BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I don't want kids, but what if I regret it?

Ever since I was a little girl, I never dreamt of having children.I was dreaming of an exciting job, lots of travelling and adventures, many friends, and dogs, which I adore. Now I'm 35, married for 6 years, and hubby is 44.When we met, he seemed to embrace this kind of life, but I was so in love that I didn't see the signs:he hates travelling, he doesn't do any sports or hobbies and he says that he feels a huge emptiness for not having kids. Truth is, I thought that by getting married I would "get over' these ideas of a lifestyle and would eventually want kids. Not yet, unfortunately. We have separated a few times coz of this, but we ended up together, we love each other, although so different. A year ago I stopped working freelance (I left the job I adored with lots of travelling, each time for 1-2 months)for a more stable job, in order to have kids. Now I'm deeply unhappy, and have headaches every day. I have decided to start freelancing again; although hubby told me that I will never do this again (!!!). Is it unfair to tell him that since he's the one who wants children while I don't, that he will have to stay with me and I can continue my job and travelling? I'm afraid that I won't make a good mother (if any), because I dont' want a kid. And he knows. I don't want to have sex any more, coz I stopped the pill, thinking that I would change my mind. Since I still have these feelings, maybe I shouldn't have a kid; and give him his freedom to find another woman, the mummy type. But what if I don't find anyone else in my life? Am I too selfish? I feel that I will always have to prove my value in other ways, if not have kids after all. It's so unfair. What should I do? have a kid, with the hope to love him/her? Or to wait until the idea of having a kid excites me as much as a new mission at a faraway country? It's so hard, because this final decision entails losing my man, whom I love. even if he would not leave me, he would be always spiteful and bitter about this...

Sadly it sounds as though you both want to live different lives. It happens sometimes. Couples can love each other and still grow apart over time. That seems to be the case here.

It's obvious that you want to continue an exciting, child free life while your husband wishes to settle and start a family. I'll say it time and time again, children are not negotiable. I don't think it's fair to either one of you really. You both lose out in the end.

If you have a child simply for your husband, you may become resentful and bitter. Not only bringing misery to yourself but to your new family. If you don't have children, your husband will grow to resent you. There's no winning here.

I don't think anyone should bring children in the world simply because their spouse demands it. You should both want the same things in life and if you don't, then perhaps you are not meant to be.

You are in a position that I worry I might find myself in someday. Hubby tells me he's willing to stay with me even though I don't want children. He doesn't exactly want them either but he sometimes thinks he may regret it one day. If the day were ever to come where he told me he needed to have children, then that will be the day I sign divorce papers. I love my husband with all my heart and soul but I can't sacrifice bringing an innocent life into the world just to make him happy.

You can only live for you. Not for your husband or anyone else. This is a huge decision to make that will impact your lives tremendously and it shouldn't be made lightly.

I wish I could give you more advice but unfortunately, I don't have children and I'm not in your position as of yet. I just hope you hold out on having kids until all decisions are finalized. Good luck to you and please keep us posted.

Since my ex and I split up over this exact issue I've realised that although obviously life is more lonely, I feel a great sense of relief and a restoration of self as a result of not having the pressure to have kids hanging over me any more. Children should only be created by two people who desperately want them, one keen person and one who's far from it is a recipe for disaster. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that forcing someone to change their mind and have them enter parenthood reluctantly is about one of the most selfish things another adult can do. They're not thinking about their partner's happiness and they're not thinking about the happiness of their child, something which should be paramount to anyone considering parenthood. One of my ex's favourite tricks was to tell me that once a child was born I'd love it and consider it 'the best thing I ever did'. I have no doubts that I'd love my child and I have no doubts that I'd have done my very best to give that child a decent upbringing but I'm absolutely sure that I'd resent my life and my partner for forcing this change upon me when I'd always been so clear about not wanting to be a parent. Similarly, if your husband remains adamant that he wants kids, it isn't fair to keep him hanging on, let him find his mumsy type. As with my ex, the kindest and most loving thing to do was to let her go, every day I have moments of sadness when I remember all of the good times we spent together but ultimately our split was unavoidable, to stay together would've been cruel on one another and being in love wasn't enough to keep us together. Good luck, Pete

Thank you so much for taking the time to write. I'm so glad I discovered this website! I guess I know deep inside what I should do, I always knew, but hoping that he would get over it...especially since he never showed much interest in kids and the reasons he uses when trying to convince me are: 1) everybody has, are they better than us? 2) we will be the outsiders, 3) who is going to inherit my (his) property? And the outrageous thing is that, although he's the one into that, it is me who should abandon my lifestyle and sacrifice my exciting job (although my career is going better than his. It is so easier when both partners agree not to have kids...now I have to find the courage to tell him and deal not only with being accused by him for being too selfish, but also with being different from everybody I know, and with losing him too...

I'm just curious about something and I probably shouldn't ask but since you are doing better than your husband career wise, was he willing to stay at home with the kids? Or willing to do most of the typical "mommy" work? Or were you the one having to put aside your career and do the mommy thing?

This bit worries me. He's telling you what to do with your career, and seems to expect you to sacrifice your dreams and ambitions in order for him to fulfil his desire to be a father.

Surely he should have your best interests at heart? You've expressed a great deal of loving concern for him, but is he giving any in return? If having children is more important to him than his relationship with you, it may be the right thing to lovingly let him go. There just isn't any compromise possible in this situation.

"since you are doing better than your husband career wise, was he willing to stay at home with the kids?" This is not relevant, even if this is the case, he is asking her to change her life in a way that she does not want to. She will feel resentful even if he does stay home. My husband and I were going to have kids, but after we got married, we enjoyed our life so much that we bot decided not to have them. It's a choice, but it is a choice that BOTH people have to be on board with our the marriage will not work. If you divorce now, it will be easier than divorcing later with a kid.

Dear Lotte, I think all the advice above is really good. Though of course it does not change your situation. I really feel for you. I already find it hard to deal with all the people around me who think having children is 'logical, natural and the right thing to do'. Gladly my husband is not like that. I have one thing to add to all the advice already given. And that is: listen to your body. Your body has it's very own wisdom and the fact that it is giving you headaches tells you something is not well in your life. I guess you did a few things to try to placate your hubby: loose your job which you obviously truly loved and stop taking the pill and in response to that stop having sex. As long as you are so doubtful about this, why stop taking the pill? It seems to me you have let your husbands wishes overrule your own and are already feeling less happy because of it. As long as you are doubting, you should not bring a child into the world. I read on a forum somewhere about a lady who did and she regrets it every day. All she did was tell herself she would grow into it, but she never has. And that is not fair to her, or her husband and especially to that innocent baby. I just hope for you there will be a way to save your marriage as you obviously love eachother a lot. I wish you all the best!

That's not what I meant when I asked that question. I was simply asking because I wanted to know what her husband was planning. I wanted to understand if there was any talk on the issue of, if they did have kids, who would sacrifice more? Him or her?

Obviously after reading the last post, it would be her.

I think it's very selfish and inconsiderate of your husband to ask so much of you just to please him. I personally would tell my husband I was back on the pill and let him know everything I felt. But you probably don't feel comfortable coming off to straight forward so soon.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. I just hope you have some support somewhere which can be hard for a person who wishes to be child free. Not many people understand where you're coming from.

Please keep us updated. Many blessings.