BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids He wants kids: What to expect if you stay

Hi Everyone! First, a refresher: I told DH before we got married about not wanting children. He was ok with it then. 7 years in, he has changed his mind, which he is certainly entitled to. He has said that he wants a baby with me rather than just having one for the sake of it. He has said he will not leave me if I cannot give him a child, that I am his life partner and whatever decisions we make, we will deal with them and stay together. Alot of people on this board are wondering what they should do, some have made up their minds, some have had their minds made up for them (love you, Cassie!). Here is a primer of what to expect during the day to day minutae of remaining with a man who would like to have children when you're pretty sure you don't, at least in the beginning. 1. If he has an "off" day, you will wonder if it's because of "that," and you will probably feel some guilt. 2. When you see any kind of film together dealing with kids, no kids, family, abortion (think Revolutionary Road), you will wonder what's he thinking. Ditto for families in the supermarket, whether they're having an easy time or a hard one. 3. You will make compromises with yourself (only half jokingly) and tell yourself you will give him whatever else he wants during the next 60 years. Then you'll resent that you even feel that way, but some small weird part of you will still think it's fair. 4. You'll feel like you have to do something really special with your life, career, with some outward, measureable sign of success because, damnit, you didn't want a kid, so you'd better do something worthwhile with your life to show him the sacrifice was worth it and that you're doing something with the personal freedom you didn't want to give up. 5. When something wonderful happens with that career, you'll be afraid to come home and tell him about it because you know he won't be as excited as you are- because your career stands for what you'd like to be doing with your time instead of having a baby. 6. Big knot in stomach develops on the way home from work. See #5. 7. You'll read into every little piece of different behavior: the more restrained behavior where there was lots of affection, the calls from work just to say "hello" that don't come anymore, the quiet retreat into whatever hobby he has occurring more often now... 8. The weird dreams about kids/no kids/any thing related that you can't wake up and tell him about. 9. The feeling of losing your best friend because there's something you don't feel comfortable talking to him about. 10. The need to talk to other people about your marriage where you didn't have to before, and the result secretive and guilty feelings you have about doing that. See #9. 11. Sometimes you will think to yourself, "Why can't he see how lucky he is? A lot of guys don't want the responsibility of having kids!" And immediately after that, you will feel guilty and think, "But that's really mean. He's entitled to want what he wants." And you will tear yourself apart with thoughts like these. 12. You will wonder what you'll do if he does leave you. Where will you go? Do you have enough money saved for retirement? Will you have to change your life drastically to provide for yourself if he leaves? Will your family support you, or will they say, "Why didn't you just give him a baby?" My Mom has been saying this already. You may have to tweak these to fit your own experience, but this is a starter. Anybody else have anything to add? I'm all ears! Love you all! This board is my sanity during this difficult time, and you are all saving my life!

Geez! There are a few comments that I have. As far as #4 and #5...Don't you think your husband is proud of your achievements. I don't see how he would equate them with childbearing. As far as worrying about him leaving...I'd have a game plan. Do you have separate savings, family you could stay with, I'm sure your fam would rather you live with them, then struggle on your own? Although, you husband has stated that you are his life partner! It sounds like being with you is more important to him than spreading his seed..lol. I think that's great.

Also, it's upsetting that your mom would even think, "Why didn't you just give him a baby?" It's as if giving someone a baby is as casual as writing them a check for 25 dollars.

ooh sorry, I meant #5 and #6!
Also, thanks for the insight into everything else.

Thanks misstalia! He did say those things, which is awesome, but it wouldn't be realistic of me to be a pollyanna about this. Won't it be difficult for our marriage to thrive when guilt and resentment are beginning to permeate through this matter? Even if he says he'll get over it, I think I'll always wonder if he's really resentful. That's no way to live in a happy marriage.

