There's been some tension with my husband lately and I wonder if it has to do with my decision to be CF. We decided not to talk about it until he's made up his mind, but lately there was a lot of baby talk around. My friend with her 7 month old visited us, my other friend announced she's pregnant, my brother and his wife have started "trying" and are oh so excited, his parents are asking (they don't know yet that I don't want any, but suspect), etc. Everytime, he tells me "see, having kids is the most natural thing". But then I take out my 1,000 reasons for deciding to be cf, and it causes tension b/w us. Why? Because apparently he still doesn't know if he wants to have kids or not. But the arguments we've been having makes me wonder if he knows he wants kids but doesn't know how to tell me, or is he just feeling pressured? It's hard to believe that a 32-year-old man can't make up his mind about this issue. You either want or not! Grrr I'm so upset right now. What if it take years for him to "decide"? I wish WE could close this issue once and for all, instead of me looking like the monster compared to our friends and others. I'm tired of having to defend my decision (to him) everytime.

It sounds to me like he is giving in to pressure that surrounds him. He can't make up his mind because he is allowing what other people do and think of him to change his mind.

You said you both decided not to talk about it until he has made up his mind. i think you should consider talking about it now. This is a huge issue, and you shouldn't have to defend yourself to your own husband. You should try to get him to spend time coming to a decision on his own. His parents, family, friends, NONE of these people should matter when it comes to making up his mind!

Stay strong, you are NOT a monster! You are actually doing what you think is right for you, not what other people think you should do. If he knows you are truly CF, then he should respect that and not pester you!

Hello gullivera

WHAT???? So, let me get this straight --- you are waiting for HIM to make up his mind? Does that mean if he decides that he wants you to have a kid,you will have one for him? RED FLAGS all over the place....


If you truly don't want a kid you better get a permanent fix (e.g. tubes tied). And don't rely on him to get snipped 'cause it sounds like he's not so sure what HE wants IMHO.

cp

What about looking at it this way? If he decides he MUST have a child, then your marriage will end, right? Can't you just table the issue until he decides? What good is there in rushing a decision? If he hurries to make up his mind that he wants a kid, he might just change it at a later date, by which time you might have unnecessarily divorced (or alternatively, he could decide he doesn't want one, then change his mind, which will then make the "maybe baby" issue rear its head again). Live for now. You can't make up his mind for him, so enjoy your time together.

In all honesty- both of you could change your minds 100 times over between now and the end of days. Why does a choice need to be etched in stone as of this moment?

I would definitely sit down and talk to him about this issue at hand. Now, he does want children or he thinks he does- you can't dismiss that off and not consider his feelings either. This effects you both and you got to remember that.

If you go tie your tubes just to put your foot down, then that is the WRONG reason for it! Yes it is your body and you got the right to do with it as you wish. That's for sure- but you got to remember, this is a marriage and you got to remember that whatever choices are made will effect you both. You can't dismiss his feelings either. Put the shoe on the other foot- what if it was you that wanted a child and he said he was going to go get clipped because he had his mind made up- period! How would you feel about that?

I hope it all works out for you.

Contrary to popular believe, I don't think people ever change their minds in this matter.

Solalux - I agree with you.

Unfortunately, many people allow their s/o to rule them and live a miserable, sorry life forever after.(shakes head, rolls eyes).

cp

[quote=HereToTalk]What about looking at it this way? If he decides he MUST have a child, then your marriage will end, right? Can't you just table the issue until he decides? What good is there in rushing a decision? If he hurries to make up his mind that he wants a kid, he might just change it at a later date, by which time you might have unnecessarily divorced (or alternatively, he could decide he doesn't want one, then change his mind, which will then make the "maybe baby" issue rear its head again). Live for now. You can't make up his mind for him, so enjoy your time together. [/quote] Thank you all so much for your answers, I really appreciate it. This one really helps. I know I can't rush him into making a decision, but it's starting to be annoying to always have to defend myself, as if I'm a bad person. All I care about is him, and obviously his opinions matter and hurt. It seems that he doesn't fully understand my decision, and specially how serious the issue is.

