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Re: Tensions with my husband :( [Re: Solalux] #562437 11/06/09 12:08 PM
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I think that it depends on the reasons why people don't want kids. If it is fear about finances, the unknown, baggage from the past, etc., then they might be able to overcome it. However, if they just don't particularly like kids, then that's a different story.

I think that they should parse it out and be specific about their feelings.


Cheryl Lynne Likins, M.A.
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For New Visitors: This forum exists as a support community for people who are living a child-free existence. This area is here to help nurture, inspire and educate those who, for whatever reason, are living their lives without children in the home.

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Re: Tensions with my husband :( [Re: Cheryl-Colleges] #562439 11/06/09 12:42 PM
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Jellyroll Offline
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I'm not sure how your husband truly feels on the subject but it almost sounds to me like he's afraid to lose you.

He may or may not truly want kids. He could be going through a "phase" where he feels his life may pass him by and he'll never know the joys and agonies of raising children. Sometimes people compare their lives to others and think the grass is greener on the other side. Did he ever say he wanted children before the two of you married?

Your husband may want children and is afraid to tell you because you might leave him. He probably feels threatened and vulnerable right now.

I understand how you feel. You want an answer. You want to be sure but I think you both need to consider each other's feelings especially now. It's important to talk about the issue openly with one another. He needs to get his feelings and thoughts out as much as you do. Make him feel comfortable enough to do that. Don't get impatient, don't be upset. I know it's hard but this coming from you is probably making him become stand offish.

He needs time to come to a decision. It took me about 3 years to get these crazy feelings out of me. I later realized I only thought about having children because I was lonely and didn't want to miss out on the experience. It's stupid now that I'm able to look back at myself. Your husband is probably at this stage in life just as I was.

Be clear with your husband, if you haven't already. Let him know you stand by your position and he has to accept that you will never change. He's probably waiting on you to change your mind. And if he tells you he needs kids, then you can end your marriage as you both see fit.

I'm sorry you both are put in such a terrible position. I have had the kids talk with my husband many times. He says he doesn't need kids but there's also something inside him that is curious to have them as well. I made it perfectly clear that he shouldn't waste our lives and if he needs children, he can't be with me. He says he'd rather live child free and have me by side. He says with children his future is unsure but with me, he knows I am a devoted, loving wife and he isn't willing to risk losing that.

Last edited by Jellyroll; 11/06/09 12:44 PM.
Re: Tensions with my husband :( [Re: Jellyroll] #562503 11/06/09 03:12 PM
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Jellyroll, before we got married, we both excitedly wanted kids, but we thought better to wait a few years before having them. But then I turned 35 and thought at the rate I'm going I'll never have them b/c I would never be in that "stage of mind". The thought of pregnancy, childbirth, motherhood left me completely indifferent and bored. That's when I realized kids were not for me, and told my husband of my new decision only earlier this year, after 2 yrs 1/2 of marriage and 4 years of being together. He was shocked and looking back, maybe I was a bit too harsh on him. He probably still thinks I'll change my mind. And maybe he needs a few years to realize what he really wants. I'm hopeful that eventually we'll come to an agreement, whether it is to be a CF couple or separate. Thanks!

Last edited by gullivera; 11/06/09 03:14 PM.
Re: Tensions with my husband :( [Re: gullivera] #562531 11/06/09 06:07 PM
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Jellyroll- As usual, your response is spot on! I always enjoy reading your thoughts. =)

Re: Tensions with my husband :( [Re: on_a_roll] #562960 11/09/09 02:18 PM
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Jellyroll, I am where you were before, I guess I am lonely and don't want to miss out on the experience of having kids. I don't think it's "bad" reason to want kids- I think most well adjusted moms feel this way! Not lonely like "oh I want someone to love me unconditionally"- that is not healthy. But lonely like I love my husband and we hang out all the time, I love my friends, I volunteer for Big Brothers Big Sisters, but I want another person IN MY FAMILY, even if they are foster or adopted. The kicker is I don't want to kill myself doing the work in the process, getting up early and driving the kid everywhere. Oh and my husband doesn't either. So how do I get past this feeling I have all day every day of I am missing out by not having kids?

