BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids List of Reasons for Not Having Children

Andso,
That is so cool. Can you give examples of what you and your husband say? I suspect I'll be encountering this soon and would love some help! haha

Sophia7, I was re-reading my post and I feel that it came out a little too harsh. Sorry. I admit, it was kind of a revelation to learn that people out there are just not being open about not wanting kids. I don't know why: I know for a fact that a lot of happy parents (especially mothers) are also just being political or exaggerating their happiness (when not blatantly faking). But then I have never been able to do that either. Everybody who knows me knows how unhappy I was when I was pregnant and when my child was born. (This last point was not believed by many though)
Actually I can understand your point, if you are open and say "I don't want children", you have to start justifying yourself right afterwards. I've been there! I would have spared some stress and even tears if I had done like you do. I have been a vegetarian for over 10 years, and it is funny to see the parallelism. When I say "I am a vegetarian", someone will often ask why, and in my long experience, a very high percentage of those who ask are not interested to know my reasons, they just want to prove me wrong the moment I open my mouth, so I have learned to make my answers so short and uncontroversial as possible. Funny that such simple, personal things can bother or unsettle people, mostly perfect strangers!!!

I think its more in how to say things as opposed to what you say.... In a conversation not getting into the kiddy talk. I think I'd feel like I had to mention it, in the interest of disclosure or something... I don't know. But now its just not in my conversation just like I never spoke about it in high school, or junior school. I just don't talk about it.... a lady asked me when I would be having kids recently, only because thats all she had to say... I think she genuinely had nothing else to say... I just said "in a very polite and dismissive manner almost as if she had asked me to pass her the salt "my husband and I don't plan to have kids" and then the conversation just moved on. My just plays along in conversation. If he's told you once, he's not telling you again... but when people seem to want to insist... he'll go ahead and throw those all so common reasons at them... in such hilarious fashion. You know the ones I mean.. the ones we've all listed on this forum. But its the way he uses them that really lights up the conversation... interestingly parents agree with all those downfalls... when you present them like that they don't feel attacked... they will agree and acknowledge the reality.. except for them I guess its worth it. So he just plays along....he doesn'y hold peoples kids...infact he looks really awkward doing so, he mostly just acts like the kido is invisible ...you'd have to hear him going Nuh! I don't do kids!! But its never aggressive, its just cool...because its not a big deal. I feel like I am fumbling for words to explain here, but its really not necessary to have that conversation.....I don't know... help please someone

Andso,
You explained that great, and I get what you're saying. I sorta take the same light-hearted approach when people question my eating habits, which differ from most folks'. I like the "pass the salt approach," haha, and I can picture that phrase of your husband's being said in a silly way.

It's awesome how "humor" can diffuse tension...sometimes it can be tricky knowing "how" to implement it, but it sounds like you and your husband are doing great with it... it's encouraging to know, and thanks for sharing!!

When people ask me if I have kids, I often just say "No!" with a smile and in a tone of voice that implies it's the greatest thing in the world and leaves no room for discussion. People usually just leave it at that. Sometimes I'll add that "My ferrets keep me plenty busy!" which helps deflect from the kid issue because ferrets are unsual pets (compared to cats and dogs anyway). At this point all the curious questions we get are about the ferrets instead of the fact that we're childfree. To the "When are you having kids?" question, I often say "When we decide we actually want them!" without necessarily feeling the need to add that the answer to that is "Never!" :) Sometimes I'll say "I'm/We're not!" in that same tone of voice that says I couldn't be happier about it.

I just don't want any.

I just don't feel the desire.

Some people just aren't meant to be parents and I'm one of them.

I like little kids but only if they belong to other people.

Kids just seem to chaotic and unreasonalbe to me.

I need order and calm in my life.

No one should tell you you HAVE TO have kids. It's YOUR life not theirs.

Children are such a commitment. Such a Looooong commitment. And if you didn't want them to begin with WHO are you helping by having any?

An unwanted pregnacy can ruin your life. It can take ALL your time and energy when you should have been putting it into YOUR life.

I think much child abuse is the result of women having children they never wanted to begin with.

People tell you that you'll need them to take care of you when you are old yet I hear old people all the time talking about how they never see their kids anymore. They are off living their own lives. Some people get lucky though and are very involved with their children and grandchildren, I'm not talking about them.

If having a family is important to you then have a family. If it isn't get busy on doing what YOU want.

I do much better, I think, with baby animals. I feel a passion with them. Even grown up animals. Some of us are like that. I love taking care of them. I get love from them and that's enough for me.

Sorry if my post has already been covered in other posts. I just don't have the time to read the entire thread. Have to get to work.

I can't have children. But as time goes by, I'm really quite happy without. My fiance and I have complete freedom to do whatever we want to. He is in his forties and has muscular dystrophy and I am in my thirties. We both have been married before. ( no kids ) I hate to say this, but it is all about us the second time around. We are living life to the fullest, before life sets in. We are enjoying every bit of it.

* Economic times are incredibly hard, and having a baby is a huge expense. Unfortunately Americans are losing their jobs and homes right now, and there's no guarantee that Mom and Dad will still be employed when those insurance fees or field trip dollars are due. Scary. * Many adult children choose not (or are unable) to spend time with or care for their aging parents, so that blows up the whole "who will take care of you when you're old" debate. Besides, knowing that I'll be responsible for taking care of my aging parents makes me afraid to have children for financial reasons - I can't support myself, kids and elderly parents at the same time! * In such a materialist society, many children I observe believe they're OWED things that I, as a parent, could only ever HOPE to provide - things like a better vacation than their classmates, a cooler prom outfit, expensive school trips, etc. I've seen many parents get bitter with their children over this subject; the kids are ungrateful and the parents lose their cool. It's an all-around bad situation: everybody's bitching all the time. Sad for all. Only the most centered of parents seem able to raise children who are immune to the desire to outdo the Joneses during their formative years. I am NOT the most centered of adults, and I probably wouldn't be the most centered of parents. So odds are my kids would be ungrateful and I would be bitter. It doesn't seem appealing. * In my experience women with children often explain away unusual behaviors in the workplace by telling me "You'd understand if you had children." I believe that IS true: some things are only understood by a mother and being a parent is a top-priority 24-hour-a-day job. But I've heard this justification abused so, so many times in professional situations that I'm fed up with it. I feel like it's not fair to use parenthood as an untrue excuse for child-unrelated personal/professional shortcomings - no child free couples use NOT having children as an excuse for calling off work every Friday, always showing up 20 minutes late, requiring hours of "personal phone time" during each workday, etc. Being a parent and a professional is hard to juggle - kudos to all who manage it! But could I? As I've worked various jobs in the last 15 years I've met hundreds of working parents who could NOT handle the double stress. It's really, really hard and it's not for everyone. I couldn't have children until I really knew I could either a) financially and psychologically afford to take time off work to stay at home for a few years or b) without a doubt handle my job and my kids with my husband's help. * And very most importantly . . . . . why have kids when you can have a dog? A dog will love you forever, not like a kid who will invariably go thru a period of hating their parents at some point in their life. I'll take a dog, hands down!

[quote=4Ferrets] To the "When are you having kids?" question, I often say "When we decide we actually want them!" without necessarily feeling the need to add that the answer to that is "Never!" :) Sometimes I'll say "I'm/We're not!" in that same tone of voice that says I couldn't be happier about it.[/quote] I like this! :o) Will try it next time. Solalux, I understood what you were saying - part of what has helped me begin to claim and acknowledge my own feelings about being childfree has been the recognition that there is a lot of ambivalence out there that is not being voiced, not to mention a lot of parents who put on a happy face when things are actually pretty crummy. Hard to know what people are really thinking sometimes. It can be pretty isolating as well - and hard to know who to trust when you're trying to discern your own feelings.

Teenagers! The impression I've gotten from most of the people I've spoken to about having kids is that they only really want them when they are babies/young kids. They don't really think about what it will be like when they are going through the teen years. I am only 21, so the people I've talked to about it are relatively young, so I don't know if this ideal of what having children means changes when you are older. But one thing that annoys me is that I always have to explain myself as to why I don't want children, but not once has anyone told me a good reason for actually having them (besides fulfilling selfish needs to feel complete or happy). I just can't see a justifiable reason for enforcing life onto someone else.