BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence I had him arrested...

My birthday was December 29th. My fiance and I left our son (premie by 6 weeks, will be "full term" tomorrow) with my parents so we could have an us day. We went to Target to get Guitar Hero (every adult has to have some toys!), a wireless router, and diapers. Well, Brandon decided out of the blue that Guitar Hero was a waste of money and he was taking it back. I told him NO that I wanted it and we planned on getting it for some time. Well, the whole ride home he was steaming in his head, saying how we don't save enough and I don't know what else, but when I put my two cents in that he was blowing things out of proportion and we have made things work this far, and we'll continue to make it work. He told me to quit mocking him and being smart that I didn't know what I was talking about and I was nothing more than a dumb housewife. I giggled because he was being rediculous and I told him that, and he punched me in the nose. I thought he broke it. I had no clue what hit me, but demanded he let me out of the car. I called my mother to come get me, and even though he begged and pleaded for me to stay so "WE" could work things out, I still left for my parents house. I called him later and told him I wasn't coming home until he got help.

He called the next day and asked if he could come see Parker (our son) and I told him yes, I wouldn't keep him from his son. I told him I didn't want to talk because I sounded like a broken record and I was done repeating myself. I gave him my terms but he kept pushing and pushing. Finally he demanded I be home when he came home from work. I said not until you get help! He informed me I would be home one way or another, even if he had to come take me home by force. (and that's me saying it in a nice way) I told him I don't think so, and if he tries it, he'll be wishing he hadn't (my older brother is a military officer and was in town for the holidays) because I had a family that would keep him from doing that. Anyways, once again I was "being smart" and "mocking him" and he blindsided me in my head, while I was holding my son. I told him he left me with no choice and I called the cops infront of him. It took both of my parents to get him out of the house and into his car, he even challenged my mother on the back steps by stomping up the steps at her! They picked him up about a 1/4 mile from the house and he sat in the county jail for the evening (like 8 hours) and someone bailed him out. It wasn't his parents because I talked to them.

We've had verbal arguements and some physical scuffles (he did almost break my finger once when I hit him back and shoved him into the wall) but he's never just out of no where hit me! I don't know who he is when he's like that, he's like a different person. I've told him I don't know who he is when he's like that and it really is almost a flip of a switch. I'm convinced he's BiPolar and going to request to the DA that there's a psychological evaluation done. But I don't know what to do. I'm still on leave from work with our son, he has our car... well, his car. I don't have a car to go back to work right now and he's the bread winner. I don't even have access to the money! I'm incredibly worried about his mental state now that he's been arrested AGAIN in connection with the original incident (state law in wisconsin if anything about an incident is on record. There is a charge and arrest for each incident). He's his own worse enemy and refuses to talk with his parents. We are still under the 72 hour no contact rule, but it is so incredibly hard to not call him and I know it's killing him to not be with Parker. I just don't know what to do right now, but I cannot allow this to continue, especially now that Parker is here.

I guess I'm just looking for advice and encouragement. I know I did the right thing by leaving, but still question if I could have gotten through to him if I had stayed. I'm not going to "just take it" like he's told me to. I'm stronger than that! I'm not afraid to stand up for myself, I am afraid for my son's safety now.

Wow Cat. I am sorry that has happened to you. You need to stick to your guns and keep him away from you and your son. I know it is hard to do but if you are truly in fear for your son's safety as well as yours, then you need to stay away from him. If it is killing him to see his son like you say it is, then he should use that to seek some kind of help.

If it was me, I would do anything and everything in my power to get help and get my family back together.

You did the right thing by leaving, but the fact that you stated "but still question if I could have gotten through to him if I had stayed." worries me. I am sure I do not speak only for myself when I say that is a scary thing to hear. Trust me, you could not have gotten through to him. That is for a professional, not you. Do not worry about belongings, such as the car. Worry about yourself and your son. Do you want him to grow up thinking that is an acceptable way to treat a woman?

Make sure you and Parker have a strong support system, and always remember "taking it" is the wrong thing to do.

This is a new year Cat and I think Sarah is right here about your son.

"Do you want him to grow up thinking that is an acceptable way to treat a woman?

Right now you have an awesome support system with your family and the law has helped you also. There are many woman that don't have that or by the time they do, sometimes it's too late.

I think as women and care givers we somehow think that we can fix the people we care about and I'd do some research about bi-polar, narcissism and co-dependency on the web, learn what you're dealing with and what you can do for you and your son.

Also ask your local authorities for programs that may be available to you. Stay knowledgeable and reach out to get "your" control of "your" life and not the ex's control over you because of finances.....you are a mom and a woman WORTHY of love not abuse and Vance is right, if he does care about his son, he should do whatever it takes but don't be fooled by a short term "I'm trying" bi-polar is like that and it could hurt you in the long run.....nothing wrong with Long Term Consistency....keep the faith girl!

