BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Someone explain the "selfish" accusation please

Nicki, I never thought of myself as selfish until one of my sister in laws said it to my face...as well several other comments. apparently if I talk about my workout routine and the fact I dont eat fast food, I am also VAIN. I didn't know caring about your health made you vain. I couldn't believe my choice to be CF was selfish! I donate regularly to an animal shelter, I recycle, I always let people cut-in while driving, when I ask "how are you?" I really want to know. I do recall one CF person I met saying "well, cause Im selfish" hmmm? I thought she said it cause she thought it was how society saw her. perhaps some CF people are giving us some bad PR.

Or she was just fed up with people calling her selfish and acted defensive.

If, to explain why you don't want children, you say that you don't want to change your life, that you like sleeping in, that you enjoy your stress-free existence, that you love lying around on your sofa at the weekends, people will call you selfish right away, so I guess a couple of CF assumed the word and used them themselves. Maybe they really end up believing that is what being selfish is all about. After all, they chose these politically incorrect activities over having children.

Thanks for bringing up this topic. This accusation is thrown around so often it makes me want to scream. My feeling is that most people who say this just blurt it out without even thinking about what the term "selfish" even means. Those same people are the ones who don't really think for themselves and do things because "Everybody does it," and "It's what you do," without giving a good, solid concrete reason other than that. And on the other hand, it's so funny that people who say this think their decision to have a child is doing a big favor for others. Sure, when you have a child, you do have to put their needs ahead of yours and it requires hard work and sacrifice. But they fail to see that they had a choice and they are the ones who created that need to do so. "Selfish" would be wanting/doing something for yourself at another person's expense. A person's personal decision to not have children does not take away from anyone or affect them. Even when parents of grown kids want grandchildren, it certainly doesn't mean they are automatically entitled to them. In fact, when they push their grown kids to alter their lives so they can enjoy the perks of being "Grandma" or "Grandpa", *that's* selfish. It's like saying, "I really like puppies, so you need to get one because sometimes I come over and visit and want to have fun playing with it." And don't get me started on relatives that have the gall to make harassing phone calls and send therapist cards in the mail. Wanting to push another person to live their life the way *you* want them to live it is extremely selfish- and I totally agree that going to that extreme is abusive and crazy. Thank goodness you no longer have contact with them! I also think that people who throw around the selfish accusation may definitely be jealous. They're jealous because they didn't consider for themselves that they had a choice, and when they see someone else thinking this through and deciding not to, they see that person does not have to do the hard work required to raise a child that they do and almost see them it as "getting away with something". I sure have never seen this phrase come from parents who actually thought their decision through and recognized they were making the choice that was best for them. And how ironic is it that the unselfish people are the least likely to throw this phrase around at all.

[quote=Nicki - BF & EC Editor]I would agree that selfish does not make sense as a term applied to the childfree. Being self-aware does not make you selfish. I have more difficulty with folks who HAVE kids and then aren't willing to change their lives one lick to acknowledge that fact -- I've known a few of these. Oddly though, it's the childfree that I've heard use this term. More than one woman has said to me that they never plan to have children because "I am too selfish" and don't want to compromise or change life. Is it possible this is also self-perpetuating? Nicki [/quote] Self perpetuating - no, self protection - yes! Sometimes it is just so much easier to say what a parent wants to hear. I for one have never known a parent say they were selfish because they wanted children, but I live in hope. However age has taught me to defend the CF life and not except stupid silly comments.

self protection. I agree. I still find it hard sometimes to tell someone I intend to remain childfree when asked. I must confess that some of my once polite responses have turned into more agressive quipps. perhaps my wacky sister in laws have provoked me to be more aggressive cause being polite and civilized got me nowhere but HARASSED. ( I think the final straw was when one sister in law said that I would never be complete as a woman if I wasn't a mother. sorry everyone, all I seem to do is complain about things they have said to me - but ouch, those words really hurt.) I have found skirting your answer can open up the door to those parents who want to be the one to change your mind. but to blurt out "Im selfish!!" that could in fact be a discussion ender. I also agree that CF people are perhaps a bit more self-aware. We understand there is no law saying you must have kids and we dont have to do what everyone else does.

"self protection. I agree. I still find it hard sometimes to tell someone I intend to remain childfree when asked. I must confess that some of my once polite responses have turned into more agressive quipps. perhaps my wacky sister in laws have provoked me to be more aggressive cause being polite and civilized got me nowhere but HARASSED."


Hey! I'm a new voice around here, but I sympathize with your situation. You know Miss Manners (I love Miss Manners!) discusses this very thing in one of her columns, which I can't put my finger on just now...of course.... But I recall that she says according to etiquette you are perfectly in the right to say something like, "This is a personal decision and not something that I discuss with those whom it doesn't concern." Then you deftly turn the conversation to another even more engrossing topic than your private personal life. And if I recall, she further says that if that tack fails to put well-bred, courteous people onto proper conversational fodder, that you are perfectly right to suddenly remember something urgent that you must attend to. I love Miss Manners. Her bottom line is that it is no one's concern but your own (and spouse) and that ill-bred intrusive people should never be permitted to cause you any kind of discomfort or upset about your private decisions. I of course can't know if this will be of any use to you, but I love Miss Manners anyway...! Chin up! You're in the right. They're meddling.

Miss Manners is a very wise woman. As for the Childfree saying, "I'm selfish" as an explanation to others why they don't want kids- yeah, it is a method of self-protection. It's a disarming technique- say it first and you leave the other person with nothing really else to say. As for me, I refuse to give "I'm selfish" as a reason because I know I'm no more or less selfish than a childed person and that accusation makes no sense to me. But I can understand why some people would.

I think this is a statement made out of envy. Even though I believe many people truly wanted and love their kids, others, I believe, hate their lives and the constant attention their children require. They wish they had freedom, romance, and disposable income that many married no kids have....That's my opinion. Also, I really agree with you. People don't have kids selflessly, they have them because of their desire to have them...therefore selfish is the wrong insult for people who don't want kids..lol!