Well, I've known family and friends that have changed their mind. My cousin for example, she didn't want children (she's a cop). Well she made that clear when she met her husband. About 8 years into the marriage, she all of a sudden started to hear her clock ticking and wanted a child. We were blown away by it cause she never seemed to be the mother type.

Now I will admit that not everyone is cut out for parenthood and with the busy lifestyles we lead these days, it is great that people are aware of their life demands. Not all lifestyles are created equal and not always the best to raise children.

I was just saying that maybe there could be a change of heart. What if you get your tubes tied and 5 years later, you decided you wanted to have a child? I'm just saying that doing that is burning the bridge- that's all.

Whatever choices are made- I wish the best and of course happiness.

I was maybe a little extreme saying "ever". But really it doesn't happen often. People saying they don't want children don't mean it 100% sometimes. They may be considering the idea but are scared or just embarrassed to say they want something they're not sure they're going to get or be able to handle. Or they refer to their present life situations, and when that changes, their mind changes too (I have also known a couple of friends in this category) Or they may have not given the whole thing a lot of thought (e.g. some men, a few women).

But people with strong feelings for or against having children... really, I cannot imagine.

I think that it depends on the reasons why people don't want kids. If it is fear about finances, the unknown, baggage from the past, etc., then they might be able to overcome it. However, if they just don't particularly like kids, then that's a different story.

I think that they should parse it out and be specific about their feelings.

I'm not sure how your husband truly feels on the subject but it almost sounds to me like he's afraid to lose you.

He may or may not truly want kids. He could be going through a "phase" where he feels his life may pass him by and he'll never know the joys and agonies of raising children. Sometimes people compare their lives to others and think the grass is greener on the other side. Did he ever say he wanted children before the two of you married?

Your husband may want children and is afraid to tell you because you might leave him. He probably feels threatened and vulnerable right now.

I understand how you feel. You want an answer. You want to be sure but I think you both need to consider each other's feelings especially now. It's important to talk about the issue openly with one another. He needs to get his feelings and thoughts out as much as you do. Make him feel comfortable enough to do that. Don't get impatient, don't be upset. I know it's hard but this coming from you is probably making him become stand offish.

He needs time to come to a decision. It took me about 3 years to get these crazy feelings out of me. I later realized I only thought about having children because I was lonely and didn't want to miss out on the experience. It's stupid now that I'm able to look back at myself. Your husband is probably at this stage in life just as I was.

Be clear with your husband, if you haven't already. Let him know you stand by your position and he has to accept that you will never change. He's probably waiting on you to change your mind. And if he tells you he needs kids, then you can end your marriage as you both see fit.

I'm sorry you both are put in such a terrible position. I have had the kids talk with my husband many times. He says he doesn't need kids but there's also something inside him that is curious to have them as well. I made it perfectly clear that he shouldn't waste our lives and if he needs children, he can't be with me. He says he'd rather live child free and have me by side. He says with children his future is unsure but with me, he knows I am a devoted, loving wife and he isn't willing to risk losing that.

Jellyroll, before we got married, we both excitedly wanted kids, but we thought better to wait a few years before having them. But then I turned 35 and thought at the rate I'm going I'll never have them b/c I would never be in that "stage of mind". The thought of pregnancy, childbirth, motherhood left me completely indifferent and bored. That's when I realized kids were not for me, and told my husband of my new decision only earlier this year, after 2 yrs 1/2 of marriage and 4 years of being together. He was shocked and looking back, maybe I was a bit too harsh on him. He probably still thinks I'll change my mind. And maybe he needs a few years to realize what he really wants. I'm hopeful that eventually we'll come to an agreement, whether it is to be a CF couple or separate. Thanks!

Jellyroll- As usual, your response is spot on! I always enjoy reading your thoughts. =)

Jellyroll, I am where you were before, I guess I am lonely and don't want to miss out on the experience of having kids. I don't think it's "bad" reason to want kids- I think most well adjusted moms feel this way! Not lonely like "oh I want someone to love me unconditionally"- that is not healthy. But lonely like I love my husband and we hang out all the time, I love my friends, I volunteer for Big Brothers Big Sisters, but I want another person IN MY FAMILY, even if they are foster or adopted. The kicker is I don't want to kill myself doing the work in the process, getting up early and driving the kid everywhere. Oh and my husband doesn't either. So how do I get past this feeling I have all day every day of I am missing out by not having kids?