P.S. Happy Birthday!!

Dear Cat,

I am so sorry this had to happen to you over the holidays- not that there is ever a good time for it to happen.

But please, please do not think that your son is any safer with him than you are. If an abuser cannot take his rage out on the person he is the most angry at, he will take it out on those that person love -meaning your son.

This man obviously has some problems. I do not know if he has a drug/alcohol problem, if he suffers from Depression or Schizophrenia, or what exactly it is. But this is NOT a safe person for you.

Yes, your life is going to be difficult right now without a car and immediate access to money - but you will be alive and not broken and bleeding. You can always accumulate money thast is lost. You cannot regain a life if one day he hits you in the head hard enough to kill you!

You obviously have family that is willing to help you - lean on them for a while until you get your bearings. Go ahead and apply for welfare services, medicare, food stamps, and WICA. That is what thess services are for - for people who are truly down on their luck, through no fault on their own. This can give you the chance to go back to school, get a better job, etc. Yes, there are many people that take advantage if these services, but you genuinely could use them.

Also, file for divorce. Then your husbands wages can be garnished for child support for your child.

I know I am sounding very harsh towards him, but yoiu have an infant to think about. Your two lives must be put first.

Start this new year with a new life.

Cat, your fiance is clearly a classic abuser. At this point it doesn't matter why or what the cause is, but only that he is an abuser.

He has already used your son to manipulate you into meeting with him, as he knows your son is your vulnerability. If he will use his own son as a pawn to get to you, he will do anything. This was not an action of love, but of control over both of you.

Don't waste one second of your time worrying about whether he is missing Parker. This is just what he wants you to do. Again, he knows where you are vulnerable. He will only continue to play the game as long as you are a willing participant.

The only people you need to have concern over is yours and little Parker's safety. Do you have a relative you can stay with for a little while? You need to be in a safe place, even if it's in a women's shelter. Michelle was right about the social support system - it is in place to take care of people in your exact situation. Don't hesitate to make the appropriate calls.

You have done the right thing by kicking this guy to the curb, and allowing the police to do their job. Don't think that your love or support can change this man - they can't. He is not mentally healthy, and only he can make the choice to get the help that he needs. Parker doesn't need him as a role model, and you don't need him as a husband. You are fortunate that you didn't marry this guy, and are able to break free with no legal ties. Take care of you and your son - at this point, the father has no legal or ethical rights to have contact with you or his son, for a very good reason. He is not a protector, he is a threat.

Our hats are off to you here at BellaOnline! You are a courageous woman, and deserve to be with a loving and supportive man!

Best of luck,
Shay

Good for you!

No man should ever hit a woman in any way...and vice versa.You absolutely did the right thing.So,don't harp over it.

I wish you the best.Call an attorney,and divorce him and set up a very strict visitation policy with him for your son.You shouldn't have to deal with this anymore.

I was knocked down and choked by my husband. We are in the middle of a divorce but we have been dating. He completely flipped out after visiting his son and their family. He was complaining about his son's wife when he started on me. I have bruises all over my arms, on the back of my leg and on my hip. I did not go to the police because I think he would kill me. It would ruin his career, high security field. Everyone thinks I should go to the police, even my 17 year old daughter. I am currently unemployed, broke and struggling to survive on unemployment. He just bought a new jag, lives beach front and wears a rolex.....we are broke. My daughter is not his, he raised her for 13 years and dumped us both with no looking back...I was so shocked by him putting his hands on me in such a way. I sat in his bathroom with my feet against the vanity while he tried to kick the door in. He suceeded tearing the door up but he didn't get in. My back has been killing me all week....stunned!!!!!
How long is too long to go to the police? I have pictures, but the bruises are still there and very dark from 12-28....? Any advice?

Go now.

If you are worried about going directly to the police, go to an Emergency room to have your injuries checked out. They will then help you with going to the police.

It is NEVER too late to get help for yourself.

Welfare, food stamps, and Madicare have all gotten such a bad rap over the years because of people who abuse them - but they are set in place for people like YOU that genuinely need help getting on your feet.

There are also women and children's shelters in almost every city. My husband and I just got through donating several boxes of women's clothes that no longer fit me, and children's clothes that my kids have outgrown to one such shelter. They are prepared for women having to sneak out in the middle of the night with nothing more than the clothes on their back.

It is a scary place to be in. Sometimes it is scarier to step into the unknown, so you try to tell yourslef "well, it really wasn't that bad" - but it WAS that bad, and it will only get worse.

You deserve better than to have someone use you for a punching bag when he is frustrated about someone else.

Please get help immediately, I mean as soon as you get through reading this, turn off the computer, walk out the door, and go to the ER or to the police.

God be with you.