BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting money issues with my adult step-daughter

I have an identical situation, except the worst part is our "mooch" is in my basement. She is 23 years of age and the second adult daughter to move in on the pretense of going to school, but instead has drifted from one crummy job to the next and hasn't the grades or the maturity for college, much less university. She is lazy, completely lacking in motivation or life skills (my 15 year old son says she acts and talks like girls in his grade 10 class) and lives to drink beer and smoke dope (occassionally with my son). Her father is also completely unable to set limits, puts up the nonsense excuses not to pay rent, get a job, etc. Currently she is unemployed and collecting UI because its just too "stressful" to look for work in the recession. Well, why would she? When I explain to my husband she is at the maturity level she is because no one has ever pushed her to do better, he just says he won't kick her out. I even offered to pay half her rent if she just finds a job and apartment of her own. I think if she really had any responsibility she'd soon discover it isn't very pleasant to be broke and try to improve herself. The values in my family are so different, we (my siblings) and their children were all expected to be self sufficient once they reached 18. I have actually moved out with my son, and the hope of reconcilliation is almost nil. We are going to counseling but this has gone on so long and I am so angry and hurt by my partner's inability to resolve things that I don't expect much. If you love your husband, at least be grateful the brat isn't living with you and setting a poor example to your children. Good luck, I am happy to talk more via email if you want. I totally share your frustration.

I really feel for you. I'm going through a similar situation myself. Notice that I said, "I'm going through...." I met my now ex-husband around 8 years ago. He has 3 children: 119, 18, 16 1/2. I have 4: 16 1/2, 15, 13 1/2 & 10. When I first moved in, my children didn't live with me. So, I used that oppritunity (sp) to prepare for the mixed family & my step parenting his children. I was in college @ the time. My guy's wife left him & their children for someone she met on line. I tried to pick up the pieces. With that in mind, I have tried giving 200% to all the children & him with nothing in return. After we married, we returned home to find that his children were bashing me. That hurt alot, but I kept trying. Then, my children came to live with us. It was early in the marriage that I found that a lot of back stabbing was going on to the point where, my husband's mother was verbally attacking me for setting limits/boundaries, rules, chores, etc. My husband, not helping much really just emotionally abandoned me & my kids. Need I say, I HAD a trust fund. Eventually after his daughter & oldest son had pyhsically asaulted me & his youngest son was abusing my oldest disabled son, I left & divorced him. You know the saying, "once shame on them, twice shame on me." Well, I am the stupid one as I am now engaged again to the same man, with the stipulation that his 2 oldest are pretty much adults & the one that abused my son is not permitted near me or my children. It has been very difficult & emotionally exhausting for me. Now, I find that my soon to be husband is allowing his oldest to live with him rent free, responsible free & broke. When now I am in public housing because HE can not support me or my children. He says he has put a time limit (by my request)for my step son to move out. In the meantime. I have no relationship with his family by their choice as they feel his kids are blameless, innocent and just plain...We helped you when you were younger (to my man) I'm so [censored] @ him, I could just scream! At least I'm trying to take it slow & have initiated my children into private, group and home based counseling. It would be easier for me to walk away, but I do love the man. I get no RESPECT! Help! Help! Help!

It does take a toll on a relationship, this is also the only thing we have disagreements over. One loses respect as one watches manipulation and wonders how anyone can be so clueless. Resentment builds. Shadra is right, it would be nice to be a main priority as one gets older and has worked hard to get to that point. It is guilt parenting, I realize that. Letting it go is the hard part as I watch my husband being taken advantage of and him allowing it to happen.

OK, friends...it's me again. I have a new issue. This time it's not just my step-daughter. It's my step-daughter AND step-son. She is 29, he is 37.
I married this wonderful older man. (I'm 41, he's 65.) I signed a pre-nup. (my idea, I'm his 4th wife, and I knew if I didn't offer that, he would probably not get married again...I love him...I'm not a gold-digger)
So, we've been married 7 years. It's been the very best 7 years of my life. He's got an amazing job, I don't have to work, we travel. It's bliss, really. (USUALLY)
Well, here's the kicker. He's always been very SECRETIVE about our finances. I know he makes a lot of money, I sign our taxes every year.
Well, I KNOW that he's lied to me about money that he's given his kids. I just know it, because I had his work email password, and something happened to make me feel justified to check it. I found some communication between him and a financial advisor about money he's given to his kids. It adds up to about $70,000. (this is within the last year) This is an account that he says was a TRUST for them, and he has nothing to do with it....they can take the money out whenever they want. Well, not without his permission, which he's totally lied to me about.
THIS IS THE REAL PROBLEM: There is basically NO Life Insurance Policy for me. (there's a $50,000 policy...through his work, but if he died, that would barely pay for the funeral) We "own" a home together....but, he took out a 30 YEAR mortagage on it. (when he was 59 years old) So, we own $228,000 on our home. I just found out that I'm not in the will, so, his kids get his entire 401K when he passes...and I get nothing but the house and, I won't be able to afford it unless he lives to be 89 years old. He gets mad when I tell him it's not fair, and I would have to sell my things if he died tomorrow. He FREAKED-OUT when I asked him to put an ammendment in the Will if he passes before the house is paid-off, so I can pay-it-off,since it's my only ASSET. He thinks he's going to live forever. I'm trying to think ahead.
I think I need to get my own Life Insurance Policy on him, but I know that will just make him livid. I HATE to think about MONEY all the time. I came from nothing, and never HAD any money, and now that I do, I want to make sure I am protected if something happens to him. I'm the one who's going to wipe his butt when he's old and in a wheelchair...NOT HIS KIDS!!!!
He just tells me not to worry, that I'll be fine. This is not the marriage that I pictured. If we had a "normal/conventional" marriage, of course, I would be in the will...but he feels that he needs to take care of his kids. What about me? He says, if he died tomorrow, I'd have to sell the house and get a job. That pisses me off!! I go to stupid work-functions with him and talk to people that are SO BORING and nothing at all like me. (I used to be in the Theatre...thus, I had NO MONEY!!!) It's not exactly hard labor, but it's not what I enjoy doing. I've given up so much for him. Moved to Texas. Don't sing anymore. I love him, though. And I don't understand why he can't love me the way I need to be loved. I feel that his kids come first. (can I take out a Life Insurance Policy without him knowing it?)
Any comments or advice would be appreciated. It feels good just to get this out.