BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Not sure I want kids, my husband does

I am new to this forum and have read a lot of posts as it is a revelation to me to see just how many emotions there are in deciding or trying to decide re the CF issue. Reading the thread of this post has made me realise just how fortunate I was in that I never ever doubted my decision to be CF and that I also found a life partner who agreed with my decision wholeheartedly. I really feel so sorry for the turmoil of emotions you guys are going through, outside pressure is bad enough when you are 100% happy with your decision! it must be more so when you are trying to get your head round it yourself. I am so happy to have found this forum as I now know I am not as unusual as I thought, but having read the words of wisdom provided in this thread(well done guys)I feel it is worth its weight in gold if it can help anyone facing these problems as they are unlikely to get the prospective from the CF side anywhere else!! I only hope you will be able to come to a decision that makes YOU happy as trust me lifes way too short to live for OTHER people. Sending you all a virtual hug :)

Very well put Jewelsrus. I couldn't have put it any better. I so agree with every word in your post. We're definately on the same page on this issue.

cp

Thanks cream pie, As I said this forum is just great and its been fantastic reading so many other CF's comments which I relate to and find so inspiring. It sure bugs me that people think my choice for being CF is something they can discuss with no regard for my feelings and it especially makes me angry that people who are having difficulty deciding if the CF way is the one for them are being bullied into making a choice that may be right for OTHER people but not for THEM. It shouldn't be a them or us situation but one thing I have come to discover is that seems to be the way it is :( which is all the more reason why I am glad this forum exists for the us's of this world :)

Hi all, As an update I am still confused and still upset. I have started seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. I have been to the therapist both with and without my husband but it hasn't been that long and it is a slow process. I'm trying to figure out what my deal is. Is it that I don't want kids or do i but i am just scared. I am scared of so many things. Sometimes I think it is helpful. Sometimes i think it is just hard and expensive. I recently did a google search and think i am tokophobic which i had never heard of before but seems like it describes me. Anyone else have this? It is the phobic fear of pregnancy and childbirth. More often it seems to revolve around the childbirth part but for me it is the pregnancy fear that resonated. It just doesn't sound doable to me. This may sound weird but to me it is similar to someone stretching their earlobes or neck (as you see in tribal pics). Does that make sense? It just doesn't sit well with me. I don't like medical things anyway. So that physical fear is one irrational fear I am dealing with. The other fears of having a baby are more standard such as the financial, emotional, logistical, all of that stuff that i think everyone has to some extent, or should, but maybe since i am high anxiety i have more intense fear. I also worry about depression. It has all become harder recently as i feel like an island when almost all of my friends (aside from work) are having / have had kids. I feel a lot of pressure from society, friends, my husband, and myself. I have discussed adoption with my husband as an option but he is pretty against it. He feels strongly that he wants biological children. I can 't fault him for his feelings even though it is hard for me to relate. We are sort of programmed to want to have children just as we are programmed as humans to be attracted to the opposite sex. Though some of us aren't. Anyhow, it is difficult. I have promised him i am going to try to work through my issues as much as i can. I owe him that as he is a great guy. I feel sometimes overwhelmed and can't take the pressure. I feel like i have to jump off a cliff on a bungy or lose my husband. It isn't that simple, but.. We have also discussed surrogacy as an option. Any input, stories, advice there? I have been crying more. I think about this issue every day, often, it consumes me. Very few people seem to understand. I have looked online for support groups that meet and haven't found any, partly bc i don't know what to search for. There are support groups for infertility, that is an easy search, and divorce, and childless, but not for unsure confused if i want children married people? Although I know so many more people must feel the way i do. The only thing that makes me happy lately is my dogs. They are the best. We are going away for our 5 year anniversary soon. I turn 35 soon. There was an article in Marie Claire magazine this month related to pregnancy and depression which is interesting and worth reading if that is a concern of yours. This is so hard. I hope i look back in a few years and wonder what i was so worried about. I am a worrier. This forum is really helpful. I hope everyone is doing well. Thanks for all of the advice, concern, stories.. Best

poshmog any updates?

Sometimes I also think "I should just do it" just suck it up and do it. Is it like jumping into a swimming pool? aaah The anticipation is worse and then once you are in you enjoy just like everyone said and you thought you might? When I envision our future I can see a family (small) but good. I just can't see the connection or the way from here to there. It is like logically I think it will work out somehow but emotionally I just do see it or feel how i can do it.

