BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Not sure I want kids, my husband does

................................................. "Then I met my child-loving husband, and I started to freak out, thinking that I might have "brainwashed" myself into not liking children because birth is such a horrible thing, and I started then to "brainwash" me into believing that if everybody does it and seems to think it is great, I might enjoy it too. I suddenly started thinking that maybe I had buried my maternal feelings because of some phobia. I was going crazy for months, on an emotional roller coaster that made me suffer like I had never suffered. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted anymore." .................................YUP!...................Thats how i was...its so annoying to even have that conversation..but being a woman is hard to run away from the question "So when do you think you'll have a baby?" I always want to be really immature about it and crack a joke..(But let me tell you it doesn't work!) To be honest with u...the whole process is gross to me. I cant explain why!? and thats what trips me out the most. I have a question for you....are u having pressure from the "in-laws" yet? HAHAHA u know what happened the other day..(by the way i think its bullshit) his dad brough a fuckin toy, he like found it somewhere and my husband asked.."why did you bring that? what are you gonna do with it?" and his dad answered "Oh, I think i'll save it for when you and your wife (me) have kids" and he put this ridiculous puppy face on..I thought it was funny..but at the same time..it made me feel kinda bad..cuz he has no idea how i feel about children. oh honey! wait till they start knocking at your door..lol I WANT GRANDCHILDREN -(sight)..[censored] off folks I'm 20 yrs old..and you are 35..*the biological clock is ticking* so they tell me and even though i might have years to go..if i still feel this way at your age..Im not gonna do it. My husband loves kids..like LOVES! them...and im like.."oh hi(wave)little one..PEACE!(as in bye!)" While hes all up on them ..brings them to my face..and im like..(smile) okay? are u done?! It scares me that years from now we wont be together because of this..but [censored] it, im gonna live my life how i want it. We don't all have the same purpose..God always takes care of me..so either way..kids/no kids..hubby or no hubby...young or old..I'm gonna do what pleases me and I'm not gonna put myself through something I dont want to do. Its hard some times...being in the "undecided" box..and dealing with the expectations of society. Just take into perspective that most babies are OOPS babies..maybe not by God but by humans yes..and they all have a destiny..some aren't even born..I know some girl that has had like 7 or more abortions..But she did have one baby...I wonder what makes that baby so different? Personally..I think she had him out of guilt...Now girlfriend has no freedom and shes my age. (shrugs)She still looks good though..just has a baby boy screaming for her constantly...(shrugs) idk.. I'm guessing something must CLICK..in ur brain ..Should we all just wait for that? Maybe it wont ever "click" keep me updated.

Upsetconfused - I can relate to you 100%... and I mean word for word. I turn 37 in a few weeks and I am absolutely tortured by having to make this decision. I hope we can figure this out.

Hi forum, I have not logged on in a while, but this issue is still something I think about daily. Sometimes I feel a bit more optimistic than others. I haven't made too much progress. As i get older, I start to feel more comfortable w the idea of kids. Everyone around me is increasingly having them. Time is moving faster as I get older. I am still scared of everything. I think my biggest fears are the pregnancy itself and then the newborn stage. I think that is unusual bc most people seem to fear the delivery the most. Anyhow, I think people are talking about this issue more, but not nearly enough. Women I work with are the most likely ones who understand. but even many of them really want kids and i'm sure will have no problems having them. We were visiting friends from home recently and their babies and i always like them but just feel the "discussion" coming on after bc my husband is sort of jealous. Often that turns into an argument and me crying. This time he asked me why i couldn't be normal and "everyone else does it". he doesn't mean this and apologized but he doesnt fully get it as i guess many men dont. I think he really thinks most women just move along and want kids and easily have them. Partly bc he's a guy and maybe partly bc of his background or sheltering? i don't know. I know he loves me but this isn't going away. It is just a constant looming stress. I really don't know how to figure this out. I can relate to someone above saying they technically can't now bc they need to buy a house etc. and that is somewhat of a relief for me too as i have those current other excuses like our apt is too small, we need to do this and that first. I can't remember what i have said and not before but i almost wish i wasn't able to have kids, is that sick? then it wouldn't be my decision. I do feel more comfortable adopting as some sort of compromise but my husband doesn't want that. i sort of get it but sort of don't. sigh.

