BellaOnline Forums Family Moms Need support - I hate being a mom

Most of the time, my daughter is an easy and understanding baby. But still, at times, I just can't control myself when she asked again and again some "unreasonble" requests. For example, she needs me to sleep beside her till she goes to sleep. I can't do that, because doing that means my only free time after she goes to sleep is gone. I am training her to sleep by herself, of course after hugs and kisses. But every night she keeps saying the same thing, sleep here, sleep here. I know for those of you who have strong mother instinct or who do not have children think I am a bad mother. It is a small request, yea sure it is cute at first, and I can do it once, twice. But I can't do it every day. But one thing about kids, even for those easy, good kids, there is no such thing of flexibility. You do something they like once, they will ask again, again and again. For example sometimes I wanted to bring her in my bed so we snuggle together. But I know once I do it, every night she will request to sleep with me.. It is hard. Because that is not how I want to be a mom. Being a mom, I have to do more yieling, screaming, disciplining, feeling guilty and all.

I am not a perfect mom, but I am a ok-good mom (working on the yieling part). I did my best. I am telling myself not to feel guilty..

You know, I was thinking -

It comes down to love. I keep seeing the word "guilt" but isn't it more in effect, love? Not to sound corny or anything, but when one person puts aside their needs for another to me that amounts to love or a form of it anyway.

Having children isn't a fairy tale. So many things out there present the positive side of it, I think, in order to push whatever they're selling, be it an opinion, a book, product, etc.

I think people do "it" again, after they haven't felt fulfilled the first time around, because they feel they can either do it better or that a reality be it from a spouse, friends or family presents a different reality than what they've already experienced. There are great moments, but like anything, they don't last forever.

You really need to see or be in a position to feel the long run, to appreciate having children. There are just as many ups and downs and more so because you will be thinking in terms of both yourself and someone dependant on you. If you have other plans or an independance - like a need to fly or plans you have yet to see manifest, that gets in the way.

As most posters here have said, though, guilt...that translates to puting your needs aside for something you feel may be greater.

_____________________

Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor

I relate 100% to what you say. Kids just can't understand the meaning of "wait a minute" or "only once". I hate having to set limits all the time. Thank God my son learned to fall asleep by himself from the very beginning!! He is easy-going and smart and funny but he just drains my energy sometimes.

Guilt and love should not have anything to do with one another. If love is what brings people to do again something they didn't want in the first place, something they don't even enjoy, I guess I don't want to have that much love in me :-)

Society has placed a set of expectations upon families that are twisted beyond recognition. First of all; No matter how many children that we have we still have our own lives. Giving every ounce of ourselves to someone else can only bring us unhappiness. Look at the animals. When the kids are raised- its over. Everyone goes on with their lives and builds new situations. In this culture we seem to be enslaved to the fact that we have to keep our kids safe, comforted, lacking for nothing until we or they are dead. Who writes this stuff ?????? I love my kids but they have their lives and Mom and I have ours. Its done !! Finally my other half has done something that she has always wanted to do and that was to finish her education. She has just received her PHD in parapsychology. Do you think that she would have ever come close to that if our kids were always around, patching their boo-boos, babysitting, and doing the very things that we had to do for them when they were young? If we did our job, which we did, then it is now their turn to do theirs. Even when our kids were young Mom and I still had our hobbies and set aside time for our own interests and that we did for for our own mental well being. To truly love ourselves and our family is to let them go when the job is done. That does not mean that we do not love them, it simply means that there is value and a whole other world within that needs to be lived.

I have to agree 100%. I do believe children are a precious gift, however it is a parents job to ensure those children grow up with the life skills needed to lead their own lives, not to be your childs friend. Too many children have their every whim pandered to by parents who feel not to do so would be bad parenting. I have seen first hand these parents stressed emotionally and financially. The child did not benefit either. It is important that children know there are consequences to their actions, that they learn coping skills for lifes disappointments and that they are capable of handling it. I was often critzed by others as being too "hard" or "selfish" because I had boundaries and took time for myself. But all my kids are grown adults leading their own lives. We love each other and are there for each other but not necessarily on a daily basis. I feel no saddness if the kids dont call for months, that means their lives are full as is mine. It is a joy to see them grow and explore life.

Most children today don't understand wait a moment or only once. Why should they? It is not what they have learned. The sleeping issue is quite common. Why? It is easier to give in then to discipline.

Sundancer
www.mikessportingoods.ecrater.com

I don't know what you means when you say "most children today". NO CHILD today or in the past is born understanding those two concepts. 2 or 3 years-old kids (like JennyT's or mine) do not necessarily know the concepts yet, no matter how much discipline. It is just maturity-wise and evolution-wise not possible.

The parents have to teach them. I do it because the consequences of not doing that part of the job are even worse in the long run, but it doesn't mean I like the job. The good thing about being child-free at heart but with a child, it is that I don't feel guilty when my child tries to get away with things and I say no. "It doesn't break my heart" (as I hear other mothers say) when he cries for some silly reason. My son has learned to sleep alone from day one almost. He is not allowed to play with some big toys in the living room , takes his shoes off when we gets home and he knows he has to wash his hands. There is a lot of order in his life (and hugs too). But he will still try things and test his limits and it is just a very annoying job I never wanted.

I am not a Mom so I probably should not even be on this site but I do have to say that at times, even though I was a fairly good dad I sometimes hated being one. I believe that it is normal to realize that being a parent is not easy and that children can be obnoxious unless they are taught to do what is expected of them just like we had to learn. Don't get me wrong here because I love my kids but I have always found it interesting in this culture how we view little babies. It seems like we coo and caw, make faces to, adore, and at times let a croud gather around the child in such admiration. Please tell me at what age do we go from adorable to ignorable. We love to dote over these little ones but what about us? Are we as older people not worth the time? Bear with me here please. I am not crying in my beer because I am getting older, I am just observing a trend. Mom and I knew that at times we lived vicariously through the admiration given our kids as many do today. Somehow it made us feel better but what does it speak of a culture that adores youth and pushes aside the aged. We were all babies once. What I do not understand is why can't all ages be respected and revered. Kids need extra attention and love at times to learn what they need, I understand that. I have, however, every sympathy for parents as they face a very unknown future so I believe that it is time to honor all ages, one is not better than the other, and no more deserving than the other.

I did not mean to offend you. My statement was too broad.
It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job with your son. You set boundaries and limits. You are teachng him with love and hugs.
Sundancer
www.mikessportingoods.ecrater.com