BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids So Devestated

I'm so sorry you're going through this. When my marriage ended, I was completely blindsided as well. Your first post sounded so familiar because these were all the same things I was feeling. I think a lot of women feel that way when they realize things aren't as great as they dreamed. However, you are talking about the rest of your life. A child is not just 18 years and then done. It's forever. These are decisions that must be weighed carefully esp if one partner does not want this. Resentment and anger will follow. I think Dragoncharmer has a good idea about having a small child stay with y'all for a while. Heck, babysitting is another good thing. My boyfriend and I babysit sometimes. It's fun, but it makes us realize there's no way we could be parents 24/7 forever.

There's more to being a parent than having a child and raising a child. Your entire life changes. Your responsibilities change. There's a lot to consider, and you're aware of that.

I agree with counseling. Perhaps for both of you. I will be thinking of you. ((hugs))

Gotta say, if he doesn't want a kid enough to take paternity leave, then he doesn't want one enough to have one. And there is NO retirement from parenthood.

Sounds like someone wants all of the fun and none of the work! I think he needs some education into exactly what being a parent is about i.e. not all Kodak moments.

heartbroken - I can feel the sadness in your words. How devestating that your s/o said 'HE wants a family'. Well, excuse me! even if he said something like 'I think it would be wonderful to have a baby with you' it would imply sharing the consideration of a life altering situation.

He told you he will leave you. That is a RED FLAG. WOW, he is a very, very selfish person (IMHO).

My suggestion is to sit at the table facing each other and discuss this important issue.( no television or radio on - just peace & quiet)Get it all out in the open and decide once and for all if this marriage can be salvaged. If he doesn't want to listen to your feelings, it might be too late.

If you are 100% certain that you don't want a child, it would be wise to get a tubal ligation - the only sure way that there won't be any 'accidents'.

I wish you good luck.
Please keep us posted . It will be very interesting to hear what happens.

cp

We don't really have any kids to staywith us. His niece lives 2 hours away. We talked a little yesterday because he is away for a couple days for a work seminar. I asked him what he was willing to sacrifice for a child. Well first of all he will not take paternity leave. Second, he gets 18 sick days a year but if the child gets sick, I will have to reschedule all my patients because HE Can't possibly take the time off! Then he tells me I will be responsible for most of the activities that the child will be participating in. If you want a child but are not willing to make sacrifices, why would you expect your partner to do it all? Worse yet, I booked a week long vacation down south for nov 19 for his 35th birthday weeks ago. I can hardly sleep or eat. I am a train wreck.

I'm so sorry, heartbroken. He sounds like he is not considering your feelings at all. That's not exactly a promising start to creating a family. Might be worth pointing that out to him. It sure sounds like it's not going to get better, so despite your grief, it might be worth planning what you will do if you can't reconcile this.

Oh wow. I could not imagine what you must be feeling right now. I am very sorry you were put into this position.

I have skimmed through most of the posts here but I agree with those who are saying that your husband seems to be jumping the gun here a bit.

I think your husband might feel as if something's lacking in his life and the older he gets, the more he wants to be fulfilled. I'm not exactly sure if it's the absence of children that's the problem. That's something he needs to figure out for himself.

What I can't understand is, why do so many men put their wives through this? Demanding they have a baby or else?! Then they're never willing to do all of the work or become stay at home dads. No, they just want to reap the benefits of the baby without dealing with the problems. While their wives suffer with their burdens.

If you don't want a baby, then don't! You are your own soul, spirit and mind away from your husband. I don't see how he can claim to love you and demand something suddenly after all these years.

My suggestion to you is to find out what's going on with your husband and your marriage. It sounds as if there's a lot more going on with him right now. Imo, I think this goes a bit deeper than just wanting babies.

Be strong and try your best to keep a level head about things. There is a good possibility that your husband may stick around even though you are unwilling to bare children. You guys need to do a lot of talking and come to a solution about things. And in the end of things, if he's willing to lose everything he's worked for and loved for a baby, so be it. Don't ruin your life simply because someone;s too blind to see what a great life he already has. Grass always looks greener on the other side.

I really feel for you, it is a horrible situation than no woman deserves. A man pushing a woman into having a child infuriates me every time, but when the man happily admits that he does not intend to change his life a bit, well that really makes me mad, so I am sorry if I say something hurtful.

I had an unwanted child and I went through hell. I was never "pushed" into it, and nobody threatened to leave me. My husband just hoped that I would change my mind, I knew I wouldn't and I was so overwhelmed by guilt that I was reckless with birth control and got pregnant. It had to be an accident, otherwise, it would have never happened.

The difference in our relationship is: we were honest to each other from the very beginning. He had explained to me all his reasons to want children, all legitimate and sweet. I had explained to him all my reasons to not want children. I don't understand how someone says or seems to be content with MNK and then he changes his heart from one day to the other. Are you sure there are no other issues? Were you really open to each other in this matter?

Another difference. My husband took three months paternity leave when our son was born. He works sensible hours and spends lots of time with his son. He gave bottles, changed diapers woke up in the middle of the night from day one. I am jobwise more flexible, but if something important happens, he steps in. I don't think I could have forgiven him all the horror I had to experience if he had not taken over a lot of the responsibility.

I think you have to analyze your relationship deeply, how can someone who loves you, with whom you have a good relationship with come up with such an unexpected demand overnight?
Are you sure everything else is OK in the marriage?

how cruel! to ask you to change your life for something you dont want and he doesn't plan to take time off to help out. when somebody truly wants something, they will do whatever has to be done - he isn't displaying that. While my hubby is a few years younger than yours, from time to time he has said guys in the office tend to equate kids with status - like a man with kids has more trophies then one without. its lame. he could just be going through a faze. I think lots of talks and counciling might be needed. I dont think most men get just how much work is involved with having a child. why would they when women seem to get stuck with the brunt of it. dont do anything you dont want to do. doing it for him, will likely just make things worse...you very miserable.

Marie751 ~ you "hit the nail on the head" when you said 'trophy'.
Honestly, I think a kid is like a trophy to most guys - something to show-off to his buddies, without having to do any of the work raising it.

And compare this to older men who hook-up with a gal that is 30 to 40 yrs younger than him..... a TROPHY !! (rolls eyes in discust).

cp

Sounds to me that he is being selfish. As was stated by another- he wants all the fun and games of parenthood but not the real tasks and job that comes with a child.

I am so sorry to hear of this- I can hear the pain in your voice and the threats to walk out on a marriage does not show he is devoted to YOU and the MARRIAGE. If he can't be devoted to that then how is he going to have a LIFETIME of devotion as a parent?

Seek counseling and think about getting yourself some downtime. You got to take care of you too. Don't let this bring down your spirit girl.