BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I don't want kids, but what if I regret it?

I'm a brand new poster, but I had to jump in and agree with the point that Jellyroll made. So often, when I hear about a husband who wants kids and a wife who doesn't or is unsure-- there is further questioning on the matter and it's the husband who wants her to give up her career, do most of the childcare and make most of the sacrifices involved. Of course, this isn't always the case *all* the time, but it's interesting to see how often it is. And to many CF people (like me) it wouldn't matter even if I were married to Mr. Mom, but sometimes it is a factor for those on the fence. Anyway, OP- I'm sorry that you're going through this. I hope you find the strength to tell him how you feel and I hope it at least helps for you to know that there are others out there who feel the same way.

I agree with all the other posters. Trust your gut instincts on such an important matter. Your constant headaches when you quit your job, your sense of impending doom once you went off the pill...these are signs that you do not want to have a child. You and your husband sound like you want very different things out of life, even aside from the child issue (he doesn't like to travel, is upset when you leave home for a couple of months for work). Your decision to switch to another job to placate him made you miserable, so imagine how miserable you'd be if you had to raise a child just to make him happy?

Periwinkle and Jellyroll make great points about it usually being the woman who is expected to sacrifice career and freedom for kids. I think this is completely unfair and if you enjoy your career and are happy travelling and remaining childfree, hold on to that. Any man would do the same thing! It angers me that women are usually expected to be martyrs. In fact, I think this is why most people have such a hard time with CF lifestyles...we're not fulfilling our gender roles!

Sorry that all this advice merely confirms what you already know, which doesn't make it easier to talk things over with your husband and decide what to do in the future. But you are responsible for your own happiness, and in this case you know what makes you happy. Be strong!

Sorry for the tough situation you're in. I had a friend who was in a similar situation. She and her husband would often fight over the issue. She held strong about not having children, and over a year or two, she was actually able to influence him in not wanting children either.

I think part of what helped is that she knew lots of moms with kids who confided in her that they weren't happy as parents. With time, all the reasons to not have children started to sink in with her husband. She definitely had to work at it though - he definitely needed a lot of convincing. It's been probably 2 or 3 years since then, and it hasn't been an issue.

I realize that my friend was really lucky and that this probably doesn't happen for most people, but sometimes, "reality," and the experiences of others, can make people change their minds.

Good luck to you.

Hello Lotte, I read your posts with interest and I can really relate to the anguish and the feeling of being sentenced to death just with the thought of being pregnant. That is how I felt.
I was also trapped in this situation with my husband and I eventually had a child, but there are a couple of differences in my case: My husband and I like all the same things, traveling, eating out, meeting with friends as much as possible, but also staying home lazy Sundays with the newspapers. We are very similar and compatible in every respect, except the baby thing (not a small one, lol). Also, he never ever asked me to quit my job, and I knew he would share the responsabilities, as he did. Of course it is the woman's body and life which changes the most by far, no matter how "modern" the man. And that infuriated me. That is why it infuriates me even more how you describe your husband's attitude. What I mean is, I think your reasons to have a kid are even less solid than mine, because you would be giving up more than me and getting less in return. Taking care of a baby as a stay at home mum is a real nightmare, even more so if the man has some traditional frame of mine, namely, "you feed him, change diapers, wake up in the middle of the night and I play with him/her when awake and not crying".
I am sorry if I come out too brutally honest, since I don't know you at all. But having an unwanted kid is nothing to be desired, and if on top of that, 90 or 100% of the job falls on your shoulders, the resentment towards your husband could very well mean the end of your relationship anyway.
You talk about changing your mind, but you don't sound like that is going to happen. It never happened for me. I have a child, I have made the most of it and I still post in this forum, lol:

[quote=Pete1978]As with my ex, the kindest and most loving thing to do was to let her go, every day I have moments of sadness when I remember all of the good times we spent together but ultimately our split was unavoidable, to stay together would've been cruel on one another and being in love wasn't enough to keep us together. [/quote] To Pete1978, I feel as if your post describes exactly the position I am in right now. I am 31, my fiance is 30, we've been together for 6 years, lived together for 5, recently engaged, with a wedding date set for next summer. Up until our engagement, the issue of children wasn't really raised since we were all-consumed with each other and developing our relationship. However, after getting engaged, besides the typical questions of when the wedding was going to be...the issue of children naturally arose. Both our parents started bringing up the topic of children with questions like, "When are we going to get grandkids?" [b]ALL [/b]of our friends starting getting married and many are now getting pregnant if not already having kids. We finally started talking about it and my fiance said that she wanted kids and always wanted a family like what her parents' have. I've seen the life my siblings and most of my friends have, all of whom have children and it's not the life I want. I know I do not want children and would be happy just being with her. Read any list of reasons why people want to remain childfree and those are my reasons as well. The problem is we have a such a great relationship. We are best friends and love each other dearly. And that's what makes it so hard. As you said, the kind and caring thing to do is to let her go but she is fighting so hard to keep us together. She has suggested counseling which I agreed to mostly because I felt so bad seeing her sad and crying. But I don't think anything someone else tells me is going to change my mind about having kids if my own fiance can't convince me. I'm just having the hardest time letting go because I see her everyday in pain and all I want to do is make her feel better, hold her and tell her everything is going to be ok...but I know I can't and I know it's not going to be. It hurts so much. The last thing I want to do is cause her pain and sorrow but I know that I can't prevent that if the cost is for me to relent on this decision. I don't want to throw away what we've built together but I know I don't want children. I wish I were in your place right now, looking back and realizing it was the right decision. But the reality is I'm faced with trying to end this and moving on and I don't know how to. It's so hard coming home everyday, seeing all the pictures of us and imagining losing someone that I've lived with for the better part of my 20's. I care too much about her to get married when I know I don't want kids...but I also don't want to see her in pain and lose her. I know in my heart, the loving thing to do is let her go, knowing that this will cause pain in the short run but be better for us in the long run. But even knowing this, it's still not easy. I guess any advice or wisdom on how to move forward would be appreciated.

