BellaOnline Forums Family Early Childhood I can't control my 2-year old son. help!!

i've a 2 year old son & he's soooo active & sometimes i think i'm going crazy!he jumped at me, screamed when he can't get the thing he wanted & he really believed that he's a power ranger!he fights monsters all the time (which happened to be me!) he breaks cups and saucers everytime we went visiting to a friend's or relatives house. being a working mom, i get so tired coming home from work every night, & looking at his behaviour sometimes made me feel like tying him to a chair or something. thank God I haven't resorted to that yet.he's also very clingy to me, sometimes to the extend of waiting in the bathroom while i take my bath! but the worst part is the 'NO'. whatever i asked him to do, his answer will most likely be a no. he refuse to wear his nappies, refuse to eat, refuse to sleep. his dad smacked him whenever he's naughty & he realy listen to dad but not me.i smacked him sometimes when i really lost my temper, but i really can't do it like his dad did coz i feel guilty everytime he cried. he won't talk to the parent who scolded or smacked him for at least an hour after that. however he's really a smart boy for his age.he loved reading books (although he threw it to me sometimes), dancing, singing..he can even build blocks as tall as him. when he's being a sweet boy, he'll come to me n massaged my shoulder when i come back from work & asking does it feel ok?or mommy, are u still tired?people n his nursery teacher told me he speaks well for his age.he can count from 1 to 5 in 2 languages now..but i really can't take his activeness, n i can't use his dad's way of dealing to it. i tried the 'naughty corner' or 'naughty chair' theory but it didn't work. he knows that it's just a corner or a chair..desperate need of help..pls help me!

First of all, I do not believe that any child should ever be "smacked". What does that teach them? - that they must suffer pain when they are not doing what you want them to do? Have you ever tried diverting his attention from the bad behaviour to something positive? Have you tried denying something he likes doing rather than smacking him - to teach him that if he mis-behaves, he will not be able to do something he likes doing. To punish by restriction and denial may be far better than inflicting pain.

Two year olds are naturally rebellious and cantankerous and will constantly challenge you because they need to know what their boundaries are. Now is the time to teach him exactly where his boundaries are and in turn this will give him security and trust that you will be there when he needs you and may help him to calm down and begin acting in an acceptable manner. This is a critical stage of their growth and learning. Taking some parental classes may help you to learn how to deal with this frustrating and seemingly impossible stage.

It would also be a good idea to speak with his pediatrician for some tips.

Hello there. I have raised three children of my own, plus have experience with other children as both an aunt, friend and a teacher. I'll try to help!

Ok, the first thing to do is take a deep breath and relax. They call this the "terrible twos" for a reason. It is a trying time for any parent. Plus, the fact that you both work outside the home means you 1. aren't around him for most of the day to provide structure and 2. are very tired by the time you come home.

Toddlers are energetic. This alone tries one's patience! Do take hope in the fact that "this, too, shall pass"...every phase does. Meanwhile, these parenting tips can help!

1. Give him lots of loving, laughter and attention when you can. Make being with you pleasant. Then, if he does not behave, his consequence will be to have to sit alone in his room or another room--while everyone else is having fun. Make it clear: If you will hit, hurt or misbehave, you can't be with us. We don't like being hit or hurt.
Then, when he decides he'll behave, make his return very, over the top happy. 'Yay! Bobby's back! We're so glad you're back to have fun with us! I'm so proud of you because you know how to be nice to others."

2. Make this clear: If you cry, yell or throw a tantrum, you get nothing. Then, ignore his behavior when he does this. If at home, he goes to his room where he can get it all out by himself. But you don't have to listen to it! If out in public, take him to the car and let him scream it out while you stand outside the car. Then, tell him that if he does that again, he will stay home next time. You will NOT take him out in public unless he can behave. No one likes to see and hear that nonsense. And keep your promise. Find a neighbor, your husband or someone to watch him while you go out. He'll learn quickly that if he wants to go with you, he needs to act like a big boy. Praise him every for anything positive he does. "You're acting like a big boy and you can go to nice places with us all the time now."

3. If he wants something, he has to use his words to tell you. If he demands, screams and cries, he gets nothing. "Use your words or you get nothing." If he asks nicely, he can have something small. Does he have to get something every time you go out? Nope. Tell him that you don't have enough money to give to the cashier. If he cries about it, he has to stay home next time.

As he grows, teach him about money. Give him a quarter and show him how to spend it or save it. Then, I'd tell my kids that I would give them money if I had it but I didn't have any more. They knew what that meant.

4. Consequences for bad behavior work best when there are rewards for good behavior. Too many parents only dole out the punishment. Kids need to know there are alternatives: Good stuff for good behavior. Not material things, necessarily, but good attention. Piggy back rides, stories, swinging them round for rides work great and are free. Making cookies together, etc.

