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Joined: Apr 2009
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DifferntKindofGirl, To say they "should fake being happy around their children", and have the audacity to believe their children are stupid enough to believe this, REALLY don't understand the psyche of children. Children are extremely perceptive to the moods and feelings of their parents. I feel sorry for the parent, whom thinks they are going to fool a child into believing that phooey!

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Being fake and acting happy, cures nothing and will not make anything better. You are short changing not only yourself but your loved ones, when you fake it. Children know everything that goes on.

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Susannah and Asphalt Annie, What do you two suggest? Adoption I guess? I used to baby-sit a LOT growing up. I didn't always feel like it, and didn't always enjoy the children, but in those cases, I faked it. Why wouldn't I want to hide from a child that I wasn't having a good time? As far as they knew, I loved baby-sitting for them (and most of the time, I did). To say the kids adored me is an understatement. Maybe I'm just a really great actress? haha Anyway, I think it would be "much" better for these women AND the children if they "acted" happy, regardless of how they felt. I disagree that acting happy cures nothing. You should not use it to replace getting help, or discussing that there's a problem - of course not, but in the case of children, I think problems should be hidden from them. And, in the meantime, acting happy *can* help - studies have proven this. Google (smiling tricks the brain, happy) if you're interesting in studies/articles about this. **Fake it until you make it.** A motto I agree with. :)

Last edited by DifferentKindofGirl; 04/21/09 02:23 PM.
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Fake people are not liked by many, or atleast not liked by genuine people. Wouldn't a child who grows up, rather know his mom was unhappy about her decision and admire her honesty, rather than know she faked it and had no respect to tell him the truth? Plus the mom is perpetuating the happiness mtyh if she lies. Maybe these women are in their situations because their mom's lied to them about parenthood and happiness. Why wish the same existance upon your own child? Why not do your best, and when the child is old enough explain how hard and lonely parenthood is? My suggestion is to not have anymore kids, you are unhappy, not to lie the child you have, and to do the best you can. If you can't do it, adoption is an option and I amdire any woman strong enough to admit she needs to give the child up for adoption.
The myth of how great motherhood is, is perpetuated by people who lie about it, why continue with this downward spiral of unhappiness? Be honest about it.

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Did you not comperhend? Children are VERY PERCEPTIVE! Let you in on a little secret, babysitting and having an actual child of your own, to raise and nurture into a valuable memder of society is, so far removed from each other, as to be farcsicle. Another little secret, anyone can find a site of a 'study', for such and such, to help put their point across! Some little words to the wise; Believe nothing of what you read and only half of what you see! Maybe a far better motto, to heed?

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AsphaltAnnie, Those are some really great points. I agree that when the children are older, the parents should be honest about how hard it is. My father, who I adore and who has given SO much of himself to be a great dad actually encourages me *not* to have children. He says once you have them, they become your life and you love them more than anything, but if you don't have them, and don't know what you're missing, life is a lot simpler and easier. I SO love him for being truthful with me. My mom goes back and forth on telling me what to do. haha But anyway, [b]I guess what I'm getting at is that sometimes faking it can be necessary in order to spare others' feelings [/b](like children) - or to maintain harmony in a situation that can't be reasoned with (like with impossibly unreasonable people). I don't like fake people either, but sometimes it's the better alternative if there's no getting around whatever situation you're having to act fake in. I'm sure we'd all love to feel "genuinely" happy and loving all the time, but that's not realistic. As long as our "intentions" are good and genuine, I think that's what matters most. I guess what it gets down to is either let your child be adopted by a loving family, or vow to love you child and fake it if you have to. When the child grows up, you can then be honest about how hard it was... but even then, I'd tread the waters carefully there. Nobody wants to be told they were a total burden, right? Susannah, I comprehended what you said just fine - I just don't agree. We might have different ideas, but let not forget that we're both on same side here of wanting what's best for these kids. We can disagree, but there's no reason not to do so respectfully towards each other or without compassion towards these mothers. I wasn't comparing baby-sitting to raising children. I used it as an example to show that kids can be fooled and be none the wiser - I saw this for myself, and it at least appeared to work. You disagree - that's fine. You have a right to your opinion. Maybe you're right and I'm wrong. You are right in pointing out that not all studies are true. The best way to find out is to apply those studies to yourself and see what works. If I believed nothing of what I read, my life would be pretty sad. Anyway, we can continue this discussion if you'd like, but maybe there's no point, as we both disagree. Also, I won't continue this discussion unless it's done so respectfully. I'll respect your opinions if you respect mine. That doesn't mean we have to agree, but we can disagree kindly and with compassion, can we not? I've got to get going for now anyway - my happy garden is calling, and it's a beautiful day. :)

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I am a little disturbed by some of the 'lecturing' that has gone on in this thread recently. Believe me, women who don't love motherhood feel horribly guilty every single day. Do we really need the 'Bed.Made.Lie' comments? How about some helpful advice like seeking out support, joining Mom's groups, using techniques that help calm and soothe a fussy baby? I think a lot of moms are just in shock at how hard raising kids can be. Nobody prepares them.They're fed a lot of myths about raising kids and then reality sets in. The husband or boyfriend pretty much keeps the same life he had while you become the household drudge. Face it, it's not a lot of fun sometimes. It does NOT mean we don't love our kids. It's a different thing to love your kids vs. loving parenthood. I found a great book by Susan Jeffers called 'I'm OK You're a Brat' which blows up a lot of myths about motherhood. I strongly suggest it for anyone who's struggling. Someone suggested it to ME and God bless them! It helped me feel so much better. For the ones who think we're disgusting people because we mourn some of the things we've lost, I can only hope you are in a position of helplessness and frustration someday and can realize how important COMPASSION really is.