Uncertain David, I'm sorry to hear about your plight with your fiancee. My heart goes out to you. It's a sad situation when a couple can't find a compromise, but unfortunately, the child issue is one for which there isn't a compromise -- you can't have half a child. I'm forty-one, knew from an early age that I didn't want children, and I can say from the bottom of my heart that I don't have regrets about the path I chose, even though there were those who, in the past, tried to convince me that if I didn't have kids, I'd regret it. Well, I don't regret it, and the potential for regret grows less and less every year. I value family, I have a happy marriage, and my hat is off to good parents (like my brother and SIL -- they are fabulous parents, and my nephew is a lucky little boy), but my basic wiring is such that motherhood would stress me out terribly -- I'm a major introvert and need ample amounts of peace, space, and quiet, and I've known that about myself since I was very young. I think the bottom line with something like this is being able to know yourselves well, despite what other people might be telling you. And society pushes parenthood hard. Is it possible that your fiancee could re-examine why she wants children, and see if she deeply, from her heart, wants them and wants to spend the next twenty-odd years of your lives raising them, or if she's feeling societal, peer, or family pressure instead? That's a very common thing, especially for women (in my opinion) to get that kind of pressure re: the decision whether or not to have and raise children. Good luck to you. It's a heart-wrenching situation, and I wish you both the best.

Uncertain David, I know exactly how you feel, three weeks on though things are no easier for me. I've taken up old hobbies, am seeing lots of my friends and am trying to keep busy but my ex is on my mind constantly. I know that I don't want kids but that I do want her, she's recently started dating other guys and that's really painful because I hate to think of her with someone else. It's not made any easier because I don't feel like I have any hope of meeting women who share my values and beliefs. Women around here look at you like you've just bitten the head off a cute bunny when you say that you don't want kids, they lable you as someone with 'issues' and 'baggage'. Ultimately wanting back what I had with my beautiful, lovely girlfriend is an impossible dream, she's reached the stage in her life where having kids has become vital to her, she's still the same girl I fell in love with but she's not prepared to be happy with the love we shared, she needs what she considers "more", something I told her from the start that I didn't and couldn't want. Be strong, my friend, there's no point in sticking around and living a lie. Personally, I find the insinuation that the decision to remain CF is something that can be 'counselled' out of a person quite insulting. We, the CF, have often thought about it much more than those who have children, after all, society doesn't question their motivations. I'm feeling quite depressed about it all now, no matter what I do she's on my mind and when I'm alone it's a constant nagging pain. I've known loss before though and know that in time it'll diminish, eventually to the point where I'll see her with her new partner and a baby and feel nothing but happiness for her but that seems a long way off. One thing I do know is that if I was to become that partner, the father to her child, I wouldn't be happy. Good luck with everything, although it might feel like it, you're not alone in the world. Pete

Pete,
Wow, my heart goes out to you. I'm really sorry for what you're feeling. I know what it's like to think you'll never again meet someone with your morals and values. I'm very different from most (as my screen name says, haha), and for someone like me, finding the right guy is like looking for a needle in a haystack. However, it just takes finding that "one" person. You will probably continue to think about and miss your ex until you replace her with another.

When you feel ready, you might consider online dating. It's a great way to expose yourself to many people and "weed" through many as well. Some even match you up by personality/values, etc.

I just peeked at your profile, and wow, you sound like a very fun, creative guy who enjoys life and has a lot to offer. Some CF woman will be lucky to meet you one day. Hang in there and don't give up on finding her. In the meantime, enjoy all the pluses of the single life.

Pete, I really feel for you. While my first marriage ended due to other reasons not having to do with being CF, out in the dating world again I really do see how hard it is to find a like-minded partner. I just recently dated a guy where it quickly ended because he wanted to have kids one day. I'm glad it ended in the very beginning, as opposed to finding this out later down the line or in a situation where one person hopes the other will change their mind. But I hope it helps in some way to let you know you are not alone and there are many good CF women out there going through similar things and would consider themselves blessed to find a CF man. Like CF men, we may be difficult to find, but we're worth finding :-). In the mean time, I second what DifferentKindOfGirl wrote- there are many plusses of single life to enjoy!

Sometimes, when people ask me why I didn't have kids, I say that "if I could have had a house wife to take care of them, maybe I would have...but that's not legal in my state". LOL MeganMNK