just to add on, i also feel that hoping that something must "click" in the brain to help you either just become ready, or not. i also in a way feel like i am waiting for that. but i don't know if i am waiting for something real that will happen.

started thinking that maybe I had buried my maternal feelings because of some phobia. this quote from above solalux also caught my attention bc i keep thinking that is what i am doing and justifying my hesitation to my husband that way. truthfully i have no idea what it is. scared, phobia, anxiety, not wanting them...a combo..none of the above? wish this were easier.

I was thorougly convinced that I had no maternal instinct whatsoever. Then my husband (who wants kids when he knows full well I don't) #*(%3) with my birth control and I wound up pregnant. I went the "home remedy" route, which is simple, but in NO WAY EASY!!!It was VERY intensive, involving round-the-clock supplementation, and tons of concentraion, prayer and visualization. 48hrs. later, after my "positive"(and boy I tell you I use that word with the UTMOST in LOOSENESS *LOL*)pregnancy test, my period returned and I was no longer pregnant. But the night before my period, I had a dream that stirred up a whole mess of feelings I didn't even know I had. I had a dream of myself sleeping, and a little glowing dot emerged from out of my belly, floated towards & out the window, and up into the sky until it was so high I couldn't see it anymore. Then, I was suddenly hit (more like SLAMMED) with the realization that that dot was the spirit of the egg. My child. Leaving me forever. And it was then I was swept away with those maternal feelings and for a moment there it was really overwhelming. But then, my 999 reasons for not having a kid sprang to mind, my logic kicked in and I was able to calm down and go back to sleep. I keep in mind now not to discount them so much, but I also know now that it has more to do with a hormonal rush than an actual desire or longing. Human beings are BORN hard-wired with the imperative to breed. For us childfrees, it may be so small it can easily be mistaken for being absent! BUT, biology ISN'T destiny. We can, and often do(especially us CFer's) override this "programming". To be a slave to impulse (with no logical thinking to override it) makes humans no better than animals. Upsetconfused: you say your husband might be your "soulmate", but if you want different things in life, that leads me to suspect he may be more your KARMIC soul mate, which is different than the kind you're probably thinking of. You ever heard of those? They're people who are meant to come into your life to help you learn a life lesson or teach you something about yourself, or help you with a particular task in life. Maybe you've arrived to a convergence point on your lesson? Most romantic relationships occur between karmic soul mates, mistaking that "special bond" feeling with being that of the more "permanent" soul mate variety, the "twin-flame". Sorry if that's a little "hocus-pocus" to you. Just puttin' it out there *LOL*

Frankly if my husband '#*(%3) with my birth control and I wound up pregnant' that would be grounds for divorce in my eyes. NO-ONE apart from you has the right to control your choice to reproduce. On the plus side, I'm glad you managed to resolve the situation CactusHeart

Just thought I would update. Still not much change in the status. I am beginning to see a counselor but hasn't been long. We are searching for a larger place now just in case. It would be nice to have one anyway, but maybe it is partly a stalling. It still hasn't changed, little times here and there I can visualize it. It still overwhelms me. I have started to really feel the clock. sigh.

upsetconfused, I hope you find out what you really want soon, b/c being in-between (undecided) is pure hell, I know b/c I went through it. It's so much torture. Just remember that whatever you decide, you have to be comfortable with it. It has to be for your happiness because ultimately you'll live with that decision for the rest of your life.

My deciding to be CF is bringing another set of torture, it's like I can't get a break from this kid issue when all I want to do is close the door and get on with my life. Only time will tell whether I get to have it all (CF AND my husband), but whatever the outcome, I'm sticking to my choice b/c I know deep down that is what feels RIGHT.

any updates to your story? I feel like I am in same position!