BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Want Marriage, Don't Want Kids

I am a professional singer. I'm half-way there. Playing big clubs, aching to make more of a name for myself. I'm 26. I want to get married. Secretly, I really do want to get married. I have had two marriage proposals from two different long terms but....I don't want kids. This has broken up both relationships. That and the fact that so many men hate it when their girlfriends are performers. They want control and can't control you when you're onstage! (My personal experience) The worst part: I tell my boyfriend that I don't want kids within the FIRST MONTH of dating, always. It saves us time. I say that my career is priority... spell it all out and now two relationships.... both lasting coincidentally 10 months each...have ended because I don't want kids. I know I'm young but this history isn't giving me much hope for someone to come along who will actually listen. I don't want or need a bf right this second. I'm still working on getting over my last one. I'm also in the midst of creating a new show and starting work on an album. I just need to know that there are men out there who are on my page. Somehow. I feel so angry since I communicate very well and still lose.

You WILL find a man who also doesn't want kids. He's out there....it may take some time, but he will be worth the wait.

Good for you on the career!!

ps...maybe do some interviews in the press and mention that you are looking for marriage with no kids...???

I would say it's definitely harder for a woman to find a man who doesn't want kids than visa versa. Children do not affect a man's daily life or career as much as they do a woman's. Strictly speaking, male dominated careers are paid better than woman's. That's not to say that we know they aren't as important, they just seem to hold less value. Most sociologists attribute this to bias against women in the work force. I remember sitting in a sociology class in college in college learning about this. The even sadder truth is that regardless of career, a woman will lose 7% of her future expected income for every child she has. This is due to taking time off for maternity leave (losing time in the field is a loss of experience and slows the rate at which one gets promoted and raises), and time she takes out to raise the kids.

Of course, people say that the man could take on most these duties. But, logistically, he can't. I know if I got pregnant tomorrow and actually decided to keep the baby, I'd be the one having to stop work. As respected as my career is (Biologist), my husband literally makes 4 times as much money as I do being a computer programmer. How could I possibly expect him to take time off of work to care for a sick baby? We can't risk him losing his job, now can we?

::sigh:: Sorry to rant. It's tough. But, hopefully you'll at least find a man like my husband. I wouldn't say he "wants" kids, but he wouldn't be as adverse to them as I am. In other words, had he married a woman who wanted kids he's of happily done so. Luckily, he's smart enough to understand. He understands that having no desire to have children plus all the hindrances that come along with it make it impossible for me to have them. Also, luckily, he says he'd rather have me than anything else in the world. So far, we've been happily married 6 years. He will also admit he enjoys the trade-offs of not having kids (extra money, free time, sleeping in on Saturdays, traveling, etc...).

So, there is hope for you. I promise.

-D

Carly, Finding a child-free guy is like finding a guy with any other desired trait - you just have to keep your eyes open until the right person strolls into view. I've been married for 10 years to a man who likes children less than I do. You'll find him when the time is right. One thing that occurs to me. When you say you don't want kids, how do you frame it? If you qualify not wanting kids (I want to focus on my career, not kids) it sounds like you are open to change if the qualifier changes. If you lost your voice tomorrow, would you suddenly want children? Or the guy hears "When I give up on my silly dream of becoming famous, I'll want kids." A flat out, I don't like kids and I will not have them is a powerful message that gets through the thickest skull. Say that a month into the relationship and see what happens. Just a thought, Kim

carly....there are men out there who dont want or need kids. just stick to your beliefs and and dont change your mind and u will find someone who thinks like u do. good luck with your singing career.

I think that you're doing the right thing by being open from the beginning. What you need to keep in mind, is that many people ASSUME that although a person professes that they do not want children, they will change their mind eventually. I went through a similar situation with a man who I shared a two year relationship with. I,like you, expressed my not wanting kids after a few months. However, he would from time to time make comments such as, "You might change your mind." Once he looked at a pregnant woman and then at me with this weird expression that made me want to gag! lol. The grand finale was when he said to me, "the two of us are a couple, but a child would make us a family." What a P***y! Anyway, I broke it off because (among other issues) he was in denial.

Please do not lose hope. There are men that do not want children out there. There are even dating sites for people that do not want kids. Keep an open mind even though it can be challenging. Also, I wish you the best on your growing music career. Music is a great way to leave a legacy!


I should add that I am now married to a great man that accepts my feelings completely. People say that because he's younger, he may change his mind. However, I refuse to dwell on that. I would rather nurture our relationship.

Dolyn, first of all, your posts are always so intelligent and grounded. Second of all I quoted that section of your post because it says so much. Isn't that what marriage is about. If my husband needed a child to be happily married to me, I would have to question our marriage. it's one thing to need love, security, but another entirely to need another human being to bring about happiness in a marriage...those are my feelings.

Ditto misstalia!

I hear you ...when you find the right guy ... this won't even be an issue - so don't worry you'll find it will all work out for the better

Thanks Mistallia:) I love everyone on here's postings. We are all so different, yet the same.