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Joined: Dec 2008
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Originally Posted By: Anet
I was knocked down and choked by my husband. We are in the middle of a divorce but we have been dating. He completely flipped out after visiting his son and their family. He was complaining about his son's wife when he started on me. I have bruises all over my arms, on the back of my leg and on my hip. I did not go to the police because I think he would kill me. It would ruin his career, high security field. Everyone thinks I should go to the police, even my 17 year old daughter. I am currently unemployed, broke and struggling to survive on unemployment. He just bought a new jag, lives beach front and wears a rolex.....we are broke. My daughter is not his, he raised her for 13 years and dumped us both with no looking back...I was so shocked by him putting his hands on me in such a way. I sat in his bathroom with my feet against the vanity while he tried to kick the door in. He suceeded tearing the door up but he didn't get in. My back has been killing me all week....stunned!!!!!
How long is too long to go to the police? I have pictures, but the bruises are still there and very dark from 12-28....? Any advice?


Like I posted above...let the divorce go through, and stay away.You can do better.And there are plenty of men out there that know how to treat a woman.

There is no reason at all,for anyone to hurt you,or anyon else.I am glad you are divorcing.But,stop the dating.Don;y allow yourself to fall into the trap again.Once an abuser,always an abuser!!And you should tell the police,immediately!Never wait!

Last edited by MrsKassie; 01/02/09 07:41 PM.
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Once the abuse starts, it is very very very hard for it to stops, escpecially if your abuser (male or female) realizes you are going to let it happen by not fighting back and not leaving or leaving and continuing to come back. Since you are not married, it would be wise for you RIGHT NOW before it is too late to seek a lawyer or legal and get legal custody of your son. He could very well come to the door right now and demand to see his child then take off with him. He has a right to his son right now until you do something legally. It sounds that you are in a safe place now which is great. If you need help finding resources ask here or email me privately and I can help as best I can. That goes for anyone reading this right now that may need help!

Last edited by Jeanette - Editor; 01/06/09 01:58 PM.

Jeanette Stingley - Women's Lit
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One of the common misconceptions that victims of domestic violence have is that they have to "power" to change their abuser. The belief becomes so common because they are being told by their abuser that this is happening to them because of something they did/or didn't do. So they then believe it is within them to also stop the abuse from happening. That if they just did this...or if they just .....or if they could just show them how much they love them they will stop getting hurt! This keeps women going back time and time again, thinking I can improve..I can meet your standard...Sadly, abusers only find new things to blame the victim for and beat them because of it. Reality is... YOU CANNOT CHANGE ANYONE!!! No matter what you do, how much you love, no matter what YOU give up an abuser will be an abuser!! You do NOT cause the abuse to happen NOR do you have the ability to stop it. You just have to get away!! Abusers will use whatever heart string they can find to pull to get you back in their grips and under their control. So using your child is NOT above him. He knows your soft spots.If visitation is to be arranged, be sure it is supervised visitation, for your safety and the safety of your child. Congradulations to you for going to the police!! Keep records! You will need them, dates times of contact, everything.I am very happy your family is helping you, but please also get assistance from police to file restraining order the local DV shelter can help you too.

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Welcome to the forums Cheryl! Good to have you here! Thanks for jumping in and offering advice.


Jeanette Stingley - Women's Lit
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Cat -so sorry to hear of your trouble. There is help out there -and the first step is to get out, which you did. Get a lawyer, which you did. Also, the money issue, you didn't say whether you owned your house etc? In Canada - even if you leave the marital residence, you can go back, change the locks and then he will have to find another place to live? Not sure where you live,but there are emergency funds available to you also, call a local woman's shelter - they have staff that can help you in this situation.

ANY type of abuse is abuse. Keep your son away from it. Keep yourself away from it. From experience i can tell you that they don't change. They use the kids as a stepping stone to get back into your life, and then abuse you again. Then you are made to feel as if it's your fault. He has issues that he has to deal with, nothing to do with you. He needs counselling-ALOT of counselling and even then - there are ways to set up visitation where you don't have to see him, through an arbitrator in the legal system. Here in Canada if the parents can't agree - the court appoints a special lawyer for the child and all these issues are worked out. Again, not sure how it works there.

