BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting money issues with my adult step-daughter

OK, I just signed-up for this group because I'm at my wits-end. I've been married for 6 wonderful years to an older man. (I'm 41, he's 65) I have a 36 year old step-son. (he's wonderful) and a 28 year old step-daughter. (she's wonderful...sometimes......and really into daddy's money) This is my "pity-party"....I don't work....my husband is a great provider. He's very frugal, I'm very frugal. He's frugal....until it comes to my step-daughter. This has ALWAYS been an issue with us. MY Daddy never gave me anything, and I KNOW that MOST of this is MY ISSUE. Anyway, he set her up in 4 different colleges, and she didn't graduate from any of them. He let her have the credit card until she was 24 years old, and I started THERAPY because it bothered me so much. FINALLY, he took away the credit card. Blah, blah, blah....things come up, my husband and I argue over him giving her money.....I swear, this is our BIGGEST problem!!! Anyway, I finally THOUGHT I'd worked it all out, and had taken the "high road" with the issue, because we DO have enough money to help her out sometimes, and she IS his "little girl" and I know he feels guilty......THEN, I find out that he set her up with a "Savings Account", to help her buy a new house. (this information comes from her....and ended with a "don't tell Dad I told you") So.....somehow, my husband is hiding money from me. In a way, I almost don't blame him, because he knows what a sore-spot this is for me. BUT, on the other hand....I AM SO HURT....and I feel like they've got this little secret and I'm not in on it. I KNOW that when he took her credit card away, he probably started this other account, and hid it from me, because he knew it was a sore spot. I have actually ASKED him....more than once..."Honey, did you set-up another account somewhere for your kids?" And the answer is always a quick "No, of course not."
I have everything I want and need. I have a good relationship with my step-kids. I KNOW that my step-daughter will take whatever she can get, because that's the way she is and that's the way her MOTHER is. (one reason he divorced her) So, I really don't BLAME her.....I blame my husband.
I think he needs to know that I KNOW this info. BUT, he's really going to be on the defensive, because it IS our touchy issue in the marriage. I'm POed and have been nasty to him since I found out this info....and probably will continue to be until I tell him what I know. I just don't know HOW to broach the subject. How do I bring it up? DO I bring it up? HELP!!!! THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH, IN ADVANCE!!!!!

Is there any possible way you can just let this go. You've really got to detach and move past this. It is not up to you how your husband spends his money. I know, I know, half of it is yours, but if he's not impeding your lifestyle in anyway, let it go. Your marriage is more important than this. I would understand a little more if it was taking money out of your mouths but you said it's not.

I would not even bring it up with him other than to let him know you know, pat his head and tell him, she's your daughter sweetie, if this is what you want to do, I support you. I love you, you're wonderful. The End.

Of course your husband should set better boundaries and not keep supporting his daughter but it's obvious to me that he's going to keep doing it forever so please don't make this your hill to die on. Let it go.

Stephanie, I really, really, really NEEDED to hear that!!! I'm SO GRATEFUL for your post!!! You are right. I knew that, but I just needed to vent and get it out and feel yucky and jealous and hateful for a while. I'm going to work on letting it go, and "pat his head" and tell him it's OK....because I do realize that I'm only hurting myself with these feelings. You are an ANGEL!!!
THANK YOU!!!
texasstep

Well I'm glad I could help texasstep. I am also a step mom (again) so I completely understand. Believe me. More than I want to! ha

I was a step mom prior to my divorce as well and these issues are a huge reason why we divorced.

One thing I've realized is that these fathers often times act out of guilt and we just have to let them do what they're going to do anyway. The more you practice letting it go, the better you're going to get at it.

The Serenity Prayer or thoughts along those lines helps

I completely agree with Stephanie. I think step daughters in many ways become the unintentional "point of contention" in marriages. We feel threatened because our husbands have "another woman" to whom they are equally devoted. That's hard for anyone to take...however, you say you are otherwise happy and that your husband provides for you very well. I think that is WONDERFUL and definitely what you should focus on. It is hard to do...the same old feelings tend to want to rise to the surface over and over again...but you can train yourself to handle it differently. Good luck!!

