BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Finding the strength to move on...

Soul seeker, Oh i can so much relate to all this. Really. Even today i had to listen to all this and it actually made me feel that im over reacting. I should have given him yet another chance, that im the one who is being harsh, and he loves me ! Cant live without me. All these posts above mine have given me strength again to stick to my decision. One very simple question: How can a person say that he loves you and then hits you and insults you and degrades you? its just not possible....

Simple answer: They CANNOT love you when they treat you that way. In their own mind, they think it is love because it is probably greater than what they normally experience. I've asked that question so many times, I cannot count. We must remain strong. Fight for our sanity and peace of mind and freedom from the abuse and danger. Whether I believe it 100% of the time (or I'm having a weak moment and question it) WE DO NOT DESERVE THE ABUSE, WE ARE BETTER THAN THAT!! WE DESERVE MUCH BETTER! Before him, I've always been treated with utmost respect and adoration... So what made me accept his abuse??? I still question myself.. It seems to me, now as I reflect back on the past 2 1/2 years, the time spent with him seems more of a blur than it did just 1 week ago. I'm beginning to forget the good things he did and said. Mostly I am focusing on the anger, manipulation, violence... Yesterday, I had one of those weak days. My mind tried bringing up all the good things we experienced together but I was determined not to let it weaken me. I forced myself to overcome thoughts of him when I began missing him. With the bad outweighing the good, what do I miss about him?? I don't understand the grasp he has on me... I still get offended when people tell me how worthless and bad for me he was... even though I KNOW they are telling the truth and only care about my well being, there is that part of me that still has feelings for him and I want to defend him. I'm trying desperately to get myself past that stage. I know I am becoming stronger... I feel my strength returning slowly. It's all baby steps..

My therapist told me to think about the good things - only for this reason - there were probably good things about him, otherwise you wouldn't have been with him... we shouldn't feel bad because there was some good somewhere there which caused us to be with this person in the first place.. Of course, the abuse is horrifying and wrong and the reason why we left... and need to STAY AWAY.. But don't blame yourself for being with him. There was definitely some good there to begin with.. I hope this helps!

soulseeker' i have been down the road your on and its a scary one.this is only gonna get worse you have no choice in this matter but to leave.To save yourself 'GO TO A SHELTER! FILE A ORDER OF PROTECTION! GET SOME CANCELING! And DONT GO BACK! AND DONT JUMP BACK INTO ANOTHER REALASHTIONSHIP TILL YOU HEAL!Make a plan to get out DONT TELL ANYONE JUST DO IT. Why havent you had him thrown in jail?Dose your family know? DO you have kids? PLEASE LISTEN TO ME !YOU DONT NEED A MAN TO LOVE YOU. LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF.

LOST ' i have been down the road your on and its a scary one.this is only gonna get worse you have no choice in this matter but to leave.To save yourself 'GO TO A SHELTER! FILE A ORDER OF PROTECTION! GET SOME CANCELING! And DONT GO BACK! AND DONT JUMP BACK INTO ANOTHER REALASHTIONSHIP TILL YOU HEAL!Make a plan to get out DONT TELL ANYONE JUST DO IT. Why havent you had him thrown in jail?Dose your family know? DO you have kids? PLEASE LISTEN TO ME !YOU DONT NEED A MAN TO LOVE YOU. LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF.

Soul seeker, i totally understand what ure saying....infact i feel like im reading my own feelings...i have my weak days too...i miss him, i shouldnt, but i do...i guess we crave for the 10 percent good in these ppl and tend to forget the 90 percent bad...i understand when u say that u dont know how u let him treat u this way...its the same with me...i was loved by all, idolized even, star of university, much ahead of others, but i lost everything and i let him destroy my personality...it had come to the point where i hated my own face, i had starting feeling so bad abt myself... so...im sure u had a similar experience...we shouldnt let ourselves forget the treatment...life cant be good if ur partner shows u only 10 percent of good stuff...what i do on my weak days is that i talk to my frnds, i cry, but i control myself from contacting him...this phase will pass, we can forget such ppl and move on...time is the biggest healer...:)

You're right, there were many good things about him but in the end, the bad outweighed the good. I try not to dwell on the good points because that makes me miss him and I DO NOT WANT TO MISS HIM... =) I know the reasons I chose to stay with him were not worth the pain, hurt and suffering he put me through.. I'm strong. I survived his abuse, I can survive the recovery. Thank you for your encouraging words.

I already left him =)

Lostforever, I'm beginning to think these abusers all have such similar characteristics because everything I read about them proves they all seem to use basically the same tactics. Almost as if they all went to the same Domestic Violence Tactics Class toghether. =) They seem to destroy everything about you including your self-esteem. I felt as if nobody cared about me - - how could they? I hated myself just as much as other people seemed to. He spent much of his time alienating me from my friends and family. He complained so much when I talked to them that it became easier to ignore them so I didn't have to listen to his angry words or deal with his temper. Another thing - - he was SO JEALOUS of everyone, everything that took my attention from him yet he would do everything he told me NOT to DO and expect me to be ok with it. Although I get lonely sometimes, it is 100% better than living in constant fear.

UPDATE: It has been almost 2 months now that I have been away from him. My heart and soul are finally finding the much needed tranquility I failed to find in his presence. I feel as if I have journeyed through a whole other lifetime since then. I have found my strength to move mountains of emotions and move on. The anger and bitterness have almost vanished... the scars are healing nicely. All that is really left is a strange sort of pity I feel for him. As I read his emails he sent yesterday, I thought, what a pathetic attempt (again) using the same lines he used before, using that same "pity me" dialog; seriously, does he think I believe him NOW after all we've been through, after all the lies and false hopes he dangled before my eyes? Can a person really be so lost in their own world of turmoil and confusion that they expect someone to believe that stuff? Oh, of course he does, I believed it many times before, I guess he is just waiting for me to believe it again... Unfortunately for him, I have found my strength, determination and resolve to move forward instead of repeat the same mistakes I made in my past.