PLEASE, PLEASE do not go back. I did, once and that's all it took. Suffice it to say that i am in my fourties and have 2 plates in my mouth, most of my own teeth were knocked out and had to be replaced. So PLEASE, don't believe the stories. Trust your instincts (something i wish i had done) - but he wanted to see the kids and i really didn't think he'd do anything in front of them, i was wrong. MANY years of counselling has taught me that NONE of it was my fault. He went to counselling (1 month) -and he has had 3 other relationships after me - 2 ended with an assault and the 3rd he is presently in but is showing signs of abuse (after 2 years).

There is help out there - and we are here for you too. Take care of you and your son, and let him be a man and take care of himself!


Sharon Unsworth, Pro-Choice Editor
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Hi Cat, Your story is scary and very similiar to mine. We also have the same name :) and Happy Birthday although I am sure it wasn't very happy. I'm so very sorry for you and for Parker. I too have also have wondered in the past 5 years how to "get through to him". I have never succeeded. You say you wonder if your man may be bipolar. Mine has been diagnosed Bipolar, but after speaking to many Bipolar people on another forum, I have learned that not many of them physically abuse their loved ones. They may throw things, smash things, yell, even hurt themselves etc. but usually do not abuse others or family. So we can both rule that out. They tell me that while BP may contribute to his rage, it does not neccessarily contribute towards the violence - they are usually 2 separate issues. He has been in therapy. He has been to rehab, AA, you name it. He has been on medication, but didn't like the side effects and stopped taking it without my knowledge. We've tried everything. The physical abuse would ebb and flow, but never stop. I am telling you this so you will stop thinking that it might get better. It doesn't. I also have a son, 9 years old. So far he has not ever been involved, my BF is very careful to keep him out of it, but I know my son has ears and he can hear it. He calls it "his yelling and craziness". Do you want that to be Parker? My boyfriend had a rage meltdown episode out on Dec. 28th. I had him arrested as well. He's still in jail on Domestic Battery charges. He attacked me after I woke up to use the bathroom at 5am on Dec. 28th. He said I was talking on the phone to my "new boyfriend". It didn't seem to matter to him that this clearly wasn't true. He beat me stupid. Just like your man punched you in the nose during a normal conversation, out of the blue. I understand that you still love him. I still love mine and miss him every day. BUT I have had 30 days to see this clearly while he sits in jail. And I realize that I don't want to expose my son to this anymore. My son told me the other day that he was happier because there was "so much less tension in the house now". Stay away from this crazy man, and if you can't bring yourself to do it for you because of your love for him and the belief that he can change and you can fix this (which you can't), then stay away from him for your son. Even if he never hits Parker, your son will witness you being abused. He will grow up screwed up and even become an abuser himself. If you want to teach your son it's ok to hit women, then by all means stay with him. Child learn by watching. Cat, I hope you make the right decision. Time away from him will hopefully help you as much as it has me to see that we can't just think of ourselves. We both have a son and that is supposed to be our Number One priority in life. If you saw a neighbor's wife being beaten and saw their child watching it happen, you would be horrified. Don't be blind. That could be the future for you and Parker if you stay with this man. Please get help, talk with your state's victim's advocate, join forums online that deal with Domestic Abuse and empower yourself for Parker's sake. I wish you all the strength and courage you will need. Blessings and hugs to you.

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I would f*n kill him... I'd say "yea, you're right, I did deserve that punch, I did...now why don't you just go to sleep?"

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Originally Posted By: ShadowCat

I understand that you still love him. I still love mine and miss him every day. BUT I have had 30 days to see this clearly while he sits in jail. And I realize that I don't want to expose my son to this anymore. My son told me the other day that he was happier because there was "so much less tension in the house now".


This often happens. Mine spent 15 days in jail. It was a very enlightening time for me. I realized I didn't need him there yelling at me and treating the kids like they didn't exist. I didn't need him to watch the kids, I had a way to get them to day care. i didn't need hiim there eating all the food and leaving nothing for the kids. I didn't need him at all. He was a lump on a log who sucked the life out of me.

If anyone has any question that Bi Polar may have something to do with the violence at home, you can always talk to a doctor about this. Ask his doctor/psychologist about this since the doc/psych should know your husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend enough to help you make this conclusion.


Jeanette Stingley - Women's Lit
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