BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids What is your focus, if you are child-free?

Dear Nomadic - you're right - I asked a guy at work about it. No, it is NOT different when you have your own. But he loves his kids and had their footprints and names tattooed on his arms. He is a great father - but he only wants to be around just his two kids.

Right now, my biggest focus is on getting my own business going and my writing.

in my opinion,having pets is more fun than raising babies.even though raising pets is kind of like raising babies,the rewards of having fur babies is much more fun.plus,pets give unconditional love.

What can you do if you don't have kids? WHATEVER YOU WANT!

[quote=CharlitStarlett]What can you do if you don't have kids? WHATEVER YOU WANT![/quote] See now...that's exactly what I was going to say!!

Nomadic1 - OMG! You said EXACTLY what I feel. It is so nice to know I am not alone. Im 42 and my husband is 43. We've been married for 18 years and decided to not have kids. We never wanted kids and he had a vasectomy this year - after lots of thought and consideration. What scares me, is sometimes I get these feelings (downright panic and fear, actually) that I may have made a mistake by NOT having kids. I love our life and the freedom. We both work full time and have tons of friends, but there are times when I feel so empty inside. Not sure what it is, so I assume it's regret about not having kids. Not sure what else it could be. When I look at it objectively, I don't want that child lifestyle. But, these feelings creep up - my fear of being alone and not having anyone to nurture. And, frankly, it scares me to death. I'm so afraid that I'll end up in a nursing home with no one to visit or love me. That's my biggest fear, but it was never reason enough to have kids. I don't know what to do with these feelings when they creep up. Anyone have any suggestions? Thoughts? Advice? Thanks!

Spending time with friends, camping in the boonies for long stretches of time, dog, art, work, and renovating our house endlessly, living in the city. I feel lucky to be involved with the arts and dogs because there does tend to be a lot of childfree people in those worlds. When I lived in the burbs I felt much more isolated, so I'm glad to be back in the city. I don't think we'd live here if we had kids though, there's just not enough room to play. When I lived in the suburbs everyone seemed to have kids and I had to drive a long distance to the city to visit with CF friends.

Hi Jillster, I sometimes feel EXACTLY the same as you. I'm 44, and also don't want the child lifestyle, but we are in the minority, and I wonder if I'm missing out. I also wonder if it's my age. My husband had the snip years ago, and it's never been an issue, but now I'm mid 40's I know I will NEVER have kids. That's different to not wanting them, and in the back of your mind think - I'm going to live forever ; If I want to be a concert pianist ( insert whatever fantasy you think too ) ; If I DID want kids, I could have three if I wanted. Maybe I'm wrong, and it's not my age, it's just different phases in your life, like wondering what it would be like to be crazy rich and sail round the world, stopping at different ports, - for example ( I have a fertile imagination ! ) Anyhoo. Whenever I start thinking how great it would be to cuddle my own child, to teach it all the things I've learned etc etc.....then I think about the reality of bringing up a child. Then I shake my head with all the reasons we know, and have been posted here . We were talking the other day with friends. He is my age, and now thinks about kids / would he like to have them ?. His partner is 55,( same age as my hubby ) and has a grown family with grandkids ( same as my hubby ). They both said how different it is when you're living inside the life with kids, and it looks rosy from the outside. They both said it is far from rosy. My husband has always said if he had a choice of the two lifestyles, he would pick the childless one every time. I am also aware it's easy saying that when you already have kids, and there's no mystique about reproducing. I think the trouble is I'll never know. It may have been fantastic. then again it may have been terrible, a far worse life than my own. I believe I will always feel like this. wondering. It comes back to life not being perfect, and no matter what choices you make, there will always be pros and cons. Whenever I wonder, I feel I have made the right choice for me, and am fequently grateful I don't have kids. Therefore I try not to stress when I think I should have them - It's just human nature. I don't know about you all, but I always tried to do what I wanted in life, and be the best at it. - get a great fulfilling job, make money, so you could have the things you want, etc. etc. But, getting back to the age thing. I'm not young anymore, and mortality is an issue ( not being morbid, or anything,) but it does affect how you view life, when others are viewing you as an older woman, and not a young bit of stuff !!!! ) And yes, you then think of your husband who may not always be there. Then I get a grip, have some chocolate, and think of all the pluses in my life - family, friends, great social life, and know that it's just natural to think of what you haven't got ( IE kids ) . I sometimes wonder, if the majority of the population had Porsches would I want one too ? probably. It doesn't mean it would be right for me. I LOVE sharing this debate, what do you think Jillster ? keep it coming.

Gaynor8002 - Thank you for your reply. I love when you said: "Then I get a grip, have some chocolate, and think of all the pluses in my life - family, friends, great social life, and know that it's just natural to think of what you haven't got ( IE kids). I sometimes wonder, if the majority of the population had Porsches would I want one too ? probably. It doesn't mean it would be right for me." For me, this topic is a debate, that goes back and forth in my head when I feel empty inside. Since my post, I have given this topic a lot of thought - as always - and still come back to the same conclusion. I don't want the child lifestyle. I love my life the way it is - the freedom, the peach, the time to focus on what I want to do and who I want to be with. I had lunch the other day with my friend, her daughter and her 3 month old grandson. He is absolutely beautiful and adorable. I love him, but wouldn't want him full time. Plus, he will soon mature into a toddler - ack! I did feel a little sad holding him, knowing that I'll never know that feeling of being a mom to a beautiful baby. But, then I turned it around to remind myself that I am a great Auntie to him and my blood nephews and nieces and all of my friends kids. I love that I am "Auntie Jill". After much reflection, instead of feeling blue that I might be alone when I'm old, I tell myself (my new mantra) that "I will always be surrounded by people who love me!". Also, I don't want to be a burden to anyone when I'm old (like my grandfather), so I plan to be fit, fun, active, and independent to the end. That is my goal. Then people will want to be around me. So, since I'm childfree I can focus on what is important to me: my husband, pets, home, travel, family, friends, nieces/nephews. I can do what I want with my time. This new attitude won't make those feelings not creep up again, but I just need to stay focused on the positive and continue to say my mantra over and over until the feelings pass. I have chosen this life - and it is what I want.

I don't feel the need to have a 'focus' I guess. I think like many people (including parents) my focus is just what needs done each day. I believe in making each day the best it can be. Maybe that's my 'focus'? I do have plans like travelling and I'm currently studying also, but I don't think of them as a 'focus' really.

Jilly, I miss my old friends, who they were before they had kids, too. And would love some CF ones my age, especially women. Im a firefighter so that is my main focus and it's great to not have to worry about the danger aspect of it, in regards to leaving children behind if anything happens to me. I can throw myself really into the job and do the best I can. I'm also studying for my promotional exams at work and would also like to eventually complete a Masters degree. Love travelling with my partner, exercising, just having quiet time at home by myself reading or whatever. I'm NEVER bored, don't even know what it feels like! I agree that the people who say they don't know how they would fill their time without kids must be the most boring people on earth, just sad, sad, sad! Breeders have asked me (including my ex hubby who tried to convert me to kids): "So what IS your focus in life?", like they just cannot imagine anything outside of kids! I reckon their brains are damaged or something, lol