I guess it really does depend on the scenario in which a family is being entertained. If it's because of financial issues or lifestyle for example- then it is the responsible way to go.



The only thing is that it is a marriage and that means 2 people are involved so both need to be on the same page- at least talk about it. It would be a shame to see a marriage break up when communication could have saved it.

If you have honestly discovered that you don't want kids, and your husband (like most men) hasn't fully made up his mind, you definitely need to talk things over a bit more. I'm with the others who suggest more communication could save a strong marriage, and of course he may decide he's fine with it. My husband had never thought about it much before we got married, and when I said I didn't want kids it really made him think (he has 5 siblings). Like most people he thought I would change my mind, but a few months into the relationship he realized I wouldn't. We had several serious talks about it before we got married and I basically said I was 99% sure I wouldn't want kids so if he wanted them, I probably wasn't the best choice! We've talked about it on an off since then (married 6 yrs. now) and he still agrees kids wouldn't be a good choice for us.

The timing is so much more crucial for women, so it's no wonder men feel trapped or rushed into making the decision. Men can have kids until they're 90, they can unknowingly father a child who turns up on their doorstep 18 yrs. later, etc. They just aren't as attached biologically as women, or as limited by time. It's all well and good to say wait and see how he feels, but you're 35. I have friends even in their early 30s who can't conceive naturally. You really don't have a whole ton of time, let's say 5 yrs. tops. That gives your husband some time to decide, spend time with some of his friends' kids, do some serious thinking, etc.

A while ago on the articles section of MNK there was one that talked about being on the fence. It said to imagine yourself with a baby, and picture this baby with you for the next six months in your daily activities. I think it's a great idea...you might want to recommend it to your husband!

Hi Schniky, the dilemma with my husband is that before marrying I told him that I WANTED to have kids, and well into the first 2 years of marriage, so it makes it very hard on him now to know that I don't want kids after all. Had I told him that I didn't want kids when dating or most probably I would not, he probably would have never married me, I'm not sure. I understand he's confused, and for now I've decided to give him time to make up his mind, but I also told him that I need to know his decision sooner rather than later. There's nothing else I can do. I hope for the best!

You do need to sit down and discuss this with him. I am sorry to hear that you are having such heartache, but you got to resolve this matter before it causes bigger problems and possibly ruins the marriage.

I agree. Waiting and seeing how things play out is probably Ok when the issue first arises, but if every time you meet friends with new kids, or friends planning to have kids etc., your husband wants to talk about having kids...it's time to talk. My husband really never, never wanted to have kids and, for a time, it was me who was undecided and wanting to talk about having kids. Finally, he had to sit me down and ask me if I could ever be happy with him, long-term, with no kids and to try to imagine a future like that. At that point, I knew I had to decide and I decided that, yes, I could be happy with him as a childfree couple. I was happy we had that talk because at that time I was feeling resentful towards him. Sitting down and talking really made me see that the decision of whether to stay together or not was mine and I if I chose to stay I had to let go of any child-related resentments.

But that's exactly how I felt. I wanted something or someone to be around. To bond with in a way I couldn't with anyone else. Someone to have with me to do stuff with and my stupid brain thought, "Maybe I should have a baby?".

It was a weird time in my life. I was grieving over the fact that the closest person to me (my brother) had moved to another state and I had difficulties connecting with my husband. I wanted a connection and what stronger connection does one have than with their own child?

This is what I mean by "lonely". Looking for something because you feel something is lacking inside you. It becomes something unhealthy and fortunately I realized that quickly. I later thought, children grow and one day my baby won't be a baby anymore. He/she will one day live their own lives separate from mine and I'll end up feeling that loneliness all over again. I needed to work on me and make myself whole again.

This is a big difference from desiring children. The feelings are not the same.