BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids 45, MARRIED, PREGNANT BUT DON'T WANT KIDS

a great big thank you to all who have shared their stories, suggestions and comments so far. the website ImNotSorry.net was just what i needed. i spent over an hour reading stories, many of which i could relate to. i also read every single posting in the 'i hate being a mom' forum - wow. what powerful comments by amazing, courageous and inspiring women. you don't know what a blessing this has been. i've never done anything like this - i'm a first time blogger and am so grateful that this place exists. and that you women are out there, willing to listen to others and share your feelings and thoughts with those looking for help. i woke up crying today, totally [censored] off at the world. i don't pray very often as i don't adhere to any particular religion and i never ask for things as i don't feel like it's right. i already have so much... but the past few days i've prayed alot, asking god to show me the way. well, it finally happened... somehow i was led here, i poured my heart out and my cries for help were heard. i now know what to do. from the bottom of my heart, thank you... and i'm sure i owe god an apology because i said some pretty nasty things. the past few weeks i couldn't sleep because i've been so worried and worked up. now i can't sleep because i feel so relieved that i'm on the verge of being excited! i think i want to celebrate, but it's 2 a.m and i have to go to work tomorrow. once i'm through all this and myself again, i hope i can help other women (or men)as much as i've been helped.

sandrake: I agree with the ladies. Listen to your heart and make the decision that is right for you. Get away to somewhere quiet and peaceful and reflect on what is in your own mind and heart. Decide what is best for you without the influence of other people. You WILL be ok. Being true to yourself is the only way to go with this decision, and it's the only way to live your life. I feel for you and I wish you all the best. I am almost 43 and I always dreaded the thought of having kids, because to me it would have been a "prison sentence" like VirgoGirl mentioned. I always worried about the accidental pregnancy so I pushed my husband away in bed. My marriage situation was not the right one to bring children into the world for many reasons. I knew that and chose to be CF because of it. My husband now wants a divorce after 16 years of marriage and 19 yrs together. He wants to go off to persue his dream of having his own family. Still, I am happy within myself in making the choice to be CF. I didn't realize until just recently that my choice was "selfless", not selfish like so many people would want me to believe. Go with your heart, sandrake. If you listen to it you will not go wrong. You are responsible for your own happiness, and your inner self knows the right answer for you.

I am glad someone posted that link for you. Add my name to the list of women who never wanted kids, got pregnant and had an abortion. I was not married at the time but in a long term relationship with the man I eventually married. I don't have any regrets. Sure I sometimes think about it but I have the same thoughts about any path not taken.

I found this site because I needed peace like you but in a different way. I've lost 3 babies in a row but like you was very angry at God for doing it. I try to find the reason for it and try to give him a pass for letting me get pregnant and then taking them away. Here you are with so far so good what I would love to have but don't find myself judging you or calling you crazy. There is a reason for all things and God does have our best interest at heart. When he does reveal why this happened you'll have that "aha" moment of understanding and be glad you made that decision. I hope that decision is to let that nurse place that baby in your arms for the first time and feel your heart explode with joy. Take it from a pastor's daughter that has 3 beautiful girls..

I had an abortion. I wouldn't by any means call it a pleasant experience but I don't regret the decision and I am definitely not messed up over it. It was the right choice and one that I'm grateful I was able to make.

Only you can know what the right thing for you is, but I'd suggest if you really don't want a child, it's perhaps better not to have one. Solalux's story is such an important one and speaks a truth that not many people have the courage to voice.

I hope whatever decision you make, you will find peace with it, and wish you all the best. Whatever people say, you have to make the right choice for yourself, because you are the one who will live with that choice.