Wow VirgoGirl.....I can really relate to a lot of what you said in your post. All the agony of worrying if I could be enough for my husband without giving him babies (which clearly I am not), and wondering what is going through his mind (I still feel this) when we see movies or commercials with kids in them. And yes, the extended periods of time where his mind has been elsewhere with hobbies or other activities. I will say that I constantly worried when the subject would come up again and again through the years, and I prayed that it wouldn't, because it stressed me out to think about it and tell him no again in regards to having a family. It hurt me that I was hurting him. I wish things could be different for us but my husband admitted to me last night that he is not in love with me anymore and hasn't been for a long time. Telling him I never would have kids and pushing him away in bed for years because I was afraid to get pregnant pretty much destroyed his desire for me. That painful realization will haunt me for a very long time. I hope I can forgive myself in the future, because it is killing me that I have to lose him over this. To be married and to have to deal with this situation is so hard. There are just no guarantees that we will be enough to our men when they are thinking about having kids and we are not on the same page. It seems crazy that they could leave a loving woman and a good relationship, but it does happen. Hang in there VirgoGirl. I wish I had some good advice for you but your situation and mine are similar enough. You know my story. I hope it does not become yours.

Oh Cassie- I'm so sorry about what happened to you last night. Even though you knew he was leaving, this is another nail in the coffin. I'm so sorry for you, and I'm thinking of you lots tonight. Please be kind to yourself. You could never give him what he wanted without changing the very fiber of your being, and no woman should have to do that. Motherhood changes everything about you. I am terrified of this and it's one of the things holding me back. No advice necessary. And you're right about our situations. Sometimes I find myself talking myself into pregnancy because he promises he will help me shoulder the load. I know he would, and he's a wonderful hubbie. But I just never wanted this for myself.

VirgoGirl: I have a lot of personal issues to work through in regards to my failed marriage. It is hard to be kind to myself right now when I feel at least partially responsible for what is happening. When I move far away from my husband after the divorce this summer I am hoping that the new surroundings will help me get a better perspective.

I agree with you on this....I did feel that if I had a baby for him that my life would be ruined, and what makes up "me" would be lost to the constant needs of a baby. My greatest fear was to lose touch with myself and become a robot going through the motions of being a mother.

Once again, those of us who know we, and our marriages, would probably be better off without having a child are made to feel guilty - as if having a child is a "right" - the default setting for life, no matter what! Why does the partner who wants a child have more of a right to their need to have a child then the partner who has a need not to? And why does the partner who wants the child think that they have the right to force the other partner to procreate as a condition for continuing the marriage? Don't marriage vows mean anything anymore? Why is the need to procreate considered the one most important need - the only one that trumps everything else - a loving marriage, treating your spouse decently, and honoring your committment to them? Ladies - we still have a LONG way to go!!

Lady M: I wholeheartedly agree with you. I have wondered many times myself where the commitment of my husband's marriage vows has gone. Why isn't "that" the most important thing here to consider?

I got married to stay married for the rest of my life. If there was alcoholism, abuse, or some other terrible thing going on my relationship then I can see the need for a divorce. It galls me that I stayed with my husband and supported him through so many bad times....his infidelity, his money splurges, his sometimes obsession with pornography, his immaturity about household and other responsibilities, his emotional breakdowns, his various medical crisis situations, family issues, his lack of performance while taking panic disorder medication, him putting his needs often before mine, and his 8 year process of working full time and going to school.

I was very committed to this man and I took the bad along with the good, often times ignoring my friends and family when they told me I should leave him. My marriage vows were honored. I know that any other problems we have had through our marriage could have been worked out, if it wasn't for my husband's need to procreate.

The fact that he won't even consider adopting or fostering an older child sickens me, because he is acting totally out of selfishness and his big ego to want kids from his own body, instead of realizing the impact he could make on a child who already exists in this world, a child that needs love, guidance, and a family. Especially at our age this would be a much better route to take then to start out with newborn babies.

Back to the commitment issue, we DO still have a long way to go to be honored and adored for the good, strong women that we are. What we have to offer should be enough for any man, but unfortunately this is not always the case, even after the men have married us for who we are.

I may get flamed for this, but in a lot of cases, the husbands just think that their needs are more importants than ours - that they are somehow "entitled" to have whatever they want - and it is our job to "deliver" (pun intended!!)LOL. Even though women have come a long way towards personal and social equality, the mindsent still exists that if we don't give our husbands whatever it is that they want, they will find someone else who will. And as we know - there are plenty of men who do just that. To be fair, there are probably many women who do it as well, but I think it is more a predominately male behavior - they do it because they can, and their investment in the marriage is more based upon getting their meets met.