BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Someone explain the "selfish" accusation please

The selfish word when it comes to not wanting children makes me soooooo mad. There is not one single unselfish reason to procreate!!!
For some, it seems to go like this:

a) Somebody does something because it will make her/him very happy and that is generous.
b) Somebody doesn't do something because it will make him/her unhappy and that is selfish.

a) I don't care if they have to give up things like romantic holidays, eating out and sleeping in. If they couldn't imagine a future without children, if they love children, if they think a child is a living proof of their marital love, if they need a little piece of themselves come to life, if they need to know that they will never be lonely again, maybe even hope that the child will keep them company in their old age... giving up those things was really worth it. Their freedom and free time was not that important compared to their dream come true.

b) f you don't believe any of the above, and consequently, don't want children, you are not selfish: you are just not masochist.

If you love to travel the world but you are not rich, sleeping in a dorm in a youth hostel with ten perfect strangers is the price you have to pay. Nobody should be sorry for you because you don't sit comfortably at home, you are doing what you wanted. If you think nothing of traveling, that could be a torture for you. Weather you stay at home or travel has nothing to do with your selfishness, it has to do with setting priorities.

It makes me sick that some people who keep telling how much their children give THEM think you are selfish for not wanting children.

I'm always shocked reading these posts at the amount of, what I would term 'mental abuse' that many women have gone through from family members and friends into making them feel guilty or being awful to them because they don't wish to have children.
It's just none of their buisness, or if it's family, they should love and support you and your choices.
If ppl were sending me therapist cards etc. I'd use two words to them, and the second would be 'off' - I just don't see why they would care, unless they were being selfish (in a way) in wanting grandchildren etc.
A close friend of mine has recently married and the parents have started pestering her that they want to see their grandchildren before they die, other than that, I've never come across it. I've heard stories from my own mother, but hopefully the new and younger generations will move away from this feeling that "it's just what you do" - although I also have plenty of friends who have either got pregnant young and that has been their life (and usually I feel they resent the child for this) or they actually DO believe that, you get married, have children and die. I find it all very boring.
Of course, if someone wants children, I would fully support them. I just feel you should support those you love in their life choices as long as they're not hurting anyone.

I completely agree, Steve. One should support their loved ones' choices, and the whole "give me grandchildren" thing IS boring. People should have others things to look forward to besides children. Or if children are really a super interest of theirs, they can become a Big Brother/Sister, or read to sick kids in hospitals...there are many options.

mental abuse! well said, Steve! I couldn't agree more.

Thank you all for your input on this topic. This issue is probably not going away in my lifetime, but I hope that the next generation will feel more empowered by their decision to not follow the "norm". I hope that by making the choice myself, I can carve a wider path for people in the future to make it easier for them to choose what is best for them. I work as an electrical engineer so I'm also hoping to carve that path wider for women as well. I think we need to remember those that lost their lives so that we could safely choose our lifestyles. I don't want to feel sorry for myself just because I'm misunderstood! MeganMNK

Let me throw you a curve ball ;) I'm married, I don't want children but I do take care of them for a living! (for now that is) How would I be selfish? I like kids, they're cool..I have nothing against them. I even volunteered at a local elementary school. I just don't want my own. (I think my husband is having a little trouble swallowing that one, even though he already knew..) Its simple, I don't want to be "knocked up." I like the way i am right now and that's how i intend to keep things. If someone was to call me selfish...I'd say nothing. Because I know that I'm not, I just like my freedom. And if i had a kid, i couldn't take care of theirs! HA! Its like getting puppies.. well..sort of..anyway If you don't want to make time for them; why are you gonna get them? Some women these days think of it as a sport?! or something..they're poppin' out kids like pop-corn and they cant even afford it! -- --- ---- I love my life style, traveling,and having a nice body. I think it would be more selfish to bring someone to this earth that i just don't have time for or money... You shouldn't bring a child to struggle with; you should give them the best.

It is abuse! I must of skipped your section STEVE..I couldn't agree with you more. As a woman you have to deal with all kinds of $H!T and that choice..should be yours. I'm a victim of this abuse...my mother-in-law wont stfu about it. LMAO Its just such a relief to hear that not only women but men can see the point. -You were given life to be you, thats what i think..and part of being you is making decisions that make YOU happy. I think all of us have the right to be happy and if that includes no children..so be it- ciao

Hi everyone I've never understood the selfish comment from parents and at 42 my husband and I have been called it often. However can I set the record straight for the younger CF on here. Parents are selfish because they had a child, end of!! Did they have that child for the good of man kind? Did they hell they either wanted or needed that 'mini me' for purely selfish reasons. I am CF because my husband and I enjoy our lifestyle too much to have a child, and our relationship neither wants or NEEDS a child making us totally unselfish.

I personally could care less whether it makes me selfish or not. If I choose to live a "selfish" life, I will do just that.

My mother called me selfish and I told her I had every right to be. I don't owe a baby to anyone. And I'll be damned if I'm going to live in misery to please anyone else.

I would agree that selfish does not make sense as a term applied to the childfree. Being self-aware does not make you selfish. I have more difficulty with folks who HAVE kids and then aren't willing to change their lives one lick to acknowledge that fact -- I've known a few of these.

Oddly though, it's the childfree that I've heard use this term. More than one woman has said to me that they never plan to have children because "I am too selfish" and don't want to compromise or change life. Is it possible this is also self-perpetuating?

Nicki