BellaOnline Forums Family Child Abuse Adult children of abusive families

She really didn't want me. I felt it. I was a bother. A nuisance. No wonder I have no confidence. I am afraid of everything and everyone. THEN I remember her telling me what a terrible daughter I was. I think it was the opposite. SHE was a terrible mother. Everything I id was WRONG. Even when it was right and proper she made it out WRONG.

I don't look like her. I took after my Dad. Blonde hair, blue eyes, tall, thin. She was total opposite than me. She was short with brown hair and eyes.

I remember the day I got my period. She called me a tramp. She went on a rant about "F*cking". Yes, she used that word over and over again. Called me Boy Crazy when I was 9. I got my period very early. Things got much worse then. I was developing and she was jealous. She didn't even want me around my own Dad. He wanted to be a Dad, and he was a great Dad but she tainted that too with her filthy mind. She even beat him up once in a while. She was a terror. Women like her shouldn't be allowed to reproduce.

Yet, out in public she was just as sweet and nice as she could be. She was a social butterfly and had a lot of friends. She was always handing me off to this one or that one for weeks at a time so she could travel. I hate the way she treated me. I loved my mother but I hated the way she treated me.

my mom did that whole tramp thing when i wanted pierced ears and shaved my legs. she didnt want me to wear a bathing suit. they give us toxic shame. we are born good. it is our God given right to be loved by our mothers. im so glad i found you all. it sounds like we had the same mom in so many ways. there is an understanding here that ive never felt in my life! giving support to others feels real good too. we are helpful,loving and good!!! our mothers gave us bad information. we can help each other heal!! have a good afternoon:)

Navigaar,
I was reading about how the abuse affected you as a child and was reminded of how the abuse I endured affected me as well. When I was in the ninth grade, I had an ulcer so bad that the doctor put me on baby food for two weeks. I had always kept everything bottled up.

freemenow,
Your recommendation about the childhood picture was awesome! I believe very strongly in loving and nurturing our inner child. That is also something I have worked very hard on personally.

I can relate to both of your stories on your mother's reactions when reaching puberty. My mother did the same thing, especially to my older sister. She got the brunt of it all.

You know, I think all we ever wanted was to know that our mother's loved us. I remember one time only that was affectionate with my mother. It was a time when she wasn't drunk yet. She would often hug or kiss us when she was drunk and I remember hating it. It wasn't love. Anyway, there was the time, at 6 years old, that I got psoriasis and it was really bad. Kids at school were teasing me, throwing my books down the hall, calling me 'scab.' It was really bad. I went home one day in tears. My mother hads me sit down on the floor in front of her. As I watched television, she stroked my hair and told me it would be alright. That is the only memory I have, as a child, of her affection. All her other attempts were tainted by alcohol and even at her best, while drunk, she was still very mean.

As a child, I just wanted to be loved by my mother. I longed for the day when we could 'talk' about boys and laugh and joke around. That day never came, not even as an adult.

This is why I believe very strongly in nurturing our inner child. I believe we have to tell our inner child that she is loved, that it was not her fault etc.

I want to commend each of you for sharing your stories. It is not an easy thing to do, but it shows healing, strength, and courage.

On the days when I'm spinning. I think you know what I mean by that, Morbidly wandering down Memory Lane, on those days when I can't stop thinking about it all, you must have those days too, I have to take a step back from myself and just make believe I am a friend of mine. Self talk.

I tell myself to calm down, do something to make yourself feel better. Play with your babies, my lizards, take a long, hot soak. Make something nice to eat, watch a movie that made you feel comfortable and happy.

I try so hard to stop thinking. Most of the time I am successful. I bury myself in my work. I am constantly trying to come up with new art projects because while involved in them I am my happiest.

The times though I am at the most peaceful is when I am in Nature. There I feel I am closest to God and all his glory. I talk to God a lot. That helps the most.

I like to garden alot! I say Im close with God and nature. People seem to let me down. I would like to be closer to people. I would like to trust again. I talk to God alot. I say that is one of the blessings of getting pushed out of a family. It has pushed me closer to God. Art work helps me too. Nice to see that Im not alone here:) my mom would swing from neglect to control. I think the control felt like love. It was hard to give up the little bit of attention I was getting. I couldnt be myself though. I had to keep my opinions to myself or the fighting would start up. I couldnt pretend to agree with her anymore. I just had to get away. So.......my entire front yard is a garden!

My whole house is a garden. Hahahahaha. Hey, we do what we have to to keep our sanity.

I was taken care of but NEVER cared for so I know what you mean. I don't remember any close, sweet or tender moments with my Mum. She was Hell on Wheels.

I wonder why children from the same abusive home can be so different. one being cautious,careful of others feelings but guilt ridden and sorry for things they never did and the other cold and mean not caring who they hurt. I wish a clear conscience meant a happy soul for me. Can we really undo the lies weve been told about who we are? I want to believe so. It is my goal. Im getting the facts straight but my emotions dont line up so much. I struggle alot with that. I am more at peace when Im alone. I dont feel like I fit in most the time.

freemenow,
From what I have learned and what I understand, in every family the children take on different roles. For instance, one child might be the peacemaker while another might be the rebel. I'm not sure why this is so, but it is interesting.

As far as undoing the lies that we have been told, yes, I believe we can! It takes time to process through everything, but we can undo what we learned and what we were told. It takes a lot of effort on our part and perhaps years of therapy, but it can be done.

The emotions during this process will be difficult to sort out. I believe it's important to allow ourselves to feel the varying emotions and to process through them. We can do this through drawing, writing, coloring, singing, dancing etc. Working through the emotions will help us to heal.

Continue to stand strong!

I too have thought much about birth order. Just think about this. A first child. Wanted. Parents are younger and have more of a positive attitude about the future. But as time goes on the parents are getting older and tireder, if that's a word. Second child is kind of a redo from the first. Parents have learned alot and do things a bit differently. Maybe make some of the same mistakes but not as many. Parents are learning. They went to school on the first one. Isn't that when parents make the most mistakes?

As far as how they treat the children. I think people learn from each other how to treat each other. Does that make any sense? If a person treats someone a certain way in the beginning and aren't corrected if they are mean and hurtful, they just keep doing it. So if Mum and Dad don't treat one child very nice the other children learn that from them. I'm not saying this happens in ALL families, just in the abusive ones.

My best friend is much older than I am. Her daughter is about 10 years younger than me. I see how she treats her and I get sick. BECAUSE she treats her with consideration, respect, dignity and honour. I feel so cheated yet I still admire her. She knows about my abusive family/past. She is such a sweet, Christian woman and I love her dearly. When you actually see how you should have been treated and weren't it really hurts.

thanks guys:) also my sister who is mean is the youngest and my stepdads daughter. my moms second family so to speak. i think he may have taught her that she is above my brother and i. they would never admit that. it is my hunch. at 46 it is a difficult thing to swallow because he has been my dad since i was 2. little by little they have been cutting us out. weird thing is, it hurts but i dont even like them. i love them but dont like them. hard to sort out. they are so passive aggressive. i thought i was crazy. i was always told that the sky was green or purple when i knew it was blue. it makes you doubt your own instincts. i was threatened so much i couldnt speak. now when people are rude, i freeze. my response system is delayed. i do recognize abuse now and trust "me" more! when i started to find my voice they had to send me packing. my brother loves me dearly so he is out as well. he has a head injury and is 4 years sober. i worry about him and am very protective of him. i dont share all my thoughts and feelings w/ him because he wants to kick their asses for me all the time. he wont though. at least i hope not. i think my family is a ticking time bomb. i just want to spare my kids and brother further pain and myself.....