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missyT Offline OP
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During my time here I have seen at least five posts about husband's changing their minds. Often the poster states that the husband, " deep down wanted a child/children and assumed that the wife A. would change her mind or B. was saying they didn't want children yet. I have discussed these concerns with my own husband who agreed to put our child-free proclamation into our wedding vows ( I wanted him to realize how strongly I felt and to be certain he was with me!) it truly freaks me out that a man could enter into a marriage with such a patronizing attitude toward his wife. I guess my question is how could a person be so silly as to assume that their partner would change their mind about something so important to them regarding an entire LIFESTYLE? I've never heard of a man marrying lesbian assuming she'll change her mind about her sexual orientation or a democrat who considers it important to have shared political ideology with their partner, marrying a republican under the assumtion that their wife would change her political affiliation...I just DO NOT GET IT. Yes, people evolve and change, but generally those with high regard for a certain lifestyle don't stray from their goals or beliefs too often.

Last edited by misstalia; 02/10/11 12:38 AM.
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Adding it into the vows...now that's an idea

Last edited by Kat1980; 02/10/11 12:40 AM.
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missyT Offline OP
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Kat, i thought it would reinforce the seriousness of the matter. Think about it for yourself!

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Misstalia, unfortunately they aren't entirely to blame. Society has told them that all women will (one day) experience this unignorable biological urge. The TV tells them, their parents tell them, their friends tell them, newspapers tell them. Growing up they are indoctrinated (as us women are) into believing that one day we will experience that biological urge and that urge will surpass any objections to having children. I can understand why when only one person is telling them otherwise (i.e. their partner/wife) that they go with the majority view.

This is why it's good that us childfree are getting more press coverage and are more vocal, other generations will realise that their partner/wife will stick with her convictions.

I didn't have my childfree status put into my vows but I did have any mention of "and when blessed with children" removed from the ceremony. Indeed children weren't mentioned at all.

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Wow, You make a good point. I too am very happy to see CFCs coming forward more and more. For our community as a whole, it's something to be celebrated. I still, however, feel as though if a wife tells their husband that he should believe her!

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I'm with random, we're all taught at a young age to believe that someday, be it the near or far future women will experience this "biological clock" and it will tick so loud we can't even think about anything else. I like to think as a whole we've evolved beyond that outdated notion but...it seem to be pretty strong even today.

As I see it, it's easier for a guy to change his mind as well. It was once discussed, somewhere on here, about how being a father is a lot easier than being a mother. Father's don't have to carry the child for 9 months, deal with the pains of pregnancy and child birth in general. Then when the baby is born it's not really daddy who is up at all hours of the night feeding and changing diapers either, it's mommy. It's also not uncommon for mom's to be "stay at home moms" where the man is the primary bread winners, and the mother is stuck at home with a screaming tot or infant. So while daddy gets an 8-12 hour break from family life, mommy doesn't get said break until her kids start going to school.

So it's much easier to change your mind when things are pretty simple otherwise. It's not so easy for us as women to change our minds becuase we realize WHY we don't want kids. We usually (not always) don't wanna deal with the pregnancy thing, which is nothing but unadulterated hell, for lack of a better word. It's our bodies that have to endure the tax of having children, not the guys. So with that in mind it's easy for a guy to suddenly hit 40 and have something akin to a mid-life crisis and say "I'm getting old, maybe a kid wouldn't be so bad"

Also if you think about it on a more old fashioned scale, the hype of having a "son" to carry on his gene's and family name has a certain appeal to men. That ideal has been around for as long as human's have been, and back then it was necessary, but not it's not but the ideal somehow still survives.

It's not in all men to believe this, I'm not saying that, just it seems just a lot simpler for guys to change their minds than it is for us women.

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by reading it seems that you have so much problems with the guys. carrying the child for 9 months it is not so easy that i understand but i m totally disagree with you that males does not have any responsibility towards the kids, even he is having the responsibility of securing the future of the family. and it is not as much as you think. and he works 8 to 12 hours only for his family. we cannot say it is a break from the family life. And mommy does not get break until her kids start going to school but daddy doesn't get break until his child start earning and become financial independent. suppose his child become financial independent at age of the 25 means he has to work for him till 25 years. After that it is not sure that whether he will get rest or not. As far as question of pregnancy is concern so the mommy has to face the pregnancy pain but at that time the father has to face mental pain. And the mental pain is more danger than physical pain. when the kids born from that time the father has to work for his kids and his family. He thinks 24X7 365 about securing the present and future of his family. so both mommy and daddy's works are equal. One has to bear the pain physically and one has to bear it mentally.comparing them and taking the side of one will become the injustice for another one. thanx.

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As I discussed here before, I had a 5 year relationship end because of the kids issue. When we were breaking up, he admitted that he went along with no kids on the assumption I'd change my mind. In my case, I lost all respect for him when he said that. Basically, he was saying I don't know my own mind. I am a very self-aware person, so him thinking I would change my mind was insulting. He clearly didn't understand me at all, especially when it was clear I have no desire to be around kids. I guess in the end, he finally realized I was serious and that led to him ending it. I agree that there is a lot of societal/family pressure. All the women in his family were very kid-oriented, so I am sure they fed him tripe, like, she will eventually come around, all woman wants kids, her biological clock will start ticking, etc. when I was not around. Still, it is strange that he was more willing to listen to and believe them, than me, the one who would be expected to have the child.

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missyT Offline OP
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Sam, I hear what you're saying, but in many cases not only does the woman bear the physical, she also (depending on the situation) has to help with the financial. Double whammy for the woman, often.

Isis, YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD WITH YOUR POST! You gave an example of the scenario I keep hearing on here. I doubt that a man would be focused on a certain lifestyle himself and then do a 360 that often. I believe that most cases are like your's: A man patronizingly assumes that his girlfriend/wife doesn't realize that she wants them "justyet." As you said it's very insulting because it's almost as though he thought you were some immature child yourself who thinks they know what they want. Ok that was a total rant on my part...lol.

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for starters, even without a kid a father has to work to secure his wife and his future. So even if him and his beloved decided against children guess what? He'd still be working 9-12 hours for his wife, so either way he's working for somebody if not himself. If he lived alone he'd still be working his [censored] off to secure his OWN future, so what difference is it either way?

I never implied fathers are unconcerned, that'd be a terrible assumption. But between work and staying at home with a screaming tot, work is the lesser of two evils in a sense. Fathers care, but their just not the ones who deal with booboos or earaches, mostly that's a mothers job. I'm not saying it ALWAYS happens like that, there are exceptions to any situation, but still. It's easier being a dad in my eyes than it is being a mother. Mothers not only have physical pain but mental stress and pain as well.

It's impolite to assume that only fathers feel mental pain, mothers feel it too.

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