rake him over the coals like I should have financially in court. I thought he was going to live alone for a while and I knew his debt load. I did not ask for much alimony because I didn't want him to have no way to feed himself and the two dogs. I was compassionate until the end, and of course I suffer for it now.
He moved his girlfriend into the house the minute I was out last summer, and before Thanksgiving they were engaged. I was wrong to worry about his financial state after I was gone. He makes about 90K a year and she makes about 50K. I am unemployed, looking for work, and living on next to nothing. These two are renovating my house, going on fancy trips, throwing parties.......you name it.
It sometimes galls me that I supported my ex-husband through 8 years of night school (he did work, but there were a lot of other responsibilities I attended to, not to mention the hot meal he had every night) so he could make a big, fat paycheck now, and I reap no benefit from my sacrifice all those years. I was too kind through it all, but it is just who I am. I don't know how to be mean and cold like my ex-husband has turned out to be.
Well, life goes on. Financially I am at poverty level, but mentally and emotionally I am in a better place. I will survive somehow.
One thing I do know for certain, I won't get into another relationship with a man again if for some reason my boyfriend and I break up. I love him dearly, but I know he is getting all that I have left to give. I went through two marriages (I was only 22 the first time and it lasted only 2 years....I didn't know that my first husband was an alcoholic), and now this relationship where I give as much as I can. I love my boyfriend but I only have so much left to give.
I am not the same person I used to be. I feel drained. I can't go through the process of love and loss again. I met my boyfriend by accident and I do think it was meant to be. I hope it will last, but if it does not I just can't do it again. At almost 44 years old I am tapped out. Being with a man and giving all I can just to be rejected takes too much out of me. I will stay positive but realistic.