Re: Tensions with my husband :( [Re: aeon] #563181 11/10/09 02:24 AM
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I guess it really does depend on the scenario in which a family is being entertained. If it's because of financial issues or lifestyle for example- then it is the responsible way to go.



The only thing is that it is a marriage and that means 2 people are involved so both need to be on the same page- at least talk about it. It would be a shame to see a marriage break up when communication could have saved it.


Proud Pagan
Re: Tensions with my husband :( [Re: Maureen-Twisted artist] #563639 11/11/09 03:17 AM
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If you have honestly discovered that you don't want kids, and your husband (like most men) hasn't fully made up his mind, you definitely need to talk things over a bit more. I'm with the others who suggest more communication could save a strong marriage, and of course he may decide he's fine with it. My husband had never thought about it much before we got married, and when I said I didn't want kids it really made him think (he has 5 siblings). Like most people he thought I would change my mind, but a few months into the relationship he realized I wouldn't. We had several serious talks about it before we got married and I basically said I was 99% sure I wouldn't want kids so if he wanted them, I probably wasn't the best choice! We've talked about it on an off since then (married 6 yrs. now) and he still agrees kids wouldn't be a good choice for us.

The timing is so much more crucial for women, so it's no wonder men feel trapped or rushed into making the decision. Men can have kids until they're 90, they can unknowingly father a child who turns up on their doorstep 18 yrs. later, etc. They just aren't as attached biologically as women, or as limited by time. It's all well and good to say wait and see how he feels, but you're 35. I have friends even in their early 30s who can't conceive naturally. You really don't have a whole ton of time, let's say 5 yrs. tops. That gives your husband some time to decide, spend time with some of his friends' kids, do some serious thinking, etc.

A while ago on the articles section of MNK there was one that talked about being on the fence. It said to imagine yourself with a baby, and picture this baby with you for the next six months in your daily activities. I think it's a great idea...you might want to recommend it to your husband!

Re: Tensions with my husband :( [Re: Shnicky] #563782 11/12/09 01:40 AM
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gullivera Offline OP
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Hi Schniky, the dilemma with my husband is that before marrying I told him that I WANTED to have kids, and well into the first 2 years of marriage, so it makes it very hard on him now to know that I don't want kids after all. Had I told him that I didn't want kids when dating or most probably I would not, he probably would have never married me, I'm not sure. I understand he's confused, and for now I've decided to give him time to make up his mind, but I also told him that I need to know his decision sooner rather than later. There's nothing else I can do. I hope for the best!

Last edited by gullivera; 11/12/09 01:42 AM.
Re: Tensions with my husband :( [Re: gullivera] #563810 11/12/09 03:37 AM
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Originally Posted By: gullivera
Hi Schniky, the dilemma with my husband is that before marrying I told him that I WANTED to have kids, and well into the first 2 years of marriage, so it makes it very hard on him now to know that I don't want kids after all. Had I told him that I didn't want kids when dating or most probably I would not, he probably would have never married me, I'm not sure. I understand he's confused, and for now I've decided to give him time to make up his mind, but I also told him that I his decision sooner rather than later. There's nothing else I can do. I hope for the best!



You do need to sit down and discuss this with him. I am sorry to hear that you are having such heartache, but you got to resolve this matter before it causes bigger problems and possibly ruins the marriage.


Proud Pagan
Re: Tensions with my husband :( [Re: Maureen-Twisted artist] #564308 11/14/09 12:47 AM
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I agree. Waiting and seeing how things play out is probably Ok when the issue first arises, but if every time you meet friends with new kids, or friends planning to have kids etc., your husband wants to talk about having kids...it's time to talk. My husband really never, never wanted to have kids and, for a time, it was me who was undecided and wanting to talk about having kids. Finally, he had to sit me down and ask me if I could ever be happy with him, long-term, with no kids and to try to imagine a future like that. At that point, I knew I had to decide and I decided that, yes, I could be happy with him as a childfree couple. I was happy we had that talk because at that time I was feeling resentful towards him. Sitting down and talking really made me see that the decision of whether to stay together or not was mine and I if I chose to stay I had to let go of any child-related resentments.

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