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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 79
Amoeba
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Amoeba
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 79
When I entered the relationship 2 1/2 years ago, I never dreamed it was possible that the kind, gentle spirited, attentive man would turn out to be my worst nightmare (and one of my worst life experiences). Little did I know, I was being weakened mentally and emotionally from the first moment I spoke to him. I saw the warning signs but my heart was ready to love and he was available. Now I find myself picking up the pieces of a shattered heart, boggled mind, crushed soul and drained spirit. I used to be so strong.... I was totally against domestic violence, naively I thought I was somehow immune to it, thinking "HOW could a woman let a man scream at her much less put his hands on her?" In my own controlled world, I was determined to never let it happen to me. Now, I find myself asking "Where do I find the strength to go on when I have no strength left within me? How do I pick up pieces that are scattered in the wind?" With each volatile attack, whether it was name-calling, screaming, belittling statements or a physical altercation each attack became violently worse. The cycle: abuse, the guilt, pleas for forgiveness, placing blame or creating scenarios where he had an excuse to attack me so it makes him feel justified in his actions, empty promises that he will never do it again if all is forgiven, then the forgiveness. Because the attacks came with so much anger, I was sure, IF I changed something in me, he would not be so angry with me. Nothing seemed to work, the attacks continued. After a few months of the verbal abuse, I began seeing a side of me that I didn't know existed. I began to hate myself for making statements that seemed to anger him but when I tried to figure out what comments angered him, I could not pinpoint any specific words that could have made him so mad. When the first physical attack came, it was after he had been drinking. I was standing at the sink, I can't even remember what I said that seemed to set him off. In one quick motion, he grabbed a huge butcher knife in one hand and the back of my neck in the other hand. The painful pressure of the knife in my throat dwarfed the pain that overtook my heart in that moment. My whole world came crashing down around me. As he screamed angry nasty words he seemed to be pressing the knife to the point where I thought it would break through my skin. Tears rolled down my cheeks but I was powerless to stop the attack. I stood before him wide-eyed and at his mercy. Forgiveness didn't come easy. But imagine how much easier it was to forgive him because I just 'knew' he wouldn't do that while he was sober. It was the alcohol, I thought. After all, he kept telling me, "we are soulmates", "a love that is meant to last a life time", "a couple that others envy because of our close bond", "a once in a lifetime true love". After he begged for forgiveness and agreed to never do it again, we cried together and he held me tight. He agreed that he needed to seek professional mental help. All was well again. Two weeks later an exact duplicate of that first night replayed itself out. I was in a position where I felt I could not leave, it would break my heart more to leave him than his volatile outbursts caused so I tried to encourage him to seek help and did what I knew to do to help him. A week later, I was awoken from a sound sleep because I could not breathe. I realized he was up on his elbow with his other hand covering my nose and mouth. I wrestled to free myself. As soon as I was free, I was convinced he was sleeping because he just rolled over away from me and began snoring. In retrospect, I now know he wasn't sleeping. I made plans to escape the torture. When I left, I had no plans of ever seeing him again. After a few weeks of trying to mend my broken heart, I decided to give him another chance. It's easy to lie to yourself when your heart is involved. A week passed before he raised his voice again and instead of putting his hands on me, he began throwing things in my direction but just to where it wouldn't make contact. Or he would throw food or drink on me. It was easy to clean up the mess when he convinced me that it was my fault because of something I did or said to anger him. The attacks were the same until he began physically throwing me around. Repeatedly he would grab me by the throat and throw me against walls or grab my throat to push me out of his way instead of asking me to move. I felt like a rag doll being flung here and there. At the first sign of his anger, I learned not to talk or reply, I just let him rant and rave but that sometimes angered him more. There was no defusing the situation, he would yell and argue so much that I think he enraged himself without any input from me. It was the fear and shock from me that he thrived on, I am convinced of that now. For two years this cycle repeated itself over and over. Feelings of helplessness gripped me. How could I leave him and never look back? I did not have an answer to that. As I sit here today, I am praying for the strength, healing and courage to go on and close this chapter of my life for good.

Last edited by SoulSeeker; 08/13/10 03:02 PM.
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Tiger
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Tiger
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Hi SoulSeeker!

Welcome to our BellaOnline Forum!

Joined: Jun 2009
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J
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J
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Hello Angela, Just wondering about your handle ... by Walking Editor ... does this mean that you have a treadmill happening while you work ... in other words - your work station is attached to your treadmill? I've head of a few people doing this - they tell me it helps them stay fit and surprisingly many of them find that their outlook on life is better now too! Or ... am I totally wrong about your handle?

Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 79
Amoeba
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Amoeba
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 79
Hello. =)

Joined: Jun 2010
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hello soul seeker, when i read ur story, it sounded to me like a carbon copy of my own. maybe you can read my earlier posts. Same initial behaviour, abuse starting from slaps, to punches, to kicks, then a head injury, then throwing against walls n floor, then suffocation ! i am sorry for what is happening to u but u have to get out - read as much as u can about all our stories and try to find the strength to leave him for good. i left my ex, im happy now...keep a record of the abuse, talk to someone about it, find help. i know leaving a relationship is hard but he abuses u....he isnt nice to u....i cant tell u how u can stop loving him...but blv me...its an illusion that u love...u will have to fight ur feelings...be strong...plz..dont waste ur life...im sorry if u dont like what im saying but im saying this in total sincerity...

Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 79
Amoeba
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Amoeba
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 79
Lostforever, I did leave him, actually I moved to another state. I know my post was not clear on that fact. It's only been 6 days. The scars run deep. So deep, in fact, that I know it will take me a long time to move past it and leave him completely in my past. While he has spent the past 6 days trying to talk me into coming back, he's already searching for his next 'victim'. It's amazing how bold he can be. Oh, and the lies... I'm determined to pick myself up from this one... He's not worthy of the pain he has caused me but that fact doesn't change anything, it's there, unfortunately. I've been through most of what you described in your post. And the "Accidental-Ooops" abuse, what I called when he acted like he wasn't paying attention and literally caused me bodily harm and apologized saying he didn't mean to do it. I'm a very forgiving person so of course, I always forgave but I've reached a time where forgiveness isn't enough and it will take me a long time to forget. I'm through with him but I do need to find the strength to NEVER take him back like I have done repeatedly in the past. That is the part that scares me the most... after a month or two (before I fully have time to begin the real healing process) and he starts begging and pleading, telling me all his lies and I crumble, I believe him and the vicious cycle starts over again. I pray daily for the strength to finally, once and for all, gain enough courage to never allow anyone, him included, to treat me disrespectfully or abuse me. Thank you for your post and advice =)

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These posts are heartbreaking... Maybe it would help if you could REALLY realize that what you love about him is TRULY an illusion... Nothing that you love about him is actually real, and once you realize that something is not real at all... you cease to love it because you cannot love something that doesn't exist! Be strong girl!

Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 79
Amoeba
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Amoeba
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 79
Social, I find more strength with each day that passes but I know I have a long road to healing. I'm embarrassed and humiliated that I allowed such abuse to control my life for so long. It angers me but I know in order to move past this and find healing, I must forgive him and let it go (let him go). Easier said than done.

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So much have what you said rings true in my head! What they do is make you second guess yourself, make you think you are crazy, and that what is happening is not as bad as you think, or that it's your fault.. or in my case, deny it! You have to find a support system of strong people who will be there for you. When you feel lonely, like you need him.. call them!! When you are sad.. call them! The only way I made it through was by taking other peoples support, when before I was the type of person to never ask a favor. I was embarrassed and ashamed just like you are.. and I still am.. but I am also prouder every day I keep going! I am now 2 1/2 months free.. and I was with mine for 18 yrs of my life.. It is really hard to be alone, but I think of all the horrible things he did and said to me.. and I know that this feeling will pass and soon will come better days. If you go back, you will eventually have to go through this all over again.. Stay strong! Use your supports!! Don't be afraid to ask for help! And - you don't have to forgive him... not now.. and you don't have to let it go. I hope you are going to counseling.. that has helped me a lot too! You are in my thoughts!!

Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 79
Amoeba
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Amoeba
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 79
You are SO right... second guessing myself, he would try to make me feel crazy and try to make me believe everyone else thinks I am crazy when it is HIM that is really crazy. So true, ALL of what you said. I say it everyday, I have to be strong enough to resist him when he begs, pleads, cries, coaxes me, lays guilt trips on me, etc. I've fallen for his promises of change many times only to be thrown right back into the abuse, anger, harsh words, violence... I feel as if he doesn't love me or want me yet he says he can't live without me. How can a person say they love you when they treat you worse than anyone else even imagined treating you. He has used Religion, God, people, everything in his grasp and some that wasn't in his grasp against me. Making me feel like I am the one doing wrong by leaving him. My family, kids, friends... everyone I know hates him. They have begged me repeatedly not to ever take him back. They worry about me even when I don't. I betrayed them all two different times because I was weak, vulnerable, lonely, hurt... It's the good times we had together that kept me holding on for so long. There were so many good things about him that I absolutely loved but when I weigh the good and bad now, I see only the way he treated me with such contempt and disrespect. I do have a good support group with my family and friends but they do not see the full effect it has had on me. They just see him and his abusive behavior. I am checking into domestic violence support groups. More than anything, I want to heal from this so I never find myself in a position similar to this again. Thank you for your reply, your words encouraged me immensely..

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