It happened to me and my husband... twice. It's a very long story about our difficulties with birth control and and inability to find someone who would tie my tubes (being under 25 and having no children). Truthfully, as soon as those + signs popped up I felt like my life was over. All I wanted was for it to go away. The only thing that scared me was that my husband would hate me. He knew when we got married that I didn't want kids, and he said he was okay with it either way (knowing children effect a woman's life more than a man's). Saying you are okay with not having kids and knowing the possibility is there because your wife is currently pregnant is a totally different thing. The first time he was totally on board with me having an abortion because we had only been married a year and didn't have much money. We lived in the worlds smallest 1 bedroom apartment, and both our incomes were very necessary. So, I had the abortion, and had never been so relieved in my life. No longer having faith in my birth control, I set out on a mission to try to get someone to tie my tubes. It was an impossible feat. The second time I got pregnant I was a couple years later. My husband and I were much better off financially, had a big house, and I had just begun a graduate degree. It was just so unbelievable. When I went to my husband crying with the test in hand he hugged me and said, "It's okay, we'll figure it out." I was panicked thinking, "figure it out? What's to figure out? All I want is a number to the nearest women's clinic!" I literally thought for 2 days I was going to be forced to have a baby or lose my husband. He kept talking about how I could still go to school full time, we could afford childcare during the day and his parents would love to help out. All I could do was cry. The thought of having to spend anytime dealing with a child sent me into a panic. My life would drastically change, and I liked my life! Well, it took a few days, but my husband finally saw that I was not okay with any of it. He said, "If you can't find any happiness in this, don't do it for me. I don't need it. I only need you, always." I was so relieved. I made an appointment ASAP to terminate, and it all went well. After that, my husband went with me to a gyno and we both yelled at him to get my tubes tied. It finally worked, and I got that done 2 years ago. My husband and I have been married 6 years, and we are very happy. For me especially, I had no problem having an abortion. I'm a scientist, raised Atheist and pro-choice. I believe an embryo has the potential to be life, but not that it is life (my husband thinks the same way). My only concern was for my marriage, which is still going strong. So, that's how we dealt with our unwanted pregnancies. I have no regrets and I'm not sorry. I made the best decision for me. You will have to decide what is best for you. If you would like to read stories of other women's positive experiences (and yes, there are many) with abortion, you can go to www.imnotsorry.net. There are plenty of married women who have submitted their stories. Good luck! -Dolyn

I understand your feelings, I am 36 and have never wanted children. My husband and I had an accident while I was on birth control when I was 30. I had an abortion and never had an ounce of remorse. If fact I had the exact opposite response, I have never felt happier...we celebrated that night with champagne.

I have been biting my tongue on this one, but decided to post:

Snyckers: I am so, incredibly sorry for your losses. Nothing could be more heartbreaking than the loss of the life you so wanted to bring into the world. You were very gracious in your post and very fair and non-judgmental.

What I kept stumbling over was "let that nurse place that baby in your arms for the first time and feel your heart explode with joy." That statement is one of the biggest statements that women who have chosen to remain child-free are battered over the head with day after day. I don't know how to say this without sounding absolutely mean, but it's an old, tired rationale, and more than a little presumptuous. It's a popular misgiving that the maternal instinct is, indeed, instinctual and that the undying soulful love of motherhood is made manifest and instant with childbirth.

You may not be aware of this and may not be able to relate to it in any way, as you clearly wanted your children and are in a forum largely populated by women who do (or did) not. I would hope that you get to poke around some of the posts a bit more and see how people, for the most part, feel about this concept of "instant love for unwanted child."

I'm happy for you that you have come through what sounds like some heartbreaking sadness to bring forth a healthy family. Most children should be so lucky to be so wanted and loved. I even had to come back and edit this to tell you, again, that I don't want to be mean, hurtful, or offensive to you or anyone here. But please, please understand that throwing that idea out on this board is just another sharp stick in the eye to the women who have already had to defend their decision too many times. I can't describe how wearying it can get.

I really hope I haven't made anyone mad. I just couldn't not say anything anymore.

Sandrake: God bless ya, luv. Thank you for posting here. You've given a lot of people the opportunity to share their experiences and know that there are others out there just like them. I wish you every peace and moment of health (in body, mind, and heart).

Thank you Apple Blossom, for answering that one. I have been biting my tongue (or rather, my fingers, lol) about that comment too. The assumption that you "will explode with joy" when you see the baby, no matter how desperate against having one you were, drives me nuts. I could not have answered so nicely.

Dolyn: Your husband sounds like a self confident, unselfish, strong, and loving person who truly values the relationship the both of you have together. To only need you in his life and to tell you so is a very special thing indeed. Obviously your needs and feelings matter a great deal to him, and it sounds like he adores you. You are a very lucky woman and I am happy for you. I'd sure love to find a guy like that. Does your husband have any nice brothers? LOL!