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Kaybee, Thank you for that wonderful post! Heartless, judgmental, compassionless posts will not help these ladies - they'll just make them feel even more hopeless I would imagine. I believe in these women, as you do, and they absolutely deserve our compassion and support - not only for their sakes, but also for their children's sakes! I'm sure we all remember the saying, "If Momma aint happy, aint Nobody happy!!" haha Thanks for taking a stand along with me. :) Love your suggestions and wanted to highlight them and add a little as well. Anyone else, please feel free to add to this list!!!! I know there are lots of great ideas out there! :) * [u]Seek out Support[/u] (Mom's groups -- Meetup.com, Church (though, church women might be less "open" about the hardships of motherhood?), etc.) * [u]Techniques to calm a fussy baby[/u] (How about the Baby Whisperer Series and books by Dr. Williams Sears, who also has a great website with helpful articles) * [u]Book: "I'm OK You're a Brat[/u]" by Susan Jeffers (check out reviews at Amazon.com) * [u]Library[/u] -- Lots of helpful parenting books there!! Complete Idiots Guides/Dummies books usually get straight to the point. * [u]Maintain Your Health[/u] -- Proper Nutrition (lots of nutrient-rich plant foods), Sleep, Sunshine, Exercise, Relaxation. I would imagine it's a lot easier to be a happy mommy if you feel good and know you're in control of your health. Healthy food is very satisfying and easy once you learn the ropes. * [u]Get Organized[/u]! -- Flylady.net, etc. Idiots/Dummies books have several on these. Being organized will give you a feeling of being more in control and can even give a sense of euphoria. Make yourself a notebook with a daily routine and what has to be done each day to maintain order. * [u]Time with Friends/Family[/u] -- It's important to have your social support Group! That can be either a group of friends, just one or two close friends, etc. Some just need one good friend they can trust - it just depends. :) * [u]ME Time[/u] -- Spend some time for yourself whether it's socializing, working towards personal goals, hobbies, music, etc. Carve out "at least" 5 minutes a day to meditate, listen to relaxing music, etc. Okay.... better stop brainstorming for now before this list becomes Mt. Everest!!! Anyone else with ideas, please post!! :)

Last edited by DifferentKindofGirl; 04/22/09 01:04 PM.
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I am curious as I try to understand what each woman is going through, so I have a few questions.
1. When did you realize you disappointment with motherhood? What sparked this disappointment? How old was your child when you started having these feelings? Has your mental state improved after talking about it? Is your husband aware of thee feelings? Does he support you? Does he feel the same way? Have you considered a vacation without the family? A chance to find yourself again and have some rest.
Thanks in advance for helping me understand.

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Hello Moms, My mom probably would have fit right in on this thread about hating being a mom, and you know what? I am fine! I love my mom, she loves me, and we are totally ok! I just wanted all of you moms who do not enjoy parenting to know that you are not destroying your children just because you are bored and depressed, in spite of what some of the lecturing replies on this thread tell you! Of course, you should seek help and support, but I just wanted you to know that you don't have to be perfect in order for your kids to be fine. My mom was terribly depressed when we were kids, BUT WE HAD NO IDEA. She faked it, and it worked! She was a stay at home mom, she baked bread, she cleaned the house, cooked meals from scratch, and did all of the physical things that needed to be done. She just seemed busy and serious to me, but not in a bad way. She did not read to us or play with us, but it did not seem strange to me at all. She was there, she loved me, she took care of me. I felt safe and loved. I was independent, and I played quietly by myself a lot, creating little worlds with toys, and reading a lot of books. Much later, when I was an adult, she told me that back then, she thought about suicide, was very depressed, and felt trapped. This does not seem odd to me because it is absolutely how I would feel if I had kids (which I never will, for that reason). All of this is, of course, sad, but it does not change the fact that she loves me, so it does not make me feel unloved. I am almost 40 and my brother is older. She has said that she felt terribly guilty about the whole thing, and we were shocked. I couldn't see what there was to feel guilty about. She (and my dad, who also does not enjoy children but is a great dad) did everything they needed to do for us. I think back in the 60s-70s, people were not as overwrought about feeling the need to read 10 bedtime stories to kids and play games with them and do constant activities. That is more of a contemporary thing. Many of us grew up without this level of attention and we are fine! One thing I will say: My parents hardly ever fought, and they are still happily married, but on the couple of occasions that there was tension between them, that was a lot more stressful to me than being left to entertain myself! My best friend's parents were much more doting than mine, but her parents went through a horrible divorce, and she was so much worse off than I was for a long, long time. My parents were very strict disciplinarians because they did not enjoy dealing with kids being gross at the dinner table, disobeying, etc. Again, this did not seem odd to me at all, and I was very turned off by kids I knew who were allowed to walk all over their parents. My parents never hit me, but they were extremely firm and I almost never stepped out of line. My home seemed like a very calm place because I knew what was expected of me. We were also not breastfed, because my mom found the idea horrifying, and we are totally fine. We are both extremely healthy and did well in school, my brother is a competitive athlete, and I have an advanced degree. So, please, on top of the fact that you are depressed and do not enjoy parenting, do not drown in guilt. I wish I could go back in time and tell my young mom that I would be fine. I really feel for all of you and I am so glad you found a place here for support. I think all of the people who have posted here just to lecture you are missing the point. I wish my mom had had something like this when we were kids.

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