BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Never wanted kids...almost 41 and panicking

My 41st birthday is in 2 weeks. Been married for 17 years and my husband and I never wanted kids. Other than my 2 nephews and 1 niece, but most other kids annoyed me. For the last 2 years I have wanted my husband to have a vasectomy. We had a consult appt on 4/24 and scheduled the procedure for 5/21. Ever since the consult appt I have been freaking out about the decision. "It's permanent" the Dr. said. I don't understand what I am going through. I am terrified that I will regret my decision. My husband and I love our life. We are both independent and like our quiet time. And we love to spend time together. We both work full time and I am about to graduate from RN school and start my new career in January. :) We have never wanted our own children but we are open to adopting or helping other's kids one day - the world is already overpopulated. And, now I am almost 41 - an age where this decision can't be put off any longer. I don't feel or look old, but according to my biological clock and the viability of my eggs I am . We lost our last dog last June. I so want another dog once school is done and I can devote the time to the dog that it deserves. I am not sure if I am panicking b/c of the changes coming up in my life (graduating, giving up my massage business I've built up for the last 13 years, starting a new career), if I miss having a dog or if I really want kids. I don't think I do but I am all freaked out about the permanance of the vasectomy and my fear of possible regret. Plus, will I be all alone when I'm old? I see my friends lives with their kids and it doesn't appeal to me at all. The love of a child warms my heart and I love being an aunt - but will that be enough? I have talked to numerous friends and stumbled upon this forum in my quest for answers. I know my thoughts are all over the place, but an advice would be SO appreciated. Thank you and Happy Mother's Day to you mother's out there!

I have four daughters and still face the prospect of being alone at old age. Children are no guarantee that you won't be alone.

Also being your age myself (a year older) I can tell you that while many do have children at this age, it is not ideal and the media does not often talk about the not so idea aspects of parenthood when you're in your 40's. To be realistic we are middle aged people and IMO it is not a good time to start thinking of having a family. The risk of downs syndrome is astronomical. You've been perfectly happy this long.

I never gave thought to having kids. I just had them. But I do believe that people can have completely full lives without children and I think you're making the right choice. At this point, biologically, is is likely the choice has been made for you. It is very difficult for women to get pregnant after 40 in spite of the stories you hear contrary to that.

Being a biological parent isn't the end all and be all. I have two bio children, one step child and one adopted child and biology doesn't make the child or the parent. Trust me on that one.

We all parent and mother even without having our own biological children with our nieces, with our neighbors, within our communities, as a nurse. Biologically creating something isn't going to make you more a mother or more a woman. It's acceptable to make the choice you've made, and admirable too.

"[i]We all parent and mother even without having our own biological children with our nieces, with our neighbors, within our communities, as a nurse. Biologically creating something isn't going to make you more a mother or more a woman. It's acceptable to make the choice you've made, and admirable too.[/i]" Stephanie ~ Thank you for your response - it brought tears to my eyes. When I pull the fear/anxiety out of the situation I feel fine. But then the emotions creep up. Your words have given me pause for thought! thanks!

Hi Jillster, I am 32 so I may not be full of the wisdom you would desire. However I'll put in my two sense and hope that it will have some bearing on your thought. My husband got his vasectomy on April 20. He went for his first consult some time in November last year, and even though we made this descision together, with the full knowledge that we didn't want to have children, and we have agreed on this, emotionally and intellectually. The minute I knew he would be going for the actual vasectomy made me panick. Interestingly though, after the vasectomy, it was over. We are now done with that part of our lives, and there is no panick. I think as you said, the idea of this being final, may begin to pause a threat, but really its like going just sealing the deal. I am certain that even when one choses to have children, at the point when the woman is actually pregnant, or maybe towards the days of her delivery, or even after, there is a time where they too will wonder if they made the right descision, whether or not it was the right time etc...When I moved to Australia, I constantly asked myself was it the right descion, would we cope would we be okay... but here we are. I believe its important to enjoy today....yes we must plan for the worst, and hope for the best... but its today that we are guranteed of, and therefore it is today that we must make the most of. Thank you Stephanie for your post... I think its very encouraging

Andso? - thank you. I had a great talk with my Mom yesterday - for like 4 hours, She suggested that we could postpone the appt so I could sort through my feelings - still debating if I will. I almost feel like once it's done I'll be fine. At this moment, I feel calm about the decision. Not sure how I will feel later.

Another thought: right now I want to be CF, but what happens in 3, 5, 7, 10 years if I don't. Biologically I am too old and my husband has had a vasectomy? I guess I can foster, adopt, be a big sister. Any other options?

You could just love the one you are with... and resolve to live happily ever after.....

Feeling better as each days go by. Really thinking about why I would want kids vs. not. Going to see my counselor today and talk to her too. Have til Monday to cancel the vasectomy appt and reschedule it if I am still not sure of my feelings.

I'm glad you mentioned the counselor -- I was just going to suggest talking to someone about it! I think it's normal to experience anxiety when you're faced with such a final decision - though I always thought it was the man who had second thoughts :-)

I'll be 40 soon, and we don't have kids. We're trying, but are dealing with infertility issues. I'm happy either way - if we have kids or not.....but I can totally see how the finality of a vasectomy would pierce my heart. It's a big life decision, even though it's only a little snip-snip!

Anyway, I just want to wish you luck, jillster. I hope you find continued peace with your decision.

Also - did you say how your hubby feels about it? (I hope I'm not being intrusive!)

Laurie

Hi Laurie ~ I did talk to him about my feelings. He said we could postpone the V for as long as I need. He wants me to really think about what I am feeling and find peace within myself. He's so understanding. I saw my counselor today. I have known her for 12 years. She said that for as long as she's known me I have been clear about my feelings about NOT having kids. I still need to work on my abandonement/being alone issues. I am still processing things.