Consequences for bad behavior should be natural. Can't treat others nicely? You spend time away from everyone. Mistreat toys? You don't get to play with them.

The best reward for kids is your time and attention. Make it super fun. Sometimes, I would invent games like using a string on a broomstick with a clothespin on the end to make a "fishing pole"...then, my kids could "fish" while I sat on the other side of the couch and would pin on different toys and treats. I'd use their usual toys, not new ones. Or, I'd clip on a treat or two I'd pick up. They loved when we played restaurant or we'd built forts. It was so much fun that they behaved. If they didn't, they knew they'd be out of the fun.

But when you're tired, be honest and say, "Mommy is so tired. Can you rub her head?" Exchange massages or back scratches.

Now here is the important part: Consistency! Kids need to know that you mean business and won't change up the rules. They have to know that you will follow through. So follow through and yes, you'll have to listen to crying during this period of their lives. I don't care about specific amounts of time for time-outs. Just as long as they can settle down and agree to change their ways, they can come and rejoin the family.

Kids also need a routine. Doesn't have to be rigid. But dinnertime, bath, story and bedtime should be regular. If not "on the dot" on the clock, just follow the order.

Kids are this age need immediate feedback for their actions. They don't understand, "You can't go to the movies next weekend." You don't need to smack them. Witholding your attention is punishment enough as long as you give a lot of positive attention when they are behaving.

Since you work outside the home, it is all the more critical that you spend your home time focused on him. No "Go play in your room because I have to do the laundry, finish my reports, do the dishes, etc." Include him in your activities. His waiting outside the bathroom while you shower is a clear sign, he needs you. Feel loved. His behavior gets your attention. He only wants to be with you.

Give him lots of attention and time. He needs it now. Play with him, read to him, sing to him, etc. Then, when you have to lay down the law, he'll be more likely to listen to you out of love. It's so much better than listening to you out of fear. Reason with him and explain things to him. He can understand.

Good luck and have fun! Childhood passes so quickly.

Lori, I came in here to respond - but there's nothing left to say, LOL!

What fantastic advice!

Well, there two-year-olds are tough but they sure make up for it with cuteness! Just adorable. It's actually my favorite age. But it does take energy!

One thing I forgot to emphasize is to make things very simple and clear to kids. And give them choices (but YOU control the choices that you can live with!)

"You may NOT scream outside the bathroom while I shower. Do you want play with your puzzles while you wait for me or scream in your room by yourself?"

"If you scream and cry, you get nothing. If you wait patiently and quietly, you can choose a small treat."

"It's time to eat. Eat with us OR play in your room by yourself until we're done." Then, do not give anything else to eat until the next meal time. NO dessert, if dinner wasn't eaten. They'll learn quickly to eat at mealtimes. Because kids have small tummies and it might seem to cruel to leave them empty so long, allow them to have a glass of milk for nutrition but no solids until next meal or scheduled snack. I don't like withholding food as punishment, but they do need to learn that they can't treat your kitchen like a fast food establishment and eat whenever they like. Snacks are important but not a continual, daylong grazing or they won't be hungry at meal times and have a tendency to be too food-oriented.

As long as you're consistent, they'll get with the program quickly. If you watch all those Nanny 911 shows, you see that the problem boils down to parents who are inconsistent so kids don't know what to expect and they become little anarchists.

Two year olds lack communication skills and language to be able to express their wants and needs and that is the reason for their tantrums. They're also learning that they DO have emotions like anger and frustration and they are surprised by them. Everything erupts as tears and screaming. Smacking them for crying is cruel because they really can't help their reaction. They're learning how to control their emotions.

It takes patient on the part of parents, but the two year olds DO grow out of this, if parented properly. Actually, they are learning how to deal with their emotions by watching the adults in their lives. If you react with anger, you're teaching him to react with anger.

Say, "I'm sorry you're feeling angry/sad. When I feel angry, I..." Teach your kids how to deal with emotions.

With ALL that said, did I lose my temper and yell at my kids? Sure. I'm human. But I apologized afterward and talked to them about what got me upset. And when I yelled, I said productive things like, "I told you you're going to get hurt if you don't knock that off!!!" NOT, "You little brat!!! Knock that off!!!"

They learned that everyone gets mad once in a while and we get over it. But they learned, too, that mom has a breaking point and they'd best stay far away from it. I'm still the mom.

I'm sorry my posts are so darned long!!! I'll try to keep 'em short from now on.

Lori, you do have some great advice there. Very well worded!

You've already gotten some great advice, but I'd like to add one more point. Your son sounds a lot like mine when he was this age. It was only at age 6 that I found out that he had ADHD.

He's too young to be tested but if his hyperactivity and 'misbehavior' continue despite your efforts, then perhaps you will want to look into it when he is older.