BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Just wanted to say hello...

And so - hello. I've been reading this forum for a while now and it's been such a comfort to me to find out there are others out there thinking like me. For society I am some weird heartless creature, and here I hope I can feel safe and understood:) So let me introduce myself. I am 29 y.o. female from Poland, independent, in a relationship with a man I love, who of course wants to have children. And what I want is not that clear. Ever since I can remember I disliked kids, even as a kid myself I always looked for a company of people older than me. I still can't tell I love children -not that I hate them but I simply find them so boring! But at the same time I always thought I would like a child one day, but in my mind it was always the picture of me and my almost adult daughter! I realised that some time ago that there was never another option - a boy and a newborn and a toddler....no, I should give birth to a female teenager lol;) Any thought of having a small child is terrible! Thinking about pregnancy, labor and then raising a child which is so time consuming makes me feel trapped and sentenced to death!!!! I am almost 30 now and I think it is time to decide. Do I want to have a real child or not? If I still think I do, I should do it before it's too late. If not, I should tell it to my man to let him find a woman who would give him a child or to let him accept not having a child. But I just don't know. I think I will regret both decisions. I still want a child but can't even imagine this first 10 years phase... And more, there must be sth deeply wrong with me because any thought of my man wanting me to have a child makes me feel angry at him that it is so easy for him to sacrifice my body, my health, my career.... I have a big mess in my head right now. I am writing here not to ask for advise - I think I need some time now when I really faced this issue - but I would truly appreciate some support and understanding that despite not being children-obsessed (like the society nowadays really is)I am not heartless, and I am not going to turn into a crazy spinster one day just because I won't let my maternal hormones take care of me lol. I am joking by in fact I can hear such opinions that having children is a must do for a woman's mental health. Sigh... Well, simply: nice to find your forum and I hope I will stay with you:)

Hello and welcome! Wow! What you wrote is exactly how I feel too! I'm 31 (probably only a couple of years of reproductive life left due to a health problem), have a boyfriend that wants kids, I don't think I do, could see myself with an older daughter though! Cannot imagine having a toddler or a boy though. The idea that my boyfriend wants kids makes me mad too. It would be so easy for him, no wonder he wants them! You're not heartless. I believe there have always been women who didn't want kids, it's just we have the choice now and it's becoming more socialy acceptable. I guess with more choice comes more tough decisions. Anyway, you have come to the right place for support :-)

Thank you for your reply Crocus:) Maybe I'm just beginning to realize that I actually don't want kids. That the imagination in my head is not wanting kid but wanting -I don't know- this special female bond between women of 2 generations? I don't know, I don't understand myself too much at the moment, the very idea of becoming a mother was always something for the far future, now the future is almost here and as you say-not too much time left to reproduce...and this makes me mad and annoyed... Maybe we should establish a group of resistance and become active in the media lol;) I am getting so sick of listening to people telling me "you will change your mind" or "if you are not sure if you want children better have them or you'll regret". Some time ago a male friend of mine told me that he assisted his daughter's birth and really, we women exaggerate, it's nothing special or that painful, for him it was even nice! Wow, what a hero, really:))) and my boyfriend told me that "everyone does it so it cannot be that bad". Well perhaps if I were a man I would be so brave too;) and when I asked him if he decides to quit his job to raise our children because I like my career and actually earn more, he said that he will have to think about it. Right, he will think about it when it's too late for me and he will reply NO and I will have to sacrifice my life then... this is so sad... Also, I think I just have to many "personal borders", I mean, I hate people touching me (except my bf), I hate when they come too close to me, I just need some space around, and the idea of someone living in my stomach and then drinking milk from breast just makes me feel trapped. But still, I can't imagine my old years without a daughter... How difficult that all is? I just wish I could make up my mind and whatever will be decided, not to regret...

To your male friends: birth IS a horrible thing which is only worth if you want children VERY VERY MUCH. Maybe their wives had very easy deliveries or had a nice epidural that worked till the end. Or maybe the hormones help the whole process if you are looking forward to seeing the baby. None of these was my case. It is the worst think that ever happened to me. And birth is not even the end of it. Just imagine how going to the toilet the next days works. You are bleeding for days (in my case weeks). Not to mention other little problems nobody tells you about like hemorrhoids and incontinence. Thank God I have no horror stories about breast-feeding because I refused to do it. Still, feeling guilty, I tried a couple of times and hated it so much that my breast is now off the menu for sex.

When I hear men saying it cannot be that bad because everybody does it I am dead furious. People really take women for granted. You wrote something like that once, Crocus, didn't you? It is like: "come on you are a woman, there is nothing you wouldn't love to do to have a child, right?

Hearing men telling things like this makes me furious too. But the sad thing is that even most women will tell you the same, and it's such a pity-there's no acceptance of a woman who doesn't feel ready to sacrifices for a "prolongation of the species". I've just received a call from a friend whose daughter was born this week. She told me she is happy but that nobody prepared her how terrible it really is after birth, and that she feels like an empty incubator, and so miserable. Exactly like what you wrote above Solalux. Well, anyways, I think I will have to decide in the next year or two and whatever I choose with my boyfriend, I just hope it will be my decision and not because I will let the society and people around make me believe that it's the only way. If I say yes, it will be only for me and for my man.

hey dissa if u are confused weather u want kids or not u would probably be better off without kids. see u can't take the risk of finding out after u have actually done it .there is no way of undoing it later . who says ur heartless ? its just lack of maternal instincts . lol

Thanks Cool ;) actually if you ask who says so - almost everyone around. Maybe I just should learn to become deaf when some people speak;))) Anyways - perhaps it's true it will be safer not to do it. There is only one thing that makes me wonder what if...that is the fact that I react different to my nephew. He is just a kid but it feels different. Not that I am crazy for him, but I really enjoy him being around (but still, for me I can't imagine a son). If not him, I wouldn't even think about it for my boyfriend. But as I said, the good thing is that I found you here and can talk about my strange doubts. Thinking aloud always helps me:)) I believe time will give me the solution. Whatever it will be.