BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids So Devestated

I am almost 39 yrs old. I have been married to my 35 year old husband for 9 years. I told him from the start that I probably would not want children. He SEEMED alright with it until his sister had a child that is now 2. She is a very sweet, adorable child. 5 days ago he came home and told me he wants a family. I really do not want to have a child. He has basically told me he will leave me. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I am falling apart. We just built an expensive house last year that I designed especially for us and our 2 dogs. I don't think I can buy him out. I don't know if I can live without him. We had the kind of marriage that other people envied we were so close. We had made so many plans together for our future. I have never wanted a child and I am terrified at the level of commitment and responsibility. He is a police detective and gets called out and has to work some extended hours. I feel that it is unfair of him to put it all on me. I have my own business as a massage therapist and cannot imagine giving it up. I work some pretty long hours. To be stuck dragging a baby around that he wanted is a nightmare. I am also worried what would happen if the child have problems (autism etc.) I think I would lose my marbles. I don't know if anyone can even help me. I think it is a no win situation. I also am [censored] that it took this long for him to tell me. I just need to vent. All I do is cry now. I feel pathetic. I think of my husband as my soulmate and the thought of losing him is unbearable. Like a knife in my chest. Imagine having to put "happy face" on all day infront of my patients. It is exhausting.

I really sympathize with you. It must be so painful what you are going through. Unfortunately it's a very complicated situation to be in to be able to find a simple solution. I suggest you really talk to him about it, as in a deep, meaningful conversation as to why all of a sudden he changed his mind. Try to get to the bottom of his reasons to now want a child. Is it just because of his sister's adorable, cute kid? Does he want a kid like he wants a candy, or car, or flat TV, or whatever? Or does he really grasp the meaning of "parenthood"? But I totally understand you. My brother's wife started talking about wanting to get pregnant (for first time) about 2 weeks ago, and since then, I am on high alert because it brings up the baby topic again with my husband. He says he doesn't understand why I don't want kids, and I'm so so afraid that once my nephew or niece is here, he'll go all ga-ga for him/her. His parents have also started to "pressure" him into having kids, b/c they suspect I don't want any. It's very frustrating to say the least. Hang in there and I hope your husband realizes that "a family of two" can be just as fulfilling as a family with 6 children.

Hello, I have only been married for 2 years, and we do not plan on having children any time soon, but we both have acknowledged that one day we may. This is my 2nd marriage. My 1st marriage ended, bc my husband changed his mind and wanted to have children. We were only married for 2 years, and in our young 20's. I still had my whole life ahead of me. People change in a marriage, and are allowed to change their mind. However, that does not mean that you have to give in just because he changed his mind. If he is giving you an out b/c you do not want children, then maybe you should really think about what you want. If you want children, go for it. I respect you wanting to be financially ready, finances will only make you recent him, and your child if things get tough. Parenting needs to be 50/50, and if he is not there now a lot for work, then having a child will not make things better. If want a child, then do it, and do it now, but do it because you want it. Pray about it, and good luck! Do not have a child that is only wanted from one parent. People will tell you, you will love your child, and that is true. However, if you have a child unwantingly....you will always have a void in your heart, and life.

What if you tell him that you don't think you'll be able to single-parent while he is out policing? Ask him if he's willing to switch careers. Tell him parenting is about sacrificing some of the things that we value most. If he resists, ask him if that means his career is more important to him than a baby. Maybe when presented that way, he'll realize that it's not as simple as just "having a baby." (I still don't think my husband gets this either . . . )

I am so sorry you are going through this, Heartbroken. First of all, how do *you* feel about having children? It would be one thing if suddenly you changed your mind and wanted kids, but it sure doesn't sound like that here. I really feel that having a child just to please a spouse is one of the worst reasons ever. And that was a very good point brought up about you being a single parent for a good part of the time. Even if he were home and did 50% of the childcare it would be hard (especially if this is something that you don't want), but even worse is that he wants a child and you would be doing the bulk of the work. Look through these threads and you see this exact same scenario played out again and again. Why, oh why do so many husbands not get this? To me, it sounds like he's thinking of all the Kodak moments and really doesn't have a good idea of how much work having a child is. I would love to see him be put in charge (by himself) of taking care of his 2 year old niece for at least a month and see if he feels the same way.

It is not your fault, you told him. He went into this marriage knowing that his wife did not want to be a mom. Maybe he feels like you'd "magically" change your mind if he threatens to leave, but wouldn't really do so? The unfortunate thing is either way part of your happiness will be lost, but keep in mind. If he'd leave you for NOT changing your mind to fit his ideals than perhaps another soul mate is out there for you. I will be honest, I sometimes have this fear concerning my own husband. He's 22 and I'm 28, and a few meddlesome people love to tell me that HE will change his mind about kids and want them one day. I hope that things work out for you.

I'm so sorry, hon. Neither of you is wrong for wanting what you want. Sometimes it's not possible to predict if or when or why someone might change their mind. But what you both want is incompatible.

I would suggest sitting down with him and making it clear that he is turning his back on a happily reality with YOU for a possible future with kids. There is no guarantee he will ever meet a woman he wants to have children with. There is no guarantee the kids will be healthy and turn out the way he would like. There is no guarantee that he is even fertile (unless you know otherwise). I wonder how much of this is about spending time with an adorable child. Perhaps you could spend time with more challenging children. An evening at Chuck E Cheese, perhaps, or babysitting a friend's tantrummy toddler? (You could vanish, feeling "unwell" and see how he gets on.)

He might never agree with you, but if he wants kids then for their sake he needs to know the reality. And he might just realise what a good thing he has got with you.

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles and how this change in heart has caused chaos in your home.

Maybe you can seek out some Counseling and try to get some resolvent or at the least save your marriage.

I wish you the best of luck. I know this must be so hard on you and that it all seems to be falling apart, but try to be the rock and seek out some resources that maybe can help you both.

Thanks for all the kind words and advice. Today I am Angry Girl. I would only have a child for him because he wants one. I then asked him if he would take paternity leave, since I am a Massage Therapist with no benefits since it is my own business. His response "well that would affect my pension and I wwould have to work longer to pay back into it for taking time off". If he thinks he is retiring at his predicted 52 yrs old in going to happen he is crazy. I don't think he gets the sacrifice a child is. I think he likes the fun stuff but not the reality of being a parent. I am so sick of this. I can bearly function and this is what i am trying to reason with

How about this-

Do you have a niece or nephews that can stay with you for a few days or even a week or 2? Maybe if he got a dose of what is involved- he would get a wakeup call.

I would still suggest possible counseling to help you out. it really stinks that after all this time he has such a change of heart.

Did someone plant this idea in his head? Guilt him into it?