When I entered the relationship 2 1/2 years ago, I never dreamed it was possible that the kind, gentle spirited, attentive man would turn out to be my worst nightmare (and one of my worst life experiences). Little did I know, I was being weakened mentally and emotionally from the first moment I spoke to him. I saw the warning signs but my heart was ready to love and he was available. Now I find myself picking up the pieces of a shattered heart, boggled mind, crushed soul and drained spirit. I used to be so strong.... I was totally against domestic violence, naively I thought I was somehow immune to it, thinking "HOW could a woman let a man scream at her much less put his hands on her?" In my own controlled world, I was determined to never let it happen to me. Now, I find myself asking "Where do I find the strength to go on when I have no strength left within me? How do I pick up pieces that are scattered in the wind?" With each volatile attack, whether it was name-calling, screaming, belittling statements or a physical altercation each attack became violently worse. The cycle: abuse, the guilt, pleas for forgiveness, placing blame or creating scenarios where he had an excuse to attack me so it makes him feel justified in his actions, empty promises that he will never do it again if all is forgiven, then the forgiveness. Because the attacks came with so much anger, I was sure, IF I changed something in me, he would not be so angry with me. Nothing seemed to work, the attacks continued. After a few months of the verbal abuse, I began seeing a side of me that I didn't know existed. I began to hate myself for making statements that seemed to anger him but when I tried to figure out what comments angered him, I could not pinpoint any specific words that could have made him so mad. When the first physical attack came, it was after he had been drinking. I was standing at the sink, I can't even remember what I said that seemed to set him off. In one quick motion, he grabbed a huge butcher knife in one hand and the back of my neck in the other hand. The painful pressure of the knife in my throat dwarfed the pain that overtook my heart in that moment. My whole world came crashing down around me. As he screamed angry nasty words he seemed to be pressing the knife to the point where I thought it would break through my skin. Tears rolled down my cheeks but I was powerless to stop the attack. I stood before him wide-eyed and at his mercy. Forgiveness didn't come easy. But imagine how much easier it was to forgive him because I just 'knew' he wouldn't do that while he was sober. It was the alcohol, I thought. After all, he kept telling me, "we are soulmates", "a love that is meant to last a life time", "a couple that others envy because of our close bond", "a once in a lifetime true love". After he begged for forgiveness and agreed to never do it again, we cried together and he held me tight. He agreed that he needed to seek professional mental help. All was well again. Two weeks later an exact duplicate of that first night replayed itself out. I was in a position where I felt I could not leave, it would break my heart more to leave him than his volatile outbursts caused so I tried to encourage him to seek help and did what I knew to do to help him. A week later, I was awoken from a sound sleep because I could not breathe. I realized he was up on his elbow with his other hand covering my nose and mouth. I wrestled to free myself. As soon as I was free, I was convinced he was sleeping because he just rolled over away from me and began snoring. In retrospect, I now know he wasn't sleeping. I made plans to escape the torture. When I left, I had no plans of ever seeing him again. After a few weeks of trying to mend my broken heart, I decided to give him another chance. It's easy to lie to yourself when your heart is involved. A week passed before he raised his voice again and instead of putting his hands on me, he began throwing things in my direction but just to where it wouldn't make contact. Or he would throw food or drink on me. It was easy to clean up the mess when he convinced me that it was my fault because of something I did or said to anger him. The attacks were the same until he began physically throwing me around. Repeatedly he would grab me by the throat and throw me against walls or grab my throat to push me out of his way instead of asking me to move. I felt like a rag doll being flung here and there. At the first sign of his anger, I learned not to talk or reply, I just let him rant and rave but that sometimes angered him more. There was no defusing the situation, he would yell and argue so much that I think he enraged himself without any input from me. It was the fear and shock from me that he thrived on, I am convinced of that now. For two years this cycle repeated itself over and over. Feelings of helplessness gripped me. How could I leave him and never look back? I did not have an answer to that. As I sit here today, I am praying for the strength, healing and courage to go on and close this chapter of my life for good.

Hi SoulSeeker!

Welcome to our BellaOnline Forum!

Hello Angela, Just wondering about your handle ... by Walking Editor ... does this mean that you have a treadmill happening while you work ... in other words - your work station is attached to your treadmill? I've head of a few people doing this - they tell me it helps them stay fit and surprisingly many of them find that their outlook on life is better now too! Or ... am I totally wrong about your handle?