Hello upsetconfused
Until you are 100% certain that you want to be a mother, may I suggest you wait . 'Cause once you've got that babe in your arms you've got at least another 18 yrs of... well, motherhood and all that goes with it. hmmmmm.

cp

Upsetandconfused, first of all, being afraid of being pregnant and giving birth is NOT an irrational fear. Being pregnant is not an innocuous event, like being around clowns (my sister is seriously afraid of clowns). Pregnancy is a medical condition that can cause and/or exacerbate any number of medical ailments. The old, "it's natural, it's what we are programmed to do" is a well known myth among the Evolutionary Biology community. Natural? Yes. Programmed to do? Not really. We are actually programmed to fight it. The maternal-fetal conflict that has been waged over eons of evolution has led to an arms race between woman, man, and fetus. For instance, there are imprinted genes (genes that are expressed solely from maternal DNA or paternal DNA) that come from the father that promote placental growth for the fetus. That's great for the fetus who is sucking up all the nutrient's from mom's blood. Also great for the father who insures his offspring receives extra nourishment and a better shot at surviving to reproduce his genes. However, this is not so great for the mother, so women in turn have had to evolve genes to attempt to "combat" the fetus, limiting its growth so that we aren't completely used up by the process of reproducing. I didn't mean to get all sciency, but I thought it was important that you understand there is NOTHING wrong with not liking the idea of giving birth. Just ask that poor woman from Texas who caught a flesh eating bacteria after giving birth (compromised immune system plus uterine opening = bad) and had to have both her arms and legs amputated. As for your husband, of course he wants his own biological children. Sperm are physiologically cheep. Why raise someone else's kid when he can make his own? I'm not saying it's always a conscious thought process with men, but it's biological for sure. You getting pregnant will not harm him in anyway, so why not push it? And, before I get accused of it, I'm not afraid of childbirth at all. I've never been a big pain wimp or freaked out at the sight of blood. My biggest fears come after birth. The part where they make you take the baby home with you, and you have to deal with it. I agree with everyone else who says you should not do it unless you really want to. I'm sorry, but the whole "jump in, get it over with, you'll see it's fine" approach is not effective when it comes to having kids. It often leads to resenting the other spouse for talking you into it, and even sometimes worse, resenting the child. You have seen mothers with children who look like they dislike their kids. They probably do, but most won't admit it. It's an obvious taboo. I think continuing therapy is a great idea, and will really help to reflect upon your true feelings. Do me a favor though? Ask your psychiatrist if not wanting to have children is actually considered a psychiatric problem? If he says yes, you need a new therapist. Choosing to be childfree is not a recognized psychological disorder. It's a choice, and you don't want to be getting advice from someone who is biased. I wish you luck. Pet your puppies for me:)

Does anyone know where to find in person support groups for things like this? I haven't had any luck. Thanks Also if you have any other links to helpful websites, fee free. I know there are some within some of the forums but am not that great at navigating. What are the best or favorites? Thanks again. UC

I haven't read all the answers you got about you being tokophobic, but I felt it so personally I had to answer right away: I also thought I was that. I also found it in google. But I know such condition cannot really exist. First of all a phobia is an irrational fear of something. Also, to be considered problematic, they have to affect your life in a profound way, for example, making it hard for you to function in your daily life.

THERE IS NOTHING IRRATIONAL ABOUT FEAR OF PREGNANCY AND BIRTH!!!

For real phobias:

FIRST: If you are afraid of flying, your fear maybe considered irrational, since airplane accidents are really rare in comparison to other daily activities like driving a car or taking a bath which cause a lot more accidents. If you are afraid of spiders, well, most of them are harmless, they are just ugly. These are the facts. A phobic person knows that, but somehow cannot get over it.

SECOND: if a real phobic gets psychological help, s/he might pluck up the courage to get on board of a plane (or touch a spider), learn techniques to relax, and might end up, if not overcoming, at least controlling the fear.

As far as a "tokophobic" is concerned.

FIRST: Pregnancy deforms your body. Your internal organs are pushed around by the embryo/ phoetus. Some women feel sick, some get swollen ankles, some get heartburn, some get back pains, some insomnia, some get all of the above. Birth is an extremely violent "physiological process". An over 3 kilo human being is going to come out of you [censored] after hours (between 6 and 35, depending on your luck) of excruciating pain. Women all over the world die daily because of birth. Tell them about tokophobia. Your body (out of experience) is never the same. Your pelvic region weakens, you are very likely to get yourself some very nice piles. Add to both of them some aesthetic side effects (very unpolitical to admit you care about) and I think you got yourself a very long list of absolutely non irrational facts.

SECOND: No matter how much therapy you undergo, these facts won't change. Unlike real phobics, if you "face your fears" you will live the sheer horror. If you have a plane phobia but you manage to control your fear, you will be relieved to see that the plane lands safely after a couple of hours. If you are "tokophobic" all the horrors you have fantasized about will actually materialize.

Also, if you don't want a child, there is really no reason to want to face so much. Actually, if this was a real phobia, it would be one that doesn't stop you from functioning normally in life. Like being afraid of snakes, if you live in city.

I don't rule out there are women out there who want a baby very much and these fears stop them from achieving their dream. But I still think you could never call that a phobia.