Thanks Shadra,
I've already felt a lot better, just knowing that I've got a place (here) to vent. I know it's all up to me, HOW I decide to react to these things.
Getting feed-back from people who've been though it, like you and Stephanie....that really HELPS!!!

(((((texasstep))))

You'll survive. I know you will

This does not end ...I have the same situation with my SD. She's 40. I am told to change myself because Dad and SD have no problem with the situation ....very frustrating and very difficult each time she does her art of manipulation. My children have been taught to be self sufficient, so watching makes it even more difficult. Wish I could take a magic pill as I pat my husband on the back and say 'it's okay' ...although it is your marriage if you resist ..it just makes Dad defend the SD more as he guilt parents. In the long run is the SD the winner? ...very sad isn't it.

I am nearly in tears reading the frustration in these posts. I am in a similar situation and can't stand another minute of the double standard I am living! I have four children, my husband has two - one 14 and the other grown (21). His ex-wife married a millionaire and gives the boys everything they want and then some. Meanwhile, as a carpenter and a teacher, my husband and I are not in the position to do the same. With my four, we are doing a wonderful job of teaching them financial boundaries, the difference between want and need, and financial independence. All of my children have jobs - including my 12-year-old who has a paper route and has since he was 10! They buy their own clothes if they are over what we can spend. Meanwhile, his sons have everything Abercrombie has ever produced! I realize that we cannot control what she spends, but the boys are not content to be treated that way only by her. They want more, more, more. We put the 21-year-old through welding school ourselves - no help from her - while he lived with us, as well. Now, he "rents" my ex-husband's house; however, he "forgets" to pay rent. He has a new truck that cost $40,000. When my husband reminds him rent is due, he says maybe next week - his bills are just too much and rent isn't in his "budget." He got laid off in the economic downturn. Now we are paying him to work for my husband! He is lazy, disrespectful, and doesn't have a good work ethic. When I suggested taking the rent out of his check, my husband balked. He doesn't want to make him short on other bills. Right now, we can't afford braces for my two youngest. We don't even have a garage. But we are making a house payment so this boy can live in a four bedroom home with double car garage, central air, etc. We don't even have central air; we cannot afford it! I suggested selling the house. My husband went crazy. He said his first wife left him homeless and he wants to keep the house and rent it out. I said I don't mind keeping in and renting it for real money to a real renter, but he doesn't have it in him to kick the kid out. I argue that we aren't teaching him life lessons; nobody lives rent free! He agrees, but still, won't do anything about it. I am growing increasingly resentful and angry. I don't know what to do. I love him so much. We have no other arguments except about the differences in how we treat our children, and the way we support these kids financially. I don't believe you are supporting him if you are merely enabling him to be a lifelong mooch. But my husband makes excuses and refuses to act. I am truly worried about the long term effects of this on our relationship

I am so sorry you are experiencing such frustration. It sounds like this has very little to do with money and everything to do with you feeling like your husband's main priority. You would think that once his child is a "grown up" that you would be able to spend extra money traveling together or doing things to foster your own relationship, so I can completely understand why you are frustrated and feeling so out of control.

Your husband needs to understand that he doesn't "owe" his daughter...if he's still trying to make things better or doing it out of a sense of guilt, he's not helping. In fact, he may be undermining his ability to have an adult relationship with his kids.

On the other hand, if you are not feeling any ill effects other than this lack of control over, please be patient. Talk to your husband and tell him you know about the account. Be honest with him about how much it hurts you that it was done secretly but tell him you understand. Help him understand that your feelings are valid and real, but that you are trying to work through them...and ask him to slowly start weaning his kids off his support.

Hang in there...and take care of yourself!