Hello. =)

hello soul seeker, when i read ur story, it sounded to me like a carbon copy of my own. maybe you can read my earlier posts. Same initial behaviour, abuse starting from slaps, to punches, to kicks, then a head injury, then throwing against walls n floor, then suffocation ! i am sorry for what is happening to u but u have to get out - read as much as u can about all our stories and try to find the strength to leave him for good. i left my ex, im happy now...keep a record of the abuse, talk to someone about it, find help. i know leaving a relationship is hard but he abuses u....he isnt nice to u....i cant tell u how u can stop loving him...but blv me...its an illusion that u love...u will have to fight ur feelings...be strong...plz..dont waste ur life...im sorry if u dont like what im saying but im saying this in total sincerity...

Lostforever, I did leave him, actually I moved to another state. I know my post was not clear on that fact. It's only been 6 days. The scars run deep. So deep, in fact, that I know it will take me a long time to move past it and leave him completely in my past. While he has spent the past 6 days trying to talk me into coming back, he's already searching for his next 'victim'. It's amazing how bold he can be. Oh, and the lies... I'm determined to pick myself up from this one... He's not worthy of the pain he has caused me but that fact doesn't change anything, it's there, unfortunately. I've been through most of what you described in your post. And the "Accidental-Ooops" abuse, what I called when he acted like he wasn't paying attention and literally caused me bodily harm and apologized saying he didn't mean to do it. I'm a very forgiving person so of course, I always forgave but I've reached a time where forgiveness isn't enough and it will take me a long time to forget. I'm through with him but I do need to find the strength to NEVER take him back like I have done repeatedly in the past. That is the part that scares me the most... after a month or two (before I fully have time to begin the real healing process) and he starts begging and pleading, telling me all his lies and I crumble, I believe him and the vicious cycle starts over again. I pray daily for the strength to finally, once and for all, gain enough courage to never allow anyone, him included, to treat me disrespectfully or abuse me. Thank you for your post and advice =)

These posts are heartbreaking... Maybe it would help if you could REALLY realize that what you love about him is TRULY an illusion... Nothing that you love about him is actually real, and once you realize that something is not real at all... you cease to love it because you cannot love something that doesn't exist! Be strong girl!

Social, I find more strength with each day that passes but I know I have a long road to healing. I'm embarrassed and humiliated that I allowed such abuse to control my life for so long. It angers me but I know in order to move past this and find healing, I must forgive him and let it go (let him go). Easier said than done.

So much have what you said rings true in my head! What they do is make you second guess yourself, make you think you are crazy, and that what is happening is not as bad as you think, or that it's your fault.. or in my case, deny it! You have to find a support system of strong people who will be there for you. When you feel lonely, like you need him.. call them!! When you are sad.. call them! The only way I made it through was by taking other peoples support, when before I was the type of person to never ask a favor. I was embarrassed and ashamed just like you are.. and I still am.. but I am also prouder every day I keep going! I am now 2 1/2 months free.. and I was with mine for 18 yrs of my life.. It is really hard to be alone, but I think of all the horrible things he did and said to me.. and I know that this feeling will pass and soon will come better days. If you go back, you will eventually have to go through this all over again.. Stay strong! Use your supports!! Don't be afraid to ask for help! And - you don't have to forgive him... not now.. and you don't have to let it go. I hope you are going to counseling.. that has helped me a lot too! You are in my thoughts!!

You are SO right... second guessing myself, he would try to make me feel crazy and try to make me believe everyone else thinks I am crazy when it is HIM that is really crazy. So true, ALL of what you said. I say it everyday, I have to be strong enough to resist him when he begs, pleads, cries, coaxes me, lays guilt trips on me, etc. I've fallen for his promises of change many times only to be thrown right back into the abuse, anger, harsh words, violence... I feel as if he doesn't love me or want me yet he says he can't live without me. How can a person say they love you when they treat you worse than anyone else even imagined treating you. He has used Religion, God, people, everything in his grasp and some that wasn't in his grasp against me. Making me feel like I am the one doing wrong by leaving him. My family, kids, friends... everyone I know hates him. They have begged me repeatedly not to ever take him back. They worry about me even when I don't. I betrayed them all two different times because I was weak, vulnerable, lonely, hurt... It's the good times we had together that kept me holding on for so long. There were so many good things about him that I absolutely loved but when I weigh the good and bad now, I see only the way he treated me with such contempt and disrespect. I do have a good support group with my family and friends but they do not see the full effect it has had on me. They just see him and his abusive behavior. I am checking into domestic violence support groups. More than anything, I want to heal from this so I never find myself in a position similar to this again. Thank you for your reply, your words encouraged me immensely..

Soul seeker, Oh i can so much relate to all this. Really. Even today i had to listen to all this and it actually made me feel that im over reacting. I should have given him yet another chance, that im the one who is being harsh, and he loves me ! Cant live without me. All these posts above mine have given me strength again to stick to my decision. One very simple question: How can a person say that he loves you and then hits you and insults you and degrades you? its just not possible....

Simple answer: They CANNOT love you when they treat you that way. In their own mind, they think it is love because it is probably greater than what they normally experience. I've asked that question so many times, I cannot count. We must remain strong. Fight for our sanity and peace of mind and freedom from the abuse and danger. Whether I believe it 100% of the time (or I'm having a weak moment and question it) WE DO NOT DESERVE THE ABUSE, WE ARE BETTER THAN THAT!! WE DESERVE MUCH BETTER! Before him, I've always been treated with utmost respect and adoration... So what made me accept his abuse??? I still question myself.. It seems to me, now as I reflect back on the past 2 1/2 years, the time spent with him seems more of a blur than it did just 1 week ago. I'm beginning to forget the good things he did and said. Mostly I am focusing on the anger, manipulation, violence... Yesterday, I had one of those weak days. My mind tried bringing up all the good things we experienced together but I was determined not to let it weaken me. I forced myself to overcome thoughts of him when I began missing him. With the bad outweighing the good, what do I miss about him?? I don't understand the grasp he has on me... I still get offended when people tell me how worthless and bad for me he was... even though I KNOW they are telling the truth and only care about my well being, there is that part of me that still has feelings for him and I want to defend him. I'm trying desperately to get myself past that stage. I know I am becoming stronger... I feel my strength returning slowly. It's all baby steps..

My therapist told me to think about the good things - only for this reason - there were probably good things about him, otherwise you wouldn't have been with him... we shouldn't feel bad because there was some good somewhere there which caused us to be with this person in the first place.. Of course, the abuse is horrifying and wrong and the reason why we left... and need to STAY AWAY.. But don't blame yourself for being with him. There was definitely some good there to begin with.. I hope this helps!

soulseeker' i have been down the road your on and its a scary one.this is only gonna get worse you have no choice in this matter but to leave.To save yourself 'GO TO A SHELTER! FILE A ORDER OF PROTECTION! GET SOME CANCELING! And DONT GO BACK! AND DONT JUMP BACK INTO ANOTHER REALASHTIONSHIP TILL YOU HEAL!Make a plan to get out DONT TELL ANYONE JUST DO IT. Why havent you had him thrown in jail?Dose your family know? DO you have kids? PLEASE LISTEN TO ME !YOU DONT NEED A MAN TO LOVE YOU. LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF.

LOST ' i have been down the road your on and its a scary one.this is only gonna get worse you have no choice in this matter but to leave.To save yourself 'GO TO A SHELTER! FILE A ORDER OF PROTECTION! GET SOME CANCELING! And DONT GO BACK! AND DONT JUMP BACK INTO ANOTHER REALASHTIONSHIP TILL YOU HEAL!Make a plan to get out DONT TELL ANYONE JUST DO IT. Why havent you had him thrown in jail?Dose your family know? DO you have kids? PLEASE LISTEN TO ME !YOU DONT NEED A MAN TO LOVE YOU. LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF.

Soul seeker, i totally understand what ure saying....infact i feel like im reading my own feelings...i have my weak days too...i miss him, i shouldnt, but i do...i guess we crave for the 10 percent good in these ppl and tend to forget the 90 percent bad...i understand when u say that u dont know how u let him treat u this way...its the same with me...i was loved by all, idolized even, star of university, much ahead of others, but i lost everything and i let him destroy my personality...it had come to the point where i hated my own face, i had starting feeling so bad abt myself... so...im sure u had a similar experience...we shouldnt let ourselves forget the treatment...life cant be good if ur partner shows u only 10 percent of good stuff...what i do on my weak days is that i talk to my frnds, i cry, but i control myself from contacting him...this phase will pass, we can forget such ppl and move on...time is the biggest healer...:)

You're right, there were many good things about him but in the end, the bad outweighed the good. I try not to dwell on the good points because that makes me miss him and I DO NOT WANT TO MISS HIM... =) I know the reasons I chose to stay with him were not worth the pain, hurt and suffering he put me through.. I'm strong. I survived his abuse, I can survive the recovery. Thank you for your encouraging words.

I already left him =)

Lostforever, I'm beginning to think these abusers all have such similar characteristics because everything I read about them proves they all seem to use basically the same tactics. Almost as if they all went to the same Domestic Violence Tactics Class toghether. =) They seem to destroy everything about you including your self-esteem. I felt as if nobody cared about me - - how could they? I hated myself just as much as other people seemed to. He spent much of his time alienating me from my friends and family. He complained so much when I talked to them that it became easier to ignore them so I didn't have to listen to his angry words or deal with his temper. Another thing - - he was SO JEALOUS of everyone, everything that took my attention from him yet he would do everything he told me NOT to DO and expect me to be ok with it. Although I get lonely sometimes, it is 100% better than living in constant fear.

UPDATE: It has been almost 2 months now that I have been away from him. My heart and soul are finally finding the much needed tranquility I failed to find in his presence. I feel as if I have journeyed through a whole other lifetime since then. I have found my strength to move mountains of emotions and move on. The anger and bitterness have almost vanished... the scars are healing nicely. All that is really left is a strange sort of pity I feel for him. As I read his emails he sent yesterday, I thought, what a pathetic attempt (again) using the same lines he used before, using that same "pity me" dialog; seriously, does he think I believe him NOW after all we've been through, after all the lies and false hopes he dangled before my eyes? Can a person really be so lost in their own world of turmoil and confusion that they expect someone to believe that stuff? Oh, of course he does, I believed it many times before, I guess he is just waiting for me to believe it again... Unfortunately for him, I have found my strength, determination and resolve to move forward instead of repeat the same mistakes I made in my past.

It's like they're forged from a mold! I've bene reading message board for months and the stories are like carbon copies of each other, including my own. What I want to know is, why isn't there a registry for those convicted of Domestic Violence? My children and I were not my husband's first victims and I keep seeing evidence that he was looking for his next victim long before I got out from under his thumb. I had no idea I was walking into the mess I said "I DO" to. His previous THREE wives didn't know, and the women he's been luring into adulterous relationships through online dating sites have no clue that (1) He's married and (2) He's a predator.

Niki - There is legaslation in many states to have this very database developed. Many folks are saying it is an invasion of privacy but it would be equal to something like the sex offender database every state is required to maintain. I personally think it is a great idea. I will do some research into this topic again over the next few days and report my findings.

Niki... I agree with you, there should be a registry for Domestic Violence Offenders. I, like you, was unaware until my first episode of abuse began.... it was after that when his ex-wife began telling people I was crazy for being with him. But by then, he had me hooked into his little web of violence and rage where I felt I couldn't find a way out.

UPDATE: Month #3 of freedom is quickly approaching! Gosh it seems like a lifetime ago that I escaped the pain and abuse. My strength amazes me. My determination to remain free is evident every time I open my email to 6 or 8 or 10 new emails from him and I am quick to delete the "garbage" and send it into cyberspace, never to be seen again. Today I marked his email address as "Spam" lol I'm getting there... wherever "there" is, I'm well on my way!!

I met someone over a month ago... a very nice 'someone'. He's charming, sweet, seems gentle, successful, spiritual, fun, funny, interesting, cute... we practically became instant friends as soon as we met. He has hinted at wanting to take things to the 'next level' but he isn't pushing me, I appreciate that tremendously...... I'm thinking, in another life-time perhaps he would be perfect for me. BUT... right now... The pain of my past is not cleared away so I find it hard to see what is right in front of me. I distance myself from him.. from most people in general, I do not want anyone to see the pain inside of me. I do not want them to cause me more pain. I've realized how far I have moved past my abuser and the thoughts of him.... but now, every person looks like abuse waiting to happen (to me). HOW do I work past these feelings, thoughts and the anxiety of meeting new people, I wonder. I have NEVER been this way. I'm ready to move on, put all of the abuse behind me... I'm just not ready for someone to begin making that move with me.

It turns out... that the "very nice someone" I mentioned in the above post is already being a 'very nice person' to someone else... it's always nice to get a phone call from an irritated girlfriend. Shortly after I posted that message, my phone rang. Now, I don't have to wonder about whether I should go to the next phase with him. My answer was given to me... My intuition always seemed to be a little clouded with him, perhaps it was the mixed signals he constantly sent that kept me second-guessing myself. A lesson learned before I got burnt.

I've had a lot of time to think since yesterday.... I think I almost did it again! As I look at the other characteristics of this person who appears to be a 'very nice someone', then I put aside the charm, the smile, gentle nature and the cute looks, I find something much more sinister. I see subtle signs of abusive behavior.... there is a subtle trace of a control issue, flirty manipulation, minute traces of jealousy, him needing to know where I am (which appeared endearing, of course) but he was never clear when I asked what he was doing, the whole girlfriend thing - she only knew certain things about me because he obviously told her, the list goes on... To top it all off, my self-esteem has taken some serious blows - - in very subtle ways, of course. I'm thankful things turned out the way it did before it was too late....