BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids He wants kids: What to expect if you stay

A lot of people have made it clear that, yes, sometimes the husbands put their needs before their wives. I think men see this issue differently because they don't actually have to carry and birth the child. All they have to do is shoot a load and they've done their part to procreate.

They have NO idea, how scary the concept of child bearing can be to some of us. Why we feel that need to stay far far FAR away from children, becuase truth be told, women have to do a majority of the work. Carrying it, birthing it, dealing with the midnight cries for food or a diaper change, the constant noise, discipline, and the like. The mother is usually the villain and the father is usually the good guy.

So for men, it's a simple concept, an easy way to have his family name carried on and his genes. For women, it's a whole lot of work and effort into something that we just don't want to deal with in the first place.

This is just observation on my end, not all men are like that obviously, and not all women are like us either. Just seems like a majority of men seem to feel this way at least the majority I've met.

Jennifer B.- You have summed up exactly how I feel. No matter how much the guy wants to help, there is not much for him to do. Pregnancy, child birth, and most childcare are things only a woman can do. I have researched pregnancy, child birth, and childcare issues and, at this current time, have decided that I am not interested as much of the work will be on my shoulders and it will impact my life and career the most. I discuss this information with my boyfriend but he doesn't say much in return. I guess I don't know what there is to say in rebuttle to the information. Today is one of those days where everywhere I go, children are present and the fact that I am undecided, makes being in their presence hard to do. Inside I start freaking out,but I also remember that kids are a choice. Men never will have to have the stress of child rearing like women do.

This is SO off topic, but I thought it was the best place to update you ladies, seeing as the conversation started here on this thread.

Just letting you know that my boyfriend made it home from the hospital after 6 1/2 weeks. We had him home for Christmas and he has been steadily recovering. He is not at 100% yet as far as his energy level, but he has made great strides. He gets out and about, drives, sees friends, does errands, and otherwise almost has his life back to normal. It is a blessing to have him back after such an ordeal.

Thank you for all of your kind thoughts and prayers. We all pulled for him and it really made a difference.

Another update for the ladies who followed my story last year when I was getting divorced because my husband wanted children and I did not.....

I hope you remember that I had two dogs I raised pretty much on my own while I was married, but the dogs were supposed to be my ex-husband's dogs (of course I fell in love with them). He didn't do much of the work but wanted the Kodak moments.....kind of like how a lot of men view the issue of raising kids. He got custody of the dogs due to the divorce.

His 47 yr old girlfriend who is now his fiance moved right in after I left the house last summer, and she promised him a baby. Not only that, she brought in her two dogs into an already small house with my two dogs, and her 14 yr old son (she has two other grown kids in college). They also got a new puppy this year, so that brought the dog count to 5. Totally insane for two supposedly "mature" adults.

I had monthly visitation with my dogs because I loved them so much, which miss "fiance" hated. More than once they tried to pressure me into giving up my visitation rights. Evidently life is too chaotic now for them and they really wanted me gone, so my ex-husband offered me my dogs because I have first right of refusal. He said he was looking to place them in another home because there was "so much going on", "the living space is too constraining for them", and there is too much "stress around my visitation" (which is another story altogether, but I can assure you that I was NOT the one causing the stress).

Sad for my two dogs because they lived with him for three years and that was "their" house. They really loved him and he supposedly loved them. Evidently his fiance's dogs are more important than the two dogs that were his own, and surprisingly there was enough space for getting a new puppy this year. Of course I took my dogs when they were offered to me. I am happy and so are the dogs. At least I know now that they will always be well taken care of, and given the time and attention they deserve.

Some questions I'd like to ask my ex-husband.........

If you do have that "baby" you were promised, what will you do when things become inconvenient and you don't have all the space you'd like? Are you going to try to place this child at 3 years old into another home? If you can't even take care of a dog and make a lifelong commitment to it, what makes you think you are ready to have a baby?

Congrats on finally having your dogs placed in the home they should have been placed in the first place..yours...and so glad your boyfriend is doing well.

Your ex's house sounds like a bad situation for all involved...just sit back, love on your dogs, and thank your lucky stars you got out when you did...and more importantly, that you didn't give him a baby he could get tired of like he did your dogs.

My thoughts exactly, swearbear. I am so much happier having my dogs back in my daily life. I had missed them terribly. My list of chores has gone up thanks to my dogs, but they are well worth it. It is my belief that if you take in an animal you commit to it for life.

I am happy with my sweet and loving boyfriend, my two dogs, and NO KIDS. It sure would have been a mistake to have had a baby with my immature and spineless ex-husband.

Nothing is perfect, but life goes on and it is good. I feel happier than I have in years. Sometimes the despair we feel when big changes happen in our lives is really just a stepping stone to the blessing in disguise coming our way.

hey, cassie. i wanted to congratulate you on your courage to remain true to yourself and moving forward. I'm glad to see that you were open to meeting a new man and hope he turns out to be your true soul mate. I've heard a story or two about women who stay and give in and the end result would have surely been resentfulness, as well as a feeling of selling out from your true self.

I'm sorry, I know it's hard, and people change, and though our ideals and desires change sometimes, why do you have to give in to someone just because THEY change? I never understood this. I have been in two relationships where the male either lied about wanting kids, or changed his mind. Yes it was hard, but no amount of pleading on their part has ever made me reconsider. I KNOW I am not fit to be a mom. I KNOW that I will not be changing my mind. And they KNEW this about me from the very beginning of the relationship. I gave them opportunities to leave, guilt-free, and they kept saying how they didn't want kids...until they did. It is crushing, I know, because you could be in the best relationship in the world, but then you find out that an issue you stand firmly on is at stake. Giving in to them is not going to make you happier, nor will it make you two whole again. Because then there would be a child, who will pick up resentment and anger and then there would be that trauma. As much as it hurts, sometimes you have to keep searching until you find someone who is truly genuine.

misstalia: Thank you. It has not always been easy moving on but I am forging ahead. I still have my moments where I think back to the good parts of what I had with my ex, and I do get a little sad. As recent as this past January I sunk into a deep depression over the loss of my marriage and home (it does not always matter if you are with someone new......sometimes pain runs very deep). I missed my dogs terribly too, but at least I have them back now. As for meeting my new man, it was pretty much by accident, but I took a chance when I saw something good in him, and I could not have been more lucky.

Amber: I really did think my ex was a genuine person for the most part. We usually had great communication. But for this one issue he was not always honest with me, obviously. By the time it reached an urgent status he was no longer in love with me. His resentment over not getting what he wanted killed his love for me. He may have still cared, but he wanted out of our marriage, and he wanted to be with someone who was "all" into babies and kids. It would have been nice to be valued for the loyal, faithful, and giving woman I am, but I was not a baby producer, so in his mind I was nothing to him anymore.

Life goes on....

[quote=Cassie67]Sad for my two dogs because they lived with him for three years and that was "their" house. They really loved him and he supposedly loved them. Evidently his fiance's dogs are more important than the two dogs that were his own, and surprisingly there was enough space for getting a new puppy this year. [/quote] I had to *snork* a little over that paragraph. Substitute "children/child" for "dog(s)" and "puppy" and you have a description of a second marriage :eek: