BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Never wanted kids...almost 41 and panicking

I just want to say thank you for allowing yourself to be so vulnerable. I think its wonderful, some of us will look at you and know that anyone can get scared. We have too many brave faces in life, and noone likes to be exposed as afraid, but its nice to know that tho' I've never met you, you are one person who did get scared, and when I get scared, I will know that I am not stupid, or weird, and that its okay to be

Spirituality, I have to correct you. Asperger's, which I have, is NOT a type of autism. It is on the autism *spectrum*, but it is not autism itself. We are different than autistic people in that we have different levels of capabilities--e.g., we have fewer problems with communication, do better on intelligence tests, and have other developmental areas where we are drastically different than autistic people. Also, Asperger's is similar but NOT the same as high-functioning autism--again, there are very important developmental differences. The correct way to describe Asperger's is "on the autism spectrum", not as "a type of autism". Not trying to be rude; just that I get frustrated that most people don't know what Asperger's is or have misinformation about it; I'm more than a little sensitive about this. No offense intended or anything; not trying to single you out or do a personal attack. Again, I'm really not trying to be mean, but I do feel that there is a very important distinction between saying "a type of autism" and "on the autism spectrum". The former is a bit misleading and might not give others (IMO) an accurate picture of what Asperger's is, since our functionality/developmental differences are pretty big. Calling it "a type of autism" might lead people to think that we exhibit certain behaviors/have certain developmental limitations that we don't have and thus would not help people who are unfamiliar with Asperger's to understand it better, in my view. Again, really am not trying to be mean or rude.

Hi Jillster, I think you are so lucky to have a husband who is understand and supportive. And I also admire you for having the courage to be honest and open with your husband about this; I'm sure it couldn't have been easy. I do have to agree with other users: I think it's the finality of the situation that's really troubling and not the end result. Best of luck to you and your husband and I hope that whatever decision you end up making, you will be happy and have peace with it ^_^ and good luck with school too, if you're still in school/haven't finished yet :-)

Hi again. It's been many months since I originally created this post. To catch you up to speed: We cancelled the appt for my husband's vasectomy. We decided to wait until January - so I could finish my last semester of school and give me time to reflect on everything. So, I had thought long and hard about not having kids. I allowed myself time to think about things. I always came back to my feeling of not wanting children. I look at/reflect on my friends and their lives with children. It never appeals to me - the anguish, car seats, driving the kids here and there, the responsibility and demands of it all. Having someone love you appeals to me, but the responsibility of a child and all that comes with it doesn't. I also have always known with my personality that I couldn't handly emotionally having a kid. I do suffer from anxiety and mild depression (something I've endured since I was as young as I can remember) and I don't feel I'm equipped to deal with what a child needs. I love spending time with my nieces, nephews, children of friends, but then I can go home to peace and quiet. My husband has never wanted kids either. So, after much thought, last November we rescheduled the vasectomy appt and my husband had the procedure on January 13th. I have also just graduated nursing school in December, found out that I passed my nursing boards yesterday, and am in the process of closing my massage therapy business so I can start my new RN job at the local hospital. This all sounds neat, tidy and summed up, right? Well.....in the last few days I have these anxious and sad feelings around the decision we made to have the vasectomy. I am scared to death that we made the wrong decision. All I can keep thinking about is: Am I going to regret not having children? These thoughts are swimming around my head and consuming me. I have talked to a few close people in my life, including my husband, about my thoughts/fears. In general, since they know me so well, they believe I made the right decision. My husband and I talked last night. I felt horrible bringing it up after he went through the procedure (his scrotum is still tender and he can't wear jeans very well), but I told him how I was feeling. We talked about the things we have always talked about over the years: we never wanted our own child, we have always been open to adopting and helping a child in need, we like our life together, etc.. He thinks that these feelings are more related to my fear of being old and left alone/abandoned - fears that I have worked on for YEARS! I am terrified of being abandoned and alone when I'm old. How can I ensure that doesn't happen? I may outlive my husband and be alone. My mother says it's important to surround yourself with people, especially younger people, and to stay active until the end. But, fear of being alone is never reason enough to have children. So, here I am all freaked out that having children of my own is no longer an option for me - even though up to now I have never wanted any. I am almost 42. My rational side says that if I had wanted children in my life then I would have had one by now. Thank you, whoever is out there, to listen to me. I need to sort out these feelings so I can be in peace. I am scared to death right now that I not have made the right decision - to not have children.

Hold onto this. You've lived your life so far without children, and never felt you wanted or needed them. The rest of your life will be the same.

Now's the time to be practical. What measures do you need to put in place to ensure that as far as possible, you'll be okay in your later years? That might mean organising savings, insurance, investments. It definitely means building a warm and supportive networkd of friends and family. Having children does not protect you from abandonment. Retirement homes are full of lonely old people who raised kids that never visit them. Taking some action now might help you to feel more empowered against these feelings of panic.

Hi Kalinka - thank you for your advice. I actually feel better today. What you said about planning for the future and taking action to build a warm and supportive network - I decided yesterday that these things would be my focus for the future. Thank you for your support!

Jillster, the old adage"Who will be there for you when you're old?" Is a common one.I wouldn't cling to it, though. I can tell you from experience. In high school I volunteered at a retirement home...many of the residents with children saw them ONCE or TWICE per year. Interestingly enough, the residents that never had kids always had nieces and nephews visiting.

Also, I think this particular fear is one that others (often people with children) put into our heads. I think it's probably one of the ONLY things people with kids say that many of us childfree